Chapter Four: Not Perfect, Just me
Disclaimer: you should know it by now
Those words seemed to strike him, strike him in the middle of the chest. He let her wrap her arms around him. Didn't even realize he was holding her back. "What am I supposed to do now Tonks? Without him?" the words a whisper. "I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like I'm constantly walking around lost.." the tears rolled down his cheeks. Tears that he didn't know he had to cry. Tell she proved it to him. He lead her towards the couch, not even letting go of her, careful to not make her trip. Then pulled her down next to him. Just needing someone near him. Someone willing to hold onto him while he tried to make sense of it. "I feel guilty because I could have stopped it before it happened.." he whispered, this was part of something he'd never told anyone. "I could have believed him, he was my brother. I should have realized that he couldn't do that to James and Lily, I should have known something was up. I should have made sure James and Lily where safe. Their is so much that I should have done." he sighed. "Even when he escaped, I didn't believe him at first. Didn't believe that he hadn't done it. Harry had to prove it to me. I should have believed him. " the words soft. "Instead I turned my head, believed what they said.." more tears rolled. "I know it's stupid to feel guilty for it, but I can't help it. I can't help feeling like I failed him. When the attack came at the Ministry, I should have been more alert. I was tired. Maybe I could have changed things.." finally he took a shuddering breath. "Wait.." his voice slight. He swallowed hard, "your right"he shook his head. "How stupid can I get, blaming myself for stuff like this..simply cause I can't deal with the fact that they are gone..that I'll never see Sirius laugh, or see him hug Harry again." the words where quiet, introspective. His tears starting to dry on his cheeks.
Tonks snuggled up against him, holding him listening to his words, sorrow continuing to fill her, but then pride when he seemed to snap out of the self-blame bit. "You know..." She said after a moment. "Harry needs a male role-model, and someone to talk to about his parents....He needs you Remus...." She looked at him. "He needs to see someone that lives their life, so that he'll keep hope...and.." The wine was starting to make her a little drowsy, and the tears hadn't helped any either. She turned her head and kissed his chest again. "You need Harry. Remus and Harry. Not Remus trying to be anyone else, just Remus being Remus..." A yawn overtook her, and she wriggled around until she was more comfortable, without once ever moving from being snuggled up with him. "Everyone needs friends."
He watched her yawn, caressed her cheek. Quietly he started to smooth her hair away. "Tonks.." he said quietly. "I don't think I'd like you any other way.." he looked down at the drowsey woman. "Those other men, they where fools. Your perfect how you are.." He slid so that he was more comfortable as well, but so that he could still rest his head by her hair. Blinking blurry exhausted eyes. He leaned foreward, long enough to press a kiss to her forehead, before leaning back on his arm, rubing her hair slightly. She'd done what no one else had. Besides Harry. She'd gotten through his armor, wiggled her way underneath. Part of him wanted to be resentful, but then he saw how she curled up against him.
"M'not perfect...m'Tonks." She murmured as her eyelids drifted shut, and with one last small yawn and content-sounding sigh, she fell asleep.
He watched her as she drifted off, snuggling his arm around her waist. "Your tonks, and I think your perfect the way you are.." he whispered to the sleeping woman in his arms. Then he pressed his face against that strangely beautiful hair of his, feeling his own exhaustion creeping up, and willingly accepted it, drifting off to sleep.
Those words seemed to strike him, strike him in the middle of the chest. He let her wrap her arms around him. Didn't even realize he was holding her back. "What am I supposed to do now Tonks? Without him?" the words a whisper. "I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like I'm constantly walking around lost.." the tears rolled down his cheeks. Tears that he didn't know he had to cry. Tell she proved it to him. He lead her towards the couch, not even letting go of her, careful to not make her trip. Then pulled her down next to him. Just needing someone near him. Someone willing to hold onto him while he tried to make sense of it. "I feel guilty because I could have stopped it before it happened.." he whispered, this was part of something he'd never told anyone. "I could have believed him, he was my brother. I should have realized that he couldn't do that to James and Lily, I should have known something was up. I should have made sure James and Lily where safe. Their is so much that I should have done." he sighed. "Even when he escaped, I didn't believe him at first. Didn't believe that he hadn't done it. Harry had to prove it to me. I should have believed him. " the words soft. "Instead I turned my head, believed what they said.." more tears rolled. "I know it's stupid to feel guilty for it, but I can't help it. I can't help feeling like I failed him. When the attack came at the Ministry, I should have been more alert. I was tired. Maybe I could have changed things.." finally he took a shuddering breath. "Wait.." his voice slight. He swallowed hard, "your right"he shook his head. "How stupid can I get, blaming myself for stuff like this..simply cause I can't deal with the fact that they are gone..that I'll never see Sirius laugh, or see him hug Harry again." the words where quiet, introspective. His tears starting to dry on his cheeks.
Tonks snuggled up against him, holding him listening to his words, sorrow continuing to fill her, but then pride when he seemed to snap out of the self-blame bit. "You know..." She said after a moment. "Harry needs a male role-model, and someone to talk to about his parents....He needs you Remus...." She looked at him. "He needs to see someone that lives their life, so that he'll keep hope...and.." The wine was starting to make her a little drowsy, and the tears hadn't helped any either. She turned her head and kissed his chest again. "You need Harry. Remus and Harry. Not Remus trying to be anyone else, just Remus being Remus..." A yawn overtook her, and she wriggled around until she was more comfortable, without once ever moving from being snuggled up with him. "Everyone needs friends."
He watched her yawn, caressed her cheek. Quietly he started to smooth her hair away. "Tonks.." he said quietly. "I don't think I'd like you any other way.." he looked down at the drowsey woman. "Those other men, they where fools. Your perfect how you are.." He slid so that he was more comfortable as well, but so that he could still rest his head by her hair. Blinking blurry exhausted eyes. He leaned foreward, long enough to press a kiss to her forehead, before leaning back on his arm, rubing her hair slightly. She'd done what no one else had. Besides Harry. She'd gotten through his armor, wiggled her way underneath. Part of him wanted to be resentful, but then he saw how she curled up against him.
"M'not perfect...m'Tonks." She murmured as her eyelids drifted shut, and with one last small yawn and content-sounding sigh, she fell asleep.
He watched her as she drifted off, snuggling his arm around her waist. "Your tonks, and I think your perfect the way you are.." he whispered to the sleeping woman in his arms. Then he pressed his face against that strangely beautiful hair of his, feeling his own exhaustion creeping up, and willingly accepted it, drifting off to sleep.