"Luv, you look tired. I got this covered, go on, sleep."
I meet the vampires iced pupils and nod slowly, trying to make myself comfortable in the seat of his De Soto. We've only been driving for half an hour, but I have no idea in which direction, or where are destination is.
I don't want to know either.
Slowly, I feel one arm wrap around my shoulders as I close my eyes. He holds me tight and I try to block out reality. If I can just focus on the physical, then maybe. . . maybe the guilt won't have time to sink in.
Because I'm afraid I won't be able to bear it.
I think it took leaving Riley to realize how much I loved him. Comparing my passion for him to my lust for Angel seemed almost unfair to him so I tried hard not to even think of my fist love.
What I thought was my only love.
What I had with Angel. . . what I still have with him I guess in a way, was something I didn't think anyone could measure up to. And it wasn't Riley's fault I felt less for him then he did for me. If I had never met Angel, then maybe I would truly love my husband.
I can tell myself that, but the truth is, I've been feeling more for Spike then I have for Riley. It hasn't been love, it will never be love where Spike is concerned. But whatever it is, it's *more*
When I first started to love Riley, I didn't realize it. How could this be love? It felt like a watered down rendition of the emotion, like a Americanized version of an inappropriate anime.
It felt like I was missing something.
The thing I finally realized is, I loved Riley all along. Buffy and Riley, the perfect couple.
But I'm not just Buffy, I'm the Slayer, and the Slayer can't be sated by a human.
This epiphany came to me as I we made love, but I didn't have the words to explain it to him. Not that he would understand anyway.
Reflecting on it now though, I don't think I'd need to tell him. He was never in love with the Slayer. Riley looks at me like I'm Buffy, like I'm human.
It's that fact that the Slayer can't stand.
It's because of that I can't be with him.
~ ~ ~
I open my eyes to shadows and streetlights as we race along the highway. Yawning, I straighten up so that I can clearly see the road. It's quite, with cars scattered along the length of the road. I glance at my watch;
3: 49
"We're nearly there pet, hang on." Spike most have noticed I was awake, which doesn't really surprise me, but I hadn't made much noise while I pulled out of sleep. Probably he was paying more attention to me then driving.
Nodding slowly, I let my eyes wander toward the window to where heavy fog sits over the ocean. The waves crash on the beach below, casting spray that high into the air. Illuminated by moonlight, the sea stretches out past sight, it's moving, but it looks solid.
My attention is distracted as we pass a street sign.
Ventura: 312 mi. Santa Barabra: 299 mi. Los Angeles: 7 mi.
"Where are we going?" I ask apprehensively, fidgeting in my seat.
The vampire taps his chipped fingernails on the steering wheel and glances toward me. "LA, that OK pet?"
The City of Lost Angels. . .
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine."
And it is, it's a large city where I can only be the Slayer. If I stay as Buffy, I'm not sure if I'll be able to do this, besides, the Slayer is so much stronger.
As long as I don't want fall into the arms of a fallen Angel, I'll be all right.
I ran away to start over, I found release in the arms of darkness and left the embrace of humanity.
The only thing I want to know now is, will I ever be able to turn back?
I meet the vampires iced pupils and nod slowly, trying to make myself comfortable in the seat of his De Soto. We've only been driving for half an hour, but I have no idea in which direction, or where are destination is.
I don't want to know either.
Slowly, I feel one arm wrap around my shoulders as I close my eyes. He holds me tight and I try to block out reality. If I can just focus on the physical, then maybe. . . maybe the guilt won't have time to sink in.
Because I'm afraid I won't be able to bear it.
I think it took leaving Riley to realize how much I loved him. Comparing my passion for him to my lust for Angel seemed almost unfair to him so I tried hard not to even think of my fist love.
What I thought was my only love.
What I had with Angel. . . what I still have with him I guess in a way, was something I didn't think anyone could measure up to. And it wasn't Riley's fault I felt less for him then he did for me. If I had never met Angel, then maybe I would truly love my husband.
I can tell myself that, but the truth is, I've been feeling more for Spike then I have for Riley. It hasn't been love, it will never be love where Spike is concerned. But whatever it is, it's *more*
When I first started to love Riley, I didn't realize it. How could this be love? It felt like a watered down rendition of the emotion, like a Americanized version of an inappropriate anime.
It felt like I was missing something.
The thing I finally realized is, I loved Riley all along. Buffy and Riley, the perfect couple.
But I'm not just Buffy, I'm the Slayer, and the Slayer can't be sated by a human.
This epiphany came to me as I we made love, but I didn't have the words to explain it to him. Not that he would understand anyway.
Reflecting on it now though, I don't think I'd need to tell him. He was never in love with the Slayer. Riley looks at me like I'm Buffy, like I'm human.
It's that fact that the Slayer can't stand.
It's because of that I can't be with him.
~ ~ ~
I open my eyes to shadows and streetlights as we race along the highway. Yawning, I straighten up so that I can clearly see the road. It's quite, with cars scattered along the length of the road. I glance at my watch;
3: 49
"We're nearly there pet, hang on." Spike most have noticed I was awake, which doesn't really surprise me, but I hadn't made much noise while I pulled out of sleep. Probably he was paying more attention to me then driving.
Nodding slowly, I let my eyes wander toward the window to where heavy fog sits over the ocean. The waves crash on the beach below, casting spray that high into the air. Illuminated by moonlight, the sea stretches out past sight, it's moving, but it looks solid.
My attention is distracted as we pass a street sign.
Ventura: 312 mi. Santa Barabra: 299 mi. Los Angeles: 7 mi.
"Where are we going?" I ask apprehensively, fidgeting in my seat.
The vampire taps his chipped fingernails on the steering wheel and glances toward me. "LA, that OK pet?"
The City of Lost Angels. . .
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine."
And it is, it's a large city where I can only be the Slayer. If I stay as Buffy, I'm not sure if I'll be able to do this, besides, the Slayer is so much stronger.
As long as I don't want fall into the arms of a fallen Angel, I'll be all right.
I ran away to start over, I found release in the arms of darkness and left the embrace of humanity.
The only thing I want to know now is, will I ever be able to turn back?