Don't own, don't sue. Kapeesh?

Let's hear it for the end of Yr 12 and the power of MILO! * thunderous silence*

^_^o

Well, anyways, to all my dear reviewers ( and anyone else who read the prologue but thought it wasn't worth reviewing ~ I understand completely x.X ):

A mere 8 months after starting this fic, I have FINALLY got my act together long enough to write a first chapter that I feel suits what I want to say. Thankyou for bearing with me and my lazy arse muse ^_^ This chapter is for you.

In Loving Memory

By Zed-sama

CHAPTER 1: Loneliness

The apartment is so cold and lifeless without him. The bed he lies in seems empty, devoid of his comforting warmth . . . an agonizing reminder of what has been, and what he has destroyed.

Not that they will admit it. They tell him they don't blame him, that it's not his fault. But he knows the truth. It is my fault. I killed him. I –

Stop it! part of him screams. Don't remember, don't remember the pain. Don't think about it!

Why bother? another part of him argues. You killed him. You can't deny it. You killed the only part of your life that made it worth living. You killed the one you'd sworn to protect. You don't deserve to be happy.

With a sobbing sigh, he buries his face in the blue shirt and inhales deeply, closing his eyes as the familiar comforting scent of his lover washes through his senses. For a single, precious moment, he can pretend that he is not dead, and it's all some horrible dream.

But the moment soon passes. Abandoned on his island of broken dreams, he surrenders himself to the tears of grief and desperate loneliness, sobbing his lover's name into the unforgiving darkness.

" Rei – oh God, Rei – I'm sorry, I'm so sorry . . . Rei . . . "

*~*~*

" Hiwatari? Kai Hiwatari? " Kai stirred and opened his eyes fractionally, the acid taste of bile in his mouth. The familiar craving gnawed relentlessly at his mind, demanding relief. He coughed, wishing that his headache would ease so that he could think. Damn, his chest hurt! But if he could just do a job, he'd be able to get more. Do the job, get the crack. That's all that mattered now.

Sluggishly, he lifted his gaze. The voice that had disturbed his doze belonged to a young man with violet hair and a sharp, eagle like face.

" It IS you! " The voice sounded shocked and amazed. Kai vaguely recalled having seen him somewhere before. Probably a former job, back for more. He knew he was a favourite among the city's paedophiles. His body was not yet ruined by age or over-use, and his short time on the streets had not completely destroyed his looks. True, he'd lost a lot of weight and his hair was matted with filth, but they didn't care. To them, he was just another junkie for sale. 

The stranger's hands were running over his face. " 1000en, pal, " Kai slurred, pushing the hands away. " Pay first, play later. "

The young man made a horrified sound. " Hiwatari, you don't . . .! "

" Pay first, play later, " repeated Kai unsteadily, slowly unfurling his legs and wincing as the sore muscles cramped from spending so long tucked against his aching chest. Coughing again, he made a shaky attempt to get to his feet, wobbled dangerously and tottered forward to collapse over the stranger's shoulder.

The other steadied him by placing one arm around Kai's gaunt shoulders. " I don't want to 'play' with you, Hiwatari. Come on, you need to see a doctor. " That said, the young man placed the dual-tone haired boy's arm around his own shoulders and, wrapping an arm firmly around Kai's torso, lifted him to his feet.

The words didn't register in Kai's drug-addled brain. He thought that he was being taken advantage of – that the guy was taking him to some place to fuck his brains out and leave him there as easy pickings for other street crawlers. His indignant snarls quickly deteriorated into a coughing fit as he struggled. If he allowed this bastard to fuck him without paying first, others were sure to follow. And, being aware of his popularity among men who roamed the streets, Kai knew that he must avoid a reputation like that at all costs.

Unfortunately, the other man was easily too strong for him, and Kai was forced to submit ungraciously to being half-dragged, half-carried down the street. Fuck it, he thought bitterly, I'll just steal the fucker's wallet. He smirked a bit to himself, then coughed. Dammit, why did he have a fucking cold in the middle of summer?

The young man was speaking to him again, " Kai! Kai, are you all right? "

Kai merely groaned in response. His headache had become a blinding agony that flared with every movement, and his stomach was clamouring for food. He hadn't eaten since . . . well, since he'd been to Touya's two days ago. Since then he'd been wrapped in the little protective bubble that crack provided, where nothing mattered because nothing was real.

Through his daze, Kai realised they had stopped. He glanced around and saw that the stranger had lead him to a limousine parked at the curb. He balked violently as the driver opened the door, fear racing through him and lending him strength. No matter what, he couldn't get in that car!

He struck out blindly with a fist, clawing and biting at his captor in effort to free himself and get away from the limousine's yawning entrance. The stranger fended off his attacks, and after a few moments of futile coercing, simply picked Kai up like a doll and stepped into the limousine. The chauffeur slammed the door behind them, sealing off Kai's escape route. 

Inside the vehicle, Kai sat frozen in terror on the stranger's lap, his breath fast and uneven. He shut his eyes fiercely and gripped the leg of his pants until his knuckles turned deathly white. As the limousine's engine shuddered to life, he cried out hoarsely and scrambled for a hold on something secure, his fingers clutching frenziedly at the front of the stranger's shirt.

The eagle-faced man talked to him in soft, soothing tones for the entire journey, one hand gently massaging circles on the distressed boy's back. Reeling from pain and shock, Kai barely heard a word. His stomach lurched with each turn, and twice they had to stop so that he could be sick on the street. The second time, his stomach was so empty that he simply dry retched, his throat tearing with the strain of his heaving gut.

When the limousine pulled up at the hospital, Kai was barely conscious. He groaned loudly as he felt arms slip beneath his knees and around his shoulders, lifting him from the backseat of the vehicle and carrying him into the building. Always, the low voice of the young man murmuring encouragement and reassurances in his ear.

The doors to the emergency ward hissed open and Kai was temporarily blinded by the bright lights. Reflexively, his hands flew to his eyes.

A bright, hypnotising light . . . trapped in its intense beam . . . unable to move . . . Rei screaming . . .

Kai screamed in utter terror and thrashed in the arms that carried him. " Get away from me! " he shrieked, blind with panic, " Get off! I'll kill you! "

People came from all directions, yelling, gesturing, touching him. Lights swirled, faced blurred, sounds churned into a sensory overload. It was too much. He fainted. 

*~*~*

Z: Well? WELL?! What did you think??? I know it's short, but this is a sort of background chapter, so you know WHY Kai will do the things he does in future chapters. Reviews will encourage me to get the next one out faster than this one!

Rei: I'm not really dead, am I?

Z: No, Rei-chan. For the sole purpose of cause Kai uber-angst in this fic, you had to be taken permanently out of it.

Rei: Oh . . . ok then . . . * wanders away sucking on a candy cane *