Title:
Author: Lovely Ostrich
Rating: NC~17
Warnings: Yuki x Shuichi and a bit of angst. References to self abuse, but not too heavy :s
Comments: I wrote this fic ages ago, but never got round typing it out. But now I have a pc! YAY! I don't know if I chose Eiri~san on purpose. I guess I just wanted to show that he's not as cold and heartless as he's made out for his own good. Please leave a review so I know what you think! Thank you!
I don't understand how he does it. He faces every new day and task with a smile on his face no matter how he feels inside, determination gleaming in his eyes. There are significant points in my life that, because of me, have also unfortunately happened to him, but it seems to have made him stronger within himself. For the first time in so long, I've felt truly wanted. Don't ask me why, for I honestly couldn't tell you. Shuichi's an idiot, but he knows what he wants and I can't seem to push him away anymore. Even for his own safety. So many a night I've woken up screaming and he'll be holding me, calming me down, whispering soothingly into my ear instead of grabbing his belongings and running out the door, abandoning me, like so many before him have done. No matter what I do or say, he's in my face telling me how much he loves me, kissing me ever so gently. It's probably the only time his voice doesn't irritate me. He's the only person that's actually attempted to love me for who the 'real' me is, no matter how hard I try and hide it and not how much money they can squander out of me or how much sex they can get before the novelty wears off. I think I've fallen for him harder than I could ever imagine. Me, Yuki Eiri, master of one night stands actually has a heart? Yes, even I scoff at the idea of this. Someone like me doesn't deserve to have someone love them. Those nights where he's comforted me have been difficult. A great deal of the time I've lost control of my actions. I hallucinate, I panic and hyperventilate so bad I've passed out and when I've regained consciousness, I find I've hurt him. Sometimes just a scratch, other times a bruise and once I've stirred to find him on the cold, hard floor as I've knocked him out. Worst of all, I don't remember doing it. I'm so scared of hurting him. I'm terrified there'll be another death at my hands. Another death I am responsible for. He doesn't deserve to be stuck with a pitiful fool like me, and I don't deserve to be held by someone as loving and honest as him. I'll end up destroying him. One day he won't be able to cover up the marks I leave upon his body. From the inside with my mental games and on the exterior with my uncontrollable violence. And if that ever happens, I know I'd follow soon after. I'm not afraid of my own death; instead all of these years have been spent in fear of ending the life of another being that I trusted.
Author: Lovely Ostrich
Rating: NC~17
Warnings: Yuki x Shuichi and a bit of angst. References to self abuse, but not too heavy :s
Comments: I wrote this fic ages ago, but never got round typing it out. But now I have a pc! YAY! I don't know if I chose Eiri~san on purpose. I guess I just wanted to show that he's not as cold and heartless as he's made out for his own good. Please leave a review so I know what you think! Thank you!
I don't understand how he does it. He faces every new day and task with a smile on his face no matter how he feels inside, determination gleaming in his eyes. There are significant points in my life that, because of me, have also unfortunately happened to him, but it seems to have made him stronger within himself. For the first time in so long, I've felt truly wanted. Don't ask me why, for I honestly couldn't tell you. Shuichi's an idiot, but he knows what he wants and I can't seem to push him away anymore. Even for his own safety. So many a night I've woken up screaming and he'll be holding me, calming me down, whispering soothingly into my ear instead of grabbing his belongings and running out the door, abandoning me, like so many before him have done. No matter what I do or say, he's in my face telling me how much he loves me, kissing me ever so gently. It's probably the only time his voice doesn't irritate me. He's the only person that's actually attempted to love me for who the 'real' me is, no matter how hard I try and hide it and not how much money they can squander out of me or how much sex they can get before the novelty wears off. I think I've fallen for him harder than I could ever imagine. Me, Yuki Eiri, master of one night stands actually has a heart? Yes, even I scoff at the idea of this. Someone like me doesn't deserve to have someone love them. Those nights where he's comforted me have been difficult. A great deal of the time I've lost control of my actions. I hallucinate, I panic and hyperventilate so bad I've passed out and when I've regained consciousness, I find I've hurt him. Sometimes just a scratch, other times a bruise and once I've stirred to find him on the cold, hard floor as I've knocked him out. Worst of all, I don't remember doing it. I'm so scared of hurting him. I'm terrified there'll be another death at my hands. Another death I am responsible for. He doesn't deserve to be stuck with a pitiful fool like me, and I don't deserve to be held by someone as loving and honest as him. I'll end up destroying him. One day he won't be able to cover up the marks I leave upon his body. From the inside with my mental games and on the exterior with my uncontrollable violence. And if that ever happens, I know I'd follow soon after. I'm not afraid of my own death; instead all of these years have been spent in fear of ending the life of another being that I trusted.