Author's notes: I haven't contributed to the suck that is fanfiction.net
in quite a while. Considering some of the fics I've read in the past 24
hours, my sin is mild at best. This has been on my computer since summer,
and I just needed to get rid off it. Don't get me wrong, I like it. I'm
just easy to please, I guess. It's all good. Who doesn't like uninvolved
cop!drama? That, my friends, it what FAKE fics are all about. I can't
promise anything, neither relationship-wise nor plot-wise.
*************************************************
Berkeley stared inanimately at the document in his hand as distaste spread through his entire body. It stated that, because of the current problems with the economic system, city-wide funding was being cut back in various public services, law enforcement being one of them. With the recent rise in cases of police brutality in the city, the Civilian Complaint Review Board thought the best measure to appease the people would be to make extensive cut-backs in the area of law enforcement.
In other words, he was supposed to fire somebody, and not one person, but two.
It was the most disheartening thing in existence to read next to "we need to talk," and "I don't think it's contagious."
Of course, Berkeley knew this was total bullshit. Did they honestly think they could justify giving themselves a pay raise at the cost of employees? Berkley kept this last part to himself. No one was supposed to know about the pay raises, save the people who were getting them. He himself would not have known had it not been for the information of some acquaintances of his. Questionable sources aside, Berkley was definitely only getting half of the story right here.
Someone's life was in his hands. He felt as if he had been empowered against those under him. He had been given to the power to remove anyone who so much as bothered him, the power to drastically change someone's life. Berkley was sure most people would find pleasure in such a position, but Berkley, despite Dee's claims, never got off on having the power to smite those under him. In a way, it reminded Berkley of gardening or raising children. Both were sadistic past-times he really didn't care to be a part of.
He had to take whatever possible measure available to lessen the blow to those who had been placed under his charge. What Berkley had to do was all too clear. He had to stall and procrastinate until the whole thing was forgotten.
Hey, it worked in High School.
***************************************************
"Two things are wrong with your scenario. First off, Jet Li isn't aware of your existence, and I doubt he ever will be. Secondly, I don't think he's gay." Drake ticked the reasons off of his fingers, each one increasing the look of disappointment on his partner's face. "Besides, don't you think that maybe your little sexual endeavors might pan out more often if you focused your attention a bit more?"
"Are you saying you want me to pursue you exclusively?" JJ coyly asked as he slid up to Drake's side.
"Not. What. I. Meant." Drake took a step back and held his hands up defensively. JJ snorted in an "as if" fashion. "I just think your strategy needs a little work. It's a good practice to give up a method once it has failed multiple times, just a little advice between you and me. At least aim your sights to a more approachable target."
"And what makes you think Jet Li wouldn't fall madly in love with me, huh? What's wrong about me?"
Drake avoided answering JJ's question like the plague. He had pissed off far too many women to know not to answer a question like that. Note to self: Never take JJ to a Jet Li movie again. He eyed his partner, who was poorly imitating what appeared to be Kung Foo. He'd better avoid martial arts movies as a whole, actually. Better safe than sorry. "Like I said, I don't think he goes for that. He seemed pretty straight to me."
JJ rolled his eyes. "That's just his character. See, he was just /i to be a straight cop," JJ explained slowly, as if Drake were a child. "He wasn't doing very well at that, because his homosexual nature clearly showed through."
Drake gave up. There was no use arguing with him. If Jet Li was gay in JJ's imaginary world, so be it, as long as no harm ever came from it...
As if on cue, JJ's eyes suddenly widened. Drake moaned. This was bad. Whenever JJ got that look he always got these insane so-called realizations...
"Hey, I know! Lets go to Chinatown and look for him," JJ spouted enthusiastically, hardly able to contain his excitement.
...just like that one. Drake sighed. "You do know he's not here, right?"
"Where else would he be?" JJ asked blankly, as if the notion that life went on outside of New York baffled him.
"His home? What makes you think he's here, anyway? The movie took place in Paris," Drake tried desperately, but to no end.
"Do I need to explain the difference between reality and the movies again?" JJ whined as he picked up speed. As if Drake was the delusional one. Drake yelled at his partner to wait up, but JJ was picking up speed fast. Sometimes Drake wondered if JJ really had such a weak grip on reality, or if he was just goofing off. It was of no use knowing now. Drake submitted to the excitable man's whims and picked up his pace.
JJ turned to look back, as if to verify that Drake was indeed following him. JJ grinned. "After we find him, can we go out to eat? I've got a craving for Lo Mien." That settled it. They were going to Chinatown.
**************************************************** Ryo walked into the office to find Dee staring with utter disdain at a pile of paperwork piled on his desk. "What the hell's all this?" It was a rhetorical question, of course."
"No use whining about it. Let's just hurry up and get it over with." Ryo collapsed into his chair with a gesture of despair and picked up the nearest file.
Dee snarled. "I don't have time for all this bull!" He sat down anyway, but continued to eye the stack with distrust. "It's Berkley. He's punishing me. He's had it out for me since the day he realized he could never have you." Dee shook his fist in the direction of Berkley's office.
"Not to burst your bubble, but I think Berkley has gotten over me by now." How many times had they already had this discussion? Ryo wasn't counting.
"Every time he sees me, he relives his failure to attain you. Therefore, he purposely and maliciously punishes me for his shortcomings." Ryo sighed. He really hoped Dee would get out of his psychoanalytical mode. The man reads one Dr. Phill book and he thinks he's Freud.
"Plus," Dee muttered, "He gives Drake and JJ all the good cases."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Oh he does not. Dee, you're acting like a child."
"No way, I swear he does! I'd wager my salary on it! I swear, the guy is such a prick. He really pisses me off."
Ryo replied with a dismissive grunt. He really wished Dee wouldn't over- dramatize everything so much. "Maybe you're subconsciously threatened by him?" Ryo teased.
"What do I have to be worried about him for? You're mine, and everyone in the world knows it, especially that jerk."
"For someone who isn't threatened, you sure to whine about him a lot," Ryo retorted, not bothering to acknowledge Dee's claim that he was in fact "his."
"That's because he's a self-loving ass." Dee sighed. "You're right, though. Let's just drop it. We have far more important things to talk about."
Ryo sighed as he reluctantly took Dee's bait. "Like what?" he asked, not attempting to hide is apathy.
Dee leaned over and rested his head on Ryo's shoulder. "Like what we're doing once we get off of work."
Ryo self-consciously scanned the room for any other present warm bodies. Seeing none, he turned to address Dee. "Hopefully? Sleeping. Considering our schedule as of late, that's the only thing I haven't been able to get enough of. Now get off of before someone accuses us of screwing on the job."
Dee pouted. "You're no fun. Tomorrow then?"
"No, tomorrow we have to work late, remember?"
"Right. Damn, foiled by Berkley again."
"Dee, everyone has been getting extra hours lately. It's hardly the commissioner's fault and you know it." Dee obviously wasn't paying attention, having taken a sudden interest in adjusting Ryo's tie. Ryo sighed once more. "The day after tomorrow?" he suggested.
"Sure," Dee answered readily without contemplating if he had any other engagements. He really didn't like having to schedule his time with Ryo around work, but he had to accept the fact that sometimes Ryo's priorities differed from his own, and unfortunately for Dee, sleep was high on Ryo's list.
"Right then. We'll do something together in a couple of days, but can we please get back to work before the chief yells at us?"
Dee agreed reluctantly. Obeying slowly, Dee reached over and grabbed the file from the top of the stack.
****************************************************
JJ smiled contently has he nibbled away at the dippin' dots he had coerced Drake into buying for him. "Oooh, pet store!" he grabbed Drakes arm to get his attention and pointed out the small building filled with live fowl. JJ wondered why he never bothered to come here more often.
"JJ, I think that's another grocery store..." Too late, JJ was already poking his fingers through the cage of a soon-to-be deep fried chicken. As if the chicken wasn't suffering enough already. Drake hurried over to remove his partner before he got into any trouble.
"He's so cute," JJ cooed. "Buy him for me?" Drake shook his head and tried to calm himself.
"I don't think your landlord would allow you to keep a live chicken, JJ," Drake explained slowly.
"Live?" JJ asked, confused. "I just wanted him for dinner." Drake smacked himself on the forehead, and JJ turned his attention back to the cage. The younger man giggled. "His hair reminds me of Ted. I think Ted is a good name for him, don't you?" For some reason, the aspect of giving a name to a creature you planned on eating, especially giving it a name of one of your friends, did not settle well with Drake. Before Drake had a chance to voice his concerns, he found himself being pulled towards a Chinese restaurant. Drake came to terms that he was going to be expected to pay and begrudgingly stepped inside.
The interior of the restaurant was surprisingly stereotypical and uninteresting. You'd expect a Chinese restaurant in China Town would have something more than its standard counterparts, but that just wasn't so.
As they slid into a booth at one of the far corners of the restaurant, JJ snatched one of the placemats up from the table. "Oh, Chinese Zodiac. These things are fun. Look, I'm a rat, see?"
Drake rolled his eyes as a waitress poured some tea into a pair of tea cups that seemed to be too small to actually serve any purpose beyond decoration.
"You were born in '70, right? That would make you the dog. Ooh! Look! It says we'd make a good match." JJ pointed to the picture of the dog, but didn't bring the placemat close enough to Drake for him to actually be able to read it.
"Too bad it's all make believe." Drake said dismissively as he sipped his tea.
No, it's real!" JJ pleaded earnestly. "See here, it says here that imaginative, charming, and generous.
Drake simply raised an eyebrow in response to JJ's allegation. "For your information, I'm a good match with a horses or tigers, not rats, and a good career field for me would be a secret agent. Believe me; I've eaten out enough to pretty much know my Chinese astrology by heart."
"Damn." JJ pouted, caught it a lie. "Well, it's just make believe. We'd still make a good match."
Any further discussion of the Chinese zodiac and its relationship to real life was cut off by the arrival of their meal. The pair was immersed in a comfortable silent for the first few minutes as they were completely absorbed in the food in front of them.
When the waiter appeared with the check, JJ put forth all his energy into looking cute on cue.
"Fine, fine, I'll pay the bill." Drake volunteered without JJ even having to ask.
A moment latter JJ was in Drake's laps, arms tightly clasped about his partner's neck. "You're the best boyfriend ever."
"Damn it, JJ, I'm not you're boyfriend." Even to Drake this assertion didn't sound very convincing, no matter how true it was. It was hard to make such a claim with credit-card in hand and cuddly boy in his lap.
"We're always going out together, aren't we?"
"Yeah, for lunch, and nothing more. A little social outing, if you will. That's it." Drake said decisively, checking to see if anyone was watching while holding his hands up and away from JJ in the unofficial sign for "I'm straight."
"Call it what you will, it's still a date. Especially when you factor in all the kissing."
"Which were all totally involuntary, on my part," Drake insisted.
"Fine, whatever you say," JJ teased as he slid off of Drake's lap and put his coat on. Drake sighed and pulled out his poor, overworked credit card, and headed for the front register.
**************************************************
Great. Just fricken great. This was the last thing Berkley needed on his plate: a morale dilemma. Berkley always had trouble dealing with matters of this sort.
Which is why he was playing Grand Theft Auto.
Video games had always had a sort of soothing therapeutic effect on him, especially ones that allowed him to beat up random passers-by in effigy of people who were currently giving him stress. Lounging on the couch with a tub of half-eaten, mostly melted ice-cream was an added plus.
"You know those things are detrimental to the developing mind," an intrusive yet not altogether unwelcome voice scolded from the doorway.
"So is pornography, but that never stopped you, did it?" Berkley answered absently as the animated representative of himself mercilessly beat an old women who in turn represented the cashier at Starbucks who had given him cold coffee that morning.
"Touché." Diana plopped down on the couch next to Berkeley. "So are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or are you just going to mope in silence?"
"Mope in silence," Berkeley answered nonchalantly.
"C'mon, tell me!" Diana pleaded earnestly. "It's bad to keep stuff bottled up inside. Who knows, maybe I can give you some helpful advice."
"If I want to know how to juggle three guys who live in the same apartment building, then I'll come to you."
"Pwitty pwease?" Diana coxed, deciding to let Berkeley get away with that last comment. That only happened once. Okay, twice, but she would never admit to it.
"Stop with that annoying voice, and I will," Berkeley grumbled, still focused on the game.
"Yay!" Diana rolled over on her stomach and giggled, much like a twelve year old girl at a sleep over.
Berkeley sighed and reluctantly paused the game. "Look, I just have to fire two people. That's all." Berkeley snorted and tossed the remote away in a gesture of despair.
"Wow, I'm surprised your angsting over this." Diana commented, perplexed.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you do have kinds of a reputation as a cold-hearted self-involved prick," Diana replied casual as she picked up a magazine off of the coffee table.
Berkley feigned deep emotional injury. "Is that what you really think of me?" Berkley snorted. "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."
"Ha ha." Diana rolled her eyes. "Just fire the people you don't like, then," she offered helpfully.
"Yeah, but if I fire Dee, then Ryo is sure to do something senselessly romantic, like quit."
Diana shrugged. "Well, if Dee leaves with Ryo, than hey, problem solved."
"No, Ryo is too pretty."
"Then fire the ugly ones."
"Now that I think about it, they're all pretty good looking."
"Strange. That's pretty rare in the real world," Diana mused. "The annoying one, then?"
"JJ? No, he actually does his paperwork."
"The straight one?"
"Nah, we have quotas to meet, you know."
"Hmmm. This is pretty tough. I'm sure glad I'm not you." Diana reached over to dig a glob of melty ice-cream out of the container with her finger. "So why don't you just pawn it off on someone else? You know, give one of your subordinates the responsibility?"
"Yeah, but then which ones?"
"The ugly ones," Diana replied, as if the solution were obvious.
Berkeley sighed. "Thanks for the input, though, Diana. You've really made the situation mildly worst."
"That's what I'm here for," Diana purred as she snuggled closer to Berkeley.
While Diana's presence wasn't exactly helpful, it provided a suitable distraction. Despite all her faults, Diana was the only person on earth Berkley felt completely comfortable with. She had a way about her that made him relaxed and clear-headed. That's what she was there for.
*************************************************
Berkeley stared inanimately at the document in his hand as distaste spread through his entire body. It stated that, because of the current problems with the economic system, city-wide funding was being cut back in various public services, law enforcement being one of them. With the recent rise in cases of police brutality in the city, the Civilian Complaint Review Board thought the best measure to appease the people would be to make extensive cut-backs in the area of law enforcement.
In other words, he was supposed to fire somebody, and not one person, but two.
It was the most disheartening thing in existence to read next to "we need to talk," and "I don't think it's contagious."
Of course, Berkeley knew this was total bullshit. Did they honestly think they could justify giving themselves a pay raise at the cost of employees? Berkley kept this last part to himself. No one was supposed to know about the pay raises, save the people who were getting them. He himself would not have known had it not been for the information of some acquaintances of his. Questionable sources aside, Berkley was definitely only getting half of the story right here.
Someone's life was in his hands. He felt as if he had been empowered against those under him. He had been given to the power to remove anyone who so much as bothered him, the power to drastically change someone's life. Berkley was sure most people would find pleasure in such a position, but Berkley, despite Dee's claims, never got off on having the power to smite those under him. In a way, it reminded Berkley of gardening or raising children. Both were sadistic past-times he really didn't care to be a part of.
He had to take whatever possible measure available to lessen the blow to those who had been placed under his charge. What Berkley had to do was all too clear. He had to stall and procrastinate until the whole thing was forgotten.
Hey, it worked in High School.
***************************************************
"Two things are wrong with your scenario. First off, Jet Li isn't aware of your existence, and I doubt he ever will be. Secondly, I don't think he's gay." Drake ticked the reasons off of his fingers, each one increasing the look of disappointment on his partner's face. "Besides, don't you think that maybe your little sexual endeavors might pan out more often if you focused your attention a bit more?"
"Are you saying you want me to pursue you exclusively?" JJ coyly asked as he slid up to Drake's side.
"Not. What. I. Meant." Drake took a step back and held his hands up defensively. JJ snorted in an "as if" fashion. "I just think your strategy needs a little work. It's a good practice to give up a method once it has failed multiple times, just a little advice between you and me. At least aim your sights to a more approachable target."
"And what makes you think Jet Li wouldn't fall madly in love with me, huh? What's wrong about me?"
Drake avoided answering JJ's question like the plague. He had pissed off far too many women to know not to answer a question like that. Note to self: Never take JJ to a Jet Li movie again. He eyed his partner, who was poorly imitating what appeared to be Kung Foo. He'd better avoid martial arts movies as a whole, actually. Better safe than sorry. "Like I said, I don't think he goes for that. He seemed pretty straight to me."
JJ rolled his eyes. "That's just his character. See, he was just /i to be a straight cop," JJ explained slowly, as if Drake were a child. "He wasn't doing very well at that, because his homosexual nature clearly showed through."
Drake gave up. There was no use arguing with him. If Jet Li was gay in JJ's imaginary world, so be it, as long as no harm ever came from it...
As if on cue, JJ's eyes suddenly widened. Drake moaned. This was bad. Whenever JJ got that look he always got these insane so-called realizations...
"Hey, I know! Lets go to Chinatown and look for him," JJ spouted enthusiastically, hardly able to contain his excitement.
...just like that one. Drake sighed. "You do know he's not here, right?"
"Where else would he be?" JJ asked blankly, as if the notion that life went on outside of New York baffled him.
"His home? What makes you think he's here, anyway? The movie took place in Paris," Drake tried desperately, but to no end.
"Do I need to explain the difference between reality and the movies again?" JJ whined as he picked up speed. As if Drake was the delusional one. Drake yelled at his partner to wait up, but JJ was picking up speed fast. Sometimes Drake wondered if JJ really had such a weak grip on reality, or if he was just goofing off. It was of no use knowing now. Drake submitted to the excitable man's whims and picked up his pace.
JJ turned to look back, as if to verify that Drake was indeed following him. JJ grinned. "After we find him, can we go out to eat? I've got a craving for Lo Mien." That settled it. They were going to Chinatown.
**************************************************** Ryo walked into the office to find Dee staring with utter disdain at a pile of paperwork piled on his desk. "What the hell's all this?" It was a rhetorical question, of course."
"No use whining about it. Let's just hurry up and get it over with." Ryo collapsed into his chair with a gesture of despair and picked up the nearest file.
Dee snarled. "I don't have time for all this bull!" He sat down anyway, but continued to eye the stack with distrust. "It's Berkley. He's punishing me. He's had it out for me since the day he realized he could never have you." Dee shook his fist in the direction of Berkley's office.
"Not to burst your bubble, but I think Berkley has gotten over me by now." How many times had they already had this discussion? Ryo wasn't counting.
"Every time he sees me, he relives his failure to attain you. Therefore, he purposely and maliciously punishes me for his shortcomings." Ryo sighed. He really hoped Dee would get out of his psychoanalytical mode. The man reads one Dr. Phill book and he thinks he's Freud.
"Plus," Dee muttered, "He gives Drake and JJ all the good cases."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Oh he does not. Dee, you're acting like a child."
"No way, I swear he does! I'd wager my salary on it! I swear, the guy is such a prick. He really pisses me off."
Ryo replied with a dismissive grunt. He really wished Dee wouldn't over- dramatize everything so much. "Maybe you're subconsciously threatened by him?" Ryo teased.
"What do I have to be worried about him for? You're mine, and everyone in the world knows it, especially that jerk."
"For someone who isn't threatened, you sure to whine about him a lot," Ryo retorted, not bothering to acknowledge Dee's claim that he was in fact "his."
"That's because he's a self-loving ass." Dee sighed. "You're right, though. Let's just drop it. We have far more important things to talk about."
Ryo sighed as he reluctantly took Dee's bait. "Like what?" he asked, not attempting to hide is apathy.
Dee leaned over and rested his head on Ryo's shoulder. "Like what we're doing once we get off of work."
Ryo self-consciously scanned the room for any other present warm bodies. Seeing none, he turned to address Dee. "Hopefully? Sleeping. Considering our schedule as of late, that's the only thing I haven't been able to get enough of. Now get off of before someone accuses us of screwing on the job."
Dee pouted. "You're no fun. Tomorrow then?"
"No, tomorrow we have to work late, remember?"
"Right. Damn, foiled by Berkley again."
"Dee, everyone has been getting extra hours lately. It's hardly the commissioner's fault and you know it." Dee obviously wasn't paying attention, having taken a sudden interest in adjusting Ryo's tie. Ryo sighed once more. "The day after tomorrow?" he suggested.
"Sure," Dee answered readily without contemplating if he had any other engagements. He really didn't like having to schedule his time with Ryo around work, but he had to accept the fact that sometimes Ryo's priorities differed from his own, and unfortunately for Dee, sleep was high on Ryo's list.
"Right then. We'll do something together in a couple of days, but can we please get back to work before the chief yells at us?"
Dee agreed reluctantly. Obeying slowly, Dee reached over and grabbed the file from the top of the stack.
****************************************************
JJ smiled contently has he nibbled away at the dippin' dots he had coerced Drake into buying for him. "Oooh, pet store!" he grabbed Drakes arm to get his attention and pointed out the small building filled with live fowl. JJ wondered why he never bothered to come here more often.
"JJ, I think that's another grocery store..." Too late, JJ was already poking his fingers through the cage of a soon-to-be deep fried chicken. As if the chicken wasn't suffering enough already. Drake hurried over to remove his partner before he got into any trouble.
"He's so cute," JJ cooed. "Buy him for me?" Drake shook his head and tried to calm himself.
"I don't think your landlord would allow you to keep a live chicken, JJ," Drake explained slowly.
"Live?" JJ asked, confused. "I just wanted him for dinner." Drake smacked himself on the forehead, and JJ turned his attention back to the cage. The younger man giggled. "His hair reminds me of Ted. I think Ted is a good name for him, don't you?" For some reason, the aspect of giving a name to a creature you planned on eating, especially giving it a name of one of your friends, did not settle well with Drake. Before Drake had a chance to voice his concerns, he found himself being pulled towards a Chinese restaurant. Drake came to terms that he was going to be expected to pay and begrudgingly stepped inside.
The interior of the restaurant was surprisingly stereotypical and uninteresting. You'd expect a Chinese restaurant in China Town would have something more than its standard counterparts, but that just wasn't so.
As they slid into a booth at one of the far corners of the restaurant, JJ snatched one of the placemats up from the table. "Oh, Chinese Zodiac. These things are fun. Look, I'm a rat, see?"
Drake rolled his eyes as a waitress poured some tea into a pair of tea cups that seemed to be too small to actually serve any purpose beyond decoration.
"You were born in '70, right? That would make you the dog. Ooh! Look! It says we'd make a good match." JJ pointed to the picture of the dog, but didn't bring the placemat close enough to Drake for him to actually be able to read it.
"Too bad it's all make believe." Drake said dismissively as he sipped his tea.
No, it's real!" JJ pleaded earnestly. "See here, it says here that imaginative, charming, and generous.
Drake simply raised an eyebrow in response to JJ's allegation. "For your information, I'm a good match with a horses or tigers, not rats, and a good career field for me would be a secret agent. Believe me; I've eaten out enough to pretty much know my Chinese astrology by heart."
"Damn." JJ pouted, caught it a lie. "Well, it's just make believe. We'd still make a good match."
Any further discussion of the Chinese zodiac and its relationship to real life was cut off by the arrival of their meal. The pair was immersed in a comfortable silent for the first few minutes as they were completely absorbed in the food in front of them.
When the waiter appeared with the check, JJ put forth all his energy into looking cute on cue.
"Fine, fine, I'll pay the bill." Drake volunteered without JJ even having to ask.
A moment latter JJ was in Drake's laps, arms tightly clasped about his partner's neck. "You're the best boyfriend ever."
"Damn it, JJ, I'm not you're boyfriend." Even to Drake this assertion didn't sound very convincing, no matter how true it was. It was hard to make such a claim with credit-card in hand and cuddly boy in his lap.
"We're always going out together, aren't we?"
"Yeah, for lunch, and nothing more. A little social outing, if you will. That's it." Drake said decisively, checking to see if anyone was watching while holding his hands up and away from JJ in the unofficial sign for "I'm straight."
"Call it what you will, it's still a date. Especially when you factor in all the kissing."
"Which were all totally involuntary, on my part," Drake insisted.
"Fine, whatever you say," JJ teased as he slid off of Drake's lap and put his coat on. Drake sighed and pulled out his poor, overworked credit card, and headed for the front register.
**************************************************
Great. Just fricken great. This was the last thing Berkley needed on his plate: a morale dilemma. Berkley always had trouble dealing with matters of this sort.
Which is why he was playing Grand Theft Auto.
Video games had always had a sort of soothing therapeutic effect on him, especially ones that allowed him to beat up random passers-by in effigy of people who were currently giving him stress. Lounging on the couch with a tub of half-eaten, mostly melted ice-cream was an added plus.
"You know those things are detrimental to the developing mind," an intrusive yet not altogether unwelcome voice scolded from the doorway.
"So is pornography, but that never stopped you, did it?" Berkley answered absently as the animated representative of himself mercilessly beat an old women who in turn represented the cashier at Starbucks who had given him cold coffee that morning.
"Touché." Diana plopped down on the couch next to Berkeley. "So are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or are you just going to mope in silence?"
"Mope in silence," Berkeley answered nonchalantly.
"C'mon, tell me!" Diana pleaded earnestly. "It's bad to keep stuff bottled up inside. Who knows, maybe I can give you some helpful advice."
"If I want to know how to juggle three guys who live in the same apartment building, then I'll come to you."
"Pwitty pwease?" Diana coxed, deciding to let Berkeley get away with that last comment. That only happened once. Okay, twice, but she would never admit to it.
"Stop with that annoying voice, and I will," Berkeley grumbled, still focused on the game.
"Yay!" Diana rolled over on her stomach and giggled, much like a twelve year old girl at a sleep over.
Berkeley sighed and reluctantly paused the game. "Look, I just have to fire two people. That's all." Berkeley snorted and tossed the remote away in a gesture of despair.
"Wow, I'm surprised your angsting over this." Diana commented, perplexed.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you do have kinds of a reputation as a cold-hearted self-involved prick," Diana replied casual as she picked up a magazine off of the coffee table.
Berkley feigned deep emotional injury. "Is that what you really think of me?" Berkley snorted. "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."
"Ha ha." Diana rolled her eyes. "Just fire the people you don't like, then," she offered helpfully.
"Yeah, but if I fire Dee, then Ryo is sure to do something senselessly romantic, like quit."
Diana shrugged. "Well, if Dee leaves with Ryo, than hey, problem solved."
"No, Ryo is too pretty."
"Then fire the ugly ones."
"Now that I think about it, they're all pretty good looking."
"Strange. That's pretty rare in the real world," Diana mused. "The annoying one, then?"
"JJ? No, he actually does his paperwork."
"The straight one?"
"Nah, we have quotas to meet, you know."
"Hmmm. This is pretty tough. I'm sure glad I'm not you." Diana reached over to dig a glob of melty ice-cream out of the container with her finger. "So why don't you just pawn it off on someone else? You know, give one of your subordinates the responsibility?"
"Yeah, but then which ones?"
"The ugly ones," Diana replied, as if the solution were obvious.
Berkeley sighed. "Thanks for the input, though, Diana. You've really made the situation mildly worst."
"That's what I'm here for," Diana purred as she snuggled closer to Berkeley.
While Diana's presence wasn't exactly helpful, it provided a suitable distraction. Despite all her faults, Diana was the only person on earth Berkley felt completely comfortable with. She had a way about her that made him relaxed and clear-headed. That's what she was there for.