*

            Change overtakes you when you don't want to see it.

            Before you know it, you're so different that it no longer matters.

            You don't even care that you've lost who you truly are.

*

            Aiko had been very pretty.  Her face was round and her large eyes sparkled from above flushed cheeks and a huge, carefree smile.  She had long black hair that reflected the light in such a way that it seemed she glowed softly.

            I stared at the girl's photograph so much that I began to feel as though I actually knew her.  She was an open person, it seemed—friendly and kind and silly when she wanted.  It seemed sometimes that she could walk out of the picture and have a conversation with me, no questions asked, and the two of us could be best friends.

            I always kept her picture close to my heart.

*

            Time passed.

            I distanced myself from almost everyone as my lessons with Sora progressed.  I would be pleasant enough during school hours to Aerith or Squall, at least when I had to, and Yuffie and I played DDR or went to a café together every so often.  Still, the meetings their group and me grew fewer as winter faded.  And Riku…I spoke with him as little as possible.

            One early Friday evening in late March, my mother and I were seated on a pair of floor cushions in front of the television.  The game had been put away—my game, now.  Mom had found a discounted Playstation 2 (that was the black box thing everything was hooked up to via cords and cables) and then purchased DDR and a dance pad just for me.

            So I was hugging my knees to my chest and teetering back and forth on my back end as the reporters informed us of the events of the world.  Apparently, an international team of meteorologists was studying the strange weather phenomena that had affected Japan for the past year.  My mother commented softly that she, too, was curious about the strangely strong and irregular weather.  I was completely disinterested until I remembered that I had first shown up in Japan about a year before.

            Could there be a connection?

            "Do you remember that typhoon we had your first week of school?" Mom said when a commercial for soy sauce came on.  "You were stranded at the school overnight with your friends and a couple of your teachers!  I was so worried, but I couldn't get home from my office 'til late that night…"

            I nodded.  Of course I remembered.  That had been right before I blacked out for months.  I remembered the balls of light—blue and red.  I straightened slightly, my knees unfolding themselves and my legs sprawling across the floor.

            "Something wrong, honey?"

            "No," I lied quickly.  "I was just thinking about that night."

            "Something did happen to you," the woman said, the look in her eyes growing farther away.  I remember…yes…it was the middle of the night, maybe four in the morning when there was a knock on the door and there was Riku holding your soaked body!"  Mom gripped her chest.  "I was so terrified for you.  He said you hit your head on something in the basement…"

            "Oh," I said.  "I can't really remember."

            "You did act a little strangely for a while after that," she said.  "I took you to a doctor, but they said you were fine.  They said it was just the effects of the concussion."  She frowned slightly.

            "Hmm?"  I sensed there was something she was holding back from me.  "What is it?"

            "Nothing, nothing," she assured me.  "Just…it must have just been the stress.  I can't remember that time so clearly myself."

            My heart beat a little faster.  Something had happened, then.  And not just to me—

            Mom suddenly hugged me very tightly.  "What's important is that you're all right now."  She stroked my back with motherly affection.  "I don't know what I would do without you.  You're my whole life, you know that?"

            Tears instantly pooled in the corners of my eyes.  Her love for me was so strong, and I returned it to her tenfold.  I was torn between my need of having a mother and my guilt of her not really being mine.  All her kindness wasn't intended for me; it was for her true daughter.  For Aiko.

            I had tried to push Mom away, but she always came to me when I was upset.  I tried to distance myself from her along with everyone else, but I had failed time and time again.  I needed her too much.  I had lived most of my life without a mother.  I had been so strong and independent.  One short year in Japan had made me soft.

            I really needed to harden that part of me again…

            Our embrace ended and mother checked her watch.  She straightened.

            "What's up?" I wondered, blinking away my tears so she wouldn't see them.

            "He's going to be here in ten minutes, and I'm not ready!"

            "He?"

            "Didn't I tell you I had a date tonight, honey?  A man from the building next door asked me out…he was over in Europe for the past couple months, but he's back and he wanted to take me out to dinner."  She informed me of this on her way to the bedroom.

            An ad for the upcoming six o'clock gossip program flashed across the screen.  I lifted the remote and snapped off the television.  I was a little upset that my mother made plans for the night and had not told me.

            No wonder she hadn't made any dinner yet.  I had secretly been hoping it could have been one of the Friday nights when the two of us went out to the American restaurant a few blocks down or picked up ice cream at the convenience store.

            Sora was gone too, on a trip to someplace.  I hadn't seen him for a two weeks.  I did my best not to think about him.  Then I couldn't miss him too much.

            I sighed to myself, trying to mentally reconstruct my plans for the evening.  Mom emerged from the bedroom only to disappear once more, this time into the bathroom.  She had put on black slacks and a shimmering sleeveless blouse of a dark amethyst color.  When I saw her again, her hair was pulled back to show off her perfectly formed ears, pink lipstick graced her lips, and a small amount of blush warmed her cheeks.  She had me help attach a pendant around her neck and a bracelet over her slim wrist.

            "It's not too much, is it?" she asked me, frowning slightly.

            I smiled to see my mother act so much like a girl.  This was the first time in a long while that she had had a date.

            "Just what're you smirking about?" she said indignantly, trying to feign anger.  "I helped get you ready for plenty of dates, honey!"

            "I'm just happy for you," I told her earnestly, smiling with all my heart.

            "Speaking of that…maybe you could go down and ask Riku to eat with you."

            "Riku…?"

            "I know you've had problems with him lately, honey, but that boy really cares about you.  Would it kill you to spend an evening with him?"

            "Of course not…"

            "You'll be lonely all by yourself.  Promise me you'll go down?"

            "Yes, Mom."

            The doorbell rang and my mother jumped up.  "I-I'm not ready!" she stuttered nervously.  "Where are my black shoes?"

            The bell rang again.  I went to answer it.  I opened the door and had to step back when I saw who it was.

            "Cid!"

            Indeed, the man was standing before me, looking exceptionally clean-shaven.  His sandy blond hair was freshly cut and he was wearing casual black slacks and a navy blue sport jacket.  The man was also holding a bouquet of daisies.

            And he looked as shocked to see me as I was to see him.  Finally he asked, "You're Sakura's daughter?"

            Mom was suddenly at my side.  "Do you two know each other?"  She wore a huge, expectant smile.

            "A little.  I'm friends with some of her teachers," Cid explained quickly.  He held out the flowers to my mother and she squeaked.  I pressed my lips together to keep myself from laughing at the girlish reaction.

            "How thoughtful of you, Cid," my mother cooed, inhaling the fragrance of the bouquet.  She passed the flowers to me and we all stood there for a very awkward minute.

            "I, uh, think I might have left the car running," the man interjected suddenly, shifting his weight.

            "In that case, would you put those in some water, honey?" Mom asked, slipping into her coat as her date held it up.

            "Sure.  You guys have a good time."

            Mom gave me a final peck on the cheek.  "Remember what you promised me?"

            "Yeah, I know."

            "Okay.  'Night, Kairi."

            Cid tipped his head at me.  I bowed politely.

            As I closed the door behind them, I saw Cid offering his arm to my mother.  She took it happily, and I knew the blooming color in her cheeks was not from any makeup.

*

            After sitting by myself for a while that night, a strange mood overcame me.

            There was this creeping change that had begun at the church after I found Aiko's picture.  Although I had not noticed it, it had been working very diligently within me.  It drove away my friends and took me from my schoolwork.  It made me determined to perfect my body.  I not only looked different, but I acted and thought differently as well.  Perhaps Mom noticed a touch of it, but no one else had a chance to, and I was so in the middle of the sweeping transformation that I took no notion of it until much, much later.

            That night I made a snap decision and all in a moment I had a destination that I would reach no matter what.

            I washed quickly and donned a short green skirt and an orange tank top.  I even pulled out my mom's pink lipstick and spread color across my lips.  I pulled my hair to the top of my head into a tight, springy ponytail and I strapped on white sandals with thick heels.

            I studied myself in the mirror for a while.  My bare arms and legs looked much better than they had only months earlier.  Training and DDR had done their work to tone my body.  I played DDR at least and hour and a half a day with small weights strapped to my wrists and ankles.  I did push-ups and jumping jacks and lifted weights, too, and spent my weekly lessons with Sora swinging the Keyblade in increasingly complex motions.  I was stronger and quicker now.

            Pleased with my appearance, I decided it was time to go.

            At six-thirty I was downstairs knocking on Riku's door.  I tilted my head and clasped my hands behind my back.  When the door opened and my silver-haired friend saw me, I smiled sweetly at him.  He did look rather handsome that night—he had no shirt and his pants weren't completely fastened.  Riku looked down and his skin, whitened somewhat by the absence of sunlight during the wintertime, went bright red.

            I blushed a little myself and waited while he ran back into the apartment.  He returned in a moment, wearing a shirt with a belt holding his pants securely in place.  He ran his hand through his hair and smiled nervously.

            "Sorry, I wasn't exactly expecting anybody…"

            "Want me to leave?"

            "No, no—uh…"  Riku hadn't paled quite yet.  "What're you doing here?"

            "My mother's out tonight and she said it'd be nice if I could come eat with you."

            Riku was looking me up and down, even though I know he probably didn't mean to.  He was frozen in place, just staring at me.  I'd never seen him like that.  I had some sort of power over him now.

            And I kind of liked it.

            I took a few steps and looked right up into his face.  "I'm sorry for everything, Riku.  I've been really mean to you.  I was ashamed for hurting you and I couldn't bring myself to face you…"  I placed my hand on his arm.  "Let me apologize.  I can cook you dinner, if you want.  Or we could cook together?"

            He just nodded.  His stiffened body was so close to me now, and his beautiful sea green eyes were very wide.  Riku had this special warmth, this special scent, this special aura about him that made the blood rush through my body, that made my temperature rise.

            "So?" I prodded, squeezing the material of his shirt between my fingers.  "Shall we do it?"

            "Do…what?"

            "Cook dinner, silly," I laughed.  I pulled away and closed the door.  Then I leaned down and untangled the ribbons of white leather binding the sandals to my feet.

            I don't know what kept my body so wonderfully warm—his aura or this new power I found I had over him.  Either way it felt great.

            "Must be hard for you.  You used to have a chef to cook for your family, right?"

            "I found I really enjoy cooking, though," he told me.  His body finally relaxed and he followed me to the kitchenette area of the apartment.  "What would you like to make?  I was just going to have some instant ramen, but…"

            I bent over to inspect the lowest shelves of his refrigerator right as Riku came up behind me.  I heard him draw back and couldn't resist smiling to myself.  I knew he was looking at me, at my legs and at everything else.

            Anyway, his fridge was stocked with several cans of orange pop, jugs of milk and juice, fruit and vegetables, a container of eggs, and plenty of meat.  His parents supplied him with a generous allowance to supply all of that.  I told him so and he said they sent over the butler with all the groceries so he would eat right.  The only thing he had bought for himself was the pop.

            "What, uh, would you like to, uh, cook then?"

            I stood up.  "You know that American restaurant, Johnny's Place?"

            "Yeah.  Never been there, though."

            "I had something there once that I think we could make.  This omelet.  It's really good.  You add ham, onion, green pepper and…cheese."

            "Sounds great," Riku told me.

            I poked him in the stomach.  "It'll be a lot better than instant ramen!"

            Riku and I washed our hands and I had him tie a towel around my waist to protect my skirt.  He fumbled with the knot for several warm, close moments.

            "Let's get started with that omelet," he breathed finally.

            "Okay," I agreed.

            I turned on an oven burner and Riku took out and greased a saucepan to put on it.  I cracked eggs into a large bowl and whisked them with a fork while my companion sliced sections of green pepper, onion, and ham into small pieces.  The eggs filled the pan and Riku and I took turns dropping grated cheese, ham, onion, and pepper into it.

            Riku was watching it cook.  I inspected his apartment, which was Western-style.  The floor was covered in a thick sapphire carpet.  His furniture consisted of a large leather couch and a coffee table made of cherry wood, with a black armchair on the side.  He had a flatscreen television hanging on the far wall.  Two speakers were attached to the top corners of the room.

            His family did have a lot of money.

            I returned to where Riku was and went up on the tips of my toes to look over his shoulder.  "Is it almost ready?"

            "Mmm," he replied.  I grabbed a large plate from the cupboard—one of fine white china—and he used a spatula to deliver our dinner onto it.

            "Where should we eat it?"

            "The couch is fine," Riku told me, shrugging.  He opened a drawer and got out two silver forks and two large cloth napkins for us.  After putting the food on the coffee table, I went back to the kitchen and poured us each a slim glass of milk.

            We ate our omelet and drank our milk.  I excused myself to his luxurious bathroom a little while afterwards, to fix my hair and steal a sip of mouthwash.  I washed my hands and reapplied my lipstick.

            The only thing directing me at that time was that feeling Riku gave me.  Being close to him caused such pleasant sensations to course through my body, and at that moment I wanted to get as much of those feelings as I could.  I wasn't thinking about anything else at all.

            I came out into the main room.  Riku was putting away dishes so I stretched my body across the couch.  When he joined me, I sat up and slid close to him.

            "Kairi…uh…this is…I mean…"

            He was trying to think this out, trying to understand what was going on.  I didn't want him to think.  From the way he was acting, he liked the way I made him feel very much.  That was enough.  He didn't have to use his brain at a time like this.

            I planted my lips just beneath Riku's ear and kissed gently.  He inhaled sharply and shivered.

            I reached across him, brushing my body against his, and turned off the lamp.  Now there was no light, save that from the streetlight outside tricking in through the gap between the curtains.  There was only that smell of Riku's that drove me wild, there was only the texture of his hair slipping through my fingers and his warm neck beneath my lips.

            He didn't do anything for a while.  It felt wonderful to have that power to paralyze him.  It felt even better, though, when he finally grabbed me against him and pushed me down and kissed and kissed me.

***

there *was* a purpose to this chapter.  it's all part of my master plan…

on a much more serious note, i really want to ask something of everyone who reads this.  recently  i experienced a terrible loss…in fact, i'm very glad i had this writing to get my mind away from it for the past couple hours.  what i want to say to every person i can is this:  if you ever feel depressed, if you ever feel like hurting yourself, or, in extreme cases, taking your own life…please don't.  there are so many people that care about you even if you feel like there's not a single one.  you need to talk to someone you trust who can get you help.  if you feel like you have no one to talk to, i want you to get in touch with me.  email me or talk to me on AIM.  you might feel bad now, but you will be able to feel better later.  there's people who can help you.  please.  you don't know how many people you can hurt or how badly you can hurt them by taking your life.  you have a lot to live for.  you have the entire future.  don't give that all up.  please don't think there's only one solution, because there are so many more.