*
Is it over?
Where is my happy ending, then?
I'm so tired…so…tired…
Forgive me. Forgive me.
I give up…
I'm not scared…really…
As long as you do it, okay?
If it's by your hand…I won't mind so much…
*
I guess I had always imagined that I would meet Sora first. Yes, I'll admit it; I did fantasize occasionally about being reunited with the person who meant more than anything to me. Hey, there were some lonely nights on Destiny Islands.
I used to lay awake in the dimness, staring at my bedroom ceiling…
Anyway. I suppose it was really unfair to Riku in terms of allotted daydream time. I really did miss him too, but I simply did not share the kind of bond with him that I had with Sora. Riku's heart had gone cold as ice before the island had been destroyed. He had even fought against Sora (and me, too, in a way).
I couldn't think about him the same way after that. I couldn't see him the same way I saw Sora. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't entirely his either. It was just that he…meant less to me than Sora. There was no changing that.
So I stood there on the stage like some sort of idiot, my mouth wide open. His aqua eyes were wide and curious; he was probably wondering what I was gawking about.
"Riku!" I cried out; I wasn't thinking. "What are you doing here?"
"What do you mean what am I doing here?" he wanted to know, looking around nervously. "I'm here to accept my place as class representative. Are you…okay?"
My face grew warm. We were standing in front of the entire freshman class, as well as all the teachers. We were standing next to a microphone. The microphone was on.
And I was blabbering like an idiot. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
I gulped three or four times. I could hear stifled giggles popping up throughout the rows. There were boys wearing amused smirks and girls with their eyebrows politely raised. At least a few students seemed to be dozing and had no interest in my shame…
What am I gonna do?
Riku's eyebrows were raised a little, too. He tugged his black collar, undoing the top button. Then he smoothed back some of his long silvery blue hair. Riku… This was Riku! My friend who had been fighting the Darkness…! I wanted nothing more than to take him into my arms and make sure that he was really there. That he was real—that he was alive!
But…I couldn't.
I couldn't.
"Do not reveal the truth to anyone…"
The voice. I remembered the voice clearly.
"For the truth can be a dangerous thing…"
Damn. Why did I have to remember it just then? Why was it so loud, overshadowing any thoughts I raised in protest?
I sighed inwardly and gave up.
In front of all these people I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say, "How's the Door to the Light doing, Riku? Or, perhaps, "How are you doing, Riku? Gotten over being possessed by that evil overlord yet?"
I stood there, baffled as to what to do. I was frozen in my spot; I was a babbling idiot. My cheeks were burning now. The teenager in me had humiliated herself in front of no less than one hundred and fifty peers. My supposed best friend looked upon me as he would a stranger acting peculiarly.
I felt so alone. I would rather have been up against a swarm of Heartless than in that situation. Alone. Alone. Alone. I was alone.
Riku withdrew his attention from me, stepped up to the podium, and began speaking. I folded my hands together and let my eyes slip to the floor as he took charge of our speech.
"We are both honored to be your representatives," Riku was saying. "I'm sure all of us here studied very hard studying for the entrance exam. Everyone here deserves to be in this school. Uh…" He looked at me blankly and whispered, "What was your name again?"
"Kairi… Suzuki Kairi," I murmured. Why wouldn't he know my name? Why wouldn't he know me?
I would definitely have to talk with him in private later.
"Suzuki-san and I will be very pleased to represent you this year," Riku finished. He stepped away from the microphone. The female teacher, who was very frazzled by this point—probably my doing—shooed us off stage. I was very thankful to fall back into my seat. I noticed that Riku was in the row next to mine, up just a couple chairs. He would be in my homeroom!
Some older students filed onto the stage and stood behind the podium. They were all grinning widely and some even clapped their hands together with excitement. Apparently, these were the club captains. Each one had about two minutes to promote his or her activity. I was invited to participate in many different sports—volleyball, tennis, archery, and more—as well as music club, English club, drawing club…
After all of that, the homeroom teachers were introduced and they lead us back toward the main school building, where we would start class. I clutched at my school bag and tried not to hear the girls behind me giggling.
*
We had time for two classes before lunch, math and then English. My seat just had to be in the very middle of the room, didn't it? For the entire morning I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I made sure that my own gaze was either fixed on the thorough notes I never stopped taking, or focused strictly on the chalkboard where our teachers demonstrated equations or the spelling of difficult words.
There was a forty-minute break for lunch. My mother had packed a boxed lunch, or bento, for me, with some onigiri (rice balls) and squid. I took the box with me and left the room, as a few other students were doing. I found myself ascending the staircase and then on the roof overlooking the neighborhood. There wasn't anyone else around, but there was no sign proclaiming the area off-limits. I decided to take my chances with authority and found a spot in the corner to eat.
I enjoyed the meal, propping myself up using the fence that lined the roof's perimeter as I did so. I looked down at the houses and trees and into the distance where some of the large apartment and business buildings in Tokyo were visible.
"Thank you for this meal," I whispered to myself. There was no one to chant 'Gochiso-sama deshita' with. I sighed and put my hashi, or chopsticks, away. I checked my watch; there was more than twenty minutes left before I had to be back for my history lesson.
I peeled off my black jacket and leaned back against the fence once again. My eyelids slid shut as my thoughts drifted back to the morning's events. I was class representative, but now also the laughingstock of said class. Riku, once my best friend, was actually on this strange new world too, but appeared not to recognize me…
"Hey, hey."
Startled, I jumped and shifted a few centimeters away from the high-pitched voice, which was coming from above me. My eyes came open in a second and I saw that it was a girl with short brown hair.
Yuffie!
I knew her! I had stayed with her while Sora had been away! In Traverse Town…with Leon and Aerith and Cid…everyone….
I remembered those days quite clearly. Yuffie. She had once been…my friend…
She bent down and offered her hand, grinning her big, shiny white grin. "Yo! I'm Kisaragi Yuffie, or just Yuffie if you would. You're a freshman, right?"
I shook her hand briefly. So, she didn't seem to remember me either…
"Well, I know you have a big decision to make about what club to join." She took up my left arm and inspected it. "I'm a junior on the volleyball team and I think you really have the arms for it! You'd be a big asset to our team, so I hope you consider us."
I nodded.
"So, you like it up here too, huh?" she asked, standing up straight again and looking out across the city. "It was my secret place last year. Maybe it's just a thing with cute freshmen girls, I don't know." Yuffie winked.
It didn't make since for her to have been in Japan a year ago. A year ago she was in Traverse Town!
"So…what drove you to eat lunch alone?"
I couldn't meet her sympathetic gaze, I just couldn't. I was too confused about everything. I was too embarrassed about everything. "I'm class representative, and everyone laughed at me when I couldn't make a speech."
"Sugoi!" she cried. She was on her knees beside me again. "Amazing! Class representative? You must be really smart!"
"I…I never really thought so," I said. I still couldn't look at her.
"But that representative thing is ridiculous. I dunno. Last year the boy who got first place had a written speech prepared and everything. The other kid just let him do the whole thing. It was like fifteen minutes." She rolled her eyes.
I giggled a little, in spite of myself. Yuffie was just as I remembered. Her excitement was contagious. I felt at ease talking with her.
"So, why did you come up here last year?"
"All the boys made fun of me for being a tomboy," she said. Her mouth curved into an evil smile. "I eventually taught 'em who's boss, though. Now I have everybody's respect. That's the key, you know; you gotta stand up to them."
"I don't want to beat anyone up…"
She grinned, exposing a mouthful of shiny white teeth. "You don't have to do that. Just be yourself."
Had I been a normal Japanese girl, this might have been a simple task. But the real me came from an island in the middle of the ocean of a different world. The real me had never ridden the subway or worn a school uniform or eaten bento. I had been invited to be on the volleyball team. But what was it?
I knew then that I would have to be an actress, and a good one at that. I couldn't be the Kairi from Destiny Islands anymore. I would have to rely on the false memories that trickled into my brain whenever they found it convenient. But as this fake Kairi—Suzuki Kairi—could I have my old confidence?
"It's okay. Do you have any friends you can talk to?" Yuffie asked me.
"Not really. I just moved here after graduating junior high."
"Aw, what a bummer!" Yuffie scratched her head, thinking. "Well, then, you can be my friend."
Was it such a simple thing to make friends? Was it a decision and not a process?
"But you don't know me," I said. I didn't want to burden her with my problems.
"I like what I know already," she proclaimed, patting my back. "But you really gotta do me a favor and join the team, okay?"
"But… I've never played volleyball before..."
"It's okay. I'll teach you everything you need to know. Just call me 'Yuffie-sempai,' okay?"
"Okay," I agreed, nodding.
"The first meeting's Wednesday after clean-up duty. You'll be there, right?"
"I will."
She made a 'v' with her fingers, and prompted me to do the same. "Yay!"
I was no longer alone.
*
After lunch and history we had gym class. The girls wore fairly immodest orange-red gym shorts and white t-shirts. The boys had the same white t-shirts, but much more substantial shorts. For that day the girls had to run around the track and the boys played soccer on the adjoining field, since the gym still had to be cleared of the folding chairs. It was a cool and dry day, so I did not mind the exercise so much.
I was used to running, and luckily it did not take much coordination. I was not so great at coordination. As I pumped my legs hard and made my way around the track, I remembered back to the multiple times a blitzball had come in direct contact with my face. I was a miserable blitzball player. I really hoped that volleyball was nothing like it.
I was near the head of the pack. A handful of athletic-looking girls were the only ones in front of me. Many throngs of slower girls were behind. I could hear them talking about how great Yamamoto-kun looked running across the soccer field. Yamamoto? Who was that?
"Look, look! He's got the ball!" one girl shrieked.
I slowed down a little and looked through the chain-link fence to the soccer field. The one with the black-and-white checkered ball in his possession was Riku. They were talking about Riku!
"He's so cool," the same shrieking girl sighed as Riku kicked the ball across the field and into the upper corner of the soccer net. "He just made a goal!"
"That was awesome!" someone else cried happily. "His legs are so powerful—just look at them!"
I turned my face away and returned to my former pace. Had the cool wind in my face not already turned my cheeks pink, they would have gone that color then. I realized that I had been "checking Riku out." Riku was my friend. I didn't want to gawk at him like he was an object, like those other girls were doing. Even though he did have really nice, muscular legs...
"Yamamoto-kun is soooo great. Did you see his tan? I heard that he spent vacation in Hawaii!"
"Hawaii? Really?"
"Yeah! I heard that too!"
"His family must be rich!"
"Yeah! His dad's a big-shot attorney! Their house is like a mansion!"
"Wow!"
I listened to the girls jabber on, even though I didn't really want to. I tried as hard as I could to concentrate on running, pumping my legs harder and harder—I wanted to fly across the ground, run so gracefully, like a horse—but what was a horse?
The sound of the teacher's whistle cut through the cool spring air. "Time to change clothes!" our female instructor said from the center of the track. "Good job today, girls!"
I gradually slowed to a jog and then a fast walk. The teacher took me aside: "Suzuki. Hold on a minute."
I hung back as the rest of the girls headed for the locker rooms. "Yes, teacher?"
"You pushed yourself really hard today. Are you considering going out for the track team?"
I shook my head. "No… Um, I was just thinking about something when I was running."
"I see. What a shame." I heard her click her tongue after she waved me away.
I could not think about the track team's loss just then, though. I was too busy planning how I should corner Riku after school and make sure he recognized me.
*
My chance came earlier than predicted. I had not known this before, but students were in charge of all janitorial duties at school. There were various duties in each classroom and throughout the building and surrounding grounds. Students rotated jobs on a weekly basis.
I checked the list. Riku's name and mine were together at the very top. All that week we would be straightening up the classroom after school. My heart skipped a beat. The two of us alone after class every day. Lucky!
Another boy from my class was on the list for bathroom duty. He made a face and left. All the other students, whose names could not be found on the list, cheered and fled the room quickly, throwing desks askew in their rush. I frowned and crossed my arms. Just because it wasn't their job didn't mean they had to make it any more difficult for those of us to which it belonged.
"No clubs on the first day, so we get to go home right after this," Riku was saying as he looked over a piece of paper with a list of tasks on it. "First thing here says clean the chalkboards. You wanna do it?"
"O-Okay," I agreed. "So…what club are you going to be in?"
"Not sure yet. I'm thinking about kendo."
"Kendo?" I could 'recall' seeing men in heavy uniforms and masks clashing wooden swords together. "That's cool."
"What about you, Suzuki-san?" he wondered absently at the closet door. He went "ah-hah" when he withdrew a broom. Apparently that was what he had been looking for.
"Um…volleyball. A junior girl asked me to be on the team and I said yes."
"You're quite agreeable," he said. I looked over and saw he was smirking to himself. That was Riku, all right. And such an act always made me feel offended.
I stood up to the insult. "I can learn to play."
His mouth opened into an awkward smile. "Hey, I didn't say you couldn't."
"Well…"
It was quiet for a while after that. I heard people in the hall once but then not again for a while. I realized that Riku and I were pretty much alone.
"Hey, Ri—I mean, Yamamoto-san."
"You can call me Riku," he said. "I really don't care." He was straightening desks now that he had finished sweeping under them. I came over to assist, picking up the chairs, turning them upside down, and stacking them on the desktops.
"You call me Kairi then," I replied, somewhat indignant.
I took a deep breath in the pause that followed. It was okay, wasn't it? We were alone now, weren't we?
"Hey, Riku…"
"Yeah?" He was over a row from me now, having finished with the desks next to the window.
"You remember, don't you?"
"Remember what?" He seemed to be only half paying attention.
"Don't you?" I had stopped now. Everything was still and quiet, save the squeak as Riku dragged the next desk into place. I turned to him. "Don't you, Riku?"
"Remember what?" he repeated absently.
"About Destiny Islands? About me and Sora? About Ansem and the Heartless…and everything?" I grew more desperate as I spoke, trying to conjure a positive response from him. I saw no recognition flash through his eyes, even when he finally stopped in the chore and faced me.
"Are you making stuff up?" he wondered. He looked puzzled. Perhaps even somewhat amused.
"Don't you?"
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about." Riku scratched the side of his head, blinking a couple times. "Um, do you need to see the nurse?"
"No. Sorry. It was…nothing..."
He probably wondered why I next ran from the room.
***
Lesson #3: Japanese names. In Japan, family names go first (i.e. not 'Bob Smith' but 'Smith Bob'), as in other Asian countries. How you refer to another person is a big indicator of how familiar you are with him (or how rude you are, depending…). If you have just met a person, the safest thing to refer to him by is his family name plus the suffix –san, which is approximately mister/miss/missus—hence "Suzuki-san." As far as I know, the only thing beyond 'san' is 'sama,' which is the equivalent of lord/lady/master/etc. They even refer to God that way (Kami-sama!) If you refer to someone other than, say, the emperor as that, you sure respect him a lot!
The familiar suffixes are –chan and –kun. I don't think there are direct translations for these. –Chan is generally used for girls (and animals…) and –kun for boys. Family members and good friends will refer to each other this way (we get to call Maiko, our Japanese tutor, Mai-chan! It makes me happy).
In this chapter, I also utilized the suffix –sempai (I've seen it spelled 'senpai,' too; someone tell me which one is correct!!) In the school world, and so I read in the business world as well, people will refer to each other as 'sempai' and 'kohai,' which basically mean 'senior' and 'junior.' So, if Kairi is going to refer to Yuffie as her "sempai," she's saying "upperclassman." It's a respect thing. Teachers are referred to using the ending "sensei," which I think doesn't quite mean teacher… Unless my memory is totally down the tubes, I believe that in Ranma ½ they call Dr. Tofu "sensei" too. So maybe it means like "professional" or something?? There are never precise translations for these things! Arr.
Any input from those more widely versed in the realm of Japanese suffixes will be greatly appreciated!
Also, feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything I stuck in my story and didn't explain right away (or thoroughly enough.) I might just be saving some stuff for the next lesson, or I might not be and foolishly assumed context was enough (detail is one of the things I've had to work at since I began writing) O.o. Ask and make sure! I don't want to leave you all confused… @_@