Chapter Eleven

Spoilers: CopyCat, Fallout

There are many different ways that you can kill a person. Someone can kill them, they can be struck unaware going about their everyday lives and they won't know what hit them, or they can do it themselves.

Some people see no other way out and they don't know where to turn. They feel that they have reached their end, and they can't see any other solution. Most people say that when they are backed into the corner the hype, the unbelievable feeling that you get at the pit of your stomach, that slimy feeling that feels like you just swallowed a snake, a cold feeling that surrounds your heart, encompasses your body, brings you to that last surrender, that last feeling of pain, unaware of what your doing, and seeing your life flash before your eyes.

Some write notes telling there loved ones that it isn't or wasn't their fault, telling them that they still care, and that they love them. Others don't have anyone, no one to care for them, and no one to see that they are hurting and are in pain. Once you try to take your own life and don't make it, don't succeed in that task that is truly your end, people say that you are "reborn" you "see the light." But how many of those people have your son find you passed out in your car, unwilling to go another day playing the game of life? How many mothers would ask her son not to say anything about what just happened to anyone? What kind of mother would do that?

*****

Sam just stood there watching her friends, watching her family... watching Jack. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she barley realized the woman who came to stand beside her.

"It gets addicting doesn't it?" said the woman. As if she just noticed the woman standing next to her, Sam jumped. "Watching those people, your family, your friends, Jack. Living everyday. Going about their lives, trying to forget the times that you shared together. Everyday wondering how they can keep going on. Knowing that your never coming back. That they can never talk to you again, ask for your advise. It hurts, but somehow they have to do it. Somehow they have to learn. They have to adjust to live without you there."

That got Sam's attention. She looked, really looked, at this woman. She stumbled backwards when she looked into a pair of familiar eyes. They were eyes that she had looked at, dreamed of, got lost in. They were Jack's eyes.

"Yes, Samantha. I'm Jack's mother," she said as if she had just read her mind. "You can close your mouth now," she said laughing when Sam's mouth closed in one quick moment.

"But... I never knew you... I never met you... You were never a part of my life. Why am I meeting you?" Sam just couldn't help but ask. So many questions she had to this woman who was the mother to the man she loved. The woman who left him when he was just a boy, with so many questions about the world, and why his mother didn't want to be with his family anymore, didn't want to be happy.

"It doesn't matter that I didn't know you, or that we never meet. That isn't what this whole 5 people, 5 lessons, 5 questions is about. It is about meeting the people that effected your life. People that had an impact on why what happened in your life happened, and why it happened the way that it happened. I was sent to you, or more like I wanted to meet you, because of Jack. Whether or not you want to admit it, you have to realize that I am one of the reasons that you two are together now. I am one of the reasons that you two are able to be together," as she said this she looked Sam in the eyes, and tried to control the tears from coming out of her eyes. The topic of her son, her life were always a deal of great pain in her life. Things that she would rather forget than remember. But sometimes, sometimes you had to re-open those sections that were the most painful, to forget, to heal, and that is what she was doing.

"What do you mean that you are the reason that we are together? How does that work?" she asked. "You left him! You left him when he was just a boy!" she shouted.

"I know. But I couldn't help it. If I could change it now I would. I missed out on so much. I missed out on everything. I never got to meet my grandchildren. I never got to see him grow up. I missed out on everything, and I should have been there. I will be the first to admit what I did was wrong, and it was selfish, but I couldn't see any other way out. And I needed out," she said now crying.

"Yes, but the first time he found you! You let him believe that it wasn't on purpose, that it just happened! Something like that doesn't just happen---" but she was cut off before she could finish her sentence.

"And you would know, wouldn't you! You've been there haven't you," she said giving Sam a look that she had seen many times on an annoyed Jack. "You know what it is like not to want to go on. You've stood there looking in the mirror in the early morning wondering why you wanted to live each day, going to work to see the things that you do. To feel the pain, the heartbreak, and anguish that you feel. You went to work everyday seeing the man that you loved going on in a love-less marriage. And you hated it. You hated knowing that you couldn't have him, and that you loved him. You saw people on the worst days of their lives, and you saw how much love someone could have for another person, but you still loved the one man that you weren't supposed to love," she was now yelling. "You thought about it. I know you did. Right after you were out of the hospital. You wanted to. You had your gun ready, you wrote Jack a love note, you wrote letters to all your friends, you told them it wasn't them it was you. You were doing this for yourself. You needed to be free of all the pain that you felt. You needed to be free, and you couldn't be. But then something changed didn't it?" she said, her voice becoming softer. "You knew that you couldn't do it. Leave the man that you loved. Your friends. Your family. No matter what reasons you thought of, you were always able to see what you didn't want to. You saw hope. You saw a future life for yourself. Maybe what you were feeling would go away. Maybe you wouldn't feel numb after awhile. Maybe, someday, sometime, you will be happy again, you'll be able to live, and you'll be free. You couldn't do it. For that I will always respect you. Not being able to give up the things that you loved the most. Being able to see the brighter side of life even when you didn't think that there was anyone there to help you. You tried. You didn't want to die. You wanted to get better, and you did. Everyday you did something I never could do, no matter how hard I tried. You told yourself that you were worth it, and that it would all get better. It might take awhile but you would be able to get better."

"I did. I never told anyone. Jack doesn't even know," she said, with a hit of sorrow in her voice. "It was so hard, trying to believe that I would feel better one day. I got out of the hospital, and I just hit depression. I wouldn't take the medication that the doctor gave me because the pain in my leg that I felt was at least a feeling. Without that drumming in my leg I didn't know what it was that I was feeling. I was afraid that I wasn't alive. I was just this person going through the motions, and I was afraid. I felt like I didn't have anyone. There was just so much work, so much pressure, and so little time. I felt that I was being back into a corner and I couldn't see anyway out," she said starting to cry. "I never understood why I went into Missing Persons. I guess that I always wanted to find that one person who felt that they didn't have anything anymore. I needed that feeling of being needed. I needed to know that someone out there was lost and that they needed me to find them. I needed the feeling of being needed, and when I really was, I felt that I had all the answers in the world," she said looking into her eyes. And she knew. She just knew that she understood.

There is always that connection between women, that for some reason, no matter what the problem is, they know. They can just tell what it is that the other one is trying to say without really saying anything. There are so many times that you can catch your friends eye, and know what they are feeling.

Sam just looked out at the lake, at the area surrounding them, and for the first time really began to understand. She understood that life wasn't always about what happened, and what didn't happen. But it was about what you allowed to happen, and why you allowed it to happen. So many people can do one great thing, but only one person can truly understand why they have done what they did. They are the only person that can understand what they are thinking. You may try to explain your feelings, you may try to explain your ideas, but no one can truly understand the other person in a whole. But standing there at the lakes shore, Sam understood. She understood why she went on why she was allowed to live after the bookstore, why she ended up with Jack. It was as if she was granted every answer to every question that she had ever asked herself. Standing beside Jack's mother she knew why they met, why they were meeting. Sam was allowed a glimpse of the life that she would have never been allowed to have if she didn't survive. She knew that she had made all the right decisions in her life. If given a second chance to change anything about her life, she knew she wouldn't do it. Everything happened for a reason, and for once in her life she was glad that she made it as far as she had.

"You see darling. You and Jack were meant to be. You always were. You were made for one another. Together you were both truly happy. It might have been about the secret before, the affair, the knowledge that no one else had. But it just didn't start for no reason. There was that draw, a pull. You were made for each other. You knew it the day that you met him. You knew that one day you two would be together. It might have taken awhile but it all came together. It always does at the end. It didn't exactly come together as any other relationship would have. But you two are very special unique people."

"When I first met him," said Sam. "I didn't know what to think. I just remember feeling him before anything else. Like I had this radar for him, and whenever he was near I could just tell that it was him. I was so fine tuned to him, and his actions that it scared me a lot of the time. I remember looking into his eyes and seeing this love, and warmth for the people that he worked with, this passion for his job and his life. It wasn't something that you would always see. But every once and awhile you would find the one person who was really dedicated to what they do. That one person who always gave 110 percent on the job, no matter how it really effected their life."

"He was always like that as a kid. Putting his friends above himself. I just remember times when we would get phone calls at all hours of the night, and Jack would just talk his friends down, he wouldn't tell them what to do, he left that for them to figure out. But he wouldn't leave them alone. He always gave them at least one friend that they felt that they could always go to. He gave people trust when he shouldn't have. He was a hope junky. He thought that he could save the world, and in so many ways he did. He even managed to save himself."

"He is always helping people more then he should. He is always trying to single-hardly try to save the world. That is one of the reasons that I love him as much as I do. He never gave up on me, even when the others did. He didn't. He always thought that I was more then I ever thought I was. He have me the hope the strength that I needed to go on."

"You see, there are bigger reasons. You aren't always able to see the bigger picture at the time, but it always does show up. But now it is time for you to meet you last person. Take care Samantha," she said turning to Sam. "I know that this might seem odd for me to say. But whenever I watched you and Jack together I had never seen him happier. His smile was always brighter when he was around you. He was never that happy around Marie. I didn't even like her that much. But he never lit up around her, like he did you. You made my son happy, and for that you have a special place in my heart. Come and visit me whenever you feel like it. Once you reach the top a lot more of your questions will be answered, but for right now, for me as your person, you understood why you needed to meet me. You needed to open up to yourself, you needed to understand yourself before you reach the end. And believe me, you'll be just as happy as you were down on earth with your family and friends. Good-Luck," she said as she turned and walked away.

"Bye!" yelled Samantha as the shadow of Jack's mother vanished over the hills.