Chapter 4 ~ Arashi
He was silent, his eyes cold and unaccommodating. Megumi fidgeted under the intensity of his hostile glare, but she could not see the weariness that lurked underneath. He was tired, so tired that he wanted nothing more than to sink into a dreamless slumber and escape unwanted intruders and accusing voices. But his feelings were not for her to see.
"Well?" She tried to cover her nervousness with a suggestive voice, but her tone turned sarcastic when he failed to respond. "Really, Aoshi, I just need to use your bathroom."
He almost didn't let her in, but manners could not be ignored. Megumi could almost see him relent. Always the perfect gentleman. He stepped silently out of the way and she breezed through, flashing him a dazzling smile over her shoulder whose effects were, sadly, completely lost.
He was so exhausted that he missed the predatory gleam in her eyes.
Shinomori Aoshi, no way am I letting go of you that easily.
Misao walked with a determined step all the way to the front of the apartment building, afraid that courage would fail her and make her flee. At the imposing glass doors, she stopped, for the first time aware of the pounding of her heart and an almost exhilarating sense of excitement that surged through every fiber of her being.
There was so much she needed to tell him, so many misunderstandings that still stood between them. But she was confident that they could all be swept away like the harmless threads of a spider's web.
This is right, she suddenly realized. Being here, it's just…right. And the thrill of that discovery demolished all fear and carried her through the entrance.
She arrived just as he was closing the door. She called out, eagerness infusing every syllable of his name.
"Aoshi!"
The door flew open, and he was there. Blue eyes crashed against blue like the edges of two meeting waves. When they receded, it was with a knowledge too sweet for words.
I'm so sorry.
I forgive you.
Her eyes were shining, her lips beginning to curve into a smile. She was just about to step into his long-awaited embrace, into the arms that would carry her into another world.
Then she looked over his shoulder.
Lightning flashed, illuminating the frozen scene with an eerie blue glow.
Takani Megumi stood just behind him, dressed in a revealing slip of scarlet silk, her long black hair unbound and flowing over her bare shoulders. And on her face, a fierce, triumphant smile. She laid one hand possessively on Aoshi's shoulder, the gesture so easy and intimate that it hurt to see it.
"Konbanwa, Makimachi-san."
In her paralysis, Misao saw nothing. Not the confusion that leapt into Aoshi's eyes, not the stiffening of his body when he sensed the third presence, not the alarm that froze his features into a fearfully blank mask. She could only remind herself to breathe.
Thunder roared, so loud that Megumi gave a little start. But it was enough to awaken Misao.
The blindness cleared from her eyes, leaving them clear as ice. She took a small step backwards, mentally poised to run. Outwardly, she was deathly calm, summoning every last shred of her training to shut off every single part of her that could still feel. She was the very image of detached courtesy when she inclined her head towards Megumi, her voice strong and cold as steel.
"Good evening, Takani-san. I'm sorry to have interrupted, but I only came to give some documents to Shinomori-san about the Yamada account."
Like a marionette, she reached into her bag and took out the file of papers. Turning towards Aoshi, she forced the file into his hand and looked him straight in the face. But she made sure that he would see nothing in her own.
"If you have any questions, you can call my office." Did that clipped, professional voice really belong to her? Was that stretched, unnatural distortion of a smile really on her face?
She was a marionette, but broken. And as she turned at last to flee, she wondered just how much those motions would cost her.
He stood still and unmoving until they both heard the clang of the closing elevator doors.
Megumi smirked. "Whew! I'm glad that's over. No wonder they call her the Ice Prin-"
Her words died when he turned to face her. His eyes were filled with a fury so terrifying and violent that she shrank back and had to physically stop herself from cowering.
His gaze flicked once over her attire, and she watched with horrified fascination as realization dawned. He spun around, one foot already in the hallway.
"Get out."
And then he was gone, leaving only the scattered papers fluttering at her feet.
The rain fell in pounding torrents, each drop striking her skin like a small, cold dagger. Completely soaked and half-blinded by the storm, Misao let her feet carry her away by sheer instinct, not caring where they led. She was grateful for the rain, for this blissful numbness that shut out all thought and feeling and the choking sense of betrayal that threatened to overwhelm her completely. Suddenly she stumbled against a raised step; throwing her hands out to catch her fall, she felt instead the stone and iron of a bridge railing. She straightened up and slowly took in her surroundings, recognition flooding her with painful memories as she saw the familiar lights of the Jefferson Memorial.
Footsteps sounded behind her. She did not need to see to know who it was, but she couldn't face him, yet.
"Don't." He stopped at her low warning. Even through the storm she could feel his silent, unmoving presence behind her, at once infinitely frightening and infinitely reassuring.
"There is nothing between Megumi and me. There never was." His voice was steady, but she could feel the tension thrumming just beneath its smooth surface. "There was never anyone else."
She considered this for a moment, then nodded wordlessly. She could accept that. Just as there had been no one else for her, either. She had never known Aoshi to speak a single falsehood, and however much she would have liked to act the petulant child and push all the blame onto him, she could do nothing but believe what he said. The rational part of her knew that there must be an explanation for what she had seen at his apartment, that it would be unfair to deny him a defense. But she was still too stung, too wounded, to be completely rational.
Lightning flashed again, so close that she imagined she could feel the heat from its brilliance. Her hands tightened on the bridge railing, desperate for an anchor to a sane, solid world. Behind her closed eyelids the nightmare of the previous moments replayed itself in searing vividness, while a maelstrom of confused thoughts and startled emotions ripped and raged at her tenuous self-control. And rising ominously from their midst, a stark spectre that had never seemed so solid as it did now, was the overpowering feeling of…
"Misao." Low, but undeniable.
…fear.
Slowly, carefully, she turned to face him, her expression still composed into a mask of cold indifference. He was standing only steps away, so that she could see the raindrops sliding down his face, his hair, soaking his white shirt and dripping off its collar. He was close enough so that, if she had been willing to, she could have witnessed each change of emotion in his unguarded eyes, each time their colors shifted hues, in a pattern of greys and azures she had once known so well.
Still the distance between them was immense. Her gaze remained focused on his shirt collar, her face frozen in that terrible soul-blinding blankness.
"What are you afraid of?"
The mask cracked a little. She glanced up at him then, a startled question in her look, only to meet with the blazing heat in his own ~ fiery, scorching heat, fierce with otherworldly power and brilliance, like lightning itself in his eyes. All the truth in his soul burned there for her to see, the passions bare and unhidden. He never moved, never took a single step forward, but she was seized with a wild desire to run.
What are you afraid of? He asked the question again, silent this time, that unbearable heat still burning in his eyes. Imbued with all the force and desperation of the moment, it charged through the rain to shatter her mask. Her defenses splintered into a million glittering pieces and melted into the driving rain.
"I—I…" She could only shake her head, as she brought her hands up, trembling, for him to see. Her eyes glimmered in an agony of confusion and helplessness. "Aoshi…"
In a single movement he crossed the distance between them. And then all she knew were Aoshi's arms around her, Aoshi's hands on her back, Aoshi's heated skin against her own, Aoshi's heartbeat beneath her fingertips.
Aoshi's kiss on her lips.
There was no holding back, no polite restraint, no careful consideration. There was only the sensation of his lips on hers, passionate, possessive, heady as strong wine and turbulent as crashing thunder. There were soaring heights, plunging depths, a universe of whirling stars, fire and wind and rain. There was the sweetness of wild flowers, the tang of ocean spray, the crisp snow of Alpine peaks. There were countless joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, a lifetime of memories dazzling as jewels. And glowing more brightly than anything else was a hope that refused to ever be extinguished.
Kissing him was to be illuminated by his lightning, to feel its heat and brilliance setting her afire, branding her as his own. Kissing him was never to be wholly herself again.
The first tear slipped through her eyelashes and slid down her cheek.
"I love you."
He spoke the words as a prayer against her lips. And in doing so, he gave her the strength to push him away.
"No."
Misao would always remember with perfect clarity the exact instant at which she left his embrace, compelled by the devastating panic that streaked through her being when he said the words that would bind her to him forever. And even though she tried her hardest to forget, she would always carry the image of Aoshi's face at the exact moment of her wounding him.
They stood apart once more, breathing heavily and facing off as sudden opponents. Aoshi's face was ghastly white, his eyes overrun by a gamut of confusion and hurt even as his body struggled for control.
"Doushite?" The question came as a pained whisper. His expression was terrible to see, but she forced herself to look at him unflinchingly when she delivered her answer.
"Because I am afraid of losing myself."
He laughed ~ a bitter, short bark that chilled her blood. "Did you think that either of us was ever free?" Those strange, wounded eyes lowered to look piercingly at her. "You and I were lost long ago."
With unspeakable sorrow, she stared at this Aoshi she did not know. "You do not understand." Her voice wavered for the first time. "I'm so sorry."
"I do not want apologies!" His hands clenched into fists by his sides; the same quick anger stirred in Misao and made her reckless.
What are you afraid of?
"Why can't you understand?! I am afraid, Aoshi, absolutely terrified! I am terrified of what we're rushing into, terrified that things won't work out, terrified of being left alone to pick up the pieces! You don't know what it's like, to have built up your entire life and identity around one single person and to have that fall apart and be left with nothing. Nothing!" The words rose like poisoned barbs from the darkest part of her soul, as if they had lain in wait for this day. "Eight years ago you disappeared. But it wasn't just you that left, Aoshi. You took a part of me away with you too, the most important part of me! I didn't know who I was after you were gone. Do you have any idea what it's like to look in the mirror and see only shattered fragments of yourself? Everything I saw, everything I did, everywhere I went ~ I knew them all in terms of you." Her tears mingled with the rain on her face, her vision so blurred that she could no longer see him clearly. "But you left. And the old Makimachi Misao died. I had to build a new one, piece by piece, and make sure that she depended on nobody but herself. Because—because, I'm not sure that I would be strong enough to do it all again. I never dreamt that I would ever see you again; I promised myself that I wouldn't let it happen." The old grief returned, as painful and poignant as it had always been. She was wrong to have thought that she could forget. "But here you are, and you have just said the three most important words I have ever wanted to hear in my life. And already I can feel myself slipping away. If even this misunderstanding with Megumi could hurt so deeply, I can't dare to imagine what would happen if—if you leave again-"
"I won't." His tone was subdued, but not entirely free from reproach. "Do you have that little faith in me?"
She shook her head sadly. "I don't know. I thought that we just needed time, time to know each other again, to learn to trust each other and adjust to the changes in our lives. But eight years ago I thought I knew you better than anyone else in the world. People change, Aoshi, even when they've made the most steadfast promises. And right now I can't afford to be broken again."
The rain fell ceaselessly onto the old stone bridge, its beat no longer frenzied but steady with ageless sorrow. For an endless moment, the two figures in its midst stood silent and unmoving, irrevocably caught between their past and future. Unwilling to look back, and unable to move forward.
"What do we do now?" And it broke her heart to hear the hope still lingering in his voice.
She closed her eyes to steel herself, but really it was to memorize this last image of him standing before her. I'm sorry, Aoshi. And when she opened them again, it was goodbye that shone from their depths.
He did not speak; only a barely perceptible nod told her that he chose to respect her decision. Not daring to stay for another instant, she turned to leave the bridge.
But she was not far before his arms caught her from behind, pulling her backwards into an urgent embrace, his voice fierce and determined in her ear.
"I will wait for you, Makimachi Misao. I'll be right here, waiting for you to find your way back to me. And then I will never let you go again. As long as it takes, I'll wait."
She stood still for a heartbeat, then slowly, gently, her hands eased his arms aside. She did not look back as she walked away.
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This was one of the hardest chapters I have ever written. All I can hope is that it did not disappoint you. Feedback is very, very appreciated. Thank you so much for reading ~ I'll try my hardest to post the next chapter soon.