Retribution, part 3
"Fighting for Understanding"
Summary: Two months after Steve overheard his father and Jesse on the patio, he's finally found an outlet for his jealousy...
A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews...after a week on my 'death bed' fighting a severe bout of Meneare's I am finally posting part 3 and while I finally have a definite idea where I want to take the rest of the story (yes more Steve angst on the way, and from a devoted Jesse fan no less...*gasp*) it will be awhile before part four is posted...sorry! Any suggestions from Steve fans, or Jesse ones, for some hurtin' they'd like to see delivered to our boys', feel free to drop a line!!!!!
Saavik...like your penname (wouldn't happen to be a Trekkie would we?)...and as for "flaming" reviews, rest assured they do not offend me in the least...I am actually amused by them and do not hesitate to write or post because of them but rather in "SPITE" of them! I write for me and for fans like you who know this is an amateur site and accept the inherent flaws made by amateur fic writers. Thanks again ;)
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CGH
Doctors Lounge
"You're going to do what? Where?" Jesse exclaimed, nearly dropping the coffee pot that was in his hand.
"I'm going on an undercover." Steve stated again, adding innocently. "Thought my doctor would be happy I'm finally recovered and can get back to my normal duties."
The young doctor slowly replaced the coffee pot and turned to look at his friend in utter disbelief. "You cannot seriously be considering taking this assignment?"
"Excuse me." Steve remarked impatiently. "There some reason I shouldn't?"
"Some reason you shouldn't...I can think of plenty." Jesse exclaimed, adding. "Why in the world would you accept an assignment like this right now?"
"Gee, I don't know Jess, maybe because it's just come up and it's my job. Criminals don't exactly synchronize their calendars with when it would be convenient for us to catch them." Steve said sarcastically.
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Jesse shot back, not giving in to Steve's sarcasm. "Why would the Chief assign you this particular undercover assignment---after everything that has happened in the last six months---I'm sure there are other cops just as qualified. Is it because you wouldn't accept his job offer to the task force two months ago?"
"No, Jess, it's nothing like that." Steve sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Like you'd tell me even if it was." Jesse answered petulantly.
"Jess, it's just a normal undercover, the longest it would go would be a few weeks." Steve said casually.
"Just an undercover! Just an und..." Jesse was so stunned by Steve's casual attitude towards this assignment he could barely speak. "I cannot believe you said that; that you would really believe that! You are just barely off desk duty and..."
Steve shoved his chair back angrily and stood towering over the younger man, poking his finger into Jesse's chest to punctuate his angry words. "*Are you trying to say I can't handle this assignment?*"
"That's not what I said..." Jesse defended, backing up from his friend
Steve continued to back the young man against the wall as his angry tirade continued. "Do you and my dad think I can put my life on hold indefinitely. You are the one who released me back to work and my normal duties...unless your now suddenly unsure of *your* skills, too--Doctor Travis...maybe I should get a second opinion?"
Though taken back by his friend's uncharacteristic show of anger and cruelty, Jesse did not back down from the angry man. "As your *chosen* doctor of record Detective Sloan, I did release you, for normal and routine police duties-- but not for..."
"So you don't think I can handle it." Steve again accused.
"What! What is going on with you?" Jesse shot back, ducking around Steve to stand in the middle of the lounge.
"There's nothing going on with me that couldn't be taken care of with a lot less interference from you, Doctor!" Steve accused.
Stunned, Jesse took a step back. "Interference? Is that what you call saving the life of a friend...and trying to keep him alive and in one piece."
His own anger building at Steve's continued callousness he got up in the larger man's space and poked his finger square in the detectives broad chest. "And for your information... my objections to this assignment have nothing to do with whether or not you can handle the assignment; its about *you*, you voluntarily going into a prison, after everything that's happened, have you even considered what this will do to your dad?"
"Hold it right their Jesse," Steve warned menacingly. "This has absolutely nothing to do with my father--it's my job."
"Fine, if it's just a job, have you told him yet?" Jesse snapped back angrily.
"I don't need my father's permission." Steve ground out.
"What is it with you? Why have you been acting so...so..."
"So what?" Steve snapped, his tone challenging. "Just how have I been acting?"
"Just listen to yourself! You've been on edge lately, you've been snapping at everyone for the least little thing. And now you take an assignment you know will unduly upset your father. For gods sake Steve, I just got you functioning...your dad is just getting back to his old self again..." Jesse explained carefully.
"Oh, spare me." Steve snapped angrily, venom dripping off his next words. "I'm sure you won't be to far from my dad to see him through this latest *trauma*."
Jesse gasped, falling back a step as if he'd been slapped. "What did you say?"
"You heard me." Steve spat out, watching the reactions of hurt and shock play over the younger man's face.
Steve had never intended to give verbalization to the feelings of guilt and remorse; (and, had he been willing to admit to himself, jealousy); that had been building steadily over the last two months since that night he overheard his father and Jesse on the patio, sharing a bond that he would never be a part, and now that it was out he wanted Jesse to feel in his pain.
"I heard you, I just don't understand why would you say such a hateful thing?" Jesse asked, his voice quiet and rough by the maliciousness in his friend's tone. "Your father is my friend...you're my friend, I hope I can be there for either of you when you need me. Gods, Steve, if I didn't know any better...you all most sound...jealous?"
Steve let out a dry, course laugh that was anything but mirthful. "Jealous? Of you? Give me a break Travis. What in the world would I have to be jealous of in you?"
Eyes wide with disbelief Jesse could only exclaim. "My god, that's it isn't it--you're jealous! Of what? Because I was able to give your father a little bit of comfort the last two months...give him someone to talk to, to help him get past some of his nightmares. Gods, Steve, if anything I wish I wasn't the one to be able to help him..."
"And you wouldn't be the one either...if it wasn't for me...dad went to prison because of me..." Steve yelled. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?"
"Not because of you...because of what someone else did; and because he loves you." Jesse said, desperately trying to get Steve to see reason. "I wish none of this had ever happened...that you had never got shot, that your father hadn't gone to prison because of something he didn't do...you think I'm glad that we share something so horrific as what its like to be in prison!"
"But it was you, wasn't it; because of me, again, because I arrested you...I locked you up for murder..." Steve snapped out angrily.
Jesse turned from his friend and slumped onto the nearest couch, overwhelmed by the amount of guilt and anger that his friend had been carrying around with him all this time.
As he watched Jesse slump down into the couch, putting his head in his hands, he also saw the young man's shoulders begin to shake and Steve's anger was immediately replaced with concern. "God, Jesse! Jesse, are you all right? I'm so sorry, I never meant..."
Going to kneel by his distraught friend Steve pulled up suddenly, dumbfounded by what he heard. "Jesse, are...are you...laughing?"
Jesse looked up, tears streaking his face as he tried to reign in his uncontrollable laughter. "I'm s...sor...sorry...S...Ste...ve...I juuu...I just... can't... can't help it..."
"I think I need to call someone?" Steve asked, his concern for his friend's sanity growing. "Why, are you...laughing?"
"Because...because of you..." Jesse said, shaking his head.
Crossing his arms and frowning, Steve shot back. "I'm so glad I can provide you with so much amusement."
Wiping his face, Jesse sat back to look up at his friend, quickly interjecting. "No Steve...you my friend have cornered the market on guilt...I don't believe you sometimes..."
Totally confused and still fearing for Jesse's sanity Steve just shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment. "What are you talking about Jesse?"
"Steve...look at me--do you really think I blame you for what happened to me?" Jesse asked, suddenly serious.
"But I..."
"But nothing...you did your job, I can't say that I wasn't surprised and even a little bit hurt, but you had a job to do and I would never want you to get in trouble because of me." Jesse said earnestly.
"But I should have done something...tried harder..."
"Tried harder and done what? What could you have done different." Jesse pressed. "I think you did a great job..."
Steve just rolled his eyes. "How can you say that? You were arrested for gods sakes, you were in jail for almost six weeks!"
"But my friend, the detective, didn't give up on me...didn't believe for a minute I was guilty and never stopped trying to prove my innocence." Jesse countered.
Steve just shook his head wearily and collapsed into the other couch.
Jesse stood up and went to sit on the small table to face his friend on the couch. "I don't blame you...you didn't set me up, you didn't plant the evidence...and it wasn't your fault you got shot or that your father was framed...it happened...its over, and we all need to move on."
"God, Jess, how did everything get like this--so messed up?" Steve said tiredly, noting the sudden gleam in his friend's eyes he quickly added. "Don't answer that!"
Jesse just let out a snort and shook his head.
"I am sorry...I should never have said those things. You are a good friend...to me and my day..." Steve said earnestly, adding with a grin, "...and, yeah, I guess a pretty good doctor too."
"Nice to hear it pal." Jess rebuked with a laugh, adding with a little more seriousness. "However, it's really not my forgiveness you need my friend...it's your own; it's time to let yourself off the hook--for everything. No more blame...no more misplaced guilt..."
"Well..."
"Okay, no more blame and less guilt." Jesse amended.
"That I think I can handle." Steve said with nod of his head. Holding out his hand he said. "Friends again."
"Again? We never stopped." Jesse said, returning the handshake.
Noticing he time, Steve sighed loudly. "Damn, I need to get back to the station."
"What's the hurry? What about lunch? Your dad should be done with his rounds soon, you always eat here on 'pigs-in-a-blanket day'." Jesse asked
"Can't wait any longer, got a briefing at two." Steve replied, ignoring the barb against his culinary tastes as he headed for the door.
"For what? You have a new case? Need any help?" Jesse asked eagerly.
"Uh...it's for my new assignment." Steve answered reluctantly as he went out the lounge door.
"What! Steve, I thought we had this settled?" Jesse exclaimed, following his friend out into the hallway.
"What exactly was there to settle Jess, I have a new case...that's pretty much it." Steve said, not turning to look at his friend as they came to a stop at the elevator.
"A new case that has you going undercover in the psychiatric ward of the federal prison." Jesse exclaimed in a low voice.
"Jess..." Steve didn't really know what else to say to his friend to make him understand.
Jesse just shook his head and held up his hands in defeat. "You know what...fine...go! Play your nutcase undercover whatever...why should I be worrying anyway...you'll fit right in with the rest of the patients anyway."
"Thanks...hey, wait...what?" Steve's relief that his friend finally understood was short lived when his friend's words caught up to him as the elevator doors were closing. "What do you mean--'I should fit right in?'-- Jess...Jesse......"
Jesse just shook his head and turned from the closed elevator. "If there's anything left of you when Mark finds out that is!"
TBA??????????
"Fighting for Understanding"
Summary: Two months after Steve overheard his father and Jesse on the patio, he's finally found an outlet for his jealousy...
A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews...after a week on my 'death bed' fighting a severe bout of Meneare's I am finally posting part 3 and while I finally have a definite idea where I want to take the rest of the story (yes more Steve angst on the way, and from a devoted Jesse fan no less...*gasp*) it will be awhile before part four is posted...sorry! Any suggestions from Steve fans, or Jesse ones, for some hurtin' they'd like to see delivered to our boys', feel free to drop a line!!!!!
Saavik...like your penname (wouldn't happen to be a Trekkie would we?)...and as for "flaming" reviews, rest assured they do not offend me in the least...I am actually amused by them and do not hesitate to write or post because of them but rather in "SPITE" of them! I write for me and for fans like you who know this is an amateur site and accept the inherent flaws made by amateur fic writers. Thanks again ;)
=======================
CGH
Doctors Lounge
"You're going to do what? Where?" Jesse exclaimed, nearly dropping the coffee pot that was in his hand.
"I'm going on an undercover." Steve stated again, adding innocently. "Thought my doctor would be happy I'm finally recovered and can get back to my normal duties."
The young doctor slowly replaced the coffee pot and turned to look at his friend in utter disbelief. "You cannot seriously be considering taking this assignment?"
"Excuse me." Steve remarked impatiently. "There some reason I shouldn't?"
"Some reason you shouldn't...I can think of plenty." Jesse exclaimed, adding. "Why in the world would you accept an assignment like this right now?"
"Gee, I don't know Jess, maybe because it's just come up and it's my job. Criminals don't exactly synchronize their calendars with when it would be convenient for us to catch them." Steve said sarcastically.
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Jesse shot back, not giving in to Steve's sarcasm. "Why would the Chief assign you this particular undercover assignment---after everything that has happened in the last six months---I'm sure there are other cops just as qualified. Is it because you wouldn't accept his job offer to the task force two months ago?"
"No, Jess, it's nothing like that." Steve sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Like you'd tell me even if it was." Jesse answered petulantly.
"Jess, it's just a normal undercover, the longest it would go would be a few weeks." Steve said casually.
"Just an undercover! Just an und..." Jesse was so stunned by Steve's casual attitude towards this assignment he could barely speak. "I cannot believe you said that; that you would really believe that! You are just barely off desk duty and..."
Steve shoved his chair back angrily and stood towering over the younger man, poking his finger into Jesse's chest to punctuate his angry words. "*Are you trying to say I can't handle this assignment?*"
"That's not what I said..." Jesse defended, backing up from his friend
Steve continued to back the young man against the wall as his angry tirade continued. "Do you and my dad think I can put my life on hold indefinitely. You are the one who released me back to work and my normal duties...unless your now suddenly unsure of *your* skills, too--Doctor Travis...maybe I should get a second opinion?"
Though taken back by his friend's uncharacteristic show of anger and cruelty, Jesse did not back down from the angry man. "As your *chosen* doctor of record Detective Sloan, I did release you, for normal and routine police duties-- but not for..."
"So you don't think I can handle it." Steve again accused.
"What! What is going on with you?" Jesse shot back, ducking around Steve to stand in the middle of the lounge.
"There's nothing going on with me that couldn't be taken care of with a lot less interference from you, Doctor!" Steve accused.
Stunned, Jesse took a step back. "Interference? Is that what you call saving the life of a friend...and trying to keep him alive and in one piece."
His own anger building at Steve's continued callousness he got up in the larger man's space and poked his finger square in the detectives broad chest. "And for your information... my objections to this assignment have nothing to do with whether or not you can handle the assignment; its about *you*, you voluntarily going into a prison, after everything that's happened, have you even considered what this will do to your dad?"
"Hold it right their Jesse," Steve warned menacingly. "This has absolutely nothing to do with my father--it's my job."
"Fine, if it's just a job, have you told him yet?" Jesse snapped back angrily.
"I don't need my father's permission." Steve ground out.
"What is it with you? Why have you been acting so...so..."
"So what?" Steve snapped, his tone challenging. "Just how have I been acting?"
"Just listen to yourself! You've been on edge lately, you've been snapping at everyone for the least little thing. And now you take an assignment you know will unduly upset your father. For gods sake Steve, I just got you functioning...your dad is just getting back to his old self again..." Jesse explained carefully.
"Oh, spare me." Steve snapped angrily, venom dripping off his next words. "I'm sure you won't be to far from my dad to see him through this latest *trauma*."
Jesse gasped, falling back a step as if he'd been slapped. "What did you say?"
"You heard me." Steve spat out, watching the reactions of hurt and shock play over the younger man's face.
Steve had never intended to give verbalization to the feelings of guilt and remorse; (and, had he been willing to admit to himself, jealousy); that had been building steadily over the last two months since that night he overheard his father and Jesse on the patio, sharing a bond that he would never be a part, and now that it was out he wanted Jesse to feel in his pain.
"I heard you, I just don't understand why would you say such a hateful thing?" Jesse asked, his voice quiet and rough by the maliciousness in his friend's tone. "Your father is my friend...you're my friend, I hope I can be there for either of you when you need me. Gods, Steve, if I didn't know any better...you all most sound...jealous?"
Steve let out a dry, course laugh that was anything but mirthful. "Jealous? Of you? Give me a break Travis. What in the world would I have to be jealous of in you?"
Eyes wide with disbelief Jesse could only exclaim. "My god, that's it isn't it--you're jealous! Of what? Because I was able to give your father a little bit of comfort the last two months...give him someone to talk to, to help him get past some of his nightmares. Gods, Steve, if anything I wish I wasn't the one to be able to help him..."
"And you wouldn't be the one either...if it wasn't for me...dad went to prison because of me..." Steve yelled. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?"
"Not because of you...because of what someone else did; and because he loves you." Jesse said, desperately trying to get Steve to see reason. "I wish none of this had ever happened...that you had never got shot, that your father hadn't gone to prison because of something he didn't do...you think I'm glad that we share something so horrific as what its like to be in prison!"
"But it was you, wasn't it; because of me, again, because I arrested you...I locked you up for murder..." Steve snapped out angrily.
Jesse turned from his friend and slumped onto the nearest couch, overwhelmed by the amount of guilt and anger that his friend had been carrying around with him all this time.
As he watched Jesse slump down into the couch, putting his head in his hands, he also saw the young man's shoulders begin to shake and Steve's anger was immediately replaced with concern. "God, Jesse! Jesse, are you all right? I'm so sorry, I never meant..."
Going to kneel by his distraught friend Steve pulled up suddenly, dumbfounded by what he heard. "Jesse, are...are you...laughing?"
Jesse looked up, tears streaking his face as he tried to reign in his uncontrollable laughter. "I'm s...sor...sorry...S...Ste...ve...I juuu...I just... can't... can't help it..."
"I think I need to call someone?" Steve asked, his concern for his friend's sanity growing. "Why, are you...laughing?"
"Because...because of you..." Jesse said, shaking his head.
Crossing his arms and frowning, Steve shot back. "I'm so glad I can provide you with so much amusement."
Wiping his face, Jesse sat back to look up at his friend, quickly interjecting. "No Steve...you my friend have cornered the market on guilt...I don't believe you sometimes..."
Totally confused and still fearing for Jesse's sanity Steve just shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment. "What are you talking about Jesse?"
"Steve...look at me--do you really think I blame you for what happened to me?" Jesse asked, suddenly serious.
"But I..."
"But nothing...you did your job, I can't say that I wasn't surprised and even a little bit hurt, but you had a job to do and I would never want you to get in trouble because of me." Jesse said earnestly.
"But I should have done something...tried harder..."
"Tried harder and done what? What could you have done different." Jesse pressed. "I think you did a great job..."
Steve just rolled his eyes. "How can you say that? You were arrested for gods sakes, you were in jail for almost six weeks!"
"But my friend, the detective, didn't give up on me...didn't believe for a minute I was guilty and never stopped trying to prove my innocence." Jesse countered.
Steve just shook his head wearily and collapsed into the other couch.
Jesse stood up and went to sit on the small table to face his friend on the couch. "I don't blame you...you didn't set me up, you didn't plant the evidence...and it wasn't your fault you got shot or that your father was framed...it happened...its over, and we all need to move on."
"God, Jess, how did everything get like this--so messed up?" Steve said tiredly, noting the sudden gleam in his friend's eyes he quickly added. "Don't answer that!"
Jesse just let out a snort and shook his head.
"I am sorry...I should never have said those things. You are a good friend...to me and my day..." Steve said earnestly, adding with a grin, "...and, yeah, I guess a pretty good doctor too."
"Nice to hear it pal." Jess rebuked with a laugh, adding with a little more seriousness. "However, it's really not my forgiveness you need my friend...it's your own; it's time to let yourself off the hook--for everything. No more blame...no more misplaced guilt..."
"Well..."
"Okay, no more blame and less guilt." Jesse amended.
"That I think I can handle." Steve said with nod of his head. Holding out his hand he said. "Friends again."
"Again? We never stopped." Jesse said, returning the handshake.
Noticing he time, Steve sighed loudly. "Damn, I need to get back to the station."
"What's the hurry? What about lunch? Your dad should be done with his rounds soon, you always eat here on 'pigs-in-a-blanket day'." Jesse asked
"Can't wait any longer, got a briefing at two." Steve replied, ignoring the barb against his culinary tastes as he headed for the door.
"For what? You have a new case? Need any help?" Jesse asked eagerly.
"Uh...it's for my new assignment." Steve answered reluctantly as he went out the lounge door.
"What! Steve, I thought we had this settled?" Jesse exclaimed, following his friend out into the hallway.
"What exactly was there to settle Jess, I have a new case...that's pretty much it." Steve said, not turning to look at his friend as they came to a stop at the elevator.
"A new case that has you going undercover in the psychiatric ward of the federal prison." Jesse exclaimed in a low voice.
"Jess..." Steve didn't really know what else to say to his friend to make him understand.
Jesse just shook his head and held up his hands in defeat. "You know what...fine...go! Play your nutcase undercover whatever...why should I be worrying anyway...you'll fit right in with the rest of the patients anyway."
"Thanks...hey, wait...what?" Steve's relief that his friend finally understood was short lived when his friend's words caught up to him as the elevator doors were closing. "What do you mean--'I should fit right in?'-- Jess...Jesse......"
Jesse just shook his head and turned from the closed elevator. "If there's anything left of you when Mark finds out that is!"
TBA??????????