Chapter 9
It was insane. Pure insanity. There was no way he could be in love, especially with Ginny Weasley. It was impossible. He'd never been shown love, so how could he know what it was? The Dursleys certainly never expressed it to him, or around him.
He rolled over in bed again, rumpling the sheets.
Harry had been arguing with himself over this matter for the past few weeks. Everything was fine with their relationship; there were no hitches. Well, no hitches he knew of, and Ginny was pretty open when she was upset.
Giving up on sleep he threw back his sheets and parted his curtains. He put on his glasses from the bedside table, and wandered over to the window. It was dark outside, and the moon was reflecting brightly off the lake. It had obviously been snowing the past few hours of the night, as it continued to thicken the white blanket that covered the grounds now. December winter had settled in.
Sighing, he rested his elbow on the window ledge and stared out at the night.
What was love anyway? He thought. He was never allowed to watch T.V at the Dursleys, so he'd never seen it. Books were a rare sight in that household, so he'd never read the symptoms of it. He knew so little of it, so how could he jump to such a ludicrous idea? A crazy feeling that wasn't often seen in the muggle world, much less the wizarding world. How was it possible, for Harry Potter to feel such a thing?
But the gut wrenching feeling he got when he saw her, touched her, or just looking into her eyes, had to have a name. This was far beyond a crush, he decided.
He groaned inwardly and rested his forehead in the palm of his hand. He took one deep breath, and looked out at the grounds again. Pink was mingling with orange in hints of sunrise on the edge of the mountains.
He'd figure out his own feelings before he told her, he decided. Then something struck him; he'd never doubted himself before, so why now? He'd taken so many chances before, most that could've killed him, but they were risks all the same. He was unsure then too, and that was life or death. This confusing feeling sure felt like life or death. Maybe taking a leap, and unsure one at that, and telling her he loved her would release the rock in his stomach that seemed to grow heavier the more time he spent with her. But he just didn't know. Death was a serious risk, and he's risked it so many times before, why couldn't he just risk his heart?
He knew why. Because if Ginny broke his heart, he'd have to live with the pain for the rest of his life.
When he'd risked his life, he'd only ended up with physical wounds. That is, except the hole Sirius had left in him. That would definitely stay with him forever, as would the wound Ginny could leave on him.
~*~
Little did Harry know, Ginny was up also, pondering the same thing.
She hadn't been able to sleep the past couple nights. Harry was constantly on her mind. She just couldn't shake the thought of him, and it was driving her nuts.
She moved away from the girls' dorm window where the sun was beginning to show signs of morning, and started to ruffle through her trunk for clothes. It was a Hogsmead Saturday, the first weekend of Christmas break, and she was planning to visit the village with Hermione, Ron and Harry.
She smiled at the thought of him. His untidy black hair, and his wonderful green eyes, just made her smile. She loved his adorable grin that he always had right before he kissed her. Licking her lips, she pulled her robes over her sweater and school uniform skirt. She tossed her cloak over her arm and left her fellow students to sleep the morning away.
She reached the bottom of the staircase and wandered into the common room, and smiled, as the fire was warmly burning in the hearth. Decided she wasn't quite hungry enough for breakfast and sat herself down in a chair.
It wasn't long before a few early risers started milling around the common room, Hermione among them.
Hermione saw Ginny staring into the fire, a small smirk on her face, and opted to join her.
"Morning Ginny. What are you thinking so hard about?"
"Harry." She said it before she actually thought about it. She turned to her friend and asked abruptly, "Hermione, how do you know when you're in love?"
She was a bit taken aback by the question, but somewhere in her mind she'd been expecting it.
"I don't know Ginny." She answered softly. "I couldn't help you there."
Ginny just sighed and looked back at the fire.
"Ginny, is there something on your mind?" Hermione asked, placing a hand on hers.
"So many things Hermione." Ginny said, turning back to her. Hermione smiled at her.
"Well, you've got a good head on those shoulders. You'll do what's best I'm sure."
Ginny smiled back, "Thanks."
"How about some breakfast?" She stood, rubbing her hands together.
"In a minute. We're going down to Hogsmead, right?" Ginny asked, standing and stretching.
"Yeah, if the boys are willing to go out in the snow."
"They better be willing, I have a shopping crave like you wouldn't believe."
"Oh I can believe."
With a chuckle, the two headed out of the common room toward breakfast.
Just at that moment Harry and Ron made their way down stairs, and into the common room.
"What were you doing up so early?" Ron asked as he opened the portrait hole.
"Couldn't sleep." He answered simply.
"Couldn't sleep for the past few nights, more like." Ron said.
"Yeah, alright, I give." Harry said with a roll of his eyes.
"What's up? I mean, besides you late at night." Ron chuckled at his own joke.
"I don't know." He huffed.
"Sure you do."
"Fine, you caught me again." He chuckled a little. "Are you in love with Hermione?"
Ron tripped over his own feet and nearly fell face first on the cold stone floor.
"Uhh," Ron rubbed the back of his neck, and his ears turned slightly pink. Harry couldn't help but smirk.
"Uhh," Ron said again, "I-I don't know."
"Sure ya do." Harry smiled. Ron just blushed a little pinker as the boys walked into the great hall. Harry took Ron's color as: He had fallen in love with Hermione, but hadn't told her yet.
The girls were sitting in the middle of the table, laughing and enjoying themselves. Harry felt the flutter of happiness, or whatever it was, in his stomach again.
She looked up as he approached and smiled when he kissed her and sat down next to her. The four enjoyed the meal, as the dark clouds rolled over the grounds, ensuring more snow.
"So what do you want for Christmas?" Harry asked Ginny as they made their way down the stone steps to the carriages.
"Nothing, it's okay."
"You know he's going to get you something anyway." Hermione winked.
Ginny felt Harry slide his hands into hers and lace fingers. She smiled.
She was happy throughout the trip, enjoying herself with spending time with her friends.
So she hand no problem when Harry excused himself to the restroom when the four of them were in the Three Broomsticks.
Harry was making his way down the narrow hallway, back toward his table when he ran into Amy coming out of the ladies room.
"Sorry." He muttered, and then realized who it was. He'd seen Amy with Ginny a few times and had a few conversations with her.
"Oh hi Harry." She sounded rather breathy. "Who are you here with?"
"Just a few friends." He said.
"Oh." She took a sauntering step toward him, a devilish look flaring in her eyes. Harry took a step backward and found he hit a wall. His heart was beating hard against his ribs as she pressed herself to him. "Are you having fun with your friends Harry?"
He didn't say anything when she placed a hand on either side of his head.
"Listen Amy, I really have to get back."
"Oh, you'll get back." She head huskily, "Later." He could feel her breath on his lips and felt his stomach churn nastily. When she crushed her mouth to his he cringed, but not only in the unpleasantness of the kiss, but the guilt that washed over him, making him feel sick to his stomach. He finally got a hold of himself and pushed her away.
"Harry?" He felt his stomach, along with his heart; fall to his feet as he turned his head slowly to see Ginny standing at the end of the dark narrow hallway, her eyes brimming.
"Ginny, no. It isn't what it-" But he didn't get to finish his sentence as she turned and ran. He sprinted after her, back into the bar area. He just saw the swish of her cloak out the door as the cold wind whipped at his face. He turned to see Ron and Hermione frowning at him from the booth they were seated at. Ron raised his eyebrows.
Harry sprinted out into the cold, seeing a dark figure sprinting up the hills back toward Hogwarts.
"Ginny!" He called. She just continued to run, her red hair flowing out behind her. "Ginny!"
He ran after, the deep snow making him sluggish.
She heard her name being called, but ignored it. All she could hear was the breaking of her own heart. All she could feel was the hot tears blurring her vision, making her cheeks colder. There was an immense pain in her chest that was slowing her down.
She reached the great oak doors at last, and wrenched one open with a teary whimper. She wanted to slow down, to breathe, but the hurt kept her moving. Moving up the stairs, down the cold dark halls, toward Gryffindor Tower. That's when she heard him.
Her pain increased, as he got louder. She reached the portrait's landing, and tried to breathe normally.
"Ginny!" Harry huffed.
"Save it Harry." She said, her voice cracking, the pain in her chest making it harder to take a normal breath.
"No, you don't understand." Harry said, still breathing hard.
"I understand I saw you attached *by the lips* to my friend." She sobbed.
"No. She came on to me Ginny."
"I did not see you pushing her off." Her voice cracked and broke again.
"Ginny-" Harry pleaded, stepping forward.
"No, don't touch me." She stepped back.
It was slowly breaking his heart to see her crying like this. No, not crying, he thought, sobbing.
"Ginny."
"No." She said firmly.
Now seemed like a better time then ever, he thought. She turned and went into the empty common room. He, of course, followed.
"Ginny! Will you stop?"
She spun around again, her eyes red and puffy. She sniffed before she spoke again.
"I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I don't want anything to do with you!" More tears spilled, and pride was no longer an option.
There was a grueling pause.
"Ginny," She looked up at him, "I love you."
She when board stiff, her face blank. She didn't blink, she didn't move. She didn't even look like she was breathing.
Then she got herself back into place, back into focus.
"Go to hell." She said it with such malice; it was like the tears were never there. Her eyes were fire, shooting sharp stabs right at his heart. She spun around again, and slammed the girls' dormitory door.
And for the second time that year, the slamming of that door made him wince. But this time, it was a greater hurt that followed. A much greater hurt.
~*~
It was insane. Pure insanity. There was no way he could be in love, especially with Ginny Weasley. It was impossible. He'd never been shown love, so how could he know what it was? The Dursleys certainly never expressed it to him, or around him.
He rolled over in bed again, rumpling the sheets.
Harry had been arguing with himself over this matter for the past few weeks. Everything was fine with their relationship; there were no hitches. Well, no hitches he knew of, and Ginny was pretty open when she was upset.
Giving up on sleep he threw back his sheets and parted his curtains. He put on his glasses from the bedside table, and wandered over to the window. It was dark outside, and the moon was reflecting brightly off the lake. It had obviously been snowing the past few hours of the night, as it continued to thicken the white blanket that covered the grounds now. December winter had settled in.
Sighing, he rested his elbow on the window ledge and stared out at the night.
What was love anyway? He thought. He was never allowed to watch T.V at the Dursleys, so he'd never seen it. Books were a rare sight in that household, so he'd never read the symptoms of it. He knew so little of it, so how could he jump to such a ludicrous idea? A crazy feeling that wasn't often seen in the muggle world, much less the wizarding world. How was it possible, for Harry Potter to feel such a thing?
But the gut wrenching feeling he got when he saw her, touched her, or just looking into her eyes, had to have a name. This was far beyond a crush, he decided.
He groaned inwardly and rested his forehead in the palm of his hand. He took one deep breath, and looked out at the grounds again. Pink was mingling with orange in hints of sunrise on the edge of the mountains.
He'd figure out his own feelings before he told her, he decided. Then something struck him; he'd never doubted himself before, so why now? He'd taken so many chances before, most that could've killed him, but they were risks all the same. He was unsure then too, and that was life or death. This confusing feeling sure felt like life or death. Maybe taking a leap, and unsure one at that, and telling her he loved her would release the rock in his stomach that seemed to grow heavier the more time he spent with her. But he just didn't know. Death was a serious risk, and he's risked it so many times before, why couldn't he just risk his heart?
He knew why. Because if Ginny broke his heart, he'd have to live with the pain for the rest of his life.
When he'd risked his life, he'd only ended up with physical wounds. That is, except the hole Sirius had left in him. That would definitely stay with him forever, as would the wound Ginny could leave on him.
~*~
Little did Harry know, Ginny was up also, pondering the same thing.
She hadn't been able to sleep the past couple nights. Harry was constantly on her mind. She just couldn't shake the thought of him, and it was driving her nuts.
She moved away from the girls' dorm window where the sun was beginning to show signs of morning, and started to ruffle through her trunk for clothes. It was a Hogsmead Saturday, the first weekend of Christmas break, and she was planning to visit the village with Hermione, Ron and Harry.
She smiled at the thought of him. His untidy black hair, and his wonderful green eyes, just made her smile. She loved his adorable grin that he always had right before he kissed her. Licking her lips, she pulled her robes over her sweater and school uniform skirt. She tossed her cloak over her arm and left her fellow students to sleep the morning away.
She reached the bottom of the staircase and wandered into the common room, and smiled, as the fire was warmly burning in the hearth. Decided she wasn't quite hungry enough for breakfast and sat herself down in a chair.
It wasn't long before a few early risers started milling around the common room, Hermione among them.
Hermione saw Ginny staring into the fire, a small smirk on her face, and opted to join her.
"Morning Ginny. What are you thinking so hard about?"
"Harry." She said it before she actually thought about it. She turned to her friend and asked abruptly, "Hermione, how do you know when you're in love?"
She was a bit taken aback by the question, but somewhere in her mind she'd been expecting it.
"I don't know Ginny." She answered softly. "I couldn't help you there."
Ginny just sighed and looked back at the fire.
"Ginny, is there something on your mind?" Hermione asked, placing a hand on hers.
"So many things Hermione." Ginny said, turning back to her. Hermione smiled at her.
"Well, you've got a good head on those shoulders. You'll do what's best I'm sure."
Ginny smiled back, "Thanks."
"How about some breakfast?" She stood, rubbing her hands together.
"In a minute. We're going down to Hogsmead, right?" Ginny asked, standing and stretching.
"Yeah, if the boys are willing to go out in the snow."
"They better be willing, I have a shopping crave like you wouldn't believe."
"Oh I can believe."
With a chuckle, the two headed out of the common room toward breakfast.
Just at that moment Harry and Ron made their way down stairs, and into the common room.
"What were you doing up so early?" Ron asked as he opened the portrait hole.
"Couldn't sleep." He answered simply.
"Couldn't sleep for the past few nights, more like." Ron said.
"Yeah, alright, I give." Harry said with a roll of his eyes.
"What's up? I mean, besides you late at night." Ron chuckled at his own joke.
"I don't know." He huffed.
"Sure you do."
"Fine, you caught me again." He chuckled a little. "Are you in love with Hermione?"
Ron tripped over his own feet and nearly fell face first on the cold stone floor.
"Uhh," Ron rubbed the back of his neck, and his ears turned slightly pink. Harry couldn't help but smirk.
"Uhh," Ron said again, "I-I don't know."
"Sure ya do." Harry smiled. Ron just blushed a little pinker as the boys walked into the great hall. Harry took Ron's color as: He had fallen in love with Hermione, but hadn't told her yet.
The girls were sitting in the middle of the table, laughing and enjoying themselves. Harry felt the flutter of happiness, or whatever it was, in his stomach again.
She looked up as he approached and smiled when he kissed her and sat down next to her. The four enjoyed the meal, as the dark clouds rolled over the grounds, ensuring more snow.
"So what do you want for Christmas?" Harry asked Ginny as they made their way down the stone steps to the carriages.
"Nothing, it's okay."
"You know he's going to get you something anyway." Hermione winked.
Ginny felt Harry slide his hands into hers and lace fingers. She smiled.
She was happy throughout the trip, enjoying herself with spending time with her friends.
So she hand no problem when Harry excused himself to the restroom when the four of them were in the Three Broomsticks.
Harry was making his way down the narrow hallway, back toward his table when he ran into Amy coming out of the ladies room.
"Sorry." He muttered, and then realized who it was. He'd seen Amy with Ginny a few times and had a few conversations with her.
"Oh hi Harry." She sounded rather breathy. "Who are you here with?"
"Just a few friends." He said.
"Oh." She took a sauntering step toward him, a devilish look flaring in her eyes. Harry took a step backward and found he hit a wall. His heart was beating hard against his ribs as she pressed herself to him. "Are you having fun with your friends Harry?"
He didn't say anything when she placed a hand on either side of his head.
"Listen Amy, I really have to get back."
"Oh, you'll get back." She head huskily, "Later." He could feel her breath on his lips and felt his stomach churn nastily. When she crushed her mouth to his he cringed, but not only in the unpleasantness of the kiss, but the guilt that washed over him, making him feel sick to his stomach. He finally got a hold of himself and pushed her away.
"Harry?" He felt his stomach, along with his heart; fall to his feet as he turned his head slowly to see Ginny standing at the end of the dark narrow hallway, her eyes brimming.
"Ginny, no. It isn't what it-" But he didn't get to finish his sentence as she turned and ran. He sprinted after her, back into the bar area. He just saw the swish of her cloak out the door as the cold wind whipped at his face. He turned to see Ron and Hermione frowning at him from the booth they were seated at. Ron raised his eyebrows.
Harry sprinted out into the cold, seeing a dark figure sprinting up the hills back toward Hogwarts.
"Ginny!" He called. She just continued to run, her red hair flowing out behind her. "Ginny!"
He ran after, the deep snow making him sluggish.
She heard her name being called, but ignored it. All she could hear was the breaking of her own heart. All she could feel was the hot tears blurring her vision, making her cheeks colder. There was an immense pain in her chest that was slowing her down.
She reached the great oak doors at last, and wrenched one open with a teary whimper. She wanted to slow down, to breathe, but the hurt kept her moving. Moving up the stairs, down the cold dark halls, toward Gryffindor Tower. That's when she heard him.
Her pain increased, as he got louder. She reached the portrait's landing, and tried to breathe normally.
"Ginny!" Harry huffed.
"Save it Harry." She said, her voice cracking, the pain in her chest making it harder to take a normal breath.
"No, you don't understand." Harry said, still breathing hard.
"I understand I saw you attached *by the lips* to my friend." She sobbed.
"No. She came on to me Ginny."
"I did not see you pushing her off." Her voice cracked and broke again.
"Ginny-" Harry pleaded, stepping forward.
"No, don't touch me." She stepped back.
It was slowly breaking his heart to see her crying like this. No, not crying, he thought, sobbing.
"Ginny."
"No." She said firmly.
Now seemed like a better time then ever, he thought. She turned and went into the empty common room. He, of course, followed.
"Ginny! Will you stop?"
She spun around again, her eyes red and puffy. She sniffed before she spoke again.
"I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I don't want anything to do with you!" More tears spilled, and pride was no longer an option.
There was a grueling pause.
"Ginny," She looked up at him, "I love you."
She when board stiff, her face blank. She didn't blink, she didn't move. She didn't even look like she was breathing.
Then she got herself back into place, back into focus.
"Go to hell." She said it with such malice; it was like the tears were never there. Her eyes were fire, shooting sharp stabs right at his heart. She spun around again, and slammed the girls' dormitory door.
And for the second time that year, the slamming of that door made him wince. But this time, it was a greater hurt that followed. A much greater hurt.
~*~