Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, or any of its characters and whatnot. (Though I'd love to own all those hot guys.) It's all property of Koyasu Takehito, Kyoko Tsuchiya, and Project Weiß.
WARNINGS: Minor *YAOI* goodiness, minor language, OOC-ness, and Farfie. (He's so scary I HAVE to warn you about him.)
Notes: My very first fic with Schwarz as the main characters. Something I'd never thought I'd do, but here we are. Schwarz fangirls, forgive me if they're.... weird.
~A Not-So-Normal Schwarz Day~
Well, at least it started like a normal day.
Bradley Crawford got out of bed at exactly seven o'clock. He made his bed so neatly one wondered if he had Army training, and opened his closet door. There was nothing in here but twenty cream suits, twenty white shirts, twenty sea-green ties, and twenty pairs of brown loafers*. He picked one of each and marched off to the bathroom.
At exactly seven-twenty, Brad emerged showered, dressed, and pin-neat from the bathroom. He looked as clean as can be, as if someone had just taken him out of the box. He smirked to himself and marched downstairs for breakfast.
That was where the usual morning routine stopped.
The kitchen was not empty when Brad entered. He frowned. Usually he had the kitchen all to himself at this early (relatively) hour, so he was severely displeased at the sight which greeted him.
Farfarello was busily stabbing each and every square in the Life cereal box. He was surrounded by crumbs and was giggling insanely. Nagi, still wearing his pink pajamas with the bunnies on them, was eating Lucky Charms without tearing his eyes from the pictures of Omi from Weiss and Tot from Schreient that now littered the table. And Schuldich was drinking coffee at the counter, dressed only in boxers with pictures of the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile on them. Instead of his usual yellow headband and red sunglasses, Schuldich's hair was held back by a purple scarf and one of those sleep masks**.
Mornin' Braddie. Finally up? Schuldich greeted him, paging through the newspaper. Brad paled considerably as he saw the way Schuldich had scattered the sections and mixed everything up in a search for the funnies.
What did you do to my paper?! Brad whispered. He felt faint at the chaos and disorder around him.
Needed the funnies. Hey! Look! Charlie Brown said good grief'. Didn't see that one coming!
Nagi giggled, dribbling Lucky Charms all over the table. Heeehee. Good grief.
Charlie Brown hurts God! Farfie announced before going back to his stabbing. He was making scratches in the good linoleum, Brad saw.
Since when? Nagi wanted to know. Charlie Brown never does anything bad.
He's got a round head! Round heads hurt God! And Farfie got up and ran off, probably to look for a way to make his head round.
Brad dropped limply into his favourite chair. He struggled with the thought that his day was looking pretty bad. How could he possibly get through his usual day of boring routine without his usual, routine breakfast? He glared at Schuldich. Get me some coffee, you bum.
Ouch. You wound me, mien führer, Schuldich said with a wink, pouring a cup and handing it over. Brad glared at it. It was in a mug that said Welcome to Louisiana' on it, and had a picture of a crawdad (dressed for Mardi Gras).
This isn't my cup. This is your cup.
Schuldich was drinking his own coffee out of what was clearly Brad's plain, white, boring mug.
You're drinking out of my mug!
So? A mug's a mug.
No it isn't! I can't have my coffee in this! I need MY mug! Brad snatched his plain, white, boring mug out of Schuldich's hands, marched over to the sink, and poured it down the drain.
Shut up. Brad washed out the mug, dried it, and poured more coffee (black) into it. He thrust the crawdad mug into Schuldich's hands. There. Now. OUT. Both of you. Get dressed.
Scowling, Nagi and Schuldich slouched away.
***
Brad was relieved to finally have his day back to normal. Well, normal if you ignored the messy kitchen and the fact that he was having breakfast at least an hour late, but he figured he'd better take what he could get. Brad popped his usual bagel into the toaster with the usual setting of 4, then reached for his usual cream cheese to put on the bagel when it popped out.
No dice. There was no cream cheese. Brad rummaged frantically through the fridge. Where could it be?!
Farfie wandered in, licking his knife. Have you seen my blender?
Brad replied. Have you seen my cream cheese?
SchuSchu took it. He said Nagi looked good in it. Farfie smiled happily, seized the spare blender they kept solely so he could grind random things in it, and pranced off. Brad groaned and whacked his head on the door of the fridge.
No cream cheese. But Brad wasn't going out to buy any cream cheese; no, sir! He'd make Schuldich do it later as a punishment. So instead of cream cheese, Brad had peanut butter on his bagel that morning. He straightened the newspaper, read his favourite section (Business), folded the paper neatly, finished his coffee, and went into the living room.
Where he found Schuldich and Nagi in a very compromising position on the sofa, and Farfie giggling insanely and videotaping it all.
WHAT - ARE - YOU - DOING?! Brad yelled.
What does it look like, Braddie? Schuldich purred in a sexy voice.
Never mind! Why are you - and what is Farfarello doing -?
SchuSchu says making gay porn movies hurts God, Farfie said happily.
Making porn movies hurts God, but gay porn is the worst, Schuldich smirked.
But Nagi -!
If I'm good, Schuldich promised to dress up as Tot for me, Nagi said simply.
Brad threw up his hands and ran upstairs, where he barricaded himself in the sub-space computer room.***
***
~SEVERAL HOURS LATER~
*Knock. Knock.*
C'mon, Braddie, we're sorry.
Come out, we didn't mean it. Next time we'll do it in the bathroom.
Liebchen... I don't think that'll make him want to come out....
No, I guess not....
I found out what happens when you feed dynamite to rats!
Farfie... that won't work either....
Well, that explained the explosions Brad had heard all day. But he refused to listen to his teammates' apologies. He was scrunched in a corner, hugging his knees to his chest and glaring in random directions (think Aya). He was trying not to blink. Every time he closed his eyes, the sight of Schuldich and Nagi's .... er.... activities came to mind. He shuddered.
*Knock, Knock.*
C'mon, Braddie.... it's getting late... Nagi-chan wants to use his computer...
I told you not to call me that!
Sorry, liebchen.... there was a long silence. Then a loud *thunk!* that sounded like someone had kicked the door.
Fine, you old grump, Schuldich yelled. Be that way, we don't care!
SchuSchu.... Brad's too smart to fall for reverse psychology....
Oh, shut up, Farfie. Their footsteps faded away. Brad breathed a sigh of relief and looked at his watch. Hmmm. Five-forty-five PM. His stomach grumbled angrily. He had missed his usual, routine lunch of a tuna fish sandwich and a glass of juice at exactly twelve o'clock, and since all he had eaten today was a cup of coffee and a peanut-butter bagel, he was starving. He wished he was telekinetic like Nagi; then he could use his mind to make a sandwich and float it up to the sub-space computer room. But he was NOT Nagi; so Brad's only choice was to go downstairs and get something to eat. Besides, he always had supper at exactly six.
But things clearly weren't right. As soon as he opened the door of the sub-space computer room, he could hear the sounds of the TV downstairs. He frowned severely. He had made it a Schwarz Rule that all four members were to eat a nice, civilized meal, TOGETHER, in the dining room, with NO TV. But with Schuldich in charge.... Brad sighed and hastened downstairs.
The living room was a pigsty. Farfie had made a mess of himself and half the sofa eating BBQ pork ribs. Nagi was eating chocolate cake and pizza with Skittles on top. Schuldich was still in his Weiner Mobile boxers and was eating ramen right out of the pan, dribbling broth all over himself and the rug. The TV was turned to Super Happy Family Wish Show, where one of the contestants had to climb Mount Fuji in order to earn 1,000 points for his team. But the worst thing was, not one of the three men had a vegetable in sight, unless you counted the tomato sauce on Nagi's pizza.
Brad groaned. Another Schwarz Rule was to have a vegetable every night with your supper. How could any of them get proper nutrition without eating vegetables?!
Schuldich looked up when he heard Brad groan and grinned. Hey, Braddie. Finally out of isolation?
What have you done to this room? wailed Brad. It's a mess!
Well, you weren't talking to us, or coming out, so we had to fend for ourselves tonight, Nagi said defensively.
Maybe so, but you know the rules! We all eat together, in the dining room, DRESSED, with helpings of vegetables!!! Brad screeched.
One day without veggies can't hurt, Nagi argued.
Not eating vegetables hurts God! Farfie announced. God doesn't like it when we eat His animals, so that's what I'm doing!!!
Brad massaged his temples and gave up. Fine. I don't care. I'll let it go - this time. I'm going to make myself supper and eat it in the dining room. Anyone who wants to join me, feel free...
But he was talking to no one. The guy climbing Mt. Fuji was being butted around by goats, and all eyes were glued to the TV. Brad sighed again and left.
He made himself plain, boiled chicken with plain mashed potatoes and plain, boiled cabbage. His beverage - a glass of milk. He ended up sitting all alone in the dining room, until Super Happy Family Wish Show was over. Then the other three members of Schwarz joined him with their desserts - chocolate cake. Brad bit his lip and tried to refrain from reminding Nagi that it was his second slice of the day (definitely NOT allowed), but he couldn't hold in his rage when Farfie started getting a mix of chocolate frosting and BBQ sauce on the pristine white tablecloth.
NO, NO, NO! Brad yelled, jumping up and tearing at his hair. That's NOT now you eat cake!!! For Farfie was eating with his fingers. You are NOT a wild animal! Use a FORK! Look at what you're doing to my TABLECLOTH! That'll NEVER come out!!!!
Calm down, Braddie, Schuldich said, alarmed. It's only a little... well, okay, it's a lot messy, but getting a new one's no problem.... right?
THAT WAS AN HEIRLOOM FROM MY GRANDMOTHER! Brad shrieked, losing his head completely and throwing his boiled cabbage at them. GOD, I WISH WEISS WOULD KILL YOU ALL!
I thought we didn't use the W' word in this house! Schuldich yelled, as Nagi, scandalized, clamped his hands over his own ears. Farfie merely picked cabbage out of his hair.
WEISS! WEISS! WEISS! Brad yelled back. I HOPE THEY KILL YOU ALL!
And he ran upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom.
Schuldich, Nagi, and Farfie sat completely still, stunned at Brad's outburst.
Do you think he meant it when he said he wanted Weiss to kill us? Nagi whispered.
Schuldich gulped. I can't get into his head.
I thought you could get into everybody's head.
No. I can get into everybody's pants, but not everybody's head.
I didn't need to know that....
***
~SEVERAL MORE HOURS LATER~
It was exactly ten o'clock. Bedtime in the Schwarz household. Brad put on his plain, blue-and-white striped pajamas, brushed his teeth with his plain, blue toothbrush, removed his glasses, and got into bed. He lay flat on his back, hands folded neatly on his chest, and closed his eyes.
*SMASH!*
Schuldich landed on Brad like a ton of bricks. Brad yelled and sat up, fumbling for his glasses and switching on the lamp beside his bed. Schuldich was laying across his legs.
What is it now? Brad asked, his left eye beginning to twitch violently.
Farfie came into my room with a knife.....
It's ten-ten! He should be in bed!
You make us go to bed too early, Brad, Schuldich pouted as Nagi wandered into the room, dragging his blankie along with him. Weiss get to stay up as late as they want.
I've talked to Fujimiya, and you know that just isn't true, Brad growled.
But they get to go to bed at eleven!
I DON'T CARE! GO TO BED!
I'm lonely... can I sleep in here with you?
Me too! Nagi shrieked, jumping onto the bed as well.
N-O. NO! Brad yelled.
Come on, I don't wanna sleep alone! The redhead turned pleading puppy eyes on Brad. It would have worked on everybody else in the universe, but not Brad, the Original Mr. Icicle.
Then take Nagi to bed with you. And keep it down.
Schuldich squealed. NAGI! He just gave us permission to screw! Let's go! And he dragged the telepath and his blankie from the room. Scowling, Brad straightened his blankets, turned out the light, took off his glasses, and tried to go to sleep. It was difficult, seeing as Schuldich and Nagi were NOT bothering to keep their voices down. After ten traumatizing minutes of Oh! Schuuuuuu! and Oiiiiiii, mien liebchen....... Brad jumped out of bed, grabbed his pillow and blankets, and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
Half the sofa was still sticky with BBQ sauce. Wrinkling his nose (and practically crying inside at the thought of how much that would cost to clean), he settled himself instead in the recliner, which worked okay as a bed once he tilted it as far back as it could go. He shut his eyes and went to sleep. But even his sleep was not routine tonight; instead of his usual dream of murdering Fujimiya and kidnapping his sister, all Brad could dream of was Schuldich and Nagi in togas, dancing to Mambo Number Five' while Farfie was busy stabbing the CD player.
He woke up the next morning to something dripping on his head. As soon as he opened his eyes, Farfie's scarred and grinning face filled his vision. Brad shrieked like a woman and tumbled out of the recliner. Farfie sniggered.
FARFARELLO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Brad gasped, sitting up and massaging his chest. He thought he could feel a heart attack coming on.
Farfie took another bite of cereal, dripping milk all over Brad's pillow. Well, that explained what had been dripping on him. SchuSchu says get up. He says we have to go to the festival. Weiss are going to be there, with Fujimiya's sister.
Brad leapt to his feet. I'll be right back!!! He ran upstairs, changed into another cream-suit-white-shirt-green-tie-ensemble and was back in five minutes. Let's GOOOOOOOOOO! He squealed, jumping into the passenger seat of Schuldich's red car.
Schuldich smirked as he, Nagi, and Farfie joined Brad in the car. Nice to see you're back to normal, Braddie, he said happily.
I'm off to kill Fujimiya! Brad said, sparkly-eyed, the background behind him melting into pastel smears and shoujo bubbles. Rose petals fluttered by.
Schuldich's smirk widened. Yep, same old Braddie. Heil Gott.
And off they went.
THE END
*Hm. I can't remember if Brad wears brown shoes or white shoes. I didn't feel like breaking the DVDs out at 7:30 AM just to see what colour Brad's shoes are, so forgive me if I'm wrong.
**Anyone interested in Schuldich's sleep wear, give me your email and a request for it. I'll gladly send you the picture/diagram I drew. Just ask me to send Schu's PJs. You won't be disappointed. (I also offer Nagi!)
*** You know, that room with Nagi's computer in it that Schwarz always hangs out in.