CHAPTER THREE: A Kiss makes it Better
Disclaimer: Yada Yada Yada
A slow smile curled Nymphadora's lips, and she carefully took a sip of her wine before looking at him and saying, "Mmm, too soon for that, but maybe one day?" Her lashes fell to cover her eyes, she wasn't exactly scar free emotionally herself, and she took another drink of her wine to cover her nervousness in the meantime.
He stared at her for a moment. His eyes turning almost bubbles of gold, looking at her. He thought. Oh god. I did not just hear that. I did not. She could not want a man like me. Something flickered in his eyes, something like pain. He stood from the counter. Dumping the rest of the wine in the sink. "Sure tonks...remember to bring a slab of raw meat with you.." then walking speedily away from the kitchen..he thought to himself. She's joking, at my expense. Either that or made the words out of teasing. Either way they hurt. He moved to the living room. Staring out the window. He'd give anything right now to hear Sirius's words. To hear him giving him hell, to even see the dark little sly smile the man wore. He closed his eyes. Resting his head against the cool glass. What did she think he was, a little pet? He exhaled, trying to calm his thoughts.
Her stomach clenched, and the urge to cry welled up in her as soon as she heard his remarks. She hadn't meant to hurt him. She had no problem with him being a werewolf, wasn't that obvious by now? It wasn't like he could help it! No more than she could help that she was a metamorphmagus. Tears misted her eyes, and she swallowed hard, then raised the glass of wine to her lips, determinedly draining it before reaching for the bottle of wine. She brought it to her lips and took a swig, and then when she realised what she was doing, became appalled. Slowly, carefully, she sat the bottle back down on the counter, and slid from the stool, her head swimming slightly as she walked into the living room. She paused just inside the room, her eyes on his back, and again she fought back the urge to sob, to say quietly. "You know, i've had three relation...relationships in the past, and in every single one of them, the only reason the men wanted me was because I had the ability to look like the girl of their dreams. No one has ever wanted me for me. I KNOW YOU MISS SIRIUS!" She suddenly yelled, the alcohol having a quicker affect on her because of her body's make up. "I MISS HIM TOO!! I know you're a werewolf and I DONT BLOODY CARE! How hard is that to understand? I like you for who you are when you're not being a bloody prat, Remus!" Tears traced down her flushed cheeks. "I'm sorry..." She said as the anger left her. "I thought I was reading the signals right. That you were as interested in me as I was in you..." She shook her head, and turned quickly, only to lose her balance and fall flat on her rear. "Can't even make a dramatic exit.." She mumbled to herself, swiping at the tears that continued to fall.
He turned. When she started to talk, his eyes, like pools of golden pain. It was obvious in that moment. The man wasn't letting himself greive. Full of the belief that if he showed any weakness, it would be used against him. It mirrored in his eyes. He hadn't ever cried. Not even for his best friend. Never. He stared at her, and as she tried to walk away, he moved towards her. Crouching next to her. Running his finger over her cheek wiping away the tears. "Tonks.." the words strangely helpless. He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to feel like a bottled up time bomb. Her words about not caring about his lycanthropy, shook him. He'd never. Ever, besides his pack, had anyone say those words. Never. He stared at her as he wiped the tears from her cheek. "Tonks..you weren't messing up signals.." he tried to explain..tried to find the words.. But none came. Slowly he reached down, placing a finger across her lips. "Tonks..you don't want me, I'm not worth anything to anyone..nothing that anyone should want.." the pain that ran across his features, before he reached down, lifting her to her feet. Then turned. Like he was going to walk away.
She watched him with wide, childlike eyes as he wiped away her tears, leaning into his touch almost against her will. Hope filled her,and then crashed as he put himself down. She made sure she had her footing, and then reach out, grabbing one of his arms. "You're Remus Lupin. Mauradeer. Member of the Order of the Phoenix, One of the best teachers of Defense against the Dark Arts that Harry and the others have had since they began school." She stepped so that she placed herself in front of him, and stared at him. "You're brave. kind. caring. A good friend. You're passionate. Chivalrous." She stepped in close, and reach up on tiptoe to brush a kiss on his jaw, before swiping at the tears that refused to dry up completely. "Those are an awful lot of good things, Remus. To me they more than outweigh what you consider bad. You can't help being what you are, any more than I can help being what I am. I don't blame you for that, and I dont think any less of you for it. You're more of a man than most so called men i know."
He stared at her, heard her words, and then he sighed. "You forgot the bad things Tonks, and their's pleanty of them. " He looked at her. Not wanting to scare her, but knowing that he couldn't let her go on believing he was really like that. "I'm a coward Tonks, I'm not brave..I'm a monster, something that you've never known me as." the words choked his through. "I'm a failure, I've sat back and watched every single person I've cared about be harmed, or killed.." his gaze swam for a moment. "Good friend? Was I a good friend to Sirius? To James? To any of them? They died anyhow. " his vision blurred. As he looked down at her. But he fought it. "Passionate? A man so damn much like a hermit that he hasn't touched a woman in over five years. chivalrous? making someone as nice and good as you cry?" the words whispered. "I'm a selfish man, who can't deal with things, a murderer, a theif, and a liar.." he looked down at her hand on his arm. "I lied to them. Told them that I would always be there. I lied dammit! " the words came out of his mouth. The pain swirling in his eyes. "I wasn't there when they needed me most. I couldn't save james, couldn't save lily, couldn't even save sirius!" he shook his head. "Didn't even have any faith in him! Believed he gave them away to Voldemort.." he stared at her."That's the kind of person I am Tonks. " He stared at her. "Plus on top of that I'm a werewolf that the Ministry would prefer to have dead."
Tonks just stared at him for a long moment, wondering how he could be so blind, and how she could help him see the truth. First she dealt with the smaller things. "You didn't make me cry, first off. I made me cry, because I'd hurt you. You fought as bravely as any of us at the Department of Mysteries. You kept control enough to hold Harry back so that we wouldn't lose him. You care, Remus. Otherwise you wouldn't be concerned about the fact that I was crying." She reach for his hands, brought them up, kissing his fingertips. "You've the courage to keep on living, to fight against Voldemort." She took a deep breath, and pulled out the big guns. "Harry blames himself for Sirius death. He believes its his fault because he "Let" Voldemort trick him. Because he didnt remember the mirror. He was fooled by Kreacher, and acted purely out of love, yet Hermione has told me how much guilt he carries because of that night. Do you think that Harry was at fault?" She arched a brow, keeping hold of his hands.
He stared at her. "No..Harry's not at fault, how could he be? He was trying to save Sirius"..the word, his name, brought back a wealth of pain. Pain that he didn't think he could deal with. He bit back tears, bit them back so hard that he started to draw blood on his bottom lip. He stared at her. His eyes mirror like.His hands started to shake, and he broke his gaze away from her. Closing his eyes. Trying to regain control of that iron will of his, the part of him that refused to buckle. "Sirius was my best friend Tonks..my brother, the only person I had left that understood me. That could listen to me rant and shut me up in five words or less.." a tear finally rolled down his cheek. "I failed him. I could have done so many things to stop it. So many things. I didn't.." he clenched his teeth together refusing to cry in front of this woman. "He..was.." he shook his head. "He was Sirius, Padfoot. The person I'd known since I was 10 years old. The one that got me into trouble and made me laugh. That got me my first damn kiss.." the tears started to roll down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them. He wanted too but didn't know how now that they started. He choked out the words. "I miss him..God Tonks..I miss him.." his gaze returned to her face, so damn miserable that he thought that Crucio would feel better than what he did right now. The fight was gone out of him, all the anger. Everything. His arms limp at his sides.
It hurt her to see that he was hurting like this, but she knew it was needed. "We all make mistakes, Remus. Sirius was a great coz, but he wasn't perfect. No one is." She said gently. "You have no more reason to blame yourself than Harry does about Sirius, or about Lily and James. Hermione told me he blames himself in a way, for their deaths too. I dont know the whole deal about what went on back then, but I do know that whatever wrong you think you commited against Sirius, he didn't hold it against you." She let the tears stream down her cheeks, as she let loose of his hands and wrapped her arms around his middle, burying her face against his chest. Then she hugged him tightly, and moved her head enough to place a small kiss right over his heart. "I wish I could kiss it and make it better" She whispered.
A slow smile curled Nymphadora's lips, and she carefully took a sip of her wine before looking at him and saying, "Mmm, too soon for that, but maybe one day?" Her lashes fell to cover her eyes, she wasn't exactly scar free emotionally herself, and she took another drink of her wine to cover her nervousness in the meantime.
He stared at her for a moment. His eyes turning almost bubbles of gold, looking at her. He thought. Oh god. I did not just hear that. I did not. She could not want a man like me. Something flickered in his eyes, something like pain. He stood from the counter. Dumping the rest of the wine in the sink. "Sure tonks...remember to bring a slab of raw meat with you.." then walking speedily away from the kitchen..he thought to himself. She's joking, at my expense. Either that or made the words out of teasing. Either way they hurt. He moved to the living room. Staring out the window. He'd give anything right now to hear Sirius's words. To hear him giving him hell, to even see the dark little sly smile the man wore. He closed his eyes. Resting his head against the cool glass. What did she think he was, a little pet? He exhaled, trying to calm his thoughts.
Her stomach clenched, and the urge to cry welled up in her as soon as she heard his remarks. She hadn't meant to hurt him. She had no problem with him being a werewolf, wasn't that obvious by now? It wasn't like he could help it! No more than she could help that she was a metamorphmagus. Tears misted her eyes, and she swallowed hard, then raised the glass of wine to her lips, determinedly draining it before reaching for the bottle of wine. She brought it to her lips and took a swig, and then when she realised what she was doing, became appalled. Slowly, carefully, she sat the bottle back down on the counter, and slid from the stool, her head swimming slightly as she walked into the living room. She paused just inside the room, her eyes on his back, and again she fought back the urge to sob, to say quietly. "You know, i've had three relation...relationships in the past, and in every single one of them, the only reason the men wanted me was because I had the ability to look like the girl of their dreams. No one has ever wanted me for me. I KNOW YOU MISS SIRIUS!" She suddenly yelled, the alcohol having a quicker affect on her because of her body's make up. "I MISS HIM TOO!! I know you're a werewolf and I DONT BLOODY CARE! How hard is that to understand? I like you for who you are when you're not being a bloody prat, Remus!" Tears traced down her flushed cheeks. "I'm sorry..." She said as the anger left her. "I thought I was reading the signals right. That you were as interested in me as I was in you..." She shook her head, and turned quickly, only to lose her balance and fall flat on her rear. "Can't even make a dramatic exit.." She mumbled to herself, swiping at the tears that continued to fall.
He turned. When she started to talk, his eyes, like pools of golden pain. It was obvious in that moment. The man wasn't letting himself greive. Full of the belief that if he showed any weakness, it would be used against him. It mirrored in his eyes. He hadn't ever cried. Not even for his best friend. Never. He stared at her, and as she tried to walk away, he moved towards her. Crouching next to her. Running his finger over her cheek wiping away the tears. "Tonks.." the words strangely helpless. He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to feel like a bottled up time bomb. Her words about not caring about his lycanthropy, shook him. He'd never. Ever, besides his pack, had anyone say those words. Never. He stared at her as he wiped the tears from her cheek. "Tonks..you weren't messing up signals.." he tried to explain..tried to find the words.. But none came. Slowly he reached down, placing a finger across her lips. "Tonks..you don't want me, I'm not worth anything to anyone..nothing that anyone should want.." the pain that ran across his features, before he reached down, lifting her to her feet. Then turned. Like he was going to walk away.
She watched him with wide, childlike eyes as he wiped away her tears, leaning into his touch almost against her will. Hope filled her,and then crashed as he put himself down. She made sure she had her footing, and then reach out, grabbing one of his arms. "You're Remus Lupin. Mauradeer. Member of the Order of the Phoenix, One of the best teachers of Defense against the Dark Arts that Harry and the others have had since they began school." She stepped so that she placed herself in front of him, and stared at him. "You're brave. kind. caring. A good friend. You're passionate. Chivalrous." She stepped in close, and reach up on tiptoe to brush a kiss on his jaw, before swiping at the tears that refused to dry up completely. "Those are an awful lot of good things, Remus. To me they more than outweigh what you consider bad. You can't help being what you are, any more than I can help being what I am. I don't blame you for that, and I dont think any less of you for it. You're more of a man than most so called men i know."
He stared at her, heard her words, and then he sighed. "You forgot the bad things Tonks, and their's pleanty of them. " He looked at her. Not wanting to scare her, but knowing that he couldn't let her go on believing he was really like that. "I'm a coward Tonks, I'm not brave..I'm a monster, something that you've never known me as." the words choked his through. "I'm a failure, I've sat back and watched every single person I've cared about be harmed, or killed.." his gaze swam for a moment. "Good friend? Was I a good friend to Sirius? To James? To any of them? They died anyhow. " his vision blurred. As he looked down at her. But he fought it. "Passionate? A man so damn much like a hermit that he hasn't touched a woman in over five years. chivalrous? making someone as nice and good as you cry?" the words whispered. "I'm a selfish man, who can't deal with things, a murderer, a theif, and a liar.." he looked down at her hand on his arm. "I lied to them. Told them that I would always be there. I lied dammit! " the words came out of his mouth. The pain swirling in his eyes. "I wasn't there when they needed me most. I couldn't save james, couldn't save lily, couldn't even save sirius!" he shook his head. "Didn't even have any faith in him! Believed he gave them away to Voldemort.." he stared at her."That's the kind of person I am Tonks. " He stared at her. "Plus on top of that I'm a werewolf that the Ministry would prefer to have dead."
Tonks just stared at him for a long moment, wondering how he could be so blind, and how she could help him see the truth. First she dealt with the smaller things. "You didn't make me cry, first off. I made me cry, because I'd hurt you. You fought as bravely as any of us at the Department of Mysteries. You kept control enough to hold Harry back so that we wouldn't lose him. You care, Remus. Otherwise you wouldn't be concerned about the fact that I was crying." She reach for his hands, brought them up, kissing his fingertips. "You've the courage to keep on living, to fight against Voldemort." She took a deep breath, and pulled out the big guns. "Harry blames himself for Sirius death. He believes its his fault because he "Let" Voldemort trick him. Because he didnt remember the mirror. He was fooled by Kreacher, and acted purely out of love, yet Hermione has told me how much guilt he carries because of that night. Do you think that Harry was at fault?" She arched a brow, keeping hold of his hands.
He stared at her. "No..Harry's not at fault, how could he be? He was trying to save Sirius"..the word, his name, brought back a wealth of pain. Pain that he didn't think he could deal with. He bit back tears, bit them back so hard that he started to draw blood on his bottom lip. He stared at her. His eyes mirror like.His hands started to shake, and he broke his gaze away from her. Closing his eyes. Trying to regain control of that iron will of his, the part of him that refused to buckle. "Sirius was my best friend Tonks..my brother, the only person I had left that understood me. That could listen to me rant and shut me up in five words or less.." a tear finally rolled down his cheek. "I failed him. I could have done so many things to stop it. So many things. I didn't.." he clenched his teeth together refusing to cry in front of this woman. "He..was.." he shook his head. "He was Sirius, Padfoot. The person I'd known since I was 10 years old. The one that got me into trouble and made me laugh. That got me my first damn kiss.." the tears started to roll down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them. He wanted too but didn't know how now that they started. He choked out the words. "I miss him..God Tonks..I miss him.." his gaze returned to her face, so damn miserable that he thought that Crucio would feel better than what he did right now. The fight was gone out of him, all the anger. Everything. His arms limp at his sides.
It hurt her to see that he was hurting like this, but she knew it was needed. "We all make mistakes, Remus. Sirius was a great coz, but he wasn't perfect. No one is." She said gently. "You have no more reason to blame yourself than Harry does about Sirius, or about Lily and James. Hermione told me he blames himself in a way, for their deaths too. I dont know the whole deal about what went on back then, but I do know that whatever wrong you think you commited against Sirius, he didn't hold it against you." She let the tears stream down her cheeks, as she let loose of his hands and wrapped her arms around his middle, burying her face against his chest. Then she hugged him tightly, and moved her head enough to place a small kiss right over his heart. "I wish I could kiss it and make it better" She whispered.