Title: Blazed
Authors: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian
Category: H, MSR
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Don't own em.
Rating: R... drug use and baaaaad words.
Category: H, V
Notes: Well, we were drunk tonight (technically 7/24/02) and we would have
to be to get Kelly to write an X-Files fan fiction, seeing as how she hates
The X-Files with a burning passion not matched by the fires of hell. But
we think she did pretty damn good for not knowing shit... so yay Kelly.
And we thought it was pretty damn funny too... but that was at four in the
morning after polishing off a bottle of Jack so... we're not sure how we
feel about it now.
Summary: Mulder gets to the heart of a conspiracy while smoking blunts with
a drunk Scully.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a fucked up night. Scully was fucked up. Mulder was high. They were bascially fucked up and high. They smoked some blunts in the basement of an old abandoned elementary school in the small blue-collar town of Everett, Massachusetts. First Mulder tried to give Scully a hand puppet show....but then it turned into more than just puppets. Scully had no problem with this...development. Actually, by the end she'd never look at Kermit the same way again.
But really. It was more than just fucking, blunts, and Muppets. No, it was more than that. It was about the world. And where they were in the world. And what was outside of the world. Because face it, if there was no outside of the world they would be quite out of work. But that was okay. Because aliens were on par with Santa Clause and Easter Bunny...and for that matter the Tooth Fairy. As long as you believed, you'd be showered with a bounty of southern toothless men who would think they all saw crop circles when in truth they had really just had one wild night with some vodka and a tractor or two.
So back to Mulder and Scully.
So Scully was fucked up,having downed half a bottle of Absolute Vodka (not that in reality she could handle it...) and Mulder had smoked six... or ten blunts in the past half hour. How this had transpired, no one knew. But Mulder and Scully were both on a couch passing a bottle of Jack back and forth and hypothesising on the truthfulness of fillings in teeth.
And then Scully realised..."What the fuck...Mulder has false teeth."
And she stopped making out with him.
Then, suddenly, as she was contemplating this great mystery of life there was a sudden clinging noise at the old, out of work, boiler. It was a ghost! Gasp! And now they were no longer on the couch... don't ask...
So now they were on the floor. The mold and grease crept slowly into their nostrils as they stared with a mixture of scientific interest and well, downright scared shitlessness, at the apparation that had appeared before them.
Scully was about to open her mouth to say something when suddenly she heard Mulder begin to sputter.
"Jed? One Eyed Jed?" Mulder asked confusedly. "I thought you died."
"I did. I'm a ghost dipshit. I thought you dealt with the 'supernatural' you fucking poser."
"Well...I do! I just, um, lost my cliffnotes!" Mulder exclaimed gazing nervously at Scully.
"Mulder...what the hell is going on. We've had situations with many a ghost...you've never reacted this way. It's only your run-of-the-mill dead janitor."
"Yes. But there's one thing you don't know."
(Cue silly mystery music of the "dum-dum-DUUUUM" genre)
"He's actually my father."
"Your father?" says Scully incredulously. She could hardly believe that this FBI agent she had worked with for so many years was none other than the son of a janitor. Even the eccentricities worked into the fact that it was a dead janitor come back to life to call him a 'fucking poser' was quite uninteresting compared to the things she had imagined.
"But...there's something you don't know. The universe is pretty damn big. And growing. Always fucking growing. How are we, as men, supposed to keep up with it? So many lifeforms yet to be discovered. And so many dimensions left untraveled. And then there's the truth. Because, you know what? You can't turn one fucking corner in this dimension we call hell without bumping into some bit of truth. And man, I'm pretty fucking blazed. But, yeah...this whole situation...it's out there. And the truth...well that's out there too. Far out. Like in East Pennsylvania or somewhere equally in the boonies."
"Mulder?"
"Yes, Scully?"
"Ever consider using our wonderful government funded health insurance to invest in a nice catscan?"
"Perhaps. But perhaps there's a larger picture-"
"Of your brain? Because right now, I think we could use one."
"No...but there's something larger out there. Something that asks each and every one us to search our souls and our hearts for the answer. That one definable answer that could change the course of humanity itself. You see, you have to purge your soul of the inconsistancies, the unsuredness, the-"
"Mulder, you're not bulimic again are you?"
"Hey! That was only once, and I stick by the fact that it was just food poisoning."
"Yes. If the food that was poisoning you was your own finger sticking down your throat."
"Shut the fuck up!" One Eyed Jed screamed. Mulder and Scully both shut the fuck up. They didn't want to anger the ghost. "I came to give you a fucking message."
(Insert crickets here.)
"You're supposed to ask what the message is." The ghost placed his invisible hands on his invisible hips and tapped his invisible foot under Mulder finally perked up and asked "What's the message pop?"
"Don't fucking call me pop. Anyway, uh, shit, what was I gonna say?" The ghost looked out the window and then back at the agents, who were now consumed with a bout of the munchies and were feasting on pistachios.
The ghost thought for a moment. Then he gave up and popped a few pistachios into his mouth. He choked, sputtered, and remembered that he was allergic to pistachios, choked again. And died... again. His ghost's ghost fluttered up through the grimy pipes and disappeared.
Scully was consumed with a fit of giggles. She watched the white shimmery janitor float off and fell into a heap of pistachio shells. She was seeing little mops dancing in from of her, so she turned over and talked to the empty bottle that was lying behind her. This made Mulder dissolve into a fit of giggles. He hit his head off of one of the mops and passed out at Scully's side.
His last thought was of One Eyed Jed and how exactly he was going to file *THIS* report.
---
Yeah, quite aware this made no sense. And probably offended some people. But read the disclaimer above. I had to post this. Alright bye.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a fucked up night. Scully was fucked up. Mulder was high. They were bascially fucked up and high. They smoked some blunts in the basement of an old abandoned elementary school in the small blue-collar town of Everett, Massachusetts. First Mulder tried to give Scully a hand puppet show....but then it turned into more than just puppets. Scully had no problem with this...development. Actually, by the end she'd never look at Kermit the same way again.
But really. It was more than just fucking, blunts, and Muppets. No, it was more than that. It was about the world. And where they were in the world. And what was outside of the world. Because face it, if there was no outside of the world they would be quite out of work. But that was okay. Because aliens were on par with Santa Clause and Easter Bunny...and for that matter the Tooth Fairy. As long as you believed, you'd be showered with a bounty of southern toothless men who would think they all saw crop circles when in truth they had really just had one wild night with some vodka and a tractor or two.
So back to Mulder and Scully.
So Scully was fucked up,having downed half a bottle of Absolute Vodka (not that in reality she could handle it...) and Mulder had smoked six... or ten blunts in the past half hour. How this had transpired, no one knew. But Mulder and Scully were both on a couch passing a bottle of Jack back and forth and hypothesising on the truthfulness of fillings in teeth.
And then Scully realised..."What the fuck...Mulder has false teeth."
And she stopped making out with him.
Then, suddenly, as she was contemplating this great mystery of life there was a sudden clinging noise at the old, out of work, boiler. It was a ghost! Gasp! And now they were no longer on the couch... don't ask...
So now they were on the floor. The mold and grease crept slowly into their nostrils as they stared with a mixture of scientific interest and well, downright scared shitlessness, at the apparation that had appeared before them.
Scully was about to open her mouth to say something when suddenly she heard Mulder begin to sputter.
"Jed? One Eyed Jed?" Mulder asked confusedly. "I thought you died."
"I did. I'm a ghost dipshit. I thought you dealt with the 'supernatural' you fucking poser."
"Well...I do! I just, um, lost my cliffnotes!" Mulder exclaimed gazing nervously at Scully.
"Mulder...what the hell is going on. We've had situations with many a ghost...you've never reacted this way. It's only your run-of-the-mill dead janitor."
"Yes. But there's one thing you don't know."
(Cue silly mystery music of the "dum-dum-DUUUUM" genre)
"He's actually my father."
"Your father?" says Scully incredulously. She could hardly believe that this FBI agent she had worked with for so many years was none other than the son of a janitor. Even the eccentricities worked into the fact that it was a dead janitor come back to life to call him a 'fucking poser' was quite uninteresting compared to the things she had imagined.
"But...there's something you don't know. The universe is pretty damn big. And growing. Always fucking growing. How are we, as men, supposed to keep up with it? So many lifeforms yet to be discovered. And so many dimensions left untraveled. And then there's the truth. Because, you know what? You can't turn one fucking corner in this dimension we call hell without bumping into some bit of truth. And man, I'm pretty fucking blazed. But, yeah...this whole situation...it's out there. And the truth...well that's out there too. Far out. Like in East Pennsylvania or somewhere equally in the boonies."
"Mulder?"
"Yes, Scully?"
"Ever consider using our wonderful government funded health insurance to invest in a nice catscan?"
"Perhaps. But perhaps there's a larger picture-"
"Of your brain? Because right now, I think we could use one."
"No...but there's something larger out there. Something that asks each and every one us to search our souls and our hearts for the answer. That one definable answer that could change the course of humanity itself. You see, you have to purge your soul of the inconsistancies, the unsuredness, the-"
"Mulder, you're not bulimic again are you?"
"Hey! That was only once, and I stick by the fact that it was just food poisoning."
"Yes. If the food that was poisoning you was your own finger sticking down your throat."
"Shut the fuck up!" One Eyed Jed screamed. Mulder and Scully both shut the fuck up. They didn't want to anger the ghost. "I came to give you a fucking message."
(Insert crickets here.)
"You're supposed to ask what the message is." The ghost placed his invisible hands on his invisible hips and tapped his invisible foot under Mulder finally perked up and asked "What's the message pop?"
"Don't fucking call me pop. Anyway, uh, shit, what was I gonna say?" The ghost looked out the window and then back at the agents, who were now consumed with a bout of the munchies and were feasting on pistachios.
The ghost thought for a moment. Then he gave up and popped a few pistachios into his mouth. He choked, sputtered, and remembered that he was allergic to pistachios, choked again. And died... again. His ghost's ghost fluttered up through the grimy pipes and disappeared.
Scully was consumed with a fit of giggles. She watched the white shimmery janitor float off and fell into a heap of pistachio shells. She was seeing little mops dancing in from of her, so she turned over and talked to the empty bottle that was lying behind her. This made Mulder dissolve into a fit of giggles. He hit his head off of one of the mops and passed out at Scully's side.
His last thought was of One Eyed Jed and how exactly he was going to file *THIS* report.
---
Yeah, quite aware this made no sense. And probably offended some people. But read the disclaimer above. I had to post this. Alright bye.