*

            Even if we can someday get home…

            Nothing will ever be the same, will it?

            Because we ourselves have changed…

*

            "Kairi?"

            Without thinking, I turned from the window.

            Riku's body jolted upward.  "You're—crying—?"

            Rivers of tears, warm and wet, were flowing steadily down my face.  I could not stop them and made no attempt to do so.  I merely stood there, my hands hanging at my sides, and stared passively at my startled friend.

            Riku's face suddenly contorted with pain—the shock of rising so quickly caught up with him.  He squeezed his eyes shut and his mouth compressed into a grimace.  One of his hands rose up to hold his head.

            "Go back to sleep," I wanted to tell him, but my lips did not move.  I was standing there, feeling nothing at all, not even the remorse I knew I should be buried under.

            I was just…numb.

            The boy clenched his teeth and started to move.  Riku planted his feet on the floor, then edged forward to slide off the couch and stand.  He was approaching me before I knew it.  He stood over me, teetering back and forth just slightly.

            My eyes did not move:  they stared straight ahead, into his chest.

            Riku's hand cupped my chin and he gently pulled my head so that I had to look up at him.  The sorrow in his aqua eyes began to chip away at my frozen heart.  "Kairi," he whispered.  "What's wrong?"

            I turned my head one way and then the other.  I still could not speak.

            "Please don't lie to me."

            My body only shook with silent sobs.

            "I…"  His eyes left my face.  "Please."

            "I can't tell you, I'm sorry," I said at last.

            His head swiveled around instantly at the sound of my breaking voice.  "What can't you tell me?"

            I shook my head again.  "No."

            "I can't stand up anymore.  C'mere."  He took my hand and we both went to sit on the couch.  Everything in the house was dark and quiet, and the movements the two of us made seemed to be in slow motion.  Even as Riku spread the blanket over my lap, I swear I could not feel it.

            It's like I'm not alive! I thought, beginning to panic.  I threw myself against Riku, pressing my body to his side, wrapping my arms about him.  I let my cheek rest on his chest and waited for what seemed like an eternity.

            There.  I heard his heart beat.  I felt his warmth against my skin.  I was alive, and so was he.  The world wasn't an illusion.

            "Why are you so afraid?" Riku wondered softly.  His arms came down around me and he held me closer against him.

            I could feel again; the numbness was losing its hold on me.  My heart became aware and it ached within my chest.  I wanted to tell Riku the truth, but at the same time I knew I could not.

            "I…I want to take care of you," Riku told me.

            I dared to raise my eyes to his face, which was aimed straight ahead.  I raised one hand and let my fingers graze the surface of one of his bruises.  "But you're the one who's hurt."

            "Aerith gave me plenty of potion, and I think it's working.  I'm fine now, Kairi."

            I could have laughed.  We were sitting there, smiling fake smiles and assuring one another with transparent lies.

            Riku began to run his fingers through my hair, holding my head to his chest.  I needed him then—more than I had ever needed anyone before.

            "The world seems so strange," I confessed.  "Everything is so…unreal…"

            "Have you slept at all?"

            "No."

            "Maybe you just need to rest."

            "I wish it was that easy."

            Riku reached over and turned off the small light.  It was completely dark in the room now.  "Just rest," he said.

            "I—can't…"  My sobs began with renewed vigor.  Each time I closed my eyes I saw the photograph of Aiko.  Whenever I happened to brush against my own skin I knew it did not rightfully belong to me.

            My place in this world had been commandeered, not created, as I had always so foolishly believed…

            "Kairi, I wish you trusted me."

            If I concentrated enough, I could see fuzzy memories…right up until the moment Aiko passed away beneath the bright florescent lights of the hospital operating room…

            "I don't want to die," I cried into his chest.

            He shushed me, holding my face again with his hand.  His grasp was firm but gentle.  "You won't die."

            "But…"  The fear that comes with the moment of death was racing through me.

            Riku pulled me against him.  I disappeared within his embrace—happily.  At that moment, the thing I desired least was to exist.  I didn't want to think, I didn't want to feel…  In that darkness, I became nothing, and I sensed nothing save Riku's warmth.

            I continued to push closer to him, grasping desperately at his shirt.

            "You won't die," he repeated.  "I would never let it happen."

            The night Riku's father had rejected him, I had held the boy in my arms as long as he needed.  Riku was now returning the favor.  He held me until I slept.

            Friends we truly were.

*

            Mom called the next day.  Yuffie answered while I panicked.  I could not speak to her now, not when I knew the truth.  I would have loved nothing more than to collapse into the woman's arms and let her console me as she always had.  But she was not mine to love and cherish so; she was a dead girl's parent, and she cared for me only because she had been brainwashed into thinking I was Aiko.

            Yuffie frowned sadly at me, but she was quick to make up an excuse.

            "I'm sorry, Suzuki-san, but Kairi's in the shower right now.  I haven't seen her for a while, so I would really like to hang out with her today.  Is that okay?"  There was a pause.  "Awesome.  Well, talk to ya later!"  She placed the receiver back in its cradle and looked at me.

            "Thank you," I breathed.

            Squall and Cloud had arrived in the very early hours of the morning, sometime after I had fallen asleep.  Yuffie showed up at around eleven.  She had gone home for a while after their patrol last night.

            Now it was almost noon.  I was sitting quietly on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest.  Everyone was in other parts of the house, save Yuffie, who had just rescued me from an unpleasant phone call.  She came over now and sat down.

            "Hey, what's the matter?  Why couldn't you talk to your mom?"

            I shook my head and prepared myself for the lie.  "I was afraid she'd be mad at me for being at so late."

            Yuffie clapped me on the back jovially.  "She wasn't mad, she was just worried."

            I nodded and forced a fake smile of relief to surface on my face.

            Yuffie peered at me.  "Aw, what's the matter, Kai?"

            "N-Nothing," I said, this lie much less convincing than the first.

            "I know ev'rything is difficult with Sora 'n all, but you're strong enough to get through it, don't worry."

            Sora.  I hadn't thought about Sora in all those hours since my discovery last night!

            Yuffie gave me a quick hug.  "Let's get you into some clean clothes, okay?  Then we can go hang out!"

            We did go out, despite fate, destiny, and everything else.  Cleans clothes—another outfit courtesy of Aerith—were arranged for me, and then Yuffie and I visited a shopping district close by.  We tried on various clothing at a fashionable store, each deciding on one item for ourselves—a shirt for Yuffie and a dress for me—and then stopped at a small café to rest the bodies shopping had tired.

            The place was a small shop, and its interior was paneled with wood.  A kiosk of a counter was in the center, where all the drinks and snacks were prepared and sold.  Around it were scattered several small, round tables with stools, each perfect for an intimate chat.  I decided I liked the café—it smelled pleasantly of cedar, and was bright and airy.  There was a variety of artwork decorating the walls, framed pieces by local artists.  The one on the wall behind Yuffie portrayed the swirling ocean under a twilight sky.  It was very beautiful, and I stared into it when my companion got up to pick up our order.

            I reached into my pocket and let my fingers slide over the glossy surface of the photograph, just to make sure it was still there.  The coziness of the café allowed me to keep a leash on my emotions; otherwise, I surely would have broken down again right then and there.

            The colors of my world that day were especially stark, the contrasts between light and dark extreme.  There was a chill I possessed that I could not shake, and yet I ignored it all to play along in the game that so often is life.  I had already crumpled under the pressures loaded upon me and now I was forced to function by any means possible.

            So I had been vain and picked out a dress I believed was complimentary to my figure, so I had been greedy and ordered only the most delicious of teas and the sweetest of chocolate cookies.

            Yuffie returned with our steaming mugs and treats.  She had chosen a muffin for herself and went about eating it right away.  I pulled a bite-sized piece from my cookie and tentatively placed it in my mouth.  It was delicious.

            "How was it to get your memories back?" I asked.

            Yuffie straightened, apparently surprised.  "Interesting," she replied after a second's hesitation.

            "Interesting?"  I tore off another piece of cookie.

            "I just kinda woke up a couple days ago knowing I had this other life.  I went and found the Squall and Aerith and told 'em."  She looked up from her tea, which she had been stirring.  "What else was I supposed ta do?"

            I shrugged.

            "Anyway," Yuffie said, her eyes shining and her fingers on one hand clenching into a fist.  "It's been too long since I got to use shuriken!"  A metallic sparkle appeared between two of her fingers.  She grinned and made it melt back into her hand.

            I took the painted ceramic mug into both of my hands and held it up to puff away the steam rising from the liquid inside.  The cup was a lustrous dark blue, and felt good beneath my chilled fingers.

            Yuffie planted one elbow on the table, and then her head rather pointedly on the connected hand.  She stared out the window into the hustle of the winter afternoon.

            "What?" I inquired softly, not wishing to be alone with my unsettling thoughts.

            "It's gonna be so weird," she declared.  "Goin' back to school, I mean."

            I sat up a little straighter.  The exotic foreign drink, the spicy-sweet chai, sloshed within the mug, but did not spill.

            Yuffie sighed suddenly, her breath causing a few sprigs of dark brown hair to flutter momentarily above her somber face.  She turned toward me.  "How is anythin' gonna be normal?"

            "I dunno," I said honestly.

            I didn't think it ever could be again.  How could I try to solve equations or remember the stroke order for a difficult kanji?  Was there any way we could all keep up the pretense of being average situations when we most certainly were not?

            "I guess we could fight Heartless during lunch break," Yuffie said, trying to make a joke.

            Half a smile was the best I could manage.

*

            I removed my glove and again felt the photo, tucked safely within my coat pocket.  As far as I was aware, no one knew I had taken it or that I had any idea about the circumstances of my arrival in Japan.

            It was the last day of vacation.  I had come home the night before after going out with Yuffie.  I had acted as normally as possible with Mom, but feigned exhaustion from my 'long day of shopping' and gone to bed early, and she had gone to work without waking me.  I had prepared dinner, left a note, and gone out long before she arrived home.

            I began a journey with no direction.

            I traveled along slowly and carefully.  It was a few hours after darkness had settled itself over the city.  Clouds swept across the sky and began to let down a gradual, tingling mist.  My cheeks were hot with all of my ponderings, so I much appreciated the cold moisture against my skin.

            I stopped to refasten the hood of my coat and happened to gaze upward.  I saw the giant cross of a church I was all too familiar with.  I remained where I stood for quite some time.  The mist slowly evolved into a drizzle.

            The breeze that had once been departed and was replaced by fiercely strong and cold gusts.  One of these freed my head of the constriction of the hood.  The tiny shards of ice falling from the sky burned across my exposed skin and slipped, melting as they went, down my back.

            Everyone changes so much during their lives, but usually these shifts in manner and taste are so gradual that no one notices that it is happening.  A specific transformation from one phase to another is hard to identify.

            Not so was the case with me.  I knew when I had changed, and why.  I was much different now than before two nights ago.  I was harder on the outside, and absolutely broken within.

            I screamed.

            I fell to my knees in that lonely churchyard and cried out for my lost innocence.  I wished harder than ever to be back on Destiny Islands, playing pathetic children's games with my naïve little friends.  I had lost something with the passing of my childhood, something precious that I could only now recognize.

            The ice crystals sparkled and danced in the shafts of light from the spotlights illuminating the great church.  Water froze on the barren trees, the sidewalks, the walls of the buildings…  Everything glowed.

            I hated this world and loved nothing in it.

            I wanted everything back that I could never have again.   I wanted races on the beach and cold coconut sundaes and prickling sunburns and scrapes on my knees and stupid fights and humiliating making ups.  I wanted no more of Heartless and separation and battles and tears and betrayals.

            I most specifically did not want the charge of a certain item.  I summoned the thing to my hand and heaved it at the church.

            The Oathkeeper screeched across the newly formed layer of ice and came to rest on the first of the church's great stone steps.  I gave it a long, hard look more penetrating than the frigid wind reddening my cheeks and ears.

            I was about to leave when a figure arrived to take charge of the cursed thing in my stead.

            A lone, gloved hand gently swooped down and took hold of the handle.

            "You know," Sora said, hefting the thing with a great smile taking shape on his face, "I could teach you how to use this."

***