Title: Lost In Darkness

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Genre: Angst/Drama

Rating: PG-13

AN: Thanks to Gabi, csifan2000, Lowenove (what's the romance part? Hope you're talking about Trip/T'Pol... hehehe *duck as T/R shipper throw rotten vegetables*), Exploded Pen, Reedie (schön, dass dir die Story so gut gefällt :) ), ally, KaliedescopeCat, Aeryn Lavanthia, The Libran Iniquity (we don't need action figures to mutilate, we got a little brother...harharhar *eg*. But the tea and biscuits part sounds good :). Just curious: What exactly happened to your Malcolm action figure? Did you melt it in the microwave or drown it in the bathtub or... ehem, never mind, just ignore us. And by the way, we're still waiting for those photographs *g*), Jaws, Orion9 (nice compliment, thank you. Glad you like our stories so much), cryogenie and wendy for reviewing.

They should give us a prize for the longest and most pointless author's notes on ff.net. But now we'll slowly back out of the room and leave you to enjoying Chapter 9 - and please r&r :).

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Chapter 9

Medical Log, Supplemental, Chief Medical Officer Phlox:

It is now three days ago that I have successfully completed the filtering of Lieutenant Reed's blood, and his condition has been improving ever since. After removing the substances from his system, I began administering medication at regular intervals to restore his metabolism and fight the aftereffects of the toxins he's been injected with. His body is responding well to the treatment and he even woke up a few times during the last three days, but as a side-effect of the sedatives he has never been fully lucid yet. I started backing down his medication yesterday, so he should be returning to full consciousness soon.

I have gained the impression, though, that Lieutenant Reed has suffered some kind of psychological trauma; during his waking periods he seemed quite agitated, but I cannot tell for sure what is causing this state of anxiety. Additionally I have noticed a certain restlessness in his sleep. He seems to be having nightmares.

Commander Tucker is recovering nicely from the operation, but I've decided to keep him here for another six or seven days of observation. He is still suffering from the aftereffects of hypothermia and malnutrition, but I trust that he'll be ready to be released from sickbay in one week at the most. Even so, he has not been talking to anyone about what happened to him and Mr. Reed, and I think it will be quite a while until he is physically and emotionally ready to return to full duties.

Trip turned over on his bio bed, trying to find a comfortable position. His eyes fell on the padd that was lying on the nightstand, and for a moment he considered picking it up and reading a few more chapters of that novel Jon had brought him yesterday, but then decided against it. Reading always triggered a dull pain behind his eyes, and if Phlox caught him with that padd again when he came back from mess hall later, he was sure to go off the deep end this time. The doctor's idea of "getting some rest" seemed to exclude any kind of activity except lying motionless on a bio bed staring at the ceiling, and while Trip was still feeling a little under the weather, he was getting kind of annoyed by the doctor's constant hovering. Besides, he didn't really want to read that book anyway. It was some sort of crime novel and while Trip usually liked these kind of stories, now he found it to be kind of silly. It seemed stupid, reading a two hundred pages about how exactly some detective found out who murdered a person who never really appeared in the story, and who, thinking about it, didn't even really exist.

Trip let out a small sigh, adjusting his pillow and rolling onto his back again. Turning his head, he looked over to the bio bed where Malcolm lay. The curtains were drawn half-way shut, and so he could only see part of the blanket Reed was covered with, but Trip didn't have to see him to know that he was still sleeping. Phlox had said Malcolm's condition was improving, but Trip hadn't really noticed any changes in the time since Phlox had moved Reed from the IC Unit to over here three days ago. Sure, he'd woken up a couple of times, but then he had not recognized any of his surroundings, talking in a fearful voice to people who weren't there. Phlox hadn't been able to make any sense of what he was saying, but Trip thought he had a pretty good idea of whom Malcolm was talking to.

At the moment, however, Malcolm seemed to be sleeping peacefully. This was kind of surprising, actually, for Reed had not been resting quietly these last few days, tossing and turning, sometimes talking in his sleep. Trip wished he were able to help him somehow, but the only thing he could think of was waking him up, and that didn't make much of a difference.

Turning his head, Trip looked back at the ceiling and sighed again. He found himself half-wishing that Phlox would return so he could watch him fuss around in sickbay feeding his various pets and creatures, which would definitely be more interesting than lying here counting the cracks in the ceiling.

Trip was just reaching out for the padd, deciding that maybe reading a few pages wasn't such a bad idea after all, when a sound from across the room made him stop in his tracks. Raising his eyes, he saw that Malcolm was moving restlessly on the bed again. Propping himself up on one elbow, Trip saw the blankets shift and a moment later he heard a small noise, something like a moan.

"No." Malcolm's voice sounded strained, as if he were having trouble breathing. "No, please... I can't..."

He fell silent, and Trip held his breath, listening, hoping the nightmare had vanished again. Reed was quiet for a few moments, and Trip was already about to lie back down when Malcolm began to talk anew.

"Please... please don't... I told you already, why can't you stop... please, no..."

There was a despair to Malcolm's voice that chilled Trip to the very core, and he got up. He couldn't stand listening to this, and even though it would probably be no use, he had to at least try and wake him up. The sickbay floor was cold under his bare feet as he crossed the short distance to Malcolm's bio bed, and as he pushed the curtain aside, he saw that Reed's hands were clenched to fists and there was a thin film of sweat on his pale face. Just as Trip watched, Malcolm began to turn his head from side to side, grimacing as if he were in pain.

"No, don't do that," he whispered hoarsely, "please, don't do that-"

Trip grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Malcolm!" he said, hearing some of that despair creep into his own voice. "Malcolm, wake up!"

"No!" Malcolm tried to pull away from his touch, but Trip tightened his grip on Reed's shoulders, shaking him a little.

"Come on, wake up!"

Malcolm's eyes flew open, and Trip saw the terror there. Reed's breathing was coming in short, ragged gasps, and again he tried to free himself, shaking his head.

"No... what..."

"Malcolm!" Releasing Reed's shoulders, Trip put a hand over one of Malcolm's clenched fists. "It's okay. It's me, Trip. No one's tryin' to hurt you."

Slowly, Reed's breathing quieted down, and he blinked a few times. When he opened his eyes again, the wild look in them was gone, and he gradually seemed to become aware of his surroundings, his eyes coming to rest on Trip.

"What..."

Trip smiled down at him, feeling something like excitement at the very back of his mind as he realized that Malcolm was actually looking at him, apparently aware of his presence.

"It's alright, Malcolm. Everything's okay. It was just a dream."

Reed blinked again, and his eyebrows drew together in confusion. "Trip?"

"Yes, it's me."

Malcolm swallowed a few times, his frown deepening. "How... how did I get to be here?"

Trip took a seat on the edge of the bed. "They found us. Enterprise got back to V'nera five days early, and they found us just in time."

Reed shook his head. "I... I can't remember... how long ago was that?"

"A few days." Trip noticed that Malcolm's eyes still had a slightly hazy look to them, but he seemed to have no problems understanding what Trip was telling him. It was strange, sitting here having this conversation. During these last few days, Reed had shown no sign of being aware of anything that was going on around him, and Trip had begun to doubt he would ever return to the world of the living again.

Even so, Malcolm still seemed to have a little trouble focusing, and as Trip was watching he saw him grimace ever so slightly.

"How d'you feel?" he asked and Reed blinked again, as if trying to clear his thoughts.

"Thirsty," he said then, and Trip smiled a little.

"Wait a minute," he said, getting up from the bio bed. "I'll get you somethin'."

When he returned, carrying a glass of water, he saw that Reed was trying to sit up, awkwardly propping himself up on one elbow. Coming up beside the bed, Trip put his hand to Reed's back, supporting him, and helped him guide the glass to his lips. Closing his eyes, Reed took a few careful sips. Trip noticed that Malcolm seemed to have trouble swallowing and remembered the occasion a few days ago when he himself had for the first time been allowed to eat some soup after days of intravenous feeding. The hot liquid had made his sore throat burn, and he'd only eaten half of it, feeling rather sick afterwards.

After he'd taken a few more sips, Malcolm seemed to have had enough, and Trip put the glass down on the nightstand, helping Reed lie back down on the bio bed again.

"Feelin' better now?" he asked, sitting back down on the edge of the bed.

Reed nodded, closing his eyes again. "Thanks." He let out a deep breath. "God, I'm tired."

Trip studied his weary features, noticing the dark areas under Malcolm's eyes. Up close, Reed looked even worse, his face pale and waxy, his cheeks hollow and sunken in.

He looks ill, Trip thought, feeling a surge of compassion. No, not ill. He looks wasted.

Straightening the blankets, he smiled at Malcolm who had opened his eyes again. "Well, why don't you go back to sleep. I'll tell Phlox you woke up."

Malcolm looked away. "No, I think I'd rather stay awake for a while."

Noting a tense undertone in Reed's voice, Trip frowned. "What is it?"

"I... " Malcolm hesitated. "I don't want to go to sleep. It... it keeps coming back..."

"What keeps comin' back?"

Malcolm swallowed. "When I dream... I'm back in that... that place..."

Now there was barely controlled fear in Malcolm's voice, and Trip found himself feeling a little helpless. He realized there was no way for Malcolm to escape these memories, and again wished he could do something to help his friend. Shifting slightly on the edge of the bed, Trip closed his fingers over Malcolm's hand. Reed's skin felt cold to his touch.

"Would it help if I stayed?" he asked quietly. Malcolm turned his head to look at him, and something like gratitude shone in his eyes as he answered.

"If you... if you don't mind," he said, sounding a little embarrassed. Trip nodded, squeezing Malcolm's hand a little.

"That's alright," he said. "I'll stay."

He watched as Malcolm closed his eyes again, shifting to find a more comfortable position. After a while, Malcolm's features began to relax and his breathing quieted down. Trip watched him closely, half expecting that the nightmares would return, but Malcolm slept on peacefully, never once moving or making a sound.

Trip had been sitting there for quite some time when he heard the sickbay doors swish open and footsteps coming nearer. A moment later the curtain was being pushed aside, and Phlox appeared, raising his eyebrows in surprise as he saw Trip sitting there.

"Commander?" he asked, and was just about to continue, probably preparing to launch into another lecture on how important it was for patients to stay in bed, when Trip interrupted him.

"He woke up again."

Phlox checked the monitor above Reed's head, then glanced at Trip.

"Was there any sign of recognition when he saw you?"

Trip smiled a little. "I'd say so. I talked to him for quite a while before he fell asleep again."

Phlox blinked. "Really?" he said, looking down at Malcolm who was resting quietly. "Well, that's good news, isn't it?" He gave Trip a slight smile, then set himself to the task of changing the dropper bottle on the drip beside Malcolm's bed. "Did he still seem that agitated when he spoke to you?"

"No, not really. He was havin' those nightmares again, and so I woke him up. At first he didn't know where he was, but then he calmed down and I was able to talk to him a little. He drank some water, too."

"The Captain will be glad to hear that." Phlox finished hooking up the new bottle, then turned back to Trip. "Well, Commander, all the same I must insist that you go back to bed now. We don't want you to catch a cold, hm?"

Trip shook his head. "I'd rather stay here, doc. Malcolm asked me to and I think he's not dreamin' as much when there's somebody with him."

Instead of starting another argument like Trip had expected him to, Phlox only raised his eyebrows and walked over to one of the cupboards, pulling out a blanket.

"Here," he said, handing it to Trip, "take this. We are only just recovering from hypothermia, remember?"

"Never noticed you sufferin' from hypothermia, doc," Trip muttered, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.

"Excuse me?"

Trip shook his head. "Nothin'."

Phlox took another glance at the monitor above Malcolm's bed. "Very well, Commander. You'll have to excuse me now, I still got some work to do in the science lab. Don't stay up for too long, though, hm? You mustn't exhaust yourself."

"Alright, doctor," Trip said, holding back a sigh. Phlox nodded in satisfaction, gathering up a few padds.

"Well, I trust you won't. I'll be off, then."

Trip watched as the sickbay doors slid shut behind him, then turned back to Malcolm, who was still fast asleep. For a moment something like a frown crossed Reed's face, and he turned his head to one side, shifting slightly. Trip took his hand again.

"It's alright, Malcolm," he said. "I won't go away."

And he stayed.

-###-

"Trip?"

Reed's quiet voice startled him out of his thoughts, and Trip raised his head. Malcolm had been sleeping soundly for several hours now, without any sign of the restless tossing and turning that had accompanied his sleeping periods before. Even though Trip had almost nodded off a few times himself, he had never once left Malcolm's side while Reed had been resting, sitting where he was now, trying to ignore the dull ache that was building in the small of his back.

"Sleep well?" he asked, smiling a little. Reed briefly closed his eyes and opened them again, obviously trying to blink off the last remnants of slumber.

"You were here all the time?" he asked. "How long was I asleep?" he added as an afterthought. Trip shifted a little on the bed.

"Oh... quite some time. How're you feelin'?"

Reed stifled a yawn. "Better. Headache's gone." He let his eyes wander across the room. "Where's Phlox?"

"He's been here coupla times, but he's got work to do in the science lab." Trip sighed. "And I hope he stays there for a while. When he's here, he's always badgerin' me to get back to bed."

Reed smiled a little. "Thanks for staying, Trip." He paused. "How are you feeling, by the way?"

Trip shrugged. "I'm alright. Doc says I'm recoverin' nicely."

There was silence for a while. Trip found that he still felt strange, sitting here talking to Malcolm, joking about Phlox' lectures as if there'd never been a time when he'd thought his friend to be dead, when he'd thought he himself would die in only a few hours. He remembered how he'd felt down there on that planet, walking through the snowstorm, the weight of Malcolm's body making his every step an effort of its own. Deep down in his mind he had known they had no chance of survival, but he'd walked on anyway. Maybe it had only been some crazy part of him that had kept him going down there, a part of his mind which had refused to accept that they had no chance, that Malcolm had no chance, but whatever it had been, Trip was glad for it. Maybe it had made a difference, after all.

And Malcolm had done the same thing for him. For some reason he'd decided to let these people do this to him, and Trip could only guess what Reed had gone through after the guard had taken him, Trip, back to that cell. Trip had been sure he would never even see Malcolm again. And now they were sitting here, talking to each other like none of it had ever happened.

"Malcolm..." he began hesitantly, "can I ask you somethin'?"

Malcolm met his eyes. "Sure," he said, and Trip paused for a moment, trying to find the right words.

"Do you... do you remember, back in that place, when you told them you... when you agreed to cooperate?"

Malcolm was watching him with a rather wary expression in his eyes, as if he was afraid of what Trip might be saying next. Trip continued.

"Why... why did you do this?"

Reed turned his head away, but Trip saw a flicker of pain in his eyes before he averted his face. Malcolm gave no answer, simply shaking his head, and Trip put a hand on his arm.

"Malcolm. We need to talk about this. Why did you do this?"

"Trip... " Malcolm's voice cracked. "I can't... I can't talk about that now."

Trip knew it would probably be better to just leave it alone for the moment, but at the same time realized that these were things that needed to be said, and soon. For if they were to continue to act like nothing had happened, both of them trying to push it all away, the situation would only get worse and worse until there would be nothing left but a great silence between them. And he couldn't let that happen.

"We have to talk about it," he repeated, and felt the muscles in Reed's arm tense. Malcolm shook his head again.

"No, Trip, I can't. Not now-"

"Malcolm." Trip didn't let go of him even as Reed tried to pull away. "I know it's hard, but... if we don't talk about it now, it'll only get harder with every day. I need to know what happened. Why did you agree to cooperate, why did you-"

"I heard you screaming."

The words startled Trip into silence. He stared at Malcolm who had turned his head and was now looking at him again. In the light of the ceiling lamps Reed's eyes seemed overly bright as he continued.

"It was shortly after they'd taken me to that other cell... it was very close to the room where they... to that interrogation room. I heard you. While they were... you were screaming all the time, and I heard you."

Reed closed his eyes, and Trip sat there on the edge of the bed, frozen with shock. The memories he'd been desperately avoiding all this time came back full force, and he remembered the pain, that terrible agony and the feeling of being completely alone-

"It was... " Reed's voice was barely audible as he continued. "I just couldn't stand it, I just couldn't. The screaming... it just didn't stop and then I remembered..."

He broke off and Trip raised his head. "What did you remember?"

Malcolm opened his eyes again, looking at Trip as if he was only just now becoming aware of his presence. Then he shook his head.

"Nothing."

Trip saw the pain in his eyes and realized that there was something more to this, something that had made the situation so unbearable to Malcolm that it had finally broken him in the end. Tightening his grip on Reed's arm, Trip swallowed.

"What is it, Malcolm?" he asked hoarsely. "What did you remember?"

Reed averted his eyes, but Trip saw the tears in them all the same. "Don't ask, Trip, okay?" he whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke. "Don't ask me this, I... I can't handle that right now. It's just that... many years ago, there was someone I should have helped but didn't... I couldn't. When I... when I heard you screaming, I knew I just couldn't let it happen again."

Trip felt tears rise in his eyes, and without thinking about it, he pulled Malcolm into a hug, holding him tightly as Reed buried his face in his shoulder, sobbing in utter defeat. Tears were streaming down his own cheeks now as well, but Trip made no move to wipe them off, rocking Malcolm in his arms.

"We made it," he whispered. "You hear me? We made it."

Between the sobs that were racking his body, Trip felt Malcolm nod against his shoulder and pulled him closer.

"It's over." Trip kept speaking in a calming tone, feeling Malcolm's body slowly relax against his own. "It's all over, no one's gonna hurt you here. We're safe."

Trip listened to his own words echo in his ears and savoured the feeling of knowing that they were actually true. They were safe. They had made it. And Malcolm was not dead.

"I'm so glad you survived... down on that planet, I thought you were dead, you weren't breathin' anymore and I thought you had died, out there in the snow..."

He felt Reed stir in his arms, and as he carefully let go of him, he saw that Malcolm's tears were subsiding. Reed sat back a little, wiping his cheeks, and Trip leaned forward, picking up a box of kleenex from the nightstand.

"Here," he said, handing one of the tissues to Malcolm. Reed palmed away another tear, then took the kleenex from Trip and blew his nose rather noisily.

"Sorry," he mumbled, reaching out to get himself another tissue. "I didn't mean to..."

"That's okay," Trip said quickly. There was a moment of silence, and Trip lowered his eyes, looking down at the box of kleenex in his hands, trying to get his upset feelings under control again. He felt kind of embarrassed; when he'd insisted on having this talk his intention had been to give Malcolm a chance to talk about what was troubling him and not to add to his distress by falling to pieces like that. These last few days however he'd often found himself on the verge of tears at the most irrelevant of occasions, and now that he had finally given in to the urge to let it all come out, Trip realized that he was actually feeling better.

"Trip?"

He raised his head and saw Malcolm looking at him, his eyebrows drawn together in a slight frown.

"You said something about being out there in the snow. What..."

Trip sighed. "Yeah, well. You haven't heard about that yet, I forgot." He hesitated. "It's not a very nice story, you know."

"Tell me anyway."

Absentmindedly, Trip pulled another kleenex from the box, plucking it apart as he spoke.

"When... when the tests were over, that guard brought you to my cell, tellin' me to follow him. He said they'd ordered him to kill us, but he wouldn't do it... I don't know why. He took me outside, and there was nothin' but snow and ice all around, and it was gettin' dark. He told me to take you and try to reach a town he said was there... but there was no town. I... I tried to get as far as I could, but at some point I... I simply couldn't go on."

Trip looked up and saw Malcolm watching him, his eyes wide. "You know, it was so cold, and I felt like I was losin' my mind, and then you stopped breathin' and I... I..."

Trip averted his eyes, clenching his fists around the torn-up remains of the tissue, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were rising in his throat again. Damn, would there ever be a time when he would be able to stop crying about this whole rotten business?

He felt a warm hand coming to rest on his shoulder. Turning his head, he met Malcolm's eyes and saw a silent understanding in them that helped him get a grip on himself.

"Trip," Reed said quietly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke my promise, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of this..."

"Me?" Trip let out a small, humourless laugh. "I'm not the one havin' nightmares."

Malcolm looked away. Trip saw the muscles in his jaw work and remembered the helpless fear in Reed's voice as he'd been talking in his sleep earlier. He couldn't begin to imagine what kind of memories it were that were haunting his friend, and while part of him didn't really want to know, either, he felt he had to ask anyway.

"Malcolm..." he began hesitantly, "d'you want to talk about what happened? You know, after... after you said you'd cooperate?"

Malcolm turned his head but didn't look at him, staring down at his hands. For a moment, Trip saw a flicker of something cross Malcolm's face, something like shock or just plain terror, but when he met Trip's eyes again, his features were expressionless.

"I don't remember," he said, and there was something final to his tone so that Trip didn't ask any further. It was clear that Malcolm wasn't willing to talk about that now, and Trip had a feeling that he wouldn't be anytime soon. Maybe never.

After a while, Trip spoke up again. "You know, Jon told me earlier we're leavin' orbit today," he said. "He says it's no use lookin' any further. T'Pol took a million scans of that planet over the last few days, and Jon and Travis even went down with a shuttle coupla times. But they couldn't find anything."

"They can't find them?" Reed asked. There was something strange to his tone, something more like weariness rather than surprise, and Trip turned his head, looking at him. Malcolm's face was still as expressionless as it had been before.

"No," Trip said. "They're not there."

Malcolm gave a small sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. "Maybe that's just as well."

Trip frowned, but as he saw the exhausted look on Reed's face, he decided not to pursue the matter at the moment. Malcolm had been with these people for quite some time, and maybe he'd seen things that would shed some light on why they weren't able to find anything down there, but Trip would be damned if he was going to bother Malcolm with these questions now.

Watching Reed lie back down on his pillow, Trip noticed that he was still holding the crumpled-up remains of the kleenex in his hand. By now, they had almost dissolved in his palm and were soaked with sweat. Shoving them into his pajama pocket, Trip bent down and retrieved his blanket that had fallen to the floor earlier. Wrapping it around his shoulders, he glanced back at Malcolm and noticed that Reed was barely able to keep his eyes open anymore.

"Go on back to sleep," he said, smiling a little. "Doc'll have my head if he sees that I'm still keepin' you awake."

Malcolm half-opened his eyes again, and Trip closed his fingers around Reed's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll stay here till you're asleep."

Reed opened his mouth to protest, but Trip simply shook his head, and Malcolm, obviously too weary to argue, settled back down on the pillow, closing his eyes again.

It took Malcolm only a few minutes to fall asleep, but all the same Trip stayed for another half an hour until he was absolutely sure that this time Reed's sleep wouldn't be disturbed by any nightmares. Then he carefully slid off the bio bed, pushing the curtains back into place before he returned to his own bed. He hadn't really noticed just how tired he was until he lay down, but when he rested his head on his pillow, he felt his eyes droop almost immediately.

A few moments later he'd slipped into a deep slumber, sleeping soundly and peacefully for the first time since Enterprise had found them on that planet almost a week ago.

--

Epilogue soon to come up!

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