This story is the product of one very bored Centaura Eblan.
The characters Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf are copyright Nintendo.
I really did see a man playing the accordion to rock ballads live in
concert in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (New York w00t). His name is Corn Mo and
he was opening for The Polyphonic Spree, who I changed to a group of gospel-
singing lobsters in this story.
I'm serious.
Read, review, please be considerate and lay off the flames, and enjoy!
(Warning, explicit language ahead. I censored slightly to keep from
offending anyone, but if you are offended, just remember that I warned
you.)
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So, like, once upon a time there was this guy. His skin was greenish-tan and his hair was flaming red and he was a bad-ass guy, who few people ever messed with. His name was Ganondorf and he was kind of creepy, aside from the greenish skin and blood red eyes and eyebrows that attached to his hair.
One day Ganondorf found himself upon a stage in Williamsburg in Brooklyn, wondering what the f*ck was wrong with him and why in the name of all that was unholy he had thought this was a good idea.
See, Ganondorf was standing there, holding an accordion, with a microphone standing in front of him, and two of his mortal enemies by his sides, as band members, who were both strangely not beating the shit out of him for once. And he was wearing a blue t-shirt with a white stylized lobster printed on it. The guy in a green tunic next to him, Link, the Hero of Time, merely stated in the most words he'd ever said in his entire life, "Dude, no good."
Ganondorf replied with the inevitable, "F*CK YOU!"
The other one, a girl wearing a very nice dress, who was really Princess Zelda, was holding a microphone and kind of laughing shyly to herself, for Ganondorf with an accordion wearing a blue lobster shirt and Link in his oh- so-sexy tunic behind a set of drums was a strange thing for her to see.
The audience, not there to see Ganondorf but to see the band that he was opening for, was waiting impatiently for the music to begin. They seemed excited for him to start, and that was f*cking weird, because who the hell enjoys the accordion? So Ganondorf coughed and started tapping his heavy foot in time, which set off Link on the drums, at the very cheap little drumset he was seated at. Ganondorf sighed almost stupidly and started his uber-accordion-playing skillz.
As Ganondorf, a big green-skinned guy with an evil face and bright red hair and eyes, who was wearing a blue t-shirt with a white stylized lobster printed on it, played his accordion (well, it wasn't his, but since he killed the previous owner there was no one else to take it) and belted out rock ballads, the audience swayed and cheered and chanted like a bunch of tripped-out chickens.
Zelda sang the backup vocals and was very pretty. She had no f*cking idea what the hell she was singing, so she kind of la-la-la'ed her way through each song. Link pounded away at the drums, following the advice of Ganondorf and imagining that the drumset was Ganondorf himself. Needless to say, he was very loud.
Halfway through their set, Ganondorf found himself almost getting into this awful excuse for music and in turn decided to let out the strange feelings by punching Link in the head, who was not all that appreciative of such a gesture. Link thus stood up, stopping his drumwork, and pointed at Ganondorf, who had stopped playing that accordion that should have never reached his hands.
Link made a guttural noise instead of saying anything, because Link never says anything, unless he's commenting on how stupid Ganondorf looks in a lobster shirt.
"Are you threatening me?" Ganondorf growled, smiling evilly.
"Meep! Stop it!" Zelda ran up to Ganondorf and slapped him, then turned to Link and slapped him, too. Both men kind of shrunk back as if Zelda's slap was one of pure death.
The audience ate it up and loved it because two guys - one pretty and one mad buff - were duking it out and the chick - the hot girl - was laying the smackdown on both of 'em.
And Zelda just shrugged and said, "Whateva."
In any case, Ganondorf started to play his accordion again, and Link, very annoyed, with a fresh red spot on his cheek, went back to his drums. And then they did a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody, because everyone loves that song, and there was some guy in the audience waving a lighter around, and Ganondorf and Link and Zelda were rocking out like you wouldn't believe.
Ganondorf finished the song and was looking all smug when a drumstick hit his head and he spun around to glare at the obvious perpetrator. Link shrugged and tried to look as innocent as possible as one could with a smirk on his face and a single drumstick in hand where there should have been two.
"Well, you little brat, that's just not cool," Ganondorf muttered. Link made a noise and then cringed when Zelda came at him.
Well, the show was over for them anyway because they'd gone past their allotted time (but no one wanted to tell Ganondorf that, what with his being big and green and scary), so while the next guy started trying to set up his equipment, the three of them argued kind of randomly.
The guy bumped into Ganondorf by accident and went to apologize but instead said, "Hey, watch out," which annoyed Ganondorf and sent him into a fit of rage and the guy ended up being taken away to a hospital with a stray drumstick shoved through his skull.
And after the trio got offstage, and went their separate ways within the venue, not actually leaving because none wanted to miss the headliner, which was a band of guys dressed as lobsters singing gospel music, Ganondorf found himself at the Starbucks inside the venue, staring blankly at the choices of coffee for sale that cost more money than he thought it should. He pulled a large number of Rupees from his satchel, and the shiny glitter of the gems made everyone who saw them fall into a greedy stupor, and the guy behind the counter was all like, "You can get one of everything with that, sir," and Ganondorf didn't want that much, so he pocketed all but one Rupee and said, "Frappucino."
Then he was bombarded with the different flavors, half of which weren't coffee flavors anyway, and chose a Mocha because it sounded good and besides, he liked chocolate, especially dark chocolate (hahahah DARK get it?).
So he sips his Mocha Frappucino and his red eyes get all wide and weirded out and suddenly Ganondorf has this irresistible urge to turn into Ganon and go f*cking insane and dance or sing or something ridiculous. He doesn't because that would look awful and how evil can you be if you're dancing around singing the Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge? He decided that was a bad idea (even worse than the accordion thing) and kept sipping the coffee, thinking about other things, such as taking over the world and kidnapping Zelda for the millionth time, because he was a determined asshole and never seemed to give up, or maybe he was just getting into this world domination thing as a hobby.
In any case, Link was off in the opposite corner of the place, popping open a Thermos full of Grandma's soup, which he thought was the bestest stuff ever made. He knew the truth behind Ganondorf's insanity. He didn't want world domination or Zelda or even a mound of kittens but what he really wanted was the soup.
Zelda tried very hard to taste the soup, but even her Hero, Link, refused to let her try any, because that would leave that much less for himself, and he wasn't normally a selfish person, but GODDAMN, this was serious soup.
And in the end, the three of them met again in the center of the general admission area where they stood to watch the group of guys dressed as lobsters singing gospel tunes and dancing like cats on crack. And after that was over, the three looked at one another, and in the next moment Link was chasing Ganondorf down the street, who had Zelda under his arm, who was screaming, but Ganondorf honestly didn't care.
Because Ganondorf is a big, green-skinned bad-ass with bright red hair and evil eyes and a serious caffeine fit after drinking that Frappucino, and DEAR GOD, he needed to piss like a f*cking racehorse.
The End!!
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So, like, once upon a time there was this guy. His skin was greenish-tan and his hair was flaming red and he was a bad-ass guy, who few people ever messed with. His name was Ganondorf and he was kind of creepy, aside from the greenish skin and blood red eyes and eyebrows that attached to his hair.
One day Ganondorf found himself upon a stage in Williamsburg in Brooklyn, wondering what the f*ck was wrong with him and why in the name of all that was unholy he had thought this was a good idea.
See, Ganondorf was standing there, holding an accordion, with a microphone standing in front of him, and two of his mortal enemies by his sides, as band members, who were both strangely not beating the shit out of him for once. And he was wearing a blue t-shirt with a white stylized lobster printed on it. The guy in a green tunic next to him, Link, the Hero of Time, merely stated in the most words he'd ever said in his entire life, "Dude, no good."
Ganondorf replied with the inevitable, "F*CK YOU!"
The other one, a girl wearing a very nice dress, who was really Princess Zelda, was holding a microphone and kind of laughing shyly to herself, for Ganondorf with an accordion wearing a blue lobster shirt and Link in his oh- so-sexy tunic behind a set of drums was a strange thing for her to see.
The audience, not there to see Ganondorf but to see the band that he was opening for, was waiting impatiently for the music to begin. They seemed excited for him to start, and that was f*cking weird, because who the hell enjoys the accordion? So Ganondorf coughed and started tapping his heavy foot in time, which set off Link on the drums, at the very cheap little drumset he was seated at. Ganondorf sighed almost stupidly and started his uber-accordion-playing skillz.
As Ganondorf, a big green-skinned guy with an evil face and bright red hair and eyes, who was wearing a blue t-shirt with a white stylized lobster printed on it, played his accordion (well, it wasn't his, but since he killed the previous owner there was no one else to take it) and belted out rock ballads, the audience swayed and cheered and chanted like a bunch of tripped-out chickens.
Zelda sang the backup vocals and was very pretty. She had no f*cking idea what the hell she was singing, so she kind of la-la-la'ed her way through each song. Link pounded away at the drums, following the advice of Ganondorf and imagining that the drumset was Ganondorf himself. Needless to say, he was very loud.
Halfway through their set, Ganondorf found himself almost getting into this awful excuse for music and in turn decided to let out the strange feelings by punching Link in the head, who was not all that appreciative of such a gesture. Link thus stood up, stopping his drumwork, and pointed at Ganondorf, who had stopped playing that accordion that should have never reached his hands.
Link made a guttural noise instead of saying anything, because Link never says anything, unless he's commenting on how stupid Ganondorf looks in a lobster shirt.
"Are you threatening me?" Ganondorf growled, smiling evilly.
"Meep! Stop it!" Zelda ran up to Ganondorf and slapped him, then turned to Link and slapped him, too. Both men kind of shrunk back as if Zelda's slap was one of pure death.
The audience ate it up and loved it because two guys - one pretty and one mad buff - were duking it out and the chick - the hot girl - was laying the smackdown on both of 'em.
And Zelda just shrugged and said, "Whateva."
In any case, Ganondorf started to play his accordion again, and Link, very annoyed, with a fresh red spot on his cheek, went back to his drums. And then they did a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody, because everyone loves that song, and there was some guy in the audience waving a lighter around, and Ganondorf and Link and Zelda were rocking out like you wouldn't believe.
Ganondorf finished the song and was looking all smug when a drumstick hit his head and he spun around to glare at the obvious perpetrator. Link shrugged and tried to look as innocent as possible as one could with a smirk on his face and a single drumstick in hand where there should have been two.
"Well, you little brat, that's just not cool," Ganondorf muttered. Link made a noise and then cringed when Zelda came at him.
Well, the show was over for them anyway because they'd gone past their allotted time (but no one wanted to tell Ganondorf that, what with his being big and green and scary), so while the next guy started trying to set up his equipment, the three of them argued kind of randomly.
The guy bumped into Ganondorf by accident and went to apologize but instead said, "Hey, watch out," which annoyed Ganondorf and sent him into a fit of rage and the guy ended up being taken away to a hospital with a stray drumstick shoved through his skull.
And after the trio got offstage, and went their separate ways within the venue, not actually leaving because none wanted to miss the headliner, which was a band of guys dressed as lobsters singing gospel music, Ganondorf found himself at the Starbucks inside the venue, staring blankly at the choices of coffee for sale that cost more money than he thought it should. He pulled a large number of Rupees from his satchel, and the shiny glitter of the gems made everyone who saw them fall into a greedy stupor, and the guy behind the counter was all like, "You can get one of everything with that, sir," and Ganondorf didn't want that much, so he pocketed all but one Rupee and said, "Frappucino."
Then he was bombarded with the different flavors, half of which weren't coffee flavors anyway, and chose a Mocha because it sounded good and besides, he liked chocolate, especially dark chocolate (hahahah DARK get it?).
So he sips his Mocha Frappucino and his red eyes get all wide and weirded out and suddenly Ganondorf has this irresistible urge to turn into Ganon and go f*cking insane and dance or sing or something ridiculous. He doesn't because that would look awful and how evil can you be if you're dancing around singing the Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge? He decided that was a bad idea (even worse than the accordion thing) and kept sipping the coffee, thinking about other things, such as taking over the world and kidnapping Zelda for the millionth time, because he was a determined asshole and never seemed to give up, or maybe he was just getting into this world domination thing as a hobby.
In any case, Link was off in the opposite corner of the place, popping open a Thermos full of Grandma's soup, which he thought was the bestest stuff ever made. He knew the truth behind Ganondorf's insanity. He didn't want world domination or Zelda or even a mound of kittens but what he really wanted was the soup.
Zelda tried very hard to taste the soup, but even her Hero, Link, refused to let her try any, because that would leave that much less for himself, and he wasn't normally a selfish person, but GODDAMN, this was serious soup.
And in the end, the three of them met again in the center of the general admission area where they stood to watch the group of guys dressed as lobsters singing gospel tunes and dancing like cats on crack. And after that was over, the three looked at one another, and in the next moment Link was chasing Ganondorf down the street, who had Zelda under his arm, who was screaming, but Ganondorf honestly didn't care.
Because Ganondorf is a big, green-skinned bad-ass with bright red hair and evil eyes and a serious caffeine fit after drinking that Frappucino, and DEAR GOD, he needed to piss like a f*cking racehorse.
The End!!