Won't say goodbye anymore

By Ria

This is the last part of the Goodbye series. Thanks for sticking through all the angst! Oh, there is an epilogue at the end of this too, just to finish it off. It's all archived at my site www.csichaostheory.co.uk if you missed any parts.

They were walking down the corridor, in silence, when the elevator opened at the end of the hall, Nick and Warrick stepping out of the car. Catherine filled in the guys on the good news of Griss's awakening, whilst Sara tried to ask with her eyes if Nick had said anything to Warrick. Unfortunately Nick wasn't psychic, and was too happy to hear about Griss to pay her any heed, and turned from her intent to go on into Grissom's room.

Catherine was doing likewise towards the elevator- she had Lindsey to pick up from school. Seeing as once again she was alone in a corridor with Warrick, Sara bit the bullet. 'Do you wanna get some coffee?'

Warrick looked at her in surprise, as Nick looked back at her from down the hall, also looking surprised, but smiling in encouragement.  Finally Warrick nodded. 'Sure, coffee. Nick- I'll come up later.'

'Sure, take your time- not like Grissom's going anywhere.' He said with an easy grin before disappearing into Grissom's room.

They walked in silence down to the coffee shop in the hospital, but seeing it was full to the point of bursting, Warrick was the one to suggest they walk to a near by coffee shop outside of the hospital. 'It's bound to have better coffee, anyway.' He added, making her smile and nod.

The coffee shop was two blocks away, and they walked in a strange silence. Strange because it didn't feel strained, or uncomfortable. It was as if they both knew they had a lot to say, but that it could wait till they were sitting, with hot mugs of coffee before starting.

Sara didn't know where to start. Starting a conversation by saying "I love you, please drop everything and come back to my hotel room and make hot amazing love with me, because it was only last time we did that that I felt anything other than this pain" seemed a sure fire way of scaring someone straight off with the desperation.

There was always the "so, how's your girlfriend?" question, but somehow, she didn't see that going down any better.

So she found herself watching him instead. He was playing with the stirrer in his mug, making whirlpools in the middle of the liquid before stopping and watching them calm down. She found herself memorising every detail in his face, of the curls in his hair, of the glint of light in his eyes. Just in case. He looked up suddenly, catching her staring, offering her a slight crooked smile.

'I missed you.' She suddenly blurted out, then felt her cheeks blush as he looked startled at how she had started the conversation.

'I mean, I've missed…' She trailed off, deciding to just shut up for a moment. But being here, in his presence was making her nervous and she couldn't seem to think straight, let alone about all that she wanted to say to him.

'I know what you mean.' Warrick said softly. 'I missed you too.' Sara waited for him to add, "for a while, but I got over it", and was surprised when he didn't, before realising that was her pessimistic side talking.

They were sat across from each other, at a high table with stools Sara could only just reach the floor whilst sat on. It was a small table, and she was all the more aware of his presence because of it. Perhaps they should have stayed at the hospital canteen- this kind of intimacy was unnerving her.

'I didn't think you'd be back.' Warrick said quietly. He had gone back to staring at his coffee, but looked up when she didn't answer straight away.

'I…I wasn't going to.' She answered. 'Grissom…' she stopped, knowing that wasn't a good place to start. Even if it was the truth.

'Yeah, Grissom got you to come back.' Warrick said, that same bitter tone she had heard before creeping back in.

'I had to come back.' Sara told him, struggling to find words to explain why, when Greg had phoned, she had dropped everything in an instance.

'Yeah.' The bitterness was grating against her now, and Sara almost wished for the anger instead. 'You'll come back for Grissom, but me…well, what would you come back here for me for?' Well she got her wish. He was growing angry. Again Sara was struck as odd that he was getting angry at her. Hadn't he moved on, got himself someone else?

'I've known Gris since school.' Sara said feeling her own anger rise that he was baiting her like this.

'Yeah, and we had just a night.' He bit back at her.

Something inside Sara suddenly snapped. 'You left, remember?' She snarled at him. 'You were the one that walked out that morning.' She was done with him making it out to be all her fault somehow.

'You just had to go one better and leave the city instead.' Warrick flung back at her, his hurt, his pain on show for the first time although Sara was too angry to see it for what it was.

'That had nothing to do with that night.' Sara told him.

'Oh no, you were already leaving. How could I forget?' He asked, heavy on the sarcasm now.

'Well you didn't exactly give me any reason to stay, did you?'

'And I suppose that night was just a figment of my imagination.'

'Oh, it was real all right. Right up to you walking out without even saying goodbye.' Sara shot back. Their heated voices, although not raised, were getting a few glances from the other patrons. Sara noticed, tried to get some control back. 'You knew I was leaving before that night.' She reminded him.

'What, so I might as well not have bothered? You wouldn't have stayed anyway?'

'It wasn't like that Warrick. What happened between us, it wasn't exactly planned, was it?'

'No, I'm sure you were hoping to be comforted in the arms of another man.' Warrick said sarcastically.

'What?' Sara asked, exasperated at the double meaning she didn't get.

'Oh, I think you know who I mean. Everyone knows you've had a thing for Grissom since before you came here.'

'A thing…what are you talking about? I don't like Grissom in that way. Hell, before I left, we'd barely been speaking anyway.'

'Yeah, you couldn't have him, so anyone else would do. I can bet who was on your mind that night.'

The sound of hand connecting with cheek made everyone in the café look round at them. For a moment, they were both shocked into silence at Sara's action, but Sara quickly got over it. 'How. Dare. You?' She snarled at him, on her feet and glaring down at him before she turned and walked quickly from the café.

Warrick felt the full meaning of what he had just accused Sara of doing fall on him as if in slow motion. He closed his eyes, feeling the stinging in his cheek, wondering what he could have possibly said that was worse than that, more insulting than that. He couldn't let her go now. He might have just ruined everything, but he couldn't leave it at that. If he did, he knew that he would regret it forever. He quickly dropped money on the table to cover for the coffee, running outside and looking around for her.

'Sara!' He yelled, seeing her walking quickly up the block on his left. 'Sara, wait, please. I didn't mean what I said.' He was catching her up, but she wasn't slowing any and he was close to running to get to her. 'Please, Sara, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don't even think that.' He said, as she finally started slowing down, enough so that he could catch up with her, get in front of her, force her to stop.

'How dare you imply I slept with you because I wanted someone else.' Sara said, the hurt obvious in her voice now that she wasn't yelling. Warrick tried to interrupt but Sara talked over him. 'I've never slept with someone for any reason other than I had feelings for them. And if that isn't the same for you then I'm sorry but I won't have you destroy my memories of that night even if you obviously just want to forget it.'

'I don't want to forget them.' Warrick said softly.

'Yeah, you've got a funny way of showing it.' Sara countered.

'I didn't mean it Sara.'

'Not that.'

He looked at her confused.

She sighed, running a hand through her hair in frustration. 'I heard you Warrick. The other day, in the locker room. I came looking for you, but you were talking on your cell. To your girlfriend.'

At his look, she knew she had got it right.

'She's not my girlfriend.' He tried.

Sara shot him a disbelieving look.

'We've been out a few times, that's all.' He told her.

'It's more than we managed.' Sara pointed out, moving to walk round him.

'Wait, Sara.' Warrick said, catching her arm to stop her. 'She…Cassie doesn't mean anything. It was just a few dinners. Nothing else.'

'I can't do this, Warrick. Every time, we…I guess there was nothing there, because surely it can't be like this if there was.'

'I wanted to call.' Warrick told her, almost in a whisper.

'Yeah, I wanted you to.' Sara said, an odd smile on her face. 'But you didn't.'

'I didn't know what to say.'

'How about goodbye?' Sara asked.

Warrick looked at her in confusion.

'This is it, Warrick, I'm flying out of here tonight. I thought…' She trailed off. 'Well, it doesn't matter what I thought anymore.'

Warrick stood there, helpless, not knowing how to reverse the situation. 'You weren't the only one with feelings that night.' He told her.

She smiled, that odd smile again. 'I never thought I was.'

'Then stay. Talk to me.' He implored her, suddenly more fearful of her leaving her again than he had been of calling her.

'I've been trying. I don't know what else to say.'

'How about just that you won't leave again?'

'If only it were that easy.'

'Make it that easy.'

'It could have been, Warrick. I waited as long as I could, but you never came.'

'But I'm asking you now, don't go.'

'It's too late Warrick. I didn't realise before. But it's too late.'

'I…I…' But she was gone, before he could find any words to make her stay. Walking down the road, away from him, and he felt powerless to stop her.

Sara felt the heat of the tears falling. It was all she seemed to be able to feel. There weren't sobs, or wailing, just the tears falling endlessly, as if trying to bleed off emotion through the tears because there was too much contained for one person.

So that was it then. That was the end. That was the finality she had been after. She had never felt so crushed. So empty. A devoid of nothing but the tears that continued to fall with no reason to stop.

She stumbled to the hotel; she'd already dropped the car off. The badge, the gun. The remnants of her life as a CSI. Although she knew she could get a job near enough anywhere, she didn't think she'd be coming back here anytime soon. However much like home it might feel.

She threw clothes into a bag, checked to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything, then checked out. At least the tears had stopped flowing now, as she asked the concierge to call her a cab. As she stepped in, instructed the driver, she realised that she was about to leave without saying goodbye to Nick, or to Greg, or anyone else. But she had to go. She'd email them later to explain her hasty departure. She couldn't stay here any longer. She didn't want to torture herself anymore. She had a lot of self- destructive habits, but masochism wasn't among them.

She glanced at her watch, a nervous habit; she had an open return ticket, and would get the first flight back that had a seat free. Still she looked at the time, remembering not long ago fighting time as she was leaving. Seemed it had been the right decision. She had just needed to come back to confirm it.

She sat in the back of the cab, once again watching the lights of Las Vegas being left behind. She didn't look behind her now. Didn't try and postpone in case time would bring him to her door. She had no reason to believe that now. He hadn't come back then, when they had everything to fight for. He was hardly going to come now, when all that was left of that night was a dream fading with time.

No this time, she looked ahead, to the future, determined not to live in the past anymore.

Warrick felt lost, as he traced his steps back to the hospital. He should be going to visit Grissom but he couldn't face him; not after using him as an excuse flung at Sara in the heat of the argument. He knew rationally that Grissom and Sara were friends, at best. That accusing Sara of sleeping with him to get to Grissom was down right mean.

Still, she'd left, what did it matter now. This time there had been no soft words, no "This is for the best, it's easier this way." Nope, apparently, this time it was for good, their relationship really was only meant to be one night.

So why did he feel like this? He wondered as he found his car in the underground car park. Why did it feel like there should be more, that they both had more to say, just didn't feel like the time to say it. Warrick knew, even if Sara had said everything she wanted to say, including goodbye, he still had more. He still had a confession to make about the way he felt that night. About the way he still felt about her. That she had barely left his thoughts in the last six months. That Cassie was just a reminder of what there relationship could have been compared to what it was lacking between him and Cassie. He knew there was a reason he had blown off the last four dinner dates with Cassie. But like any good bloke, he wasn't going to admit it to himself let alone anyone else.

His phone rang, and as if she knew he was thinking about her, Cassie was on the over end of the line. He remembered he was meant to have phoned her this afternoon and had forgotten. Somehow.

He managed hello before he told her, probably out of the blue it seemed to her that he couldn't see her anymore. And that he was sorry, really sorry. That it wasn't her, it was him. And goodbye. Wishing that he hadn't heard that word already today. Goodbye. Wondering how different it would be now if Sara hadn't heard him talking to Cassie earlier.

How messed up could things get? But as he was thinking about that, he thought of one thing he hadn't tried yet. He hadn't asked her not to leave. He hadn't asked her to stay. That had been the start of all this. Why couldn't it be the finish of all this? Maybe if he finally admitted that maybe he loved her then she wouldn't go away again. Although missing out the maybe would be a good start. Because he did love her. If only he'd told her that earlier. If only he'd stayed that night, in the comfort of her arms. Not got scared and walked out. But all the what ifs now wouldn't bring her back. No, this time he had to be the one to start the conversation. And whilst it wasn't particularly original, admitting his feelings would probably be the best place to start. He pointed his car towards the airport, not sure when her flight would be, but knowing that eventually she would have to go through there to get one out of the city she was determined to leave behind.

'I love you.'

Sara's head jerked up, wondering if she had been dreaming. That had sounded like Warrick's voice. She was standing at the security line, waiting to have her bags checked, and her shoes examined before they let her into the departure lounge. There was some problem with the metal detector gate and the line hadn't moved in about five minutes. That was where the dreaming had come into it, anyway. She looked up, and jumped when she saw Warrick in front of her. Her head felt two steps behind as she said 'sorry?'

Warrick breathed deeply, he'd just sprinted from his car into the airport, seen her in the security line about to pass through into departures and ran for her. He was aware of everyone else, bored in the security line, watching them in interest. Perhaps this wasn't the best place, but hey, nothing else had worked.

'I said I love you.'

She blinked. Took a few moments, cocked her head to the side. 'So?' She asked eventually.

He was startled for a moment, but took a moment, composing words. 'So, I love you. And I realise what a jerk I've been to you, but you've got to realise something. I've never said those words to anyone. Ever. And it scares me, and I realise that this isn't the best place for this declaration but I can't let you get on that plane.' He finished, his voice rising in desperation.

Sara looked around, only then seeming to notice the curious looks on them. 'Shit, Warrick, you really know how to mess up my plans.' She told him, although Warrick could see a hint of a smile playing at her lips.

'Can we at least talk?'

In silence, Sara followed him out of the security line. 'My plane leaves in an hour.' She told him.

'There'll be another one.' He told her. 'Besides, you haven't heard what I want to say, yet.'

Sara looked at him, permission to spill everything on his chest, he presumed. He took it as that anyway. 'I can't say goodbye again. I won't. I can't let you leave like this. Because that night was the best night of my life, and I don't want it to be the only one. But I'm scared that if you leave it will be and I'll never meet someone like you.'

She was listening, he could tell that much. Any thoughts she was having were being kept strictly off her face, though. He carried on. A speech he knew off by heart. The speech he had prepared for the last time she had left. Just never got up the nerve to say to her then.

'I wanted to come last time. To your apartment, to the airport. I even dreamed I would catch you just as your plane was leaving. I spent six months wanting to call, but I was scared that even if I said I wanted you to stay you would leave and I would be left with nothing. And I realise that's an excuse, that it doesn't excuse anything I've said to you, or the way I've acted to you, but it's the truth. I left that morning, without saying anything, and that makes me the biggest jerk going, but I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me. I…I didn't think you could feel for me the same as I felt for you. So somehow, I thought it would be easier for you if I left first, before you woke up. And then you told me that you were going anyway, and that seemed to confirm it.'

Sara tried to interrupt, but Warrick, anticipating what she was about to say, carried on talking. 'I know, that I should have tried harder to find a way to ask you to stay. And I know it's taken me six months. But this is it. This is the truth. There was never anything between Cassie and me. Ever. I've been blowing her off even before you came back into town. Nothing feels right without you here. I think we both had things left to say, and that's mine. I love you, and I don't want you to go.' He stopped, took a breath. Feeling better just for telling her even if she hadn't replied yet.

She had been looking at his feet, but now she looked up studied his eyes, laid his soul bare for him it felt. 'You're right, we've both had things to say that we haven't said. I wanted to tell you how much it hurt when you weren't there when I woke up. How long I waited for you to ask me to stay. I told you it was easier if I just left because I thought that was what you wanted to hear. I never told you how much that night meant to me. I waited for you to come and stop me going, but I knew, at the same time, I had given you no reason to ask. And for the record, I think I love you.'

Warrick arched an eyebrow. 'Think you love me?' he asked.

'Well, I'd need a re-run of that night, just to make sure it wasn't a dream, to be sure.'

Warrick smiled in relief at the joke, Sara joining him, and for a moment, they just stood there looking at each other and smiling. 'May I take your bag?' Warrick finally asked.

'Sure, not like it's heavy.' Sara said, but instead of giving him the bag, she dropped it to the floor instead, her now empty hands cupping his jaw, her lips were they'd spent the last six months wishing they could be. The kiss every bit as sweet as she remembered.

All the sweeter because when they broke from it he looked at her, his voice husky. 'We need to go now. I don't think they'd appreciate me stripping you here in the departure lounge.'

Sara had to smile as he led her to his car.

Epilogue

Sara watched him sleeping, thinking idly about the sudden change in plans, but mostly, just marvelling at the sight of Warrick. Turned out that all the thoughts of the last night they had spent together hadn't been exaggerated. And this night had been all the better for the new honesty between them.

He lay resting against her, and she ran her fingers through his hair gently. She remembered thinking a while back, about her one regret of that night, that the one thing she would change about the last time would be not falling asleep. That she should have stayed awake and not let him leave.

But it isn't the reason for her wakefulness now. She trusts him when he says he loves her. That he never wants to say goodbye to her again. She's just trying to get the last six months into order in her mind. Putting the old ghosts to rest. Really, just revelling in the feel of his skin against hers. Of not having to relive old memories again and again, because she knows that this isn't going to be a one off, this is going to be the forever. And not even that thought is enough to scare her anymore.