*
Sometimes sacrifice is the only way…
But what are you willing to give up?
What is the price of getting rid of this pain you carry inside you?
*
In my dream, I was in the middle of the glistening ocean, the water all around me reflecting the orange-gold rays of the sun. I was drifting there, floating on my back, my limbs and head drooping. I was wearing a long white dress, the skirt of which was about two times too long for my legs. I was turning slowly, my body spinning in the water, but really I was just drifting.
Drifting, drifting…
For so long I only drifted. The setting sun disappeared across the sea. A pale pearl of a moon rose to take its place, and pinpoints of light emerged from within the folds of the darkening blanket of sky.
I lifted my hand. My skin and the still paler white dress were glowing in the moonlight, almost as if they were absorbing it. My eyes returned to the sky and the stars twinkling from within the infinite night.
My arm was still raised. I studied it again, noticing a chain was wrapped up and down its length. I opened my fist and a silver cross fell, shimmering and dancing on the very end of the chain.
My body slipped beneath the water, but I could still see the twinkling stars and pale moon through the ocean's rippling surface. The silver cross had somehow broken free, and was now hovering, just above the waves. I reached up to grab it, irreversibly fascinated by its power.
As the water closed in, I heard Sora's voice calling to me.
"Save me, Kairi. It's almost too late."
His words…it would be a while until I finally heard them.
*
That Friday, Mom left for a weekend trip with some other women from her work, and left me with a to-do list. Due to the cold weather, I first completed all the indoor chores. I scrubbed the bathroom, toilet room, and the kitchenette until they sparkled. I did the laundry. I aired out the futons. I disposed of old newspapers and ads, putting magazines that seemed worthwhile away in boxes. I even organized my own things.
By early in the evening, I was quite certain our apartment could be no cleaner.
Exhausted, I went to prepare myself something for dinner. I found the refrigerator and cupboards all but bare, and ended up eating the last cup of instant ramen. That left no food at all. I checked the to-do list and found the only item not crossed off: "#5. Grocery shopping." Mom had affixed the shopping list and some money with a paper clip.
I looked at the outdoor thermometer through our window. As the sun set, it would only grow colder, so I decided to hurry. I pocketed the money and grocery list in my winter coat's inside pocket, and then scooted off, wrapping a scarf around my neck as I went.
I decided to go to the convenience store instead of all the way to the supermarket. It was cold and becoming darker, so I decided that a trek of two blocks were preferable to one of ten. I hurried through the store and got the essentials from Mom's list, leaving some of the more superfluous items for the next day.
While going to the checkout, I noticed a magazine with a picture of Utada Hikaru on the cover. Being the avid fan that I was, I picked it up as a treat to myself for all my hard work. It was actually the second treat, the first being a package of blueberry muffins for Saturday and Sunday's breakfast.
Outside, I found the sky dark and the streetlights humming on. The plastic handles of the shopping bags pulled at my fingers, and I cursed myself twofold for forgetting gloves.
I thought about my dream as I walked up the street, but not too much; I put little faith in dreams.
There was something that the mayor's wife had told me time and time again when I was a young girl on Destiny Islands. She said dreams are our minds' way of sorting out the events of the day and committing important facts to memory, but the strange things that happen in dreams are put in by our imagination, which is always prone to mischief. She said the silly things that dreams show us are meant to be forgotten, and that is why they so easily are.
There were times when I had really fantastic dreams as a little girl. I would wake up wanting desperately to hold onto the things I had seen. And still, no matter how hard I tried, the images faded from my mind and I soon forgot I had dreamt at all. At some point I had taken the mayor's wife's words as fact. She looked the part of a sage, and certainly acted it as well. Her lessons always made sense to me, and more sense the older I grew.
Although…recently I had been remembering dreams more clearly. Dreams about the Darkness, or dreams about Sora and Destiny Islands. I thought that maybe I should start paying attention, since I was connected to something otherworldly and all. Still…
"Hey! Slow down a minute!"
I did as was asked, stopping and turning to face the person who had called out (I would not have assumed she was talking to me, save the fact that I was alone on the street). She came into the light.
It was Rinoa, her shiny black hair messily shoved into a ponytail.
She took a minute to catch her breath. "Whew. I'm glad I caught you! I thought I might've seen you when I went into the convenience store, but then, when I saw you again, and made sure it was you, you were leaving! I'm glad I was able to catch up." She finished pulling on her coat, a job she had so far left undone. Then she readjusted her grip on her own shopping bag.
I nodded, still not saying anything. I had kept my distance from Aerith and the others since our breakfast earlier in the week. Things had ended pretty badly—I had blown up at them, angry that they could be so unfair to Sora. I had stomped out of there, and most of my way home, not wishing to hear one word more of their plans to protect the world. I did not want to hear anything about my friend being anyone's enemy—especially theirs.
Rinoa continued to fill her lungs with the cold night air. A cloud of mist emerged when she sighed, tilted her head back, and ran one mittened hand through her hair. Her cheeks were very rosy with the cold.
"Do you live around here?" she wondered.
I nodded again and pointed to my apartment building, which was on the next block. "I live right there. Do you?"
"Eh?"
"Live around here…"
"Oh, oh, no. No, I work as a waitress at that big Chinese restaurant," she explained, motioning over one shoulder. I knew where she was talking about, since I would pass it on the way to the grocery store, but I had never eaten there. "I was just picking some things up on the way to the station."
"Oh," I replied, feeling indifferent about her situation. "I thought you might have been doing some of that 'patrol' that Cloud and Squall were talking about." My mood had gone painfully sour.
"So you're still angry at us?"
Why should she look so hurt? It wasn't as though she knew me or anything. Anyway, she was more like a big kid than a grownup, from what I had seen.
"C'mon, how about you and me have a nice talk?" Rinoa suggested. "If you're not busy—hey, I'll even carry some of your stuff." Not waiting for any hint of a response from me, she took two of the three bags I carried and pretended not to buckle under the weight. I took one bag back and agreed that we could have something hot to drink at my apartment.
After my groceries had been put away and hers temporarily stashed in the fridge, the two of us ended up at my kitchen table with mugs of hot chocolate. Rinoa removed her ponytail and her shoulder-length black hair came spilling down onto her shoulders, contrasting the whiteness of the fluffy sweater she wore.
She seemed to have settled down immediately. The woman's personality confused me: she seemed to always be switching back and forth between anxiety and relaxation. But, overall, she was rather peppy, and seemed a little headstrong underneath it all, too.
"You're one smart kid," Rinoa began, wrapping her reddened fingers around the steaming mug. "I actually was on patrol."
"And you left your post?" I replied, somewhat cynical.
"No, I was just supposed to watch things around the restaurant, and that's what I did." She shrugged. "Squall didn't tell me I had to stay out the whole night. Besides, there haven't been any Heartless sightings for a few days now. Things seem to have cooled down."
How could she be so naïve? I said smugly, "They might have just gotten smarter."
"You are the clever one!" She took a sip of her chocolate. "Mmm, that's some good stuff."
"…Thanks."
"You're a little cold though, huh? Were you around those guys too much, I wonder?" She giggled. "They're such stiffs! It's not like we all can't do our duty and have fun at the same time."
So that was her attitude about all of this? She wanted to have fun when she had the chance? What about Sora? All of them were going against Sora! It was obvious she didn't know him, because, if she did—and had a heart—she wouldn't have been so casual about the whole thing.
While I was fuming to myself, Rinoa was leaning on one elbow and gazing off, somewhat regretfully. "I finally get Squall to loosen up a bit, and then this whole mess with Lord Ansem and the Heartless comes up." She grimaced. "If only he would have left Hollow Bastion out of it!"
Surprised, I could only say, "You're from Hollow Bastion?"
"Yeah." Rinoa had a new kind of expression: gloomy. She sighed again, ran her hand through her hair again. "And that's why Squall is all worried and protective now."
I hadn't seen her in Traverse Town or Hollow Bastion. I could only assume…
"I was swallowed up by the Darkness when Ansem first went nuts and took over. Squall, Aerith, Yuffie, and Cid made it out together, and Cloud got separated, or so they tell me. But I was long gone by then." She had a little more hot chocolate. "Squall tried to save me, but couldn't. He told me he felt helpless and weak then—and men hate feeling weak more than anything, let me tell you—especially a guy like him."
"Is that why he went by Leon?"
She smiled, but I could tell there was no real happiness behind the gesture.
"He said he couldn't forgive himself for what happened to me… For letting our world fall…"
"So, now that your world is restored, he's Squall again?"
"Sort of. He still beats himself up about what happened, but I wasn't going to let him go by Leon for the rest of his life." She had some more of the hot chocolate, and then her head sank down. "I wish he could forgive himself. It wasn't his fault. None of us knew what was going on until it was too late."
"It was the same on my world," I told her. "And I was swallowed too… I lost my heart."
"It's the…coldest feeling in the world…isn't it…?"
I could only bow my head, trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to remember what it felt like to have the forces of Darkness pulling at my heart, sucking me into the web of nothingness.
Cold, huh?
It was much more than cold. It was a feeling beyond physical sensation. It was as if the contents of your soul were being emptied, and you were left as nothing but a shell. The most merciful part of the experience was when you finally blacked out—when you finally felt nothing at all.
"Well…" Rinoa stood. "Thank you for the hot chocolate. I need to go if I'm going to get the nine o'clock." She went to the fridge and pulled out her groceries, and then left me without another word.
I could only watch her leave. I realized she had gone back to being anxious. I realized that she, too, was trying not to remember the Darkness pulling her in.
*
About an hour later, somewhere around ten o'clock, I had another visitor. I went to the door and checked the peephole, as Mom had demanded I do when home alone. I could see the hallway light reflecting off silvery hair.
Riku knocked again. I opened the door.
"Hey," he said. The handles of a very large paper bag were around his wrist.
"Hi."
"How's it going?"
"All right. Would you like to come in?"
He bowed his head and came inside. I took his coat for him and he set down the large bag just inside.
"You apartment is really clean," Riku said, the edges of his lips curling just slightly. "A lot cleaner than the other times I've been here."
"Riku!" I punched him lightly. "That's not a very polite thing to say, you know. Besides, I worked all day cleaning up."
"I know. Once you put your mind to something, you really do a great job." He smiled.
"What's got you over here so late?" I wanted to know.
"Well… I wanted to check up on you. That, and…"
"And?"
He frowned. "I just got back from my trip today, and I had a fight with my parents. They think I'm insane…"
"In…Insane? Why?"
"Because. I remembered."
Remembered. Remembered his old life.
Got his memories back.
All of them.
All at once, too.
Riku's frown deepened, and his aqua eyes grew dark with anger and confusion. "They wouldn't accept any of it. They think something is wrong with me!" He began to pace around the room. "But I know there isn't. When I tried to contradict them, my father just…threw me out. I really didn't have anywhere to go."
"That's awful! How could your own father do that to you? Throw his own kid out on the street?"
Riku's father being so cruel… It seemed impossible. I couldn't believe it.
"He's not really my father, though," he said, trying to brush it off.
"In this world, he is," I insisted quietly.
"Kairi…you've known—you've remembered—all along. I only got my memories back a few days ago. Now I feel like I'm…two people at the same time. I don't know who to be. I don't even know who I really am…"
I could empathize with him completely. Just by looking at his face twisted by a whirlwind of contradicting emotions, I knew how he felt. I knew exactly.
"Riku…"
It was strange for him to be opening up to me like this. The old Riku on Destiny Islands would never have told anyone anything so personal. He would have kept it bottled up inside and tried to deal with it his own way, not burdening anybody else, not showing weakness to anybody else.
This Riku…a confused mix of the two Rikus…perhaps because we had, at one time, in one way, shared love, he felt that he could let down his guard with me. I didn't want to screw it up, not after the way I had treated him. He was still my friend.
We were still standing near the door, so I asked him if he wanted to sit down at the table. I stood next to him, my hand lingering in the air just over his shoulder. I really wanted to comfort him, but I had, after all, recently dumped him in one of the worst ways possible. Perhaps he understood the situation better now, but the brain and the heart don't always see eye to eye.
"I should go," Riku said, standing up. As he stood, his shoulder rose to come in contact with my hand. "I don't want to bother you."
I pushed him back down. "Riku, stay. Please."
"No. I have to go find some place to eat dinner, and then I'll find a motel somewhere. I'll be fine." He tried to stand once more, and I pushed him down again.
I opened my mouth to speak.
"Don't worry about me."
'I don't want your pity,' he was telling me. Well, I wasn't trying to pity him. I wanted one thing only: to comfort him.
"It's late, Riku. I'll make you dinner and you can stay here tonight. We'll wait until tomorrow to sort things out."
I turned my back to him, ready to go cook something. I was jolted back when his arms wrapped around me and he buried his face in my back.
"I hate these memories," he growled. "So many awful things happened to me. But here—in this life—I was…so happy… I don't really care if it all was a lie."
"Riku…"
"And now…" His arms tightened around my waist. "Everything has fallen apart…"
***
Cheery author's notes and lessons are back! And I have just the treat for you to make up for last time: a fan art of Kairi from everyone's favorite story, Codename: Kokosei! *waits for the applause to die down* You can find a link in my profile, since I can't put one here. I'm not the best artist in the world, but I tried my best!
Attention! Something all readers should know: I'll be starting my junior year of high school on Thursday (only one day of freedom left!!) so my updates may become few and far in between. I'm sorry, but I really have to devote my time to schoolwork above all else. This is just a hobby, after all (although one I enjoy very much and might might might might just someday become a career…) I will do my best!
Lesson #10 (…okay, so really it's #9, but I'll get too confused if the numbers don't correspond with the chapters…): New Year's Eve and other things corresponding to the end of December and the beginning of January: Japan, if you don't already happen to know, is not a largely Christian country, so Christmas isn't much more than decorations and presents. However, never fear, as there's plenty of tradition to look forward to during those short and bitterly cold days—New Year's is a big deal! Even if religion doesn't play the biggest part, starting the New Year is all about customs. Like here, people make resolutions to improve themselves (lose weight, quit smoking, etc). They also do major house cleaning so as to start off with a clean slate (sort of like spring cleaning).
Women and daughters go to great lengths to prepare New Year's food (Osechi ryouri). Osechi ryouri is packed in a special multi-layer box called Jubako. Presentation, as always, is very important. Each dish featured in the jubako symbolizes something special: prawns for long life, herring roe for fertility, etc (there are many). All the cooking is done ahead of time so the ladies can enjoy a much-needed and well-deserved rest on New Year's Day. ^^
Most businesses will be closed around New Year's so everyone can be home with their family and eat delicious food. At midnight on New Year's Eve, the bells from the temples will ring 108 times because it is said we all have 108 attachments to our ego…(don't ask me…) Visitors can ring the bells. Also, at midnight and for the first few days of January, the Japanese people will flock to temples and shrines for hatsumode, their first visit of the year. They pray for health and happiness for the next year.
Oh yes, New Year's Eve is Oomisoka and the New Year's Holidays (January 1-3) are called Shogatsu. If you want to wish someone a happy new year, just say the following: ake mashite-omedetou-gozaimasu! Now you're all set.