Samantha Spade POV:
Samantha Spade Residence
March 12, 2004 8:07 p.m.
I unlock the front door, slightly disappointed from today's events. We did manage to find our missing person, but unfortunately it was too late.
Her body was dumped, along with a note that made it appear as a suicide. It didn't add up—her car was left at the airport, she was missing for several days, and there was a suicide note. Whoever was involved wanted it to look staged, but they just didn't know what they were doing.
We couldn't figure out the pieces of the puzzle, and to me it still doesn't make much sense. If she was running away to save herself, why didn't she leave the city? Was she trying to keep in touch with her family and did that get her killed? Maybe she couldn't part with her life and her child?
I let out a sigh, falling into the couch and closing my eyes. I feel worn and exhausted. Danny and I stopped for dinner before I came home, so at least I ate something reasonable.
I still don't have much of an appetite and I sigh as I glance toward the clock. So much for meeting Kellar—even if I wanted to. I doubt he'd still be at the bar.
I sigh and grab the remote with, flipping the television on and surfing through the channels.
I hear someone knocking at the door and let out a soft breath. Is it Kellar trying to find out why I never showed up? Maybe it's Jack with his children. I shake my head, dismissing the thought. I love him but I need some time away. I need some space from 'us' to get my feelings and emotions back in order. I need to know where I stand before I can determine where 'we' stand—if there will even be a 'we' again.
"Coming," I answer with a sigh, pattering towards the door and pulling it back with a surprised look on my face. "What are you doing here?" I question, glancing towards Maria.
"I heard about the miscarriage," she bites down on her lower lip. "I wanted to bring you flowers," she offers, handing me the small bouquet. It feels slightly odd—receiving flowers let alone anything from the woman whose husband I slept with.
"Thanks," I answer, carrying them into the kitchen and pulling out a vase to put them in.
"I know what you're going through."
I glance back over my shoulder with a sigh. "I'm fine, really."
"I kept telling myself the same thing. Jack hasn't said much to me, but I saw him this evening when he picked up the girls. He looks lost without you." Her eyes meet mine and I don't know what to say.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I answer, turning my back as I open the bouquet and run the tap water. I cut the stems before putting them in the vase.
I feel her hand on my shoulder and my body freezes from her touch.
"You don't have to confide in me, but don't leave Jack in the dark. It's the mistake I made, Samantha. That's what tore our family apart." I turn to face her, surprised by her honesty.
"You had a miscarriage?"
She nods with a sigh. "I never told him about it. I didn't want to worry him and instead I put a wedge between us. It wasn't intentional, but things never got better after that. If you don't talk about it, the pain will stay with you for a long time."
"I know," I sigh. "I had a miscarriage when I was younger. This isn't anything new," I shrug, trying to lessen the pain and the situation.
"I know we have our differences, but if you trust Jack, confide in him, or things may never be the same again."
"Thanks," I smile politely.
"I should be going." She heads towards the door.
"Thank you for the flowers."
"No problem. Take it easy," she offers before shutting the door and heading down to her car.
I fall onto the couch with a sigh. Do I take her advice? I do want to confide in someone, and the therapist just doesn't feel right. I don't want to bother Jack, though; he has two girls who need his attention.
I could always call Danny, but he has a life of his own. I don't feel like I should be bringing everyone down with me.
I grab my jacket and keys and head for my car. I don't know where I'm going; I just need to get out for a little while.
I drive around aimlessly, passing Jack's apartment in the process. I see the lights on inside and imagine him reading the girls a story or playing a board game with them before bed.
I consider waiting until the girls are asleep and stopping by. I can't, though. Whenever I see him, it reminds me of the life I want but can't have.
I head down the street a few miles and park my car outside of a small café. I head inside to get a coffee and take a seat in a small booth.
I glance around, noticing the people coming in and out as I sip the hot drink.
"Jack?" My eyes widen in surprise as I see the girls follow behind him and get in line to order ice cream.
He smiles briefly towards me, catching my gaze before ordering. Once they have their ice cream, they make their way over towards me.
"Hi, Samantha," Kate chimes, scooting beside me while taking a lick from her cone.
"Hey." Her forwardness and her eagerness to sit beside me surprise me. Has Jack talked with the girls?
"Mind if we sit down?" Jack asks.
"It's open," I offer, watching as Jack scoots in across from me and Hannah sits beside Jack.
"I'm sorry about before," Hannah eyes me sincerely. "I just--," she pauses, not knowing how to word what she wants to say.
"I understand." I offer her a small smile and she nods, taking a bite of ice cream.
"I wanted to give this to you." Kate offers me her teddy bear.
"Kate takes him everywhere," Jack interjects.
"He's yours." I offer him back and she shakes her head no. "He needs a new home now anyways. You look like you need his company more than I do."
"Thank you," I smile, feeling touched by the girl's behavior and generosity.
Kate nods her head with a smile. "Are you and my dad going to try for another baby?"
My mouth parts slightly, not sure how to answer. I want a child, but I just don't think I could deal with this all over again. There's too much stress and emotional involvement; I'm not ready for it.
My left hand rests on the table and my right arm is wrapped around Kate's bear. Jack rests his hand above mine, giving me a look that says so much and I find it endearing. I smile softly, trying to keep the tears from falling. I feel so emotional right now, and I don't know how to deal with all of it.
I so desperately want to embrace Jack, to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. I can't, though. I need to know I can do this alone—I have before and I will again.
The girls finish their ice cream and they slip out from the booth. Hannah tugs on Jack's hand, pulling him close so she can whisper something into his ear.
"Not tonight, sweetheart." He smiles towards Hannah and grabs Kate's hand.
"All right," she sighs out sadly. "Bye, Samantha."
"You sure you want me to have this?" I offer Kate her teddy bear one final time.
"You keep it," she smiles, giving me a brief hug before following Jack outside and to the car.
I feel slightly hurt he didn't invite me back with him, but I understand. He needs this time with his girls. Besides, I was the one who ended the relationship. I pushed him away and told him I wanted to be on my own. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine.
**************
Jack Malone POV:
Corner Café
March 12, 2004 9:27 p.m.
"Come on girls." I usher them into the car, eyeing my watch with a sigh. It's already their bedtime.
"Why couldn't Samantha come home with us?" Hannah eyes me curiously. "I thought she needed our support."
"She does," I nod. "That's why I'm giving her some space. She wanted to be alone this weekend."
"She doesn't look like she wants to be alone," Kate interjects, glancing back towards the café and Sam, who's sitting alone, looking as though she's about to cry.
I notice Samantha's gaze and she glances away, quickly averting my eyes. She takes a sip of coffee and stands up, trashing the empty cup.
She slowly and hesitantly walks outside, pulling out her keys. I shut the back door, keeping the girls in the car as I nod for her to come over towards me.
"What?" She shivers, wrapping her arms around her body, holding her jacket closed as best she can with the teddy bear wrapped close to her chest.
"You going to be okay this weekend?"
"Thanks for your concern, but I'll be fine," she answers with a curt nod. She turns away, ready to head for her car when I place my hand on her shoulder.
"Sam," I whisper, causing her to glance back towards me. "You're invited over," I offer. "The girls are going to bed when we get home and--"
She shakes her head no, "We shouldn't."
"But--"
"It's better if we don't." She turns to face me and I'm surprised when she wraps her arms around me for a brief, yet sentimental hug. I don't want to let go of her. I feel drawn to her warmth and I run my hands along her back—even through her jacket I feel her shiver.
She pulls back, letting out a soft breath and glancing into the car at the girls. She waves to them with a smile, and mouths 'thank you', in response to the teddy bear.
"I'll see you on Monday," she offers, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek before heading for her car.
I let out an exhaustive sigh. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Is this not what she wanted—the girls' acceptance? I know losing the baby was hard on her—it was painful for me too. I just don't know how to help her get over it.
I slip into the car and glance back towards the girls.
"Is she coming over?" Hannah questions.
"I don't think so," I respond, pulling out of the parking lot and heading back towards the apartment.
***************
Samantha Spade POV:
Corner Café
March 12, 2004 9:35 p.m.
I take a seat in my car, turn it on and let the air warm up. I don't want to go home. I want to be comforted, but I also hate the feeling of not being able to take care of myself.
I let out a sigh and flip the heat on full blast. I eye the parking lot, noticing Jack has already left.
I could go to his apartment, but I shouldn't. He did invite me, but I felt as though he offered because the girls actually wanted him to.
I pull out of the parking space, careful not to hit anyone as I approach the street. Do I turn left and head towards Jack's place or right towards mine?
I think back over the day's events, remembering Maria's words about letting Jack into my life. I turn on my blinker and make a left turn across traffic.
I drive on, going slow enough to allow Jack time with his daughters and giving me enough time to reconsider.
I want to see him—I do. There's just so much going on that whenever I think of what we had, it hurts me to see it gone.
Maybe Maria's right and I should confide in Jack, but sometimes it's so hard to tell him those things—the things that matter the most.
I feel my cell phone vibrate in my pocket and I dig for it. "Spade," I answer.
"Hey, Samantha." I hear Martin's voice and roll my eyes with a smile. "I wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm good," I nod as I carefully navigate through traffic.
"I'm not sure what's been going on, but I thought maybe if you wanted to talk, we could go out sometime—for drinks, I mean." I can't hide the smile on my lips at his nervousness.
"Yeah, we could do that after work."
"Oh, right."
"What is it, Martin?" I can hear the disappointment and feel my stomach tense at hurting him. We're friends and that's all I see him as, but I don't see why we can't hang out.
"I thought maybe this weekend you were free, but next week is fine too."
"I'm sort of on my way somewhere tonight. Can you call me tomorrow?" I suggest.
"Yeah," I hear his voice light up and I laugh softly.
"Bye, Martin." I hang up my cell phone, shaking my head.
I've known for a while he's had a little crush on me. It's rather endearing and, to be perfectly honest, I enjoy the attention. When I was always around Jack, that's what I missed the most—us going out as a couple. Not that me going with Martin would be as a couple. I let out a sigh, not able to sort my thoughts clearly, but knowing that Martin is JUST a friend.
I pull up in front of Jack's place. I glance out the window and notice the lights being turned off in the girls' room.
Do I take the initiative and join him? I do love him, and I want us to be happy again, but there's so much heartache I feel when I see him. There's a loss and longing I want that I feel may never be filled.
I make my way up the stairs and knock softly against the door.
I hear his footsteps and he opens it with a mildly surprised expression.
"Samantha!" he says with surprise and opens the door to let me inside.
"I thought I should tell you," I begin, "Maria stopped by this evening. I didn't want to mention it in front of the girls."
"She stopped by?"
"She had some advice," I shrug.
"And?"
"I don't want to make the same mistake she made," I offer.
"Mistake? Samantha, I don't understand."
"I love you, Jack. I have for a really long time. There's a lot I don't share about my past," I tell him and he nods his head, taking my hand and ushering me towards the couch. I slip out of my coat and relax into the cushions. "There's a lot I don't tell anyone," I remind him.
"Sam, what are you trying to say?"
"I don't know," I laugh nervously. "I'm not good with words." He eyes me as though he doesn't believe what I've said. "I'm not," I repeat.
"You don't give yourself enough credit."
"Jack."
"I'm serious. When you don't agree with something, you speak your mind--"
I cut him off. "That's different."
"How so?"
"It's work," I answer. "I can talk about work or fight my own battles. I just shy away from talking about my personal life."
"I'm aware," he nods. "There are things I don't talk about either." He eyes me seriously.
"Don't you sometimes want to tell someone? You just never know what to say?"
He nods his head. "Samantha, that's what I love about us. We never needed words; we understood each other so well--"
"We complement one another," I add, feeling him embrace me with a hug. I take in his warmth and slowly pull back, glancing into his eyes. "I do love you."
He nods his head, "But?"
"I'm worried what might happen. If we pursue this," I gesture between us. "I can't live with the thought of losing another child, Jack. I don't think I could survive the torment."
He draws his fingers through my hair and I feel his breath against mine. "What do you want?"
"I don't know," I shrug. "I thought I knew but everything seems so wrong and, at the same time, so right."
He pulls me into his embrace. "Oh, Sam," he whispers and I feel his lips on my forehead. I lean into his chest, feeling his hands softly running soothingly along my back. "If you're worried about OPR and our jobs--"
"No," I laugh softly. "I've dealt with that before; it's nothing new."
"All this anxiety is because of the miscarriage?" he asks as he eyes me seriously.
I glance down, not able to face him. I let out a soft sigh of defeat and a nod. "It was about your children too, but now," I shrug, "I don't know what's going on."
"They both feel bad, and they've finally come to their senses that what they did was wrong."
I glance towards the window, staring off as I feel Jack's hand on my shoulder.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he presses.
"I want to take things slow." My eyes meet his. "I don't even know if I can deal with a relationship, but I don't want to lose you." I chew nervously on my lower lip. Will he take me back—even after all the horrible things I've done and what I've caused?
"You won't lose me," he says as he takes my hands and squeezes them gently, "but I need to know what's going on when something's bothering you."
"I know." I glance away, wanting to end this conversation.
"Sam," his voice is soft as I feel his eyes on me.
I catch his gaze briefly. "I'll try," I offer in response and give him a brief smile. He pulls me into his lap and a soft laugh escapes my lips from the surprise of his gesture. "Jack," I shake my head in amusement.
"Stay with me tonight?" I feel his breath on my neck.
"I didn't come over for--" He silences me with a soft kiss.
"I know," he nods. "Maybe I sleep better with you around."
"What about the girls?" I glance towards their bedroom. "We should take it slow. I don't want them hating me again."
"They didn't hate you," he answers, drawing his hand along my neck and into my hair.
"Yeah, they did," I nod. "It's okay, I can understand. I think it might be better if I slept on the couch."
"You're not sleeping on the couch," he eyes me. "Come on."
I stand up and walk with Jack towards the bedroom. I stand in the entranceway as Jack digs through his drawers for something clean to wear to bed. "You coming in?" He pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor as he slips into something more comfortable. "Sam?"
I suddenly feel so vulnerable and all the memories come flooding back to haunt me. I feel my lip quiver and I bite down, trying to ignore the ache in my stomach.
"Um, yeah." I head on over, slide my shoes off and take a seat on the edge of the bed.
"You want something to wear?"
"A t-shirt would be good."
He pulls one out and tosses it to me. "I'll be in the bathroom brushing my teeth." He slips away, giving me privacy to get changed.
*************
Jack Malone POV:
Jack Malone Residence
March 12, 2004 10:45 p.m.
I open the bathroom door, noticing the light off in the bedroom and Samantha already between the covers.
"Tired?" I question, slipping beside her in bed as she rolls onto her side to face me.
"Extremely," she yawns out and I roll onto my side, drawing my hand to her waist to hold her. She leans into my body, and I feel her warmth soak through me. "I'm sorry about everything," she whispers as I feel her hands on my chest.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," I remind her. She nods her head and doesn't answer. The room is completely quiet and I can hear her breathing against my skin. "Would you really have gone out with Kellar tonight?"
She lets out a soft laugh. "I don't know. I'm glad I didn't, though. I'd rather be in your bed than his."
"Sam--"
"I'm sorry," she tells me again. "That came out wrong."
"It's okay." I move my hand into her hair, gently brushing it back so I can see her face. I feel her legs brush against mine as she shifts beneath the covers.
"Are you sure the girls will be okay with me being here in the morning?"
"If you take good care of Kate's teddy bear, I think she'll be okay." I kiss her lips softly, feeling her hands knead against my back.
"It's in the car," she answers.
"I'll bring it inside in the morning." She nods her head in response, letting out a soft breath.
"I wish things were like the way they were before," Sam tells me.
"I don't."
"Things were less complicated."
"For you maybe. I had Maria to deal with," I point out with a soft laugh.
"You know what I mean, Jack."
I feel her head move into my neck, as she closes her eyes and takes comfort in my embrace.
"Goodnight," I offer, drawing my hands over her back as I hear her yawn a similar response into my skin.
***************
Samantha Spade POV:
Jack Malone Residence
March 13, 2004 9:48 a.m.
I roll around, squinting my eyes as the morning light shines in through the windows. "Jack?" I glance around, noticing he's already awake, and I smell the morning coffee brewing. My eyes dance along the bed, noticing Kate's teddy bear that she gave me and I can't hide the smile on my lips no matter how hard I try.
I run my hand along the soft fur and slowly sit up in bed. I head towards the dresser and pull out a pair of sweatpants that are too big on me. I laugh at how they practically fall off, and I grab for my pants that I wore yesterday and change into those.
I quietly peek out of the bedroom, hearing the television as I make my way into the living room.
"Hey, Sam." I hear Jack's voice and glance into the kitchen to see him cooking breakfast.
"Need a hand?"
"I've got it," he answers and I turn around to see both girls eyeing me.
"Come sit with us," Kate chimes, and I slowly approach the sofa, watching as they make room for me to sit between them.
"What are we watching?" I eye the television curiously.
"Cartoons," Hannah answers. I feel her eyes staring at me and I let out a soft breath, glancing her way.
"What?" I whisper, not trying to start a fight but wondering why she's looking at me like that.
"You're really pretty." I feel her fingers going into my hair as she eyes the blonde strands. "I wish my hair was straight."
"Thank you." I feel myself blushing. "I like your hair," I offer her and she cringes.
"Not me."
"We can take a trip to my apartment and get my straightener. It might help."
"Really?" Her eyes light up.
"Will you do my hair too?" Kate eyes me with a smile.
"We'll have to check with your dad first." All three of us glance into the kitchen to see Jack laughing softly.
"It won't be permanent, will it?"
"No," I laugh, shaking my head. "Once they take a shower, it'll go back to the way it was."
"I don't see why not then," he shrugs.
"Why do you have a hair straightener?" Kate eyes me curiously. "Your hair isn't curly?"
"Long story," I laugh and stand up from the sofa. "Let's help your dad in the kitchen."
"I'm just about done," Jack answers.
"I'll set the table," Hannah chimes, heading towards the cabinets to grab the dishes.
"Me too," Kate adds, as they both set everything up.
Once we're finished breakfast, the girls head into their bedroom to get changed and I help Jack with the dishes. "You know," Jack whispers from behind me, "you'll make a great mother someday."
"You really think so?" I glance back and he nods with a smile.
"I know so."
The End.
Samantha Spade Residence
March 12, 2004 8:07 p.m.
I unlock the front door, slightly disappointed from today's events. We did manage to find our missing person, but unfortunately it was too late.
Her body was dumped, along with a note that made it appear as a suicide. It didn't add up—her car was left at the airport, she was missing for several days, and there was a suicide note. Whoever was involved wanted it to look staged, but they just didn't know what they were doing.
We couldn't figure out the pieces of the puzzle, and to me it still doesn't make much sense. If she was running away to save herself, why didn't she leave the city? Was she trying to keep in touch with her family and did that get her killed? Maybe she couldn't part with her life and her child?
I let out a sigh, falling into the couch and closing my eyes. I feel worn and exhausted. Danny and I stopped for dinner before I came home, so at least I ate something reasonable.
I still don't have much of an appetite and I sigh as I glance toward the clock. So much for meeting Kellar—even if I wanted to. I doubt he'd still be at the bar.
I sigh and grab the remote with, flipping the television on and surfing through the channels.
I hear someone knocking at the door and let out a soft breath. Is it Kellar trying to find out why I never showed up? Maybe it's Jack with his children. I shake my head, dismissing the thought. I love him but I need some time away. I need some space from 'us' to get my feelings and emotions back in order. I need to know where I stand before I can determine where 'we' stand—if there will even be a 'we' again.
"Coming," I answer with a sigh, pattering towards the door and pulling it back with a surprised look on my face. "What are you doing here?" I question, glancing towards Maria.
"I heard about the miscarriage," she bites down on her lower lip. "I wanted to bring you flowers," she offers, handing me the small bouquet. It feels slightly odd—receiving flowers let alone anything from the woman whose husband I slept with.
"Thanks," I answer, carrying them into the kitchen and pulling out a vase to put them in.
"I know what you're going through."
I glance back over my shoulder with a sigh. "I'm fine, really."
"I kept telling myself the same thing. Jack hasn't said much to me, but I saw him this evening when he picked up the girls. He looks lost without you." Her eyes meet mine and I don't know what to say.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I answer, turning my back as I open the bouquet and run the tap water. I cut the stems before putting them in the vase.
I feel her hand on my shoulder and my body freezes from her touch.
"You don't have to confide in me, but don't leave Jack in the dark. It's the mistake I made, Samantha. That's what tore our family apart." I turn to face her, surprised by her honesty.
"You had a miscarriage?"
She nods with a sigh. "I never told him about it. I didn't want to worry him and instead I put a wedge between us. It wasn't intentional, but things never got better after that. If you don't talk about it, the pain will stay with you for a long time."
"I know," I sigh. "I had a miscarriage when I was younger. This isn't anything new," I shrug, trying to lessen the pain and the situation.
"I know we have our differences, but if you trust Jack, confide in him, or things may never be the same again."
"Thanks," I smile politely.
"I should be going." She heads towards the door.
"Thank you for the flowers."
"No problem. Take it easy," she offers before shutting the door and heading down to her car.
I fall onto the couch with a sigh. Do I take her advice? I do want to confide in someone, and the therapist just doesn't feel right. I don't want to bother Jack, though; he has two girls who need his attention.
I could always call Danny, but he has a life of his own. I don't feel like I should be bringing everyone down with me.
I grab my jacket and keys and head for my car. I don't know where I'm going; I just need to get out for a little while.
I drive around aimlessly, passing Jack's apartment in the process. I see the lights on inside and imagine him reading the girls a story or playing a board game with them before bed.
I consider waiting until the girls are asleep and stopping by. I can't, though. Whenever I see him, it reminds me of the life I want but can't have.
I head down the street a few miles and park my car outside of a small café. I head inside to get a coffee and take a seat in a small booth.
I glance around, noticing the people coming in and out as I sip the hot drink.
"Jack?" My eyes widen in surprise as I see the girls follow behind him and get in line to order ice cream.
He smiles briefly towards me, catching my gaze before ordering. Once they have their ice cream, they make their way over towards me.
"Hi, Samantha," Kate chimes, scooting beside me while taking a lick from her cone.
"Hey." Her forwardness and her eagerness to sit beside me surprise me. Has Jack talked with the girls?
"Mind if we sit down?" Jack asks.
"It's open," I offer, watching as Jack scoots in across from me and Hannah sits beside Jack.
"I'm sorry about before," Hannah eyes me sincerely. "I just--," she pauses, not knowing how to word what she wants to say.
"I understand." I offer her a small smile and she nods, taking a bite of ice cream.
"I wanted to give this to you." Kate offers me her teddy bear.
"Kate takes him everywhere," Jack interjects.
"He's yours." I offer him back and she shakes her head no. "He needs a new home now anyways. You look like you need his company more than I do."
"Thank you," I smile, feeling touched by the girl's behavior and generosity.
Kate nods her head with a smile. "Are you and my dad going to try for another baby?"
My mouth parts slightly, not sure how to answer. I want a child, but I just don't think I could deal with this all over again. There's too much stress and emotional involvement; I'm not ready for it.
My left hand rests on the table and my right arm is wrapped around Kate's bear. Jack rests his hand above mine, giving me a look that says so much and I find it endearing. I smile softly, trying to keep the tears from falling. I feel so emotional right now, and I don't know how to deal with all of it.
I so desperately want to embrace Jack, to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. I can't, though. I need to know I can do this alone—I have before and I will again.
The girls finish their ice cream and they slip out from the booth. Hannah tugs on Jack's hand, pulling him close so she can whisper something into his ear.
"Not tonight, sweetheart." He smiles towards Hannah and grabs Kate's hand.
"All right," she sighs out sadly. "Bye, Samantha."
"You sure you want me to have this?" I offer Kate her teddy bear one final time.
"You keep it," she smiles, giving me a brief hug before following Jack outside and to the car.
I feel slightly hurt he didn't invite me back with him, but I understand. He needs this time with his girls. Besides, I was the one who ended the relationship. I pushed him away and told him I wanted to be on my own. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine.
**************
Jack Malone POV:
Corner Café
March 12, 2004 9:27 p.m.
"Come on girls." I usher them into the car, eyeing my watch with a sigh. It's already their bedtime.
"Why couldn't Samantha come home with us?" Hannah eyes me curiously. "I thought she needed our support."
"She does," I nod. "That's why I'm giving her some space. She wanted to be alone this weekend."
"She doesn't look like she wants to be alone," Kate interjects, glancing back towards the café and Sam, who's sitting alone, looking as though she's about to cry.
I notice Samantha's gaze and she glances away, quickly averting my eyes. She takes a sip of coffee and stands up, trashing the empty cup.
She slowly and hesitantly walks outside, pulling out her keys. I shut the back door, keeping the girls in the car as I nod for her to come over towards me.
"What?" She shivers, wrapping her arms around her body, holding her jacket closed as best she can with the teddy bear wrapped close to her chest.
"You going to be okay this weekend?"
"Thanks for your concern, but I'll be fine," she answers with a curt nod. She turns away, ready to head for her car when I place my hand on her shoulder.
"Sam," I whisper, causing her to glance back towards me. "You're invited over," I offer. "The girls are going to bed when we get home and--"
She shakes her head no, "We shouldn't."
"But--"
"It's better if we don't." She turns to face me and I'm surprised when she wraps her arms around me for a brief, yet sentimental hug. I don't want to let go of her. I feel drawn to her warmth and I run my hands along her back—even through her jacket I feel her shiver.
She pulls back, letting out a soft breath and glancing into the car at the girls. She waves to them with a smile, and mouths 'thank you', in response to the teddy bear.
"I'll see you on Monday," she offers, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek before heading for her car.
I let out an exhaustive sigh. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Is this not what she wanted—the girls' acceptance? I know losing the baby was hard on her—it was painful for me too. I just don't know how to help her get over it.
I slip into the car and glance back towards the girls.
"Is she coming over?" Hannah questions.
"I don't think so," I respond, pulling out of the parking lot and heading back towards the apartment.
***************
Samantha Spade POV:
Corner Café
March 12, 2004 9:35 p.m.
I take a seat in my car, turn it on and let the air warm up. I don't want to go home. I want to be comforted, but I also hate the feeling of not being able to take care of myself.
I let out a sigh and flip the heat on full blast. I eye the parking lot, noticing Jack has already left.
I could go to his apartment, but I shouldn't. He did invite me, but I felt as though he offered because the girls actually wanted him to.
I pull out of the parking space, careful not to hit anyone as I approach the street. Do I turn left and head towards Jack's place or right towards mine?
I think back over the day's events, remembering Maria's words about letting Jack into my life. I turn on my blinker and make a left turn across traffic.
I drive on, going slow enough to allow Jack time with his daughters and giving me enough time to reconsider.
I want to see him—I do. There's just so much going on that whenever I think of what we had, it hurts me to see it gone.
Maybe Maria's right and I should confide in Jack, but sometimes it's so hard to tell him those things—the things that matter the most.
I feel my cell phone vibrate in my pocket and I dig for it. "Spade," I answer.
"Hey, Samantha." I hear Martin's voice and roll my eyes with a smile. "I wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm good," I nod as I carefully navigate through traffic.
"I'm not sure what's been going on, but I thought maybe if you wanted to talk, we could go out sometime—for drinks, I mean." I can't hide the smile on my lips at his nervousness.
"Yeah, we could do that after work."
"Oh, right."
"What is it, Martin?" I can hear the disappointment and feel my stomach tense at hurting him. We're friends and that's all I see him as, but I don't see why we can't hang out.
"I thought maybe this weekend you were free, but next week is fine too."
"I'm sort of on my way somewhere tonight. Can you call me tomorrow?" I suggest.
"Yeah," I hear his voice light up and I laugh softly.
"Bye, Martin." I hang up my cell phone, shaking my head.
I've known for a while he's had a little crush on me. It's rather endearing and, to be perfectly honest, I enjoy the attention. When I was always around Jack, that's what I missed the most—us going out as a couple. Not that me going with Martin would be as a couple. I let out a sigh, not able to sort my thoughts clearly, but knowing that Martin is JUST a friend.
I pull up in front of Jack's place. I glance out the window and notice the lights being turned off in the girls' room.
Do I take the initiative and join him? I do love him, and I want us to be happy again, but there's so much heartache I feel when I see him. There's a loss and longing I want that I feel may never be filled.
I make my way up the stairs and knock softly against the door.
I hear his footsteps and he opens it with a mildly surprised expression.
"Samantha!" he says with surprise and opens the door to let me inside.
"I thought I should tell you," I begin, "Maria stopped by this evening. I didn't want to mention it in front of the girls."
"She stopped by?"
"She had some advice," I shrug.
"And?"
"I don't want to make the same mistake she made," I offer.
"Mistake? Samantha, I don't understand."
"I love you, Jack. I have for a really long time. There's a lot I don't share about my past," I tell him and he nods his head, taking my hand and ushering me towards the couch. I slip out of my coat and relax into the cushions. "There's a lot I don't tell anyone," I remind him.
"Sam, what are you trying to say?"
"I don't know," I laugh nervously. "I'm not good with words." He eyes me as though he doesn't believe what I've said. "I'm not," I repeat.
"You don't give yourself enough credit."
"Jack."
"I'm serious. When you don't agree with something, you speak your mind--"
I cut him off. "That's different."
"How so?"
"It's work," I answer. "I can talk about work or fight my own battles. I just shy away from talking about my personal life."
"I'm aware," he nods. "There are things I don't talk about either." He eyes me seriously.
"Don't you sometimes want to tell someone? You just never know what to say?"
He nods his head. "Samantha, that's what I love about us. We never needed words; we understood each other so well--"
"We complement one another," I add, feeling him embrace me with a hug. I take in his warmth and slowly pull back, glancing into his eyes. "I do love you."
He nods his head, "But?"
"I'm worried what might happen. If we pursue this," I gesture between us. "I can't live with the thought of losing another child, Jack. I don't think I could survive the torment."
He draws his fingers through my hair and I feel his breath against mine. "What do you want?"
"I don't know," I shrug. "I thought I knew but everything seems so wrong and, at the same time, so right."
He pulls me into his embrace. "Oh, Sam," he whispers and I feel his lips on my forehead. I lean into his chest, feeling his hands softly running soothingly along my back. "If you're worried about OPR and our jobs--"
"No," I laugh softly. "I've dealt with that before; it's nothing new."
"All this anxiety is because of the miscarriage?" he asks as he eyes me seriously.
I glance down, not able to face him. I let out a soft sigh of defeat and a nod. "It was about your children too, but now," I shrug, "I don't know what's going on."
"They both feel bad, and they've finally come to their senses that what they did was wrong."
I glance towards the window, staring off as I feel Jack's hand on my shoulder.
"Tell me what you're thinking," he presses.
"I want to take things slow." My eyes meet his. "I don't even know if I can deal with a relationship, but I don't want to lose you." I chew nervously on my lower lip. Will he take me back—even after all the horrible things I've done and what I've caused?
"You won't lose me," he says as he takes my hands and squeezes them gently, "but I need to know what's going on when something's bothering you."
"I know." I glance away, wanting to end this conversation.
"Sam," his voice is soft as I feel his eyes on me.
I catch his gaze briefly. "I'll try," I offer in response and give him a brief smile. He pulls me into his lap and a soft laugh escapes my lips from the surprise of his gesture. "Jack," I shake my head in amusement.
"Stay with me tonight?" I feel his breath on my neck.
"I didn't come over for--" He silences me with a soft kiss.
"I know," he nods. "Maybe I sleep better with you around."
"What about the girls?" I glance towards their bedroom. "We should take it slow. I don't want them hating me again."
"They didn't hate you," he answers, drawing his hand along my neck and into my hair.
"Yeah, they did," I nod. "It's okay, I can understand. I think it might be better if I slept on the couch."
"You're not sleeping on the couch," he eyes me. "Come on."
I stand up and walk with Jack towards the bedroom. I stand in the entranceway as Jack digs through his drawers for something clean to wear to bed. "You coming in?" He pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor as he slips into something more comfortable. "Sam?"
I suddenly feel so vulnerable and all the memories come flooding back to haunt me. I feel my lip quiver and I bite down, trying to ignore the ache in my stomach.
"Um, yeah." I head on over, slide my shoes off and take a seat on the edge of the bed.
"You want something to wear?"
"A t-shirt would be good."
He pulls one out and tosses it to me. "I'll be in the bathroom brushing my teeth." He slips away, giving me privacy to get changed.
*************
Jack Malone POV:
Jack Malone Residence
March 12, 2004 10:45 p.m.
I open the bathroom door, noticing the light off in the bedroom and Samantha already between the covers.
"Tired?" I question, slipping beside her in bed as she rolls onto her side to face me.
"Extremely," she yawns out and I roll onto my side, drawing my hand to her waist to hold her. She leans into my body, and I feel her warmth soak through me. "I'm sorry about everything," she whispers as I feel her hands on my chest.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," I remind her. She nods her head and doesn't answer. The room is completely quiet and I can hear her breathing against my skin. "Would you really have gone out with Kellar tonight?"
She lets out a soft laugh. "I don't know. I'm glad I didn't, though. I'd rather be in your bed than his."
"Sam--"
"I'm sorry," she tells me again. "That came out wrong."
"It's okay." I move my hand into her hair, gently brushing it back so I can see her face. I feel her legs brush against mine as she shifts beneath the covers.
"Are you sure the girls will be okay with me being here in the morning?"
"If you take good care of Kate's teddy bear, I think she'll be okay." I kiss her lips softly, feeling her hands knead against my back.
"It's in the car," she answers.
"I'll bring it inside in the morning." She nods her head in response, letting out a soft breath.
"I wish things were like the way they were before," Sam tells me.
"I don't."
"Things were less complicated."
"For you maybe. I had Maria to deal with," I point out with a soft laugh.
"You know what I mean, Jack."
I feel her head move into my neck, as she closes her eyes and takes comfort in my embrace.
"Goodnight," I offer, drawing my hands over her back as I hear her yawn a similar response into my skin.
***************
Samantha Spade POV:
Jack Malone Residence
March 13, 2004 9:48 a.m.
I roll around, squinting my eyes as the morning light shines in through the windows. "Jack?" I glance around, noticing he's already awake, and I smell the morning coffee brewing. My eyes dance along the bed, noticing Kate's teddy bear that she gave me and I can't hide the smile on my lips no matter how hard I try.
I run my hand along the soft fur and slowly sit up in bed. I head towards the dresser and pull out a pair of sweatpants that are too big on me. I laugh at how they practically fall off, and I grab for my pants that I wore yesterday and change into those.
I quietly peek out of the bedroom, hearing the television as I make my way into the living room.
"Hey, Sam." I hear Jack's voice and glance into the kitchen to see him cooking breakfast.
"Need a hand?"
"I've got it," he answers and I turn around to see both girls eyeing me.
"Come sit with us," Kate chimes, and I slowly approach the sofa, watching as they make room for me to sit between them.
"What are we watching?" I eye the television curiously.
"Cartoons," Hannah answers. I feel her eyes staring at me and I let out a soft breath, glancing her way.
"What?" I whisper, not trying to start a fight but wondering why she's looking at me like that.
"You're really pretty." I feel her fingers going into my hair as she eyes the blonde strands. "I wish my hair was straight."
"Thank you." I feel myself blushing. "I like your hair," I offer her and she cringes.
"Not me."
"We can take a trip to my apartment and get my straightener. It might help."
"Really?" Her eyes light up.
"Will you do my hair too?" Kate eyes me with a smile.
"We'll have to check with your dad first." All three of us glance into the kitchen to see Jack laughing softly.
"It won't be permanent, will it?"
"No," I laugh, shaking my head. "Once they take a shower, it'll go back to the way it was."
"I don't see why not then," he shrugs.
"Why do you have a hair straightener?" Kate eyes me curiously. "Your hair isn't curly?"
"Long story," I laugh and stand up from the sofa. "Let's help your dad in the kitchen."
"I'm just about done," Jack answers.
"I'll set the table," Hannah chimes, heading towards the cabinets to grab the dishes.
"Me too," Kate adds, as they both set everything up.
Once we're finished breakfast, the girls head into their bedroom to get changed and I help Jack with the dishes. "You know," Jack whispers from behind me, "you'll make a great mother someday."
"You really think so?" I glance back and he nods with a smile.
"I know so."
The End.