A/n Oh boy, sorry for the long delay. This particular chapter was the hard one, the chapter with all the explanations. Be warned of lengthy and sappy dialogue. Oh yeah, and I've once again changed the chapter titles. Now they are the solfege names of the notes in a scale with the technical names. As there are 8 notes in a scale, there will also be 8 chapters in this story…or at least that's what I'm planning anyway…
Oh yeah, I'm glad to see those fellow Gravitation fans! Yuki! * swoon* If you haven't seen/read Gravitation, please skip this paragraph and continue onto the chapter. I don't think I'm ever going to put more Gravi songs though, well mostly because I don't think there'll be more songfics, but also because I don't think many of the songs fit my AU Van's style. I love the Gravi OST dearly, but frankly some of the songs are a little too poppy for Van. 'Glaring Dream' however was one of the many exceptions. The song is so passionate. I didn't even know that it was the same singer as all of Bad Luck's other songs because his emotion was so different. ^_^ I really love Glaring Dream…
//Insert standard disclaimer statement here\\
Dilandau looked distinctly uncomfortable when he interrupted their embrace.
"Erm…" he stuttered. "Uh…sorry to disturb you but…"
Van shrugged and turned to face his friend, one arm slung around Hitomi's waist.
"You know it's okay. What's up?" he asked cheerfully.
Dilandau wrung his hands together and pulled out his lighter. He distractedly switched in on and off nervously. A spark caught on his jacket sleeve and lit up. Dilandau was in such a state of nervousness that he didn't notice and continued to play with the lighter.
"Aw hell, Dilandau." Van grabbed his arm and briskly beat the fire out, he had had experience with this before. "What the hell's the matter with you? What's wrong?"
Dilandau shook some ashes off, clearing thinking about how to respond. "Well…" he began, but something them cut him off. He gave up and pointed with his finger to the entrance. They turned.
Something pink haired, bright and flashy was walking determinedly toward them. Hitomi recognized her as the snob who sat behind her. She looked at Van in question and blinked, confused at Van's expression.
Van's arm around her waist had tightened. His body stiffened, eyes widened, hands shook uncontrollably. His breath came in hard gasps, tanned skin paled.
The bright and flashy thing stopped just short of Van, pointedly ignoring Hitomi and particularly the arm around her waist. She casually swayed ever so slightly nearer to Van until she was in a position suitable for peering shyly up into Van's eyes. Batting her eyes, the bright and flashy thing's face became even more tragically confused.
"Van?" she breathed in a fragile voice, looking up slightly to see his reaction. It was not the voice of a fan girl finally greeting her long time idol. The bright and flashy thing spoke somewhat hesitantly but with a timbre of childlike familiarity. She spoke as though she were greeting a long lost lover, and perhaps she was.
Hitomi tried to keep her mouth from hanging open and turned to said long lost lover in question.
Van set his jaw into a firm, grim line. He glanced coldly down at her, arm tightening even more about Hitomi's waist. Only a chilly glare responded to the bright and flashy thing.
Dilandau cleared his throat in lieu of the silence. "Merle came in asking for you," he said, as if attempting to explain the bright and flashy thing's existence.
Merle? Hitomi bit her lip, not sure how to react. So the bright and flashy thing was Van's ex-girlfriend? What the hell was she doing here?
"Van," Merle whispered again. "Van, why won't you say anything?"
Hitomi could feel a wave of disgust roll over. It seemed that the girl was attempting to reenact a clichéd cinematic romance scene. It was sickening to watch Merle's lip quiver and whimper in tragedy. Hitomi found it hard to determine why Van had ever dated a girl such as she.
Van, apparently, was disgusted by this performance as well. His glare turned into an expression of exasperation.
"What do you want me to say?" he snapped, lyrical voice now low and threatening. "You want me to tell you how much I didn't miss you? How I became an emotionless shell because of you? Huh?"
Merle's shocked face quivered. She as though her heart were made of glass and Van had shattered it.
Van didn't appear to be fooled. "The question is, what do you want to say, Merle? Just say it now and we'll both go our separate ways."
Merle molded herself into a tragic portrait of a broken girl at Van's words. This picture was ruined when Merle looked sideways at Hitomi with a venomous, narrowed pair of purple lined eyes, the simple action glinting the surface of her true nature. Or so it seemed to Hitomi at least.
"Who is she?" Merle whispered.
"What's it to you?" Van growled. "If you must know, Hitomi is—"
"Why don't you and Merle talk in a corner or something," Dilandau cut in. "In that corner maybe?" He pointed in the direction of a corner that was vacant yet noticeable enough to the various SNL staff and actors so as to dissuade Merle from getting any shady ideas. Dilandau briskly unattached Van's arm from Hitomi's waist and then briskly hurried Van and Merle over to the corner. As they were being hurried, Van was in the process of opening his mouth to protest his friend's rather oppressive behavior; Merle on the other hand had a look of elevated disgust at being hurried by a non-famous musician. If Hitomi hadn't still retained her wave of disgust, she would have been amused at Dilandau's brisk antics.
Hitomi glared at Dilandau when he returned from his hurrying.
"Why did you stop Van from telling her who I am?" she asked.
Dilandau's usual eccentricity and former briskness had melted away. He now looked anxious and nervous in a way that didn't suit him at all. He ran a hand through his hair, murmuring along the lines of "oh shit" before he answered Hitomi.
"Think about it, 'tomi," he replied. "What would happen if you and Van leaked out onto the press? What would happen if it leaked through Merle, Van's ex?"
"Oh." Hitomi grimaced, ashamed that she had forgotten such a possibility.
Dilandau nodded knowingly and gravely. "Besides, Merle isn't the type to cross when she's determined to have something. It won't help the situation if we tell her that she has a romantic rival. And I don't think Van's arm around you did any good at all."
Hitomi glanced over to the corner. "So are you saying that Merle's here to get Van back?"
"What else?"
Hitomi sighed and rubbed her eyes. She looked up again at Van and Merle. "What happened between them anyway?" she asked. "I don't think I understand…" She looked up expectantly at Dilandau.
Dilandau flinched at her look. "All right then," he said, relenting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Van crossed his arms and looked stoically down at Merle. His eyes turned dull, mouth set.
Merle let out a small breath agitatedly. She could barely believe it. Van was putting on his publicity front to her, the carefully developed, neutrally emotionless face. He only did this whenever there were unwanted fans around him.
"Don't look at me that way, Van," she pleaded with him. "I've come all this way just to talk to you, can't you at least look happy to see me?"
Van's eyes narrowed. He said nothing.
Merle's eyes widened. Tears threatened to leave her eyes. "I'm sorry for all the painful things I said to you, and I'm willing to forgive and forget all the things you said to me."
Perhaps her tragic demeanor had a small impression on him. In any case, Van dropped his neutral look and sighed. He ran a hand through his hair in thought, looking at a spot in the wall.
Merle pressed in. "Van I miss you. I couldn't help it. I just remembered all the good times that we had together and…" She lowered her eyes sadly. "I just…I realized that it's impossible for me to hate you. I can't hate you, no matter what you do! I lov--"
"Stop it."
Merle's head snapped up.
Van looked at her directly in the face. "It doesn't matter what you feel for me or what I feel for you." His gaze shifted to her eyes and held them. "Haven't you realized anything the past few months? We were never meant to be a couple. It's simply impossible."
"A couple? Van, we're soul mates, I just know it! No one could know another for so long without being destined to be together!" Merle argued.
"Now you're acting whimsically again." Van smiled faintly. "You've always been such a dreamer, haven't you? Ever since we were kids."
Merle smiled guiltily. She lifted a hand and slowly reached out toward him. "Yeah, those were the days, weren't they?"
"That's the past, however," Van cut in, stepping away from Merle's approaching hand. "Merle, if you here just to get back together, then please leave. I meant what I said, Merle. Give it up, I'm never coming back to you."
Merle gasped and started to shake. Tears really did start to flow down her cheeks.
"How can you say that?" she sobbed. "After all those years? After we shared a childhood together?" She tried to wipe away some tears. "Why?"
Van looked away and stared at a spot on the wall. "Because of whom you've become, Merle. I can't say I know you any more. You can't use our past against me anymore, Merle. Don't tell me about our childhood. That's the past. This is the present. I can barely recognize you as my best friend now. You're not the same Merle I used to love anymore."
"What are you talking about!" Merle yelled, voice becoming shrilly. "I'm still Merle! I haven't changed!"
The look Van gave her was almost pity. "You don't know how wrong you are."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I only knew Van and Merle in high school," Dilandau explained to Hitomi. "But they've known each other since they were in diapers. They started to develop feelings for each other around the time I came in and eventually they were a couple. Merle had always been devoted to Van. She even nicknamed him "Lord Van" when they were kids and continued to use it up through high school. I think this devotion that eventually skewed their relationship."
Dilandau looked at Hitomi to see how she was reacting thus far. Hitomi had glanced down, biting her lip.
"Merle was devoted to Van in such a way that it twisted her way of thinking," Dilandau continued. "By the time we had graduated from high school two years, Van had already begun recording music with a pretty well established record label and released a single. Merle was by his side all that time, always encouraging him, showing her support. It was at this point that a stone was thrown into their relationship.
"You see, of all the people in Van's life Merle should have known that Van never wanted to be a pop star. You already know this: Van only wants to share his music with people. For sure he wants to famous but only because famous musicians are remembered, just not as a pop star. But unfortunately it is the pop stars that acquire fame quickly. So Merle somehow got it into her head that Van wanted this kind of publicity. This thought embedded itself into her devotion for Van, and the devotion made her strive to push Van into becoming the very thing he avoided most: a pop star."
"So if it wasn't for Merle, then Van wouldn't have been a pop star?" Hitomi interrupted.
"Well, not exact—"
"So the reason Van is so miserable is because of her!" Hitomi said, voicing taking on a high pitched squeak.
"No. Van would have been advertised as a pop star anyway. If Merle hadn't been there, his record label would have filled her place. Now would you please listen?"
Hitomi shut her mouth, slightly in shock of Dilandau's seriousness.
"Right…" Dilandau scratched his head. "Where was I? Ah right, Merle wanted Van to be a pop star. Van resisted his transformation into a pop star, but he couldn't very well go against Merle could he?
"After a few months, when his first single became a hit, the press started to turn their attention to Van and his girlfriend. Van didn't quite know how to react, but Merle did. Remember, she thought that making Van out as a pop star was the right thing for Van. So in Merle's track of mind, she decided to she also had to change along with Van. More specifically, she decided that she had to stop being Merle the small town girl into Merle, the pop star's girlfriend."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"What are you talking about?" Merle demanded furiously. "Aren't I still the same little Merle? You're best friend in the whole world? The love of your heart?" She leaned forward. "Kitty?" she whispered.
This did bring a corner of Van's mouth up in a genuine half smile. Merle smiled triumphantly.
"See? Our childhood is still important! You would have smiled if you hadn't remembered Kitty."
Van's smile grew sad. Kitty was the nickname Van had given to Merle in retaliation for her calling him Lord Van. Those nicknames had come out of a bizarre series of events that Van really didn't want to think about ever again.
"Merle, I've already put our childhood behind us," he informed her. "I really wish you would too."
Merle looked up at him with wide, tear threatening eyes. "What… why are saying that?" Then she grew angry. "That's the same thing you said when we broke up! Van, don't say things like that! Forgetting our childhood would be like forgetting you!"
Van nodded stonily in confirmation. "That's what you're going to have to do then," he told her.
Merle's breath caught in her throat. Her chin began to tremble. She quickly rubbed a tear from her eye but she could stop the other tears.
"Why do you say things like that? How can you be so cold?" she said softly. If Hitomi had heard her tone of voice, even she could see that Merle's sadness was genuine. "Haven't I always done everything for you? When you became famous I changed my habits just so that I could keep up with you, so I wouldn't make you look bad in front of the press… Everything I ever changed about myself was for you… It's not hard to understand, so why did you push me away then?"
Shaking his head, Van averted his eyes from Merle's shining face.
"Merle, you're the one who didn't understand. You still don't," he told her, gruffly.
"What do you mean? How could I not understand you? I'm the one who knew you best, and I still do!"
"If you really knew me then you should have known that what I really needed was for you to stay yourself!" Van snapped, his voice rising to a frightening degree. "I've told you again and again. With all the pressure from the paparazzi and the fans, I needed someone by my side who could help me hide away from it, to stay with me."
"I always stayed with you!" Merle protested.
"You, on the other hand," Van continued. He narrowed his eyes at her. "You attracted the publicity to me. You deliberately publicized our lives, our private lives. When I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with the paparazzi, you'd go behind my back and invite some hotshot female reporter into our house. When I specifically requested for my music to be displayed in the rock section, you whispered to the distributors to place them in the Pop section."
Merle lowered her eyes from his and seemed to concentrate on his chin instead as her crimes were mentioned. She made no move to defend herself.
"I put up with it only because I loved you at the time and I actually still trusted you. I managed to ignore the physical changes you put yourself through. But I couldn't ignore the changes your personality underwent."
"Personality?" Merle said. "My personality?"
"Yes, Merle." Van looked her squarely in the eyes. "Like I've already said thousands and thousands of times, you are not the same Merle that I used to love."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hitomi glanced at the conversing couple in the corner when Dilandau paused in his explanation for breath. Merle seemed to be barely holding herself together with her tears and trembling. Van was speaking passionately, about what Hitomi couldn't hear, and had an agitated demeanor about his face. Poor Van. Merle must be giving him so much stress…
"Anyway," Dilandau said after clearing his throat. "Merle underwent some pretty drastic changes. Believe it or not, Merle used to be a very sweet girl. The Merle that Van used to date was tomboyish, energetic, and didn't care what anyone thought of her. But after Van became famous, this Merle disappeared. Merle began to wear makeup, something the old Merle used to scoff at. She began to actually care about her clothes, what people said about her… It seemed to Merle that someone who was dating one of the most popular and talented celebrities had to be just popular and talented as well. This was the drive of Merle's changes. She felt that she had to be on par with Van so that his image would be better."
"She actually thought that Van wanted that?" Hitomi said in disbelief. "Even I know better, and I've only known Van for a few weeks! And Merle's known him all his life! Dilandau, this doesn't make any sense. How could Van's childhood friend think such a thing…"
"It makes sense when fame's involved with the picture," Dilandau answered. "I think that Merle eventually grew to enjoy the fame that came along with being Van's girlfriend and she wanted more. So then she had a double motive: increase Van's publicity as a pop star so that he'll be bigger and she'll become famous too as well."
"And being a pop star is the last thing Van would ever want," Hitomi stated sadly. "Poor Van. He must have been so confused."
"Merle certainly got what she wanted too," said Dilandau. "She's in magazines everywhere these days. It's quite disturbing for me since I've went to school with her."
Hitomi sighed in disgust. "This makes her seem even more stuck up than I thought she was."
Dilandau nodded. "In the end, it was Merle's own self intentions that took over. A year after graduation, Merle had pretty much succeeded in establishing a name for herself. It didn't change the fact that her own personal fame spawned from her relationship with Van. By this time, Merle was beyond recognizing Van's personal ambitions for his career. Everything she did to increase his publicity was unconsciously geared toward enhancing her own image.
"Only me and the guys in the band recognized this from the beginning. At first, Van refused to believe that Merle could change so much. You can't really blame him. She was his oldest friend after all. They were supposed to know each other better than anyone else did. When Van finally realized that they had both changed into total strangers, he snapped. He had a long talk with Merle, which didn't really accomplish anything.
"It's like this. The most twisted thing about their relationship is that even though she still craved the spotlight, Merle really thought she was doing everything for Van. Deep down, she truly believed that all the publicity was what Van wanted. She thought this because it was what she wanted, and anything she wanted, Van probably wanted too to her mind."
"And then they broke up, right?" Hitomi asked quietly.
Dilandau nodded grimly. "Van finally broke up with her a few months ago. He was the one who left by the way. He stayed at my place during the time after that. The poor guy slipped into a twisted depression. Merle's changes had really hit him hard. Van could barely speak without remembering all the past memories he and Merle had shared. I even saw him cry for the first time. We tried to keep him away from the public but it was too late. Merle's work had lasting effects. Instead of putting a lid on the publicity, Van became more popular than ever. It all Van and us could do to keep from committing murder. But somehow, Van pulled out of it and began to compose music again. I think it really soothed him. Gradually, he became his old more cheerful self again.
"We decided to bring Van back to our home town, Fanelia, to take a break from the press. This didn't work very well as you probably well know. The fans followed us here and stalked him everywhere he went."
Dilandau then grinned and punched Hitomi in the shoulder. He flinched when Hitomi punched him back. "You know what happened afterward, right 'tomi?" he said, winking. "He met you and began a whole new life. I really think he's doing better now that he's with you. Van's so much happier. He's been friendlier to the press, for one."
Hitomi smiled ruefully. "Thanks for the compliment," she said.
"I mean it," Dilandau insisted. "You're everything that Merle wasn't, everything that Van wanted in a girlfriend."
"Yeah, I guess," Hitomi said, slightly blushing.
Both looked over at the Merle and Van. Now Van seemed to be raising his voice and Merle's had gone shrilly.
"How will Van take it now that Merle's back?" Hitomi wondered nervously.
"We can only hope for the best," said Dilandau.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I'm hurt, Van," Merle said, tears once again becoming a never ending flow. "I really am. I've been hurt for a long time and you're words only make my wounds deeper."
"Don't give me that crap," Van snapped. He crossed his arms and glared. Whatever sympathy he had for her had slipped away. Now he found himself exasperated by her theatric behavior. "I've explained myself again and again, Merle. Do you think I'm not hurt either?"
"I knew you best," Merle muttered softly. "I was just trying to give you what wanted…"
"If you really knew me best than you would have known that fame was what I detested most," Van replied coldly. "I thought you would have known, but you didn't. It took me a long time to realize that you no longer knew what I really wanted anymore."
"How could you not want fame? Everyone wants fame!" Merle insisted, voice becoming a shrill.
"I wanted to be remembered in history! I wanted people to still be listening to my records fifty years after I died! I didn't want millions of fan girls gushing about my looks. I didn't want scores of reporters camping out on my front door step every night. I never wanted it and I still don't."
"But how can you be remembered without it?" Merle shouted. "The Beatles aren't famous just for making music! They're famous because of their publicity! Fame is the same thing as publicity. Wanting fame means wanting publicity!"
"Merle, it's what you want," Van snapped. "You want that kind of fame."
They both lapsed into a tense silence. Tears streamed down Merle's determined face. Van lifted a finger up to his eyes and flicked away a stray tear.
"How could it end out like this?" Merle whispered, breaking the silence. "We were best friends, first loves… How could we hurt each other so much?"
They both met the other's eyes painfully.
"Merle," Van started. "I'm not hurt just because of the things you've done. I'm hurt because I thought you knew better. I thought you would always be Merle Catsdaughter, my best friend. Maybe that's one mistake on my part. In my mind, I thought you were unchangeable. I wouldn't give you any freedom to become what you wanted. Maybe because of this, I somehow influenced you the wrong way into becoming something I didn't want. Let me finish," he said when Merle opened her mouth to protest.
Merle wouldn't let him. "Van we can still be together," she insisted. "We can't have known each other so long to just end this way. It's not right. I'll try to better. I promise I'll listen to you—"
"That would only work, Merle," Van interrupted, "If I still loved you like I used to. Maybe then I would have considered it. But right now I don't think the effort would be worth it."
Merle gave out a long, wretched sob. This comment had hit her harder than anything else.
Van looked at her sadly. "Merle, don't cry," he said gently. "For the sake of our childhood, you'll always have a place in my heart, if only because I really did love you once. But you don't hold my heart the way you used to. You never will, I've already come to terms with that. Besides, somebody else holds my heart now."
Merle's head snapped up at him, eyes burning with a dark fire.
"Didn't you know?" said Van. "Merle I've already met a girl who can fill your void. This girl loves me for the person I am without my fame. She loves my music because she thinks it's beautiful, not because of their popularity. When she walks out of the house, she goes as herself and nothing more. Her image is her true self, not a made-up cat in glitter. And most of all, she does what she wants, not what the paparazzi expects of her."
Merle glanced to the side. Following her gaze, Van confirmed her worst fears.
"Yes, that's Hitomi, my girlfriend," said Van.
Merle furiously wiped away her tears. "So you've replaced me, then?" she snapped. "What does the paparazzi think of her, hm? Do they love her? Do they scorn her?"
Van then realized the secret he had let out. What have I done?
Merle laughed at the look on his face in manic giggles. "You've been hiding her, haven't you?" she said maliciously.
Van would have been shocked at the venom in her voice if he hadn't known Merle's true nature. He shrugged.
"If you want to blab to the press, go ahead," he said nonchalantly.
"And if I do?" Merle challenged.
Van gave her a slow, hard glare. "Don't ever expect a word from me again."
Merle gasped. A small sob escaped her lips. Covering her face, Merle raced out of the room, into the parking lot. She knocked into her limo driver and demanded her cell phone. Snatching the phone out of the poor driver's fumbling hands, Merle pressed a speed dial and held the phone to her ear, tapping her foot impatiently for the other line to pick up.
"Hey Sunny, this is Mary," she said chirpily in a fake cheery voice. "Have I got a scoop for you…"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hitomi and Dilandau had relaxed into some chairs when suddenly, something blew past them. They raised their heads to the sight of Merle's retreating back.
"Well, I guess Van's finally broken off completely from her," Dilandau commented.
Despite her knowledge of Merle's past, Hitomi couldn't help but feel sorry for the girl. But she felt even more sorry for Van.
Warm hands dropped onto her shoulder from behind. Hitomi looked up into Van's hair-hidden face.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, turning around in her chair.
Van plopped down onto the chair next to her. "I've been better," he said. "Can you comfort me?"
Van then surprised her by dropping a slow kiss onto her lips.
"Van!" Hitomi exclaimed. "Not that I mind but there're still people here…"
"It's makes no difference," Van said gruffly. "It'll be all over the papers by tomorrow morning."
Hitomi and Dilandau but looked sharply at him.
Van nodded dejectedly. "Merle knows about us," he said. "And you can bet she'll leak it out to the press the first chance she gets."
A/n Ack, this chapter had so many mood swings, especially in Van and Merle's dialoguge. One moment they're talking about the past and the next they're yelling at each other. Gah, so inconsistent. Sorry about that. This is the informational chapter so… tell me it it's confusing. I checked it over for grammar but I'm not sure how the actually writing was…