**Curtain opens on Seifer as Paris and Caraway who is still playing
Capulet.**
Sefeir: Give me your daughter and I will give you a wheel of blue cheese.
Caraway: Add some SPANK and you've got yourself a deal and roasted chicken.
Sefeir: Oooh, I'll give you some SPANK.
Caraway: Hee hee! But I warn you that she hath not seen the change of fourteen years and henceforth, she is not 'ripest' fruit you can find. Be gentle with her, she has not seen the sheets of a man's bed.
Sefeir: No, but I've seen her sheets.
Caraway: Excuse me?
Sefeir: I mean-uh ... I did not touch the merchandise. No, no ... no touchey.
(Sam: *From balcony* FOR CHRIST'S SALTY SAKE, STAY ON SCRIPT!)
Caraway: Damn straight. We shall have a party tonight! Yaay! With balloons ... *Ponders* And confetti!
Sefeir: Yay!
Caraway: *Stupid smile* So ... yeah ... the news is already out. Let us speak SPANK.
**Curtain closes. Then reopens on Zell and Squall walking through the streets of Verona**
Zell: Tit,man...oops! I mean...TUT man! I thought those kiddies cheered you up.
**Rajin enters as a messenger**
Rajin: Me no read, ya know. If thy aren't not from the Montagues, read me el paper, sil vous plait.
Zell: Ooh! It's a PAR-TAY! At the Capulet's! Whee! I hear their daughter's got a pretty nice ass. We may be able to get you a little rendez-vous, if ya know what I mean.
Rajin: ... Ya know.
Squall: Whatever. I want to justify that nice ass for myself.
**Curtain closes and opens in Juliet's/Rinoa's chambers**
Cid: *In a high-pitched voice* Juliet! Juliet!
Edea: *As the nurse* Juliet, oh Juliet! We come to talk of marriage! Come now ... *Sudden mood swing* GET YOUR SKANKY ASS IN HERE NOW!
Rinoa: *Saunters in* Marriage? It is a honor I dream not of.
Cid: Well, that Paris is QUITE the pimp so you should have lots of fun with him. Why I caught him and your father-
Rinoa: *Looks pleadingly at the balcony where Sam and Lin are sitting*
(Lin: *Thumbs up*
Sam: *Groans* For the Love of God ... why can't they stick to the script?)
Rinoa: Uh ... *Interrupts Cid's rambling of strange homosexual scenes* I will attend the party but ... I don't really want to marry the guy.
Cid: Oh fiddlesticks, you'll love him! Enough with the shenanigans. Go put some clothes on.
Rinoa: I have clothes on.
Cid: The way I'm imagining you, you don't.
Rinoa: *Runs off stage and the curtain closes*
**Curtain reopens on Benvolio (Zell), Mercutio (Irvine) and Romeo (Squall).**
Zell: Tonight's the night! We're gonna get you hooked up with a fat, hairy chick!
Squall: Whatever, just give me the freaking torch.
Irvine: If you don't want the hairy, fat chick. I'll gladly take her off your hands. Besides, you're a pimpster! Just rip the wings off of that naked lil child named 'Cupid' and FLY! Love is like a prick ... I'm a prick, so I'm like love. Everyone likes love ... everyone love me. But I like aggressive love. I'm a prick with a prick. Both are like love ... so love them nicely.
Squall: JUST GET ME A FREAKING TORCH!
Irvine: Isn't there one in your pants. Oh, lookey! It's lit!
Squall: ... whatever. I dreamt a dream tonight.
Irvine: *Gasp* So did I!
Squall: What did you dream?
Irvine: That dreamers often lie! I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She's the fairy mid-wife that gives birth to your children in thy sleep and then eats them! Her chariot is an empty hazelnut with squirrels pulling it! I like squirrels! I like to eat them! Squirrels are like babies! You scoop out their brains with a spoon! There's a fork in my ear!
Squall: Where're you going with this?
Irvine: I'm not sure, I lost myself at the hazelnut. And when she eats your babies she shits them out on your windshield! If she gets angry then she plagues you with herpies and blisters! Mouth herpies are gross.
Zell: Peace, Mercutio ... peace. Thou talkest of nothing.
Irvine: JIBBER JABBER! I talkest of dreams!
Zell: You talkest of LSD.
Irvine: BIGOT!!!! BIGOT!!!
**Squall and Zell walk a little ahead trying to leave him behind but he follows them**
Irvine: SPOON BIGGOT! BIGGOT!
**Curtain closes and reopens at the party**
Caraway: Welcome gentlemen and ladies that have their toes unplagued with corns will walk about you. Aha-ha-ha! *He mingles with the people*
Squall: *Spots Rinoa in the far corner of the room. He thinks aloud to himself* Why that's a nice piece of ass right there. I think I should watch her from here because there might be a magnetize forced pulling my rude hand in inappropriate places ... *Wiggles fingers*
Fujin: Him Montague! *Orders to a random, naked child* Fetch pointyness!
Caraway: Young Romeo, is it? Word has it he's a 'mo! Leave him be! ... cock- a-hoop!
Fujin: Crazy.
Caraway: You saucy moron.
Squall: *Can't help himself any longer* Hello, hello!
Rinoa: *Smiles sweetly* Hello handsome ... *Like an Italian prostitute*
Squall: Excellent, we have an ice breaker! *His eyebrows wiggle* So ... whatever ... and, uhm ... lest not my idle hand profane thy ass ... I mean, bosom ... so erm, can I kiss now?
Rinoa: YES! *Redeems herself* I mean, thou do your hands wrong too much. My hands and lips are only used for prayer! *Clasps her hands together* Keepin' it Christian, hells ya!
Squall: Have not Saints' lips and holy palmers too?
Rinoa: Are you fuckin-I mean ... dost thou not hearest me? ONLY IN PRAYER! You dirty, dirty boy ... *Shakes finger reprimandingly*
Squall: Whatever. Let lips do what hands do, let 'em pray! Grant me a miracle! Purge my sins!! *He kisses her*
Rinoa: *Breaks away* I don't want your frickin' sins!
Squall: Whatever, I'll be taking those back then ... *Kisses her AGAIN*
Rinoa: *Smirks* You kiss by th' book ...
Squall: *Tucks a kissing manual behind his back* What makes you say that?
Edea: Madame, your mother craves you ... I mean, a WORD WITH YOU!
Squall: What is her mother?
Edea: A man ... but shh ... it's a secret. None must know, not even the Lord. I nursed her daughter, that thou speakest to and I tell you that he who can lay hold of her shall have the chinks!
Squall: Isn't that some form of scabbies ... STD?
Edea: Precisely ...
Rinoa: HEY! Where did this come from suddenly?
Squall: Is she a Capulet? Aw phooey!
Zell: Away, be gone, the sport is at the best! *Wriggles his eyebrows and exits trying to grab a young woman's ass, making piggy noises and snorting*
Squall: Aw, now I'm Squall-like and depressed. Whatever. *Exits*
Caraway: *Talking to air* But don't you want some roasted beefcakes? *Has smoked a doobie or two* FINE! BE THAT WAY! I'll go wax my legs! Ah, sirrah, by my fay, I'll to my rest ... and we all know what that means ... *Exits*
Rinoa: *To Edea* Nurse, come hither ... *She points to Squall who is slouching out the door all mopey and Squall-like, whatever* Who bee-ist thine yonder gentlemen ... HO!
Edea: *She squints* That's the son and heir of Toblerone ... mm, chocolate.
Rinoa: NO! Not that one ... *She points to Squall and emphasizes* HIM!
Edea: Oh, why I believe ... *Leans forward* Marry, I believe that be young Pistachio ... mm, I could go for nuts right now!!
Rinoa: ARE YOU FLIPPING BLIND, WOMAN?? THAT ONE!! *Runs to the door, grabs Squall by the collar and drags him across to Edea* HIM! *Shoves him backwards*
Squall: *Stumbles backwards, confused* Oh no! You made me drop my doobie! Where'd it go? Where'd it go?! *Crawls on all fours, out the door in the search for his spliff*
Edea: I AM NOT BLIND YOU INSOLENT CHILD OF HELL! *Takes a spoon and begins to beat Rinoa with it, crowd gasps* TIME COMPRESSION! SUMMON LIZARDS! Woo, pretty lights ... *Gazes off into the distance*
Rinoa: *Bleeding from the ears, crying*
Edea: Yes, so ... anyways, his name is young Romeo ... a Montague, the only son of your great enemy.
Rinoa: *Croaks out words painfully* Oh woe is me, my only love sprung from my only hate ... someone call 911 ... please ... too early seen unknown and known too late ... *Points at man in the crowd* Give me that cellphone ... Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy ... GOD WILL SOMEONE HELP ME!? *Collapses on the stage*
Edea: What is this? What is this weakness? NO PAIN, NO GAIN, CHILD! *Raises spoons and curtain draws*
Review and this shall be continued ...
P.S. We're not on crack ... sometimes we're not hippopotamuses either!
Sefeir: Give me your daughter and I will give you a wheel of blue cheese.
Caraway: Add some SPANK and you've got yourself a deal and roasted chicken.
Sefeir: Oooh, I'll give you some SPANK.
Caraway: Hee hee! But I warn you that she hath not seen the change of fourteen years and henceforth, she is not 'ripest' fruit you can find. Be gentle with her, she has not seen the sheets of a man's bed.
Sefeir: No, but I've seen her sheets.
Caraway: Excuse me?
Sefeir: I mean-uh ... I did not touch the merchandise. No, no ... no touchey.
(Sam: *From balcony* FOR CHRIST'S SALTY SAKE, STAY ON SCRIPT!)
Caraway: Damn straight. We shall have a party tonight! Yaay! With balloons ... *Ponders* And confetti!
Sefeir: Yay!
Caraway: *Stupid smile* So ... yeah ... the news is already out. Let us speak SPANK.
**Curtain closes. Then reopens on Zell and Squall walking through the streets of Verona**
Zell: Tit,man...oops! I mean...TUT man! I thought those kiddies cheered you up.
**Rajin enters as a messenger**
Rajin: Me no read, ya know. If thy aren't not from the Montagues, read me el paper, sil vous plait.
Zell: Ooh! It's a PAR-TAY! At the Capulet's! Whee! I hear their daughter's got a pretty nice ass. We may be able to get you a little rendez-vous, if ya know what I mean.
Rajin: ... Ya know.
Squall: Whatever. I want to justify that nice ass for myself.
**Curtain closes and opens in Juliet's/Rinoa's chambers**
Cid: *In a high-pitched voice* Juliet! Juliet!
Edea: *As the nurse* Juliet, oh Juliet! We come to talk of marriage! Come now ... *Sudden mood swing* GET YOUR SKANKY ASS IN HERE NOW!
Rinoa: *Saunters in* Marriage? It is a honor I dream not of.
Cid: Well, that Paris is QUITE the pimp so you should have lots of fun with him. Why I caught him and your father-
Rinoa: *Looks pleadingly at the balcony where Sam and Lin are sitting*
(Lin: *Thumbs up*
Sam: *Groans* For the Love of God ... why can't they stick to the script?)
Rinoa: Uh ... *Interrupts Cid's rambling of strange homosexual scenes* I will attend the party but ... I don't really want to marry the guy.
Cid: Oh fiddlesticks, you'll love him! Enough with the shenanigans. Go put some clothes on.
Rinoa: I have clothes on.
Cid: The way I'm imagining you, you don't.
Rinoa: *Runs off stage and the curtain closes*
**Curtain reopens on Benvolio (Zell), Mercutio (Irvine) and Romeo (Squall).**
Zell: Tonight's the night! We're gonna get you hooked up with a fat, hairy chick!
Squall: Whatever, just give me the freaking torch.
Irvine: If you don't want the hairy, fat chick. I'll gladly take her off your hands. Besides, you're a pimpster! Just rip the wings off of that naked lil child named 'Cupid' and FLY! Love is like a prick ... I'm a prick, so I'm like love. Everyone likes love ... everyone love me. But I like aggressive love. I'm a prick with a prick. Both are like love ... so love them nicely.
Squall: JUST GET ME A FREAKING TORCH!
Irvine: Isn't there one in your pants. Oh, lookey! It's lit!
Squall: ... whatever. I dreamt a dream tonight.
Irvine: *Gasp* So did I!
Squall: What did you dream?
Irvine: That dreamers often lie! I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She's the fairy mid-wife that gives birth to your children in thy sleep and then eats them! Her chariot is an empty hazelnut with squirrels pulling it! I like squirrels! I like to eat them! Squirrels are like babies! You scoop out their brains with a spoon! There's a fork in my ear!
Squall: Where're you going with this?
Irvine: I'm not sure, I lost myself at the hazelnut. And when she eats your babies she shits them out on your windshield! If she gets angry then she plagues you with herpies and blisters! Mouth herpies are gross.
Zell: Peace, Mercutio ... peace. Thou talkest of nothing.
Irvine: JIBBER JABBER! I talkest of dreams!
Zell: You talkest of LSD.
Irvine: BIGOT!!!! BIGOT!!!
**Squall and Zell walk a little ahead trying to leave him behind but he follows them**
Irvine: SPOON BIGGOT! BIGGOT!
**Curtain closes and reopens at the party**
Caraway: Welcome gentlemen and ladies that have their toes unplagued with corns will walk about you. Aha-ha-ha! *He mingles with the people*
Squall: *Spots Rinoa in the far corner of the room. He thinks aloud to himself* Why that's a nice piece of ass right there. I think I should watch her from here because there might be a magnetize forced pulling my rude hand in inappropriate places ... *Wiggles fingers*
Fujin: Him Montague! *Orders to a random, naked child* Fetch pointyness!
Caraway: Young Romeo, is it? Word has it he's a 'mo! Leave him be! ... cock- a-hoop!
Fujin: Crazy.
Caraway: You saucy moron.
Squall: *Can't help himself any longer* Hello, hello!
Rinoa: *Smiles sweetly* Hello handsome ... *Like an Italian prostitute*
Squall: Excellent, we have an ice breaker! *His eyebrows wiggle* So ... whatever ... and, uhm ... lest not my idle hand profane thy ass ... I mean, bosom ... so erm, can I kiss now?
Rinoa: YES! *Redeems herself* I mean, thou do your hands wrong too much. My hands and lips are only used for prayer! *Clasps her hands together* Keepin' it Christian, hells ya!
Squall: Have not Saints' lips and holy palmers too?
Rinoa: Are you fuckin-I mean ... dost thou not hearest me? ONLY IN PRAYER! You dirty, dirty boy ... *Shakes finger reprimandingly*
Squall: Whatever. Let lips do what hands do, let 'em pray! Grant me a miracle! Purge my sins!! *He kisses her*
Rinoa: *Breaks away* I don't want your frickin' sins!
Squall: Whatever, I'll be taking those back then ... *Kisses her AGAIN*
Rinoa: *Smirks* You kiss by th' book ...
Squall: *Tucks a kissing manual behind his back* What makes you say that?
Edea: Madame, your mother craves you ... I mean, a WORD WITH YOU!
Squall: What is her mother?
Edea: A man ... but shh ... it's a secret. None must know, not even the Lord. I nursed her daughter, that thou speakest to and I tell you that he who can lay hold of her shall have the chinks!
Squall: Isn't that some form of scabbies ... STD?
Edea: Precisely ...
Rinoa: HEY! Where did this come from suddenly?
Squall: Is she a Capulet? Aw phooey!
Zell: Away, be gone, the sport is at the best! *Wriggles his eyebrows and exits trying to grab a young woman's ass, making piggy noises and snorting*
Squall: Aw, now I'm Squall-like and depressed. Whatever. *Exits*
Caraway: *Talking to air* But don't you want some roasted beefcakes? *Has smoked a doobie or two* FINE! BE THAT WAY! I'll go wax my legs! Ah, sirrah, by my fay, I'll to my rest ... and we all know what that means ... *Exits*
Rinoa: *To Edea* Nurse, come hither ... *She points to Squall who is slouching out the door all mopey and Squall-like, whatever* Who bee-ist thine yonder gentlemen ... HO!
Edea: *She squints* That's the son and heir of Toblerone ... mm, chocolate.
Rinoa: NO! Not that one ... *She points to Squall and emphasizes* HIM!
Edea: Oh, why I believe ... *Leans forward* Marry, I believe that be young Pistachio ... mm, I could go for nuts right now!!
Rinoa: ARE YOU FLIPPING BLIND, WOMAN?? THAT ONE!! *Runs to the door, grabs Squall by the collar and drags him across to Edea* HIM! *Shoves him backwards*
Squall: *Stumbles backwards, confused* Oh no! You made me drop my doobie! Where'd it go? Where'd it go?! *Crawls on all fours, out the door in the search for his spliff*
Edea: I AM NOT BLIND YOU INSOLENT CHILD OF HELL! *Takes a spoon and begins to beat Rinoa with it, crowd gasps* TIME COMPRESSION! SUMMON LIZARDS! Woo, pretty lights ... *Gazes off into the distance*
Rinoa: *Bleeding from the ears, crying*
Edea: Yes, so ... anyways, his name is young Romeo ... a Montague, the only son of your great enemy.
Rinoa: *Croaks out words painfully* Oh woe is me, my only love sprung from my only hate ... someone call 911 ... please ... too early seen unknown and known too late ... *Points at man in the crowd* Give me that cellphone ... Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy ... GOD WILL SOMEONE HELP ME!? *Collapses on the stage*
Edea: What is this? What is this weakness? NO PAIN, NO GAIN, CHILD! *Raises spoons and curtain draws*
Review and this shall be continued ...
P.S. We're not on crack ... sometimes we're not hippopotamuses either!