Disclaimer: I don't own anything. J.K. Rowling is the one who owns it all with her billions and billions of dollars...
A/N: Well, not as long of a wait as the last time, huh? I'm v. proud of myself for actually continuing this. Usually I would have given up on it a long time ago. Thanks to all of you who have stuck with it too, reading and reviewing. You guys...*tear*...you are my heroes. My *tear* inspiration for writing. Thanks.
Summary: Stuck in Draco's morbid fantasy world, the gang must battle their way out of his demented show and try to survive the wrath of a crazy murderer, who we have figured out is NOT, I repeat, NOT Neville. Thank you. Have a good day.
Author: I go by many names, but most recently Punk up the Volume
Title: The Draco Malfoy Show
Rating: PG-13, for some...naughty bits I felt I couldn't resist. Also thematic elements (Harry in a dress, Neville is a sheet. Draco...just Draco).
The Draco Malfoy Show
Chapter Six
Today's Episode:
Narrator: We rejoin our heroes at a time of panic. With Neville as their new Hermione, sexual tension has grown amongst the group...
Neville: I said no, Ron!
Ron: (wide, seducing grin) I'm just being friendly-like.
Neville: Pinching my butt is not being friendly-like! It's sexual harrassment!
Ron: (pouting) No need to get all technical.
Narrator: Neville nervously moves to the front of crowd, anxious to get awa from his attacker.
Neville: What's with the disembodied voice?
Ginny: (sighing) I dunno, it's just some guy who keeps following us around and darting into the shadows whenever we turn around.
(Neville turns around and a small figure darts into the shadows)
Neville: (Shrugs) Hmmm.
Draco: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Harry: Yeah! Are we there yet? Wait...where are we going?
Narrator: Everyone stops and stares at Ginny, obviously the pillar of mental ability in the group.
Neville and Ron: Hey!
Draco: (nodding) True.
Sheep: Baa. (Bow down to my superior genius puny humans!)
Draco: That sheep is still here? I thought it disappeared in the fifth chapter.
Ginny: Unfortunately, neither did Harry.
(Everyone turns to Harry)
Harry: (looks up to see everyone staring at him) Hey! Ever thrown rocks at cops?
Neville: What the...
Ginny: Forget it. He's on his own wavelength.
Harry: Guess what! Once, I ran out in the rain! With my socks on! Great, huh?
Draco: Obviously, Harry's in no fit way to continue on our journey. Who votes we kill him?
(Nobody raises their hand. Neville starts to, but then, after a glare from Ginny, lowers.)
Narrator: I'm with you.
Draco: Sigh.
Sheep: (Arguing with Harry) Baa!
Harry: Baa yourself!
Sheep: Baa! (Screw you)
Harry: You know what I'm hungry for? Lambchops!
Sheep: Baa! (Take this you ****!)
(Sheep bites Harry in the crotch)
Harry: (Crying out in pain) Ahhh!!!
(Attacks sheep with his sheepherder's crook but misses)
Draco: Well, isn't that special. But that doesn't give me the answer to my question. Where are we going?
Ginny: Well, obviously we arew headed...um, well the stars point south, right...to the left...which side does moss grow on trees?
Neville: We are so screwed...
Ron: Speaking of being screwed... (moves toward Neville and starts stroking his arm)
Neville: No! (distaches himself from Ron and grabs onto Ginny's arm.
Ginny: I know exactly where we are going! We are trying to find the script and get ourselves out of this mess.
Narrator: I feel a bit useless.
Harry: That's what my friends call me. (Harry nods)
Draco: So, basically, we're wandering around aimlessly hoping that a sign will fall in our laps.
Ginny: Essentially.
Narrator: At this point, a large metal oject crashes to the ground, right next to where Harry is nursing his attack wound on the ground.
Harry: Hey, guys, look! A sign fell in our lap.
(Ginny and Draco look at eachother is shock. Ron picks up the sign and reads it aloud)
Ron: Turn left to find killer.
Ginny: That was quite concise.
Draco: Nobody has a flair for the dramatics anymore.
(Sighing, Ginny leads the group around the corridor just to bump into a mysterious figure draped in the shadows)
Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Ouch!
Ginny: Oops, sorry. I mean, Eek! Another new character to pick up repeating story lines and dropped ratings. Ahhhh!!!
Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Oh, hey guys! How's it going?
Ginny: Fred? Is that you?
Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Yip.
Draco: Where's your twin?
Ginny: Yeah, where's George?
Fred: (mimicking) Where's George? Where's George? Why does everyone always ask me that? Am I not a single, solitary person? Are we conjoined at the hip? Are we some sort of homo-erotic duo that cannot breathe without the otherone within a five foot radius of the first? Am I not a person? Am I not a person! (breaks down and starts crying)
Draco: Wow,we made your brother cry like a baby!
Fred: It's not you, you Malfoy prat! This is seventeen years of pent up frustration and anxiety flooding out here! This is twenty seven hundred galleons worth of therapy flooding out of my this very moment. Don't you realize what a deep mental breakthrough this is? I've just realized why I have all my nervous tendencies, my constant nightmares, my homo-erotic fantasies, why I've never really been able to love anyone-
Ginny: Why do you keep saying "homo-erotic"?
Fred: (snaps his fingers) There you go! Another breakthrough!
Narrator: So ends th dramatic fifth chapter of the "Draco Malfoy Show"! Join us next week to find out the answers to these questions: Why is Ron attracted to Neville? Why does the sheep have a superiority complex? Why does Fred keep saying homo-erotic? Tune in next week to find out!