Samantha Spade POV:
FBI Building
March 11, 2004
8:05 a.m.
I head down the hall towards my cubicle and take a seat at my desk. I chew nervously on my lower lip, not ready to face Jack just yet.
What if he never finds it in his heart to forgive me for miscarrying our child? I know he doesn't seem as though he's mad, but I can feel his disappointment when he looks at me.
"Hey, Samantha." I glance back to see Danny with a cup of coffee in his hands.
"Did you get me some?"
"Have this," he offers with a smile. I eye it to make sure he hasn't laced it with too much sugar or drenched it in creamer.
"Thanks," I answer softly, trying to put on a happy face at work. I feel like hell, but I don't need to bring the rest of the office down with me.
"You feeling any better?" I see Martin making his way on over. "I heard you were sick with the stomach flu."
"Yeah," I eye Danny and he shrugs in response.
"Sam, can I have a word with you?" I let out a breath, dreading the steps I take towards Jack's office.
When I finally step through the entrance, I avoid sitting down. I want to be able to leave and not feel what I used to feel when I was in his presence.
He shuts the door and I let out a nervous breath, silently pleading that he doesn't make this weird between us by telling me he's still in love with me. I love him but I can't do this right now—not after losing a baby and knowing that his family hates me.
"Lisa is free for the next hour and a half. She's anticipating you'll stop by."
"I have work here that needs my attention."
"You're not going into the field until I know you're fit for duty."
"Jack," I eye him sternly.
"Go talk to her. When you're done, I'll let you work in the field."
I roll my eyes and let out a sigh, heading for the door. "I'm doing this to help you. I hope you know that."
"I don't need your help," I retort, slamming the door on my way out.
I head towards the elevator and angrily slam the button.
"Samantha?" I hear Vivian's voice and glance back to see her approaching. "Is everything all right?"
"Fine," I seethe between my teeth and head into the elevator. I quickly hit the 'close door' button and then hit the floor I want. I let out a sigh of relief, as the elevator descends.
I knock briefly on Lisa's door before going inside.
"Take a seat," she tells me and I let out a sigh, glancing around the room. I really don't want to be here, and I feel as though I'd do anything to get out of it. Maybe some kind of break on the latest case will bring Jack to rescue me from this torture.
I clasp my hands together, trying not to show how uncomfortable I am.
"I heard you were out sick yesterday?"
"Did Jack tell you that?" I eye her intently.
"He's concerned about you. You want to tell me why?"
"He's overbearing and overprotective," I answer.
"He is?" she questions. "Can you explain what you mean?"
I let out an annoyed breath and answer, "Forget it."
"Okay, why don't we talk about what's bothering you."
"I lost the baby."
"I'm sorry," she eyes me with an empathetic gaze. "Do they know what happened?"
"I was sick; they think that was the cause. I've been stressed out lately too, and that didn't help. It doesn't matter. I'm not cut out to be a mother."
"Why do you say that?"
"It's the truth," I answer her plainly.
"What about your boyfriend's children? Won't you be a mother to them?"
"We broke up," I answer.
"Why?"
"I can't deal with them hating me and all this," I gesture wildly with my hands. "It's too much," I whisper, trying to keep my emotions from becoming overly visible.
"Samantha, let's talk about these feelings that you're having—about them hating you."
"They do," I answer eyeing her. "I thought I could deal with it. I wanted to, but now," I shake my head no, "it's not worth it."
"What's not worth it?" she questions.
"Being a mother to someone else's children because you can't have your own."
"Samantha, these feelings of loss and frustration are normal after having a miscarriage."
"I know," I nod. "I just wish things would be easier. I mean it's not like we can go public with our relationship. There are consequences if we do." I let out a soft breath. "I guess it's better we ended it."
"Do you love him?" she eyes me.
"What kind of question is that?" I retort, surprised by her forwardness.
"A simple one," Lisa muses. "Let's try a different approach: how do you feel about him?"
"He drives me crazy," I pause, "but it's because he's looking out for my best interest."
"What else?"
"He means the world to me and I don't want to hurt him but—"
"What?" she eyes me as she tries to hold my gaze.
"It's inevitable."
"What is?" she questions.
"Breaking up," I answer.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"It's the truth," I respond with a sigh and relax into the chair. "His kids hate me and eventually he'll have to choose. I know who he'll choose, so I'm saving him the trouble."
"You weren't concerned before you lost the baby," Lisa points out. "Why has that now changed?"
"It hasn't. I tried running away, but I guess I couldn't get very far," I laugh softly. "I hoped the baby would bring us together, and that's why I came home. Jack—," I pause, realizing I've said his name and hoping Lisa will keep it confidential. "He wanted to be in the baby's life and we figured we'd work things out."
"And now that you've lost the baby?"
"There's nothing keeping us together." My eyes meet hers. "I do love him; I just want what's best for him."
"Have you talked with him?"
"I—," a soft puff of air escapes my lungs and I close my eyes momentarily. "I wish I could," I answer, glancing her way. "There are a lot of things I talk to him about, but this one—," I shake my head, "it just stirs up all these memories and some of them I'm not ready to deal with."
"What do you mean, Samantha?"
"I see the way he looks at me and it reminds me of what we had. Talking to him about losing the baby only makes me wish I never knew," I laugh darkly. "At least then it wouldn't have hurt this much."
Lisa scribbles a few things down before catching my gaze. "Who do you consider as your support group?"
"My friends, the people I work with mostly."
"Have you told them about your loss?"
"Only one of them."
"It's good to be able to confide in other people and I hope you realize Jack is likely feeling some of the same frustrations and thoughts that you are. It would help to talk with him too—even if it's as a friend."
"I know," I let out a sigh and stare at my hands. "When I see him, though, it just reminds me how much I wanted the baby and how much it hurt to lose it."
"It's okay to grieve," Lisa tells me. "In fact, some people find writing in a journal helpful." I laugh softly at the thought. "No one else has to read it," she reminds me.
"Yeah," I nod glancing towards the clock.
"Is there something else you do to unwind or relax?"
"A bubble bath."
She nods with a smile. "What else?"
"I don't know," I pause, thinking about her question. "I don't have a lot of spare time with my job."
"What do you do when you get stressed out? I know the work can be excruciating and painful."
"A lot of the time I'd go to Jack and he'd help keep my mind off—," I laugh softly, realizing what I've said and remembering what we'd do.
She nods her head, "So he was your emotional support?"
"Yes," I answer.
"And now?"
"He's still there, but I don't feel like I can go to him."
"What about any other friends you have?"
"Danny?" I question. "I talk to him sometimes. It's different, though."
"How so?"
"It just is." I pause with a sigh. "We have a brother-sister kind of relationship." I glance towards the clock. "I should be heading back to the office."
"Okay." She shuts the pages and grabs her schedule book. "I have you down for tomorrow."
"Can we reschedule for Monday?"
Lisa lets out a soft sigh and nods. "Monday morning or evening?"
"Evening," I answer, not wanting to come here during the day and lose valuable work time.
"Six sound good?"
"Yeah," I nod heading out the door and up to the office.
FBI Building
March 11, 2004
8:05 a.m.
I head down the hall towards my cubicle and take a seat at my desk. I chew nervously on my lower lip, not ready to face Jack just yet.
What if he never finds it in his heart to forgive me for miscarrying our child? I know he doesn't seem as though he's mad, but I can feel his disappointment when he looks at me.
"Hey, Samantha." I glance back to see Danny with a cup of coffee in his hands.
"Did you get me some?"
"Have this," he offers with a smile. I eye it to make sure he hasn't laced it with too much sugar or drenched it in creamer.
"Thanks," I answer softly, trying to put on a happy face at work. I feel like hell, but I don't need to bring the rest of the office down with me.
"You feeling any better?" I see Martin making his way on over. "I heard you were sick with the stomach flu."
"Yeah," I eye Danny and he shrugs in response.
"Sam, can I have a word with you?" I let out a breath, dreading the steps I take towards Jack's office.
When I finally step through the entrance, I avoid sitting down. I want to be able to leave and not feel what I used to feel when I was in his presence.
He shuts the door and I let out a nervous breath, silently pleading that he doesn't make this weird between us by telling me he's still in love with me. I love him but I can't do this right now—not after losing a baby and knowing that his family hates me.
"Lisa is free for the next hour and a half. She's anticipating you'll stop by."
"I have work here that needs my attention."
"You're not going into the field until I know you're fit for duty."
"Jack," I eye him sternly.
"Go talk to her. When you're done, I'll let you work in the field."
I roll my eyes and let out a sigh, heading for the door. "I'm doing this to help you. I hope you know that."
"I don't need your help," I retort, slamming the door on my way out.
I head towards the elevator and angrily slam the button.
"Samantha?" I hear Vivian's voice and glance back to see her approaching. "Is everything all right?"
"Fine," I seethe between my teeth and head into the elevator. I quickly hit the 'close door' button and then hit the floor I want. I let out a sigh of relief, as the elevator descends.
I knock briefly on Lisa's door before going inside.
"Take a seat," she tells me and I let out a sigh, glancing around the room. I really don't want to be here, and I feel as though I'd do anything to get out of it. Maybe some kind of break on the latest case will bring Jack to rescue me from this torture.
I clasp my hands together, trying not to show how uncomfortable I am.
"I heard you were out sick yesterday?"
"Did Jack tell you that?" I eye her intently.
"He's concerned about you. You want to tell me why?"
"He's overbearing and overprotective," I answer.
"He is?" she questions. "Can you explain what you mean?"
I let out an annoyed breath and answer, "Forget it."
"Okay, why don't we talk about what's bothering you."
"I lost the baby."
"I'm sorry," she eyes me with an empathetic gaze. "Do they know what happened?"
"I was sick; they think that was the cause. I've been stressed out lately too, and that didn't help. It doesn't matter. I'm not cut out to be a mother."
"Why do you say that?"
"It's the truth," I answer her plainly.
"What about your boyfriend's children? Won't you be a mother to them?"
"We broke up," I answer.
"Why?"
"I can't deal with them hating me and all this," I gesture wildly with my hands. "It's too much," I whisper, trying to keep my emotions from becoming overly visible.
"Samantha, let's talk about these feelings that you're having—about them hating you."
"They do," I answer eyeing her. "I thought I could deal with it. I wanted to, but now," I shake my head no, "it's not worth it."
"What's not worth it?" she questions.
"Being a mother to someone else's children because you can't have your own."
"Samantha, these feelings of loss and frustration are normal after having a miscarriage."
"I know," I nod. "I just wish things would be easier. I mean it's not like we can go public with our relationship. There are consequences if we do." I let out a soft breath. "I guess it's better we ended it."
"Do you love him?" she eyes me.
"What kind of question is that?" I retort, surprised by her forwardness.
"A simple one," Lisa muses. "Let's try a different approach: how do you feel about him?"
"He drives me crazy," I pause, "but it's because he's looking out for my best interest."
"What else?"
"He means the world to me and I don't want to hurt him but—"
"What?" she eyes me as she tries to hold my gaze.
"It's inevitable."
"What is?" she questions.
"Breaking up," I answer.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"It's the truth," I respond with a sigh and relax into the chair. "His kids hate me and eventually he'll have to choose. I know who he'll choose, so I'm saving him the trouble."
"You weren't concerned before you lost the baby," Lisa points out. "Why has that now changed?"
"It hasn't. I tried running away, but I guess I couldn't get very far," I laugh softly. "I hoped the baby would bring us together, and that's why I came home. Jack—," I pause, realizing I've said his name and hoping Lisa will keep it confidential. "He wanted to be in the baby's life and we figured we'd work things out."
"And now that you've lost the baby?"
"There's nothing keeping us together." My eyes meet hers. "I do love him; I just want what's best for him."
"Have you talked with him?"
"I—," a soft puff of air escapes my lungs and I close my eyes momentarily. "I wish I could," I answer, glancing her way. "There are a lot of things I talk to him about, but this one—," I shake my head, "it just stirs up all these memories and some of them I'm not ready to deal with."
"What do you mean, Samantha?"
"I see the way he looks at me and it reminds me of what we had. Talking to him about losing the baby only makes me wish I never knew," I laugh darkly. "At least then it wouldn't have hurt this much."
Lisa scribbles a few things down before catching my gaze. "Who do you consider as your support group?"
"My friends, the people I work with mostly."
"Have you told them about your loss?"
"Only one of them."
"It's good to be able to confide in other people and I hope you realize Jack is likely feeling some of the same frustrations and thoughts that you are. It would help to talk with him too—even if it's as a friend."
"I know," I let out a sigh and stare at my hands. "When I see him, though, it just reminds me how much I wanted the baby and how much it hurt to lose it."
"It's okay to grieve," Lisa tells me. "In fact, some people find writing in a journal helpful." I laugh softly at the thought. "No one else has to read it," she reminds me.
"Yeah," I nod glancing towards the clock.
"Is there something else you do to unwind or relax?"
"A bubble bath."
She nods with a smile. "What else?"
"I don't know," I pause, thinking about her question. "I don't have a lot of spare time with my job."
"What do you do when you get stressed out? I know the work can be excruciating and painful."
"A lot of the time I'd go to Jack and he'd help keep my mind off—," I laugh softly, realizing what I've said and remembering what we'd do.
She nods her head, "So he was your emotional support?"
"Yes," I answer.
"And now?"
"He's still there, but I don't feel like I can go to him."
"What about any other friends you have?"
"Danny?" I question. "I talk to him sometimes. It's different, though."
"How so?"
"It just is." I pause with a sigh. "We have a brother-sister kind of relationship." I glance towards the clock. "I should be heading back to the office."
"Okay." She shuts the pages and grabs her schedule book. "I have you down for tomorrow."
"Can we reschedule for Monday?"
Lisa lets out a soft sigh and nods. "Monday morning or evening?"
"Evening," I answer, not wanting to come here during the day and lose valuable work time.
"Six sound good?"
"Yeah," I nod heading out the door and up to the office.