Disclaimer: Neither Kaoru nor Tomoe belongs to me, let alone the wonderful song by Saliva. I'm just here for comic relief/mass confusion so please don't kill me.

Find it in your Heart

"Is this seat taken?"

The first thing she said to me. I miss hearing it coming from her, but probably not as much as I miss her. Never. Her long flowing locks, her orbs of endless depth, her brightly flamed aura slightly dimmed by the years she carried along with the burden...

The burden...

I'd never guessed.

Each time she fought unscathed, every thing that happened which could not be explained by logic... I merely assumed that she was so extraordinary in her duty that she managed to escape unharmed.

Snorting at my foolish assumption, I picked up the Cosmopolitan on the table and drowned it in one gulp.

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again

I was seated at the same place, as the same time, drinking the same drink... her drink. But she wasn't here any longer. Funny how I always thought that it was my inexperience, my obvious eagerness that pushed her away, never thinking that she was equally shackled by responsibilities and destiny's hand.

Staring at the drink in my hand, I frowned at it, as though it held the key to all my queries.

Where is she?

What is she doing now?

Who is she with?

How is she?

Is she safe?

Smiling?

...Happy?

But the drink remained silent amidst the deafening beat of the club music, refusing to answer my questions.

Typical.

'Cos this hurts deeper than I thought it did

"Himura."

Saitou did not say anything else. He did not need to. Despite not getting along with me, Saitou and I have reached an agreement that we would remain civil to each other. Anyway, it never bothered me... much. We both knew the reason behind our hostility, but refused to acknowledge it, or she.

Yes. Kaoru was the reason behind our meeting, yet the very article of sour feelings between us.

"I know I know. It's just a little nick, it won't come between me and the next enemy." I growled as I absently scratched the bandage. I hated it when I got injuries from fights, especially those with the pungent Morlocks because that would mean that I was distracted.

"There will be no next enemy, at least not for awhile because it is not just a little nick. You broke your damned arm! You can't wrestle a twelve year old, let alone fight a Morlock!" Saitou glared at me with something a little better than contempt as I faced off his rage with my own menacing stare.

The only thing worse than getting distracted in those situations was having Saitou find out through such obvious injuries. I somehow manage to live through it, barely scraping pass his veiled insults and hinted threats. But they were mostly the same - Foul up and you're getting booted.

Which is why I never allow myself to become immobile.

"I can do it. Hand me the gun and the triple Alphas. I will do it if I have to crawl with this arm."

The moment I lose my mobility, I will be letting her down. I was brought here to replace her, she trusted me enough to allow me this prestigious and life-threatening position. I could not back down, not while she was out there fighting... fighting for all of us.

"Don't think that just because Kamiya thinks you're good that makes you the hotshot of this bureau. I'm still the Commander around here, and you're going to rest for the next three months until you're out of that plaster and in fighting shape. Until then, all missions and operations will be suspended until further notice."

I gaped. Saitou has never allowed me healing time. He always told me that as a Special Officer, I was required to heal at work. Like he always sniped 'stop fooling around and wasting time'. He has never suspended operations before. There was something fishy going on. He was going to send me off. I just knew it.

"I refuse. I know myself best. Quit fooling around Saitou, I can't rest."

"You can't or you won't? She's not going to want that and you know it."

Slamming Saitou's lean frame against the wall, I pushed myself up to his height as my good arm locked itself against his neck. Surprise barely registered through his eyes as he bore down on me, waiting to see my next move.

"Don't talk about her. She would want me to fight. I can't rest." I breathed heavily as the exertion stole most of my breath as well as Saitou's. Despite knowing that he was right, I couldn't follow his commands. Not this time. Not when she needed me.

"Do you know what's the hardest part of the job?... It's the knowledge that as you fight, no one is going to thank you, no one is going to see that you're fighting their battle and when you get home, it's still that same dinghy apartment, that same loneliness you're facing. No change."

I refuse to let her see it that way. I will not allow her to continue on thinking that her life was to be lived as a shadow, an echo that would never be seen or heard. She was appreciated and cherished, and I would fight to the last Kaiji to make it easier for her.

"Dammit Himura. Can you stop turning psycho at me every time I talk about her? It's inevitable. Can you let go of the uniform? My wife is going to have to starch it again."

Staring at him for a goodly five minutes, I finally resisted the urge to poke him to see if his poker face was a farce and released him. He was right. Kaoru was an integral part of the unit despite her absence and avoiding the topic was meaningless.

"You need this time off. Take it. Go somewhere, holiday or rot all you like. Just get out of my face. You need to heal, and you know I'm talking about more than just the arm."

It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine

The club music was louder than normal today. Perhaps it was because New Year has rolled by again and everyone was down here to soak up the atmosphere and celebrate the festive season. I? I was just here to find some memories that I left behind for safekeeping.

It's somewhere here, I just know it.

Squinting at the dark corners where shapeless bodies were writhing to the rhythmic beat, I searched for a face that somehow was important. The haze in my mind refused to clear as I glanced around the room, willing it to stop spinning so I could find her.

'Her. Her who?'

Peering at the colourful liquid Cosmopolitan in my cup, I tried to find the answer at the bottom of the cup.

'Maybe if I emptied it, it would be easier to search?'

I drained the cup to no avail. There were no answers. There never was.

But somewhere behind me, a song was playing. Music sounding so loud it drowned out the crazy version of Sisqo's latest rendition of The Thong Song. What was that song? It's too familiar.

What is it?

It's her song.

What was her song?

I turned around, so fast that the room spun out of control until I held my head in my hands, pressing at my temples so someone could find the 'stop' button and ram their fingers against it.

It was only then that I realized the song was behind me, and that no matter how many times I rotate my head it always remained behind me. Like a memory. A distant beautiful memory that did not belong to here and now.

... beautiful ...

You look so beautiful tonight
Reminds me how you laid us down



I remembered.

How could I ever forget?

"What is your favourite song?"

"Her most beautiful smile by Taro Iwashiro."

I never forgot. Not a single detail, not even if I was drunk on the memories, not even if I was having a headache the size of Mount Fuji.

"No no, oh Kami, no. I... I've finally found her most beautiful smile, don't make me lose it again..."

But as I fell from the bar stool onto the ground, into pitiful darkness, I knew that I had lost it once more.

And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

I loved the park this time of the year, when the leaves were all finding their way off the branches, continuing the cycle of life below. Round and round, like a carousel with no ending. A spiral forever moving on to a conclusion no one can see.

Some things were happier than most. Some days can be better than others.

After that night where I fell off the bar stool into oblivion, I forced myself out of that part of town. I still cannot recall how I reached home, but it didn't matter. I wasn't going back anymore. It was time for me to move on.

I reached out to the tree in front of me and grabbed a brown decaying leaf from its branches. It did not belong there. It was not right for the leaf to hold on incessantly, stubbornly, when it was obvious that its place was down below, with the rest of its comrades, feeding the tree for years to come.

It was time for it to move on.

Releasing the leaf from its confinement between my fingers, I watched as it gently flittered down below to its decaying grave. Who was to say that it would be unhappier down below? Who was to judge it for what it is and what it has to do.

It was time to simply move on.

...So why can't I?

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away

I walked around listlessly, trying to find some meaning in my hopeless situation. I knew what my life was about, I knew what I was about... I just needed to find something more than that. I needed a reason not to fight, but to survive every single day. It was strange, how could the reasons be different? But they are. Kaoru is my reason to enter every skirmish, every battle because she was my banner of hope. She would bring the one greatest Hope to the world and I would help her. But without her in my life, it was like all the colours had bled out of my life and all I could see was hue less grey.

Grey. The leaves were.

Grey. The flowers melted into.

Grey. The children's laughter has become.

I finally left the park as my vision swam from all the images swirling in my mind. Stumbling around, I grabbed my head and tried to find my way back to my apartment.

Unlocking the door turned out to be the hardest part, but I managed before my vision turned black and I slammed onto the floor into the sympathetic embrace of darkness.

And let me rest in pieces

I held onto the glass in my hand. I knew I had told myself to avoid the bar, but it drew me in with its dark atmosphere and alluring haze. I needed to get away and it called out to me. A force so magnetic it was almost physical.

The doctor had told me to rest, that pushing myself was only giving me dizzy spells and alcohol would not help in the least. But as I nursed my drink in my hand, I could not help but notice that my breathing had finally evened after my period of abstinence.

I had finally acknowledge to myself that she would not be here, but at least something of her was left behind.

"Is this seat taken?"

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again

I sat there shell-shocked. The club beat thumping throughout the room, settling itself in my veins. I was reluctant to turn around, afraid to scare the apparition that must have found its way to my side.

Forcing myself to remain casual, my trembling hands were the only indication of my fear as I nonchalantly answered.

"It is now, if you're willing to take it."

You got much closer than I thought you did

 A sound of rustling clothes was all I heard as she slid into the booth. A glass came into sight as she placed it deftly there without a hint of sound. My breath hitched upon seeing the identity of her liquor.

A Cosmopolitan.

Spying her from the corner of my eye, I noticed that she had long luscious hair, spinning down to her waist as she made herself comfortable. It was all I needed to be convinced.

"Kao-..."

Black. Her eyes. They were black.

Shaking her head slightly, she smiled softly at me.

"I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself."

I looked at her hand as though it were a foreign object. All the while, all I could register in my mind was that it was not she.

I am

"I'm Tomoe. Yukishiro Tomoe."

in your reach

"Shinji. Himura Shinji."

And as I shook her hand, I felt something in me awaken. An awareness I never knew existed.

You held me in your hands

Sometimes, fate would throw you a loop, a new beginning, a new chance. I had gone to a bar to find someone, only to leave it with someone else, and a whole new perspective.

I'll never forget Kaoru, or the work I've pledged to complete for her. But as I fight everyday, battling with my life as a gamble, I no longer return to a dinghy apartment without any comfort. I've found some sort of redemption for the youth I'm sacrificing. I've found my reason for survival.

A/N: A little side piece so that all the reviewers who sympathize with Shinji can see that he's ... better off? Anyway, the song is Saliva's 'Rest In Pieces'. It made me instantly think of Shinji so I decided to do this bonus chapter. It's also rather important because Tomoe may seem like an extra character right now, but something she does would be the turning point for the entire story. So please let me know if this is too confusing [I'm getting tones of complaints about that!] and what you think about this! Hit me with it!

Oh yes, do you find that this chapter is too short? I was thinking of making it longer, adding bits from the other chapters as well, but I got too lazy let me know so I might decide to revamp this chapter!

~Haruko