The Popcorn Business
A Seinfeld story by Father Hulk
A/N: Hello everyone! This is my very first attempt at a Seinfeld story. Some things you should know: Number 1, I am not writing this in script form for two reasons: A, I'm not very good at writing in script form, and B, I think it's more fun to do it this way. I'll probably get flamed just for that, but so what? I feed my flames to Newman. Hehehehe. Ok, enjoy the story folks!
Our story opens at the movie theater.
The movie theater was dark and the audience was quiet as Rochelle, Rochelle Part 2: She's a Woman played on the screen. Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza, and Cosmo Kramer sat in the seventh row, watching with rapt attention. Kramer reached into his popcorn bag, and frantically felt around inside it. He looked inside and found nothing.
"Aw, man!" He cried.
"Shh!" Jerry whispered.
"I've got no more popcorn!" Kramer whimpered.
"So go get more."
"But I don't want to miss the movie!" he leaned over. "George, go get me some more popcorn, will ya?"
George laughed sarcastically. "Hah. Yeah right. At the big kissing scene, I'm gonna go get you more popcorn. Ha. You're dreamin."
"Oh come on, man!" Kramer complained, only to be shushed by the people sitting in front of him. "Fine… I'll… leave Rochelle, Rochelle 2 and… go get more popcorn." He stood up and tried to push his way past people's feet. He tripped over the person sitting in the aisle, fell on his face, and then he stood up and backed towards the exit, keeping his eyes on the screen till the very last second.
"Can I help you?" The girl at the concession stand asked with a big fake smile.
"Uh, yeah, I'd like another large popcorn." Kramer said, leaning on the counter.
"Certainly." She scooped the popcorn into the bag and added the butter. "That comes to $7.00."
Kramer started. "$7.00? For this?"
"That's right, sir."
"But this is nothing! This little bag? There's nothing here, man! Look at it! LOOK at it!" Kramer thrust the bag in the girl's face, dumping popcorn everywhere. "All you movie theaters are getting greedy with your concessions. Why, I'd bet I'd have to pay $3.00 just to get a decent soda!"
"It's $4.50." The girl corrected him.
Kramer started again.
"Now if you don't like this size, you can get an extra-large for another fifty cents."
"Oh no no no no," Kramer said evenly. "I don't want your popcorn now. You can keep it. Sell it to Mr. Moneybags who can afford…"
"Is there a problem here?" Asked the manager, who had just arrived.
"I think so." Kramer said.
"He's giving me a hard time about the popcorn." The girl told him.
"Is that so?"
"Well, I was simply saying how I think you guys are becoming downright TYRANNICAL with your high priced concessions!"
"Ok then, I tell you what," the manager says to Kramer, "From now on, you're banned from this concession stand. We don't want you to buy any of our things anymore. Got it?"
"That'll be the worst mistake you ever made." Kramer said hotly, and he turned and left the theater.
*********************************
It was mid-afternoon at the office of the New York Yankees. George Costanza sat at his desk, working on the daily Jumble, when his boss Mr. Willhelm came in.
"George, I have big news!" He said excitedly.
"Really?"
"Yes! George, the star player of the international team, the China Dragons, is thinking about coming to play for the Yankees!"
George raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Yes! Yoshio Fong. He's coming for a visit next week, and his manager made it very clear to us that we must do everything he wants exactly as he wants."
"Is that really necessary, sir?"
Mr. Willhelm put his hand on George's shoulder. "George, we're talking about a man who has hit two home runs in almost every game he's played. We can't afford to lose him. Now, I'm putting you in charge of keeping him happy. We have to make that deal!"
"Yes sir, Mr. Willhelm," George said.
Jerry Seinfeld walked into his apartment and sniffed the air curiously. "God, it smells like popcorn in here…" Suddenly, he saw why. Ten huge bowls of popcorn sat on his counter, and a huge popper was busily making another batch. Just as Jerry was wondering what this was all about, Kramer appeared.
"Hey buddy," he said, going over to the popcorn.
"Well it's time for that question…" Jerry began, crossing his arms.
"And what might that be, kemo-sabay?"
"What are you DOING in here?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Kramer said with an amused chuckle. "I'm makin' popcorn! Me and Newman, we're goin' into business together."
"Making popcorn?" Jerry questioned.
"Nope." Kramer replied, dumping the fresh batch into a bowl. "Selling it."
"Well there's a new one." Jerry watched as Kramer began dumping the bowls of popcorn into huge plastic bags. "And what brought this on?"
"Well, I had had it with those movie theater concession stands, you know, charging a fortune for a popcorn, so… I'm giving people the alternative!"
"Which is?"
"I Can't Believe All The Butter." Kramer said with satisfaction.
Jerry nodded thoughtfully. "That's original. But you're going to make it all out of my apartment?"
"Oh no no," Kramer said as he dumped the next batch messily into a bowl, "Your apartment is Site A. I've got poppers goin' in six other apartments!"
Just then, there was a knock on the door, and Kramer opened it to reveal heavyset mailman Newman. "Oh, hey partner." Kramer greeted him.
"Hey," Newman said, walking in. "Kramer, I need…" Newman then noticed the other figure in the room. "Hello, Jerry." He said distastefully.
"Hello, Newman." Jerry replied with equal distaste.
Newman turned back to Kramer. "Kramer, I need the phone numbers of those companies we were going to market to. I think only the most contemporary ones will go for our radical idea."
"What radical idea?" Jerry asked.
"Well, the idea behind our brand of popcorn is that you make the popcorn plain, and then we give you a jar of butter that you add on afterwards. Quality control, Jerry." Kramer said with a wink.
Jerry rubbed his chin. "Popcorn where you add your own butter. Hm.. Sounds suspiciously like a different, more pizza-faced idea you once had."
Kramer spread his arms out. "Of course it does! It comes from Kramerica!"
The intercom buzzed at that moment. Kramer, being closest to the door, took the liberty of answering it. "Y'ello?"
"It's me." said Elaine from downstairs.
"Giddyup." Kramer said, letting her in.
"So how are you planning to get your popcorn out on the market?" Jerry asked, deciding to humor Kramer for the time being.
"Well, you know my buddy, Bob Sacamano? He has a friend who worked for Orville Redenbacher."
"Really now?"
"Yup. But he got fired, ya see? So he's going into business for himself, and we promised him that our popcorn would rocket him to the top of the market!"
The door opened, and Elaine Benis walked in. "Hey boys!" she greeted them, and then she closed her eyes and sniffed the air. "Mmm, it smells like popcorn!"
"Turn around." Jerry told her. Elaine turned around and saw all the bags of popcorn. Her eyes widened in disbelief.
"Here, Elaine, you can be my focus group," Kramer said, approaching her with a paper cup of the popcorn. "Come on… have a taste!"
Elaine took a handful of the popcorn. She made a face, and said, "It's awfully plain, Kramer."
"Ah ha!" Kramer said, clapping his hands. "But! Here's where we change all that! Partner Newman, may I have the Kramerica Inc. butter formula?"
Newman removed a Tupperware jar from Jerry's microwave. While Kramer added the butter to Elaine's popcorn, Jerry made a face as he realized that he'd need to completely clean out his microwave later, because Newman had gotten butter all over it!
Elaine tried the popcorn again, this time with the butter. Her eyes widened. "Oh my God, Kramer! This is so good! Mmm!"
"Let me try that," Jerry said, grabbing some. "Hey… hey you're right, this is really great! You may have something here, K-man."
"You'd better believe it." Kramer said. Then he turned to Newman. "Hey come on, buddy, we gotta start putting this stuff down in the storeroom."
"Wait a minute," Jerry said, "You don't have a storeroom."
Kramer became hesitant. "Well…I…um…you know…"
"You mean the half of MY storeroom I rented out to you??"
"Well you can't take it back, now." Kramer said in a high pitched whine, and then he exited the apartment. Newman shouldered two bags of the popcorn, paused at the door, grinned evily at Jerry, gave a sadistic wink to Elaine, and was out the door.