Surprise
~*~
Abby had Julie by the hand when they reached Northwestern. Julie was visibly nervous as was Abby and they both were clutching hands rather tightly.
They took the elevator to the ninth floor and Julie led Abby to her father's room.
Richard was lying in the bed, his eyes open, and his face pale, thin and scared. A plastic mask around his nose and mouth supplying him with oxygen.
He smiled slightly when he saw Julie before an unknown cause forced his face to contract in pain. Julie grimaced and tugged at Abby's arm.
"Hi, Daddy," she said, letting go of Abby and walking quickly to her father's side. He pushed the mask down to his neck so he could talk.
"Hey, Honey. I told Marilyn not to call you from dinner, but you know how she is." Julie tried to smile at his attempted humor. She tried to look happy. But she couldn't.
"It's okay, we'd finished eating anyway."
Richard nodded his hairless head. The chemotherapy that had made him nauseas and ill had also taken his hair and strength.
"Who's your friend?" he asked nodding toward Abby.
"She's the one I went to dinner with." Richard nodded gratefully to Abby. Abby stood; stunned that he didn't recognize her, though she knew the chemo. could cloud his memory.
"Sorry to trouble you with all this," he said and Abby nodded.
"Not a problem," she said. Julie looked from father to mother nervously before pulling up her usual chair and taking a seat by Richard.
Some nurses scurried in and administered more medication through his IV system.
He was having some trouble breathing now, panting and heaving to get air into his worn out lungs.
"I love you, Julie," he panted and wheezed. Julie took his hand in her own two and looked at him lovingly.
"I know that, Daddy," she said as a tear fell down her cheek, "I love you, too."
Richard closed his eyes and rested his head against his pillow, some of the creases of pain relieving themselves.
"Dad, that's Abby," Julie said suddenly and Richard opened his eyes once more to glance at the woman in the doorway.
"Abby?" Richard whispered and Abby nodded.
"I'm really sorry, Richard," Abby said softly.
"Christ, Abby, you left us," he was trying desperately to pull in an adequate supply of air.
"Dad, don't. Just rest. I just wanted you to know that I'll be okay. After. Abby will take care of me. I didn't want you to worry about me, Daddy. I didn't want you to die afraid." Tears spilled down Julie's cheeks and Richard lifted a white hand to wipe them away.
He looked at Abby again, this time in a new light.
"I'd be willing to forget everything. All the pain and hardships if I just knew that you'd be there for our daughter," he whispered, "Thank you."
Abby nodded her head and left daughter and father to converse for what might be the last time.
Julie laid her head on her father's weak shoulder, listening to his heart beat and soothing herself with its up-and-down motion.
"I don't want you to die," she said.
"I know, and I don't want to die, either. But I won't be really gone, Julie, you know that. As long as you remember me, I'll still be here," he lifted his hand with hers encompassing it and brought it to her heart, "I'll live on inside of you and I'll always be there to guide you."
Julie wiped away a tear from her father's face.
"But it's not fair," she said, her voice breaking with sobs, "It's not fair that you're going to die and I won't have you anymore. Why is it selfish for me to not want you to die? I don't want to let you go, Dad."
Richard smiled as he tried desperately to heave in air. A nurse placed the oxygen mask back on his face.
"Now, Richard, make it easy for yourself and leave that on," the nurse patted his arm pityingly and looked at Julie with sad eyes.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to stay the night," Julie said to Marilyn who was standing against the far wall. Marilyn nodded her head, her own tears irrigating her cheeks.
"I'll stay with you," Abby piped from the doorway, "Let me just call John."
Richard pulled the mask from his face once more,
"I love you, Julie, I can't tell you that enough."
Julie nodded her head and placed the mask back on his face as Marilyn left.
"I love you more, Daddy."
Tears were still falling down their cheeks.
"It'll be okay, Dad. I'm gonna live with Mom. You just have to rest. You don't have to worry anymore."
Richard nodded and closed his eyes again under Julie's watchful eye.
He slept soundly and late into the night, Julie curled up in her chair, her hand still clutched to her father's and she slept, too.
Abby was the only one who stayed up the whole night, sitting in her own chair in the corner watching her ex-husband and her daughter sharing their precious last days together.
~*~
Abby sat with Julie in the front row of seats at the burial ground. It was nearly two weeks later.
Richard hadn't been able to talk after that night and had died a week later, fighting for his life with all he had and giving in at the end. Julie had been by his side.
Neither of them was paying much attention to what was being said.
Julie had her eyes focused on the wooden casket that was about to be lowered. She wasn't crying, but her face was contorted with an indescribable amount of pain etched into it.
Abby had an arm around Julie, trying to give the girl some comfort, but she herself was saddened immensely by the situation.
~
As they lowered the casket into the ground, Julie wanted to cry out to tell them to stop. Putting him into the ground seemed to add finality to the whole thing. Finality she wasn't willing to accept. Until now, it was possible that he could come back, she thought, but now it wasn't.
He would beneath the ground.
Dust to dust.
Her shouldered racked with sobs and Abby tightened her grip on the girl's shoulders.
A bunch of soil was placed in Julie's hand and she stood at the edge of the hole, desperately trying to pull herself together. But she couldn't.
She threw the dirt down and stared into the depths of the hole.
"Bye, Daddy. I love you," she said to herself before following Abby to the car that waited for them.
Tears spilled down her cheeks and she only looked back once to see the empty burial ground but for the chairs, the tent and the graveyard workers who were preparing to fill the whole with dirt and bury her father forever.
~*~
Abby had let Julie off school for a week and she and Carter were busy settling things with lawyers – a task Abby felt was the least she could do for the eight years of her daughter's life she had missed.
Julie spent her time in her room those first few days, not even coming down for meals.
Kaylie was instructed to stay away from the bedroom, but after a couple of days, Julie had allowed her in, finding comfort in Kaylie's little habits, but feeling immediately guilty after finding pleasure in anything. Thinking it wrong to do so soon after her father's death.
Mostly, when Kaylie was at school and Abby and Carter at work, Julie would sit around thinking of her father, going through picture albums, watching old videos on the VCR in her room.
She would eat her meals late with Abby sitting on the bed watching her, waiting for something to be said.
They shared some conversation in those first days, but mostly they just sat silently together, remembering.
~
Four days after the funeral, Julie padded downstairs in her pajamas. It was just past noon and Abby had only just gotten home from work.
Julie had heard the door from upstairs and had come down to say hello.
"Oh, hey, Julie," Abby said as she lugged grocery bags into the house.
"Hi," Julie said, standing awkwardly against a wall.
Abby dropped the bags on the floor and motioned for the nanny to please take them to the kitchen before following as Julie walked aimlessly to the den.
"Abby," she said as they sat side-by-side on the couch, "Tell me about my Dad. From before."
"Your dad was a wonderful man. I'll never forget the look on his face the first time he saw you. He was always the one with the knack for how to deal with you. You could get really headless, but Richard always knew what to do."
"What happened between the two of you?"
"Things changed."
"What happened between the two of us?"
"Nothing happened. I was just going through some tough times and everything seemed to be tying me down. So I left. It was never Richard's fault."
"Did you love him?"
"Very much."
"I miss him."
"I know you do."
"It hurts to miss him so much."
"I know. But time will make the hurt get better. It will always evoke certain emotions when you think about him, but someday, you'll be happy to remember him, not sad and pained."
"Is John very mad that I've come to live with you?"
"John is delighted. He is a little bit in shock still, but he just needs time. He gets rash sometimes, but he didn't mean what he said."
Julie nodded.
"Why did this have to happen to me?"
"I don't know, Julie, but you're not alone. And you'll never be alone again."
"Does Kaylie know I'm her sister?"
She felt Abby nod.
"We told her a few days after you two met. Kaylie's quite taken by you. She admires you."
"She doesn't know how good she's got it."
"I hope she doesn't have to find out as early as you did. Or in the same way."
"This year was the worst year of my life."
"It will only get better, Julie. I promise."
Julie laid her head on Abby's shoulder. She willed herself not to cry, but some tears still escaped down her cheek.
The silence was filled with emotions.
"I love you, Julie," Abby said after a few minutes.
Julie didn't respond. She didn't know if she ever wanted to love anyone again.