Stand By
Chapter Three
"Kagome…" Sango grabs my arm and drags me back into the shadows of the house as Inuyasha and I prepare to leave, saying our goodbyes to the family. "I won't have my baby until you get back. I doubt the gods are as cruel as to having that bitch deliver my child…" She grins and throws her arms around me, squeezing. "You have delivered all of my children so far, and I don't see why that has to change anytime soon."
She finally lets go and I smile at her, walking towards Miroku to give him a hug goodbye. I wanted to give Hayashi and Mori a present; but I left those back at Inuyasha's home in my yellow bag. I'll give them to the boys once I get back. I always have something for the children when I come, usually just a lollipop or some crayons and a coloring book. I think I'll get Hayashi a bike for his tenth birthday, and possibly the Harry Potter books for Michiko. She'll enjoy them, since I'm teaching her and the rest of the kids how to read and write.
I hug Miroku, the monk-turned-blacksmith. He hugs me back, but this time his hand doesn't stray towards my rear end. I think it's because Inuyasha's watching with the eyes of a hawk. He whispers good luck and claps me on the shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. I see him look up towards Inuyasha and almost feel something pass between them, some secret still untold.
It was strange, I realize as I walk a step behind Inuyasha, waving good-bye to the happy family, a family that I will always love and stand by. Like Inuyasha's. I will stand by them, and they will stand by me, me and my lonesome self. I stop and give a final thumbs-up, jumping up and twisting so that I was facing the same direction as Inuyasha.
"I have to go home and tell Kikyou, get some things. You?"
I shrug. "The usual. I'll be going home for about an hour, then I'll come right back. I just have to phone my editor to tell him I'll be staying later than usual. You have any clue how long we'll be gone?"
"Judging from what Miroku said, I'd say about two or three weeks." He snorted. "If I was still hanyou, we'd be only gone for a few days, you riding on my back. But we'll need to borrow horses and do it the tough, human way."
I smile, cleverly saying, "But it was worth becoming human, right? You're with Kikyou, after all. Just like you've always wanted."
Inuyasha doesn't say a word. I let my mind wander to mundane things, things of the past. I think of Sango and Miroku, of Kikyou and Inuyasha. Of the night I cried when he became human and married the now alive Kikyou. The day Kaede died. How the children were born. The relief of Naraku's defeat and the functioning of the well.
"Kagome!" Shippou knocks me out of my stupor as we reach the cabin minutes later. Inuyasha walks off without a word and I think about his particularly foul mood. He's barely exchanged several sentences with me, and it's starting to grate on my nerves. Shippou notices my stare and pulls at my hand, making me bend over so he can whisper in my ear. "I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, but last night while I slept with Souta, I could hear them fighting."
"About what?" I whisper. Suddenly I want to know more, even if it is rude and I have no right to know. My world is shattering even I realize that it has really been collapsing around me since that day I feel down the well.
"Inuyasha said something about… not having any more children. Kikyou started to cry and Inuyasha spent the night outside." Shippou pulls away and shrugs. "I thought they were going to fight over you again."
My eyebrows furrow. "Do they always fight over me?"
Shippou rolls his eyes like I've asked a question like why the sky is blue. "Whenever your gone. You're all Inuyasha talks about and it makes Kikyou mad. Kikyou's scary when she's mad." He grins. "But I can see why Inuyasha always talks about you. Because everybody loves you Kagome!" He hugs me and I have to laugh.
"I don't know about that Shippou… I certainly haven't met everybody, have you?" He shakes his head and I ruffle his cinnamon brown hair, watching his green eyes light up. "Hey, I have something for you. Go get my yellow pack out of my room, will you?"
He nods and trots off, leaving me to stand. I do it slowly, wearily, as though the whole world is on my own shoulders. I don't want to think about this right now, but my heart, which has beat faithfully for the past decade just because it thought that I might have a chance, overrides my brain and protesting body.
No more children… Why? Because Inuyasha can't stand to have anymore children with a woman he can no longer love, or simply because he doesn't want to have anymore? But that would go against what he has always told me before he married Kikyou… That he wanted to be accepted and raise a large family. Two children is definitely not a large family. Eight or nine, that was a family size that seemed to fit Inuyasha the best.
Then what Shippou said… 'I thought they were going to fight over you again.' He sounded like he was tired of it all; like it had happened so many times that it was becoming as regular as breathing.
Were Inuyasha and Kikyou really that distant? I saw them hug and kiss, saw them cuddle and talk, but I realized that it was more and more sparingly. I guess I didn't really notice it because I was too wrapped up in my own pain, too much pain, that I really couldn't notice either of them. I also might have brushed it off as a marriage thing. After awhile I guess couples stop becoming love-dovey; not that it has stopped Sango or Miroku. Maybe I should have noticed. After all, if Kikyou loved Inuyasha as much as I did, she would want nothing more than to hold him forever, till the world ended.
Or maybe that was just me. Maybe it was just because I would never have him, maybe that's what made me want to hold him forever and beyond. Maybe it was the forbidden fruit appeal. Kikyou had him, had had his body, had his affections and whatnot.
Or maybe I was still deluding myself into thinking that a rocky part of their relationship meant that Inuyasha was totally and madly in love with me. I can't hold in a snort of disbelief. Yeah, that's Inuyasha. The man who runs back and forth between the look-a-likes.
No, he's as faithful as a dog and as stubborn as a mule. He'll hang onto their relationship as long as I said; till death to they part. Even though I know it's cruel, even though I know it's mean, I still can't stop being selfish and wishing that Kikyou would just get a goddamned clue. I can't bring myself to place any fault on Inuyasha; because, even though he's not perfect and I know it, I don't want to mess with his god-like image in my head.
Shippou is bouncing back and suddenly I feel horrid, like the wicked witch or something. Sometimes I feel as though I should go and wash myself from the inside out. Yet when the urge to wish that things would change or that Kikyou had never been brought back to life invade my thoughts, I don't try to push them away. I welcome them. Even though I know it's wrong and bad and mean, though it could hurt if anyone ever found out, I still think it and still hope.
Shippou hands me my bag with a smile. I hope that Shippou will never have to live through this pain, though he probably has. He's seen his parents slaughtered in front of him; every night he sleeps on the worn pelt of his father in Souta's room. But he's let his hate go; it isn't festering in him like it is in me.
I pull open the bag as Shippou's eyes widen in the usual childish manner. I've only brought him some color-changing markers and an 'Inuyasha: Sengoku o-Togi Zoushi' color book. Still, when he leafs through the book and spots a picture of himself, he breaks out into the biggest grin any kid can give and hugs me with his tiny arms.
I can almost cry as he runs off to go show Michiko and Souta.
But I've never cried since that day, not even when Kaede died. Not when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, because that night I used up my tears. They no longer exist for me.
I shoulder my pack and walk out the door, ready to go back to my time. As I leave the hut, listening to the voice of the children pouring over Shippou's new coloring book (which I hope he shares) I also hear something that I probably shouldn't; the voices of Inuyasha and Kikyou.
As before, I know I should keep on walking, that I shouldn't be listening because it's rude and I have no right to know, but it something that my heart has longed for.
Before you go onto say about how awful I sound, let me tell you, that even if I should be altruistic and considerate, I'm not. I'm not the perfect person everybody makes me out to be, who is always kind and full of smiles. I have pain and I have desires and wishes that could hurt so many people if they ever came true… Especially those around me. But I'm still selfish and some part of me believes that it can be justified. I love Inuyasha, and whatever is happening to him is in a way happening to me, so I stop outside the window, pretending to rummage through my bag as though I forgot something. My ears home in on the voices of those two people that I have envied for so long, wishing I could have what I thought they had…
"…all about her, not me! Inuyasha, I love you with all my heart, but you still don't trust me enough to return the favor!"
"Kikyou, that's so fucking wrong! I love you, of course I do…"
"But not as much as you love her!" Somebody slams something into the table. I can imagine them sitting down and speaking in slightly raised voices, nothing too unusual. But what they're talking about…
"Look, you made me spill the tea I made for ourselves and her!" Kikyou spat out my name as though I were something vile, like Naraku's offspring. "I don't know why you chose me. Your faithful, stubborn ways, or because it would have been a blow to your valuable pride and honor." I wince, imagining Inuyasha's mask of fury and Kikyou's stoic, yet pissed off, face, a face that I hadn't really seen in years.
"You don't know a goddamned thing, so just shut up about things you don't fuckin' know!"
"Why do we always fight about this Inuyasha? Why do we torment ourselves? If you would just let me destroy the well so she could leave us alone…"
"Destroyin' the well! That's the solution to all of our goddamned problems, isn't it? Kagome's out of our lives! Now everything will fall into place! Never mind that the village won't have a miko-"
"I could take that place."
"You no longer have the powers of one! You cannot keep this place purified since I took those powers away with your virginity… What fuckin' use is it? You can hardly do anything any more! You're just a doctor!"
"A doctor a thousand times better than that inexperienced chit!"
I breathe so fast and my heart pound so quickly I'm afraid that it's going to leap out of my chest. I want to yell in pain, cry with sorrow, jump for joy… But I do nothing, my hand frozen halfway to my bag. To anyone watching, it would probably look like I was thinking about something important.
There's a silence in the house, no more desperate sounds from Kikyou or enraged snarls and growls from her husband, the man I love. I stand and walk away, not wanting to restrain myself anymore. If I walk away, then no more damage can be done…
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm goin' to get ready." I hear Inuyasha say, his footsteps coming closer as I run down the dirt road. The damage is done. The evidence just thrown at me is confirmed. I can no longer see Inuyasha as that truly happy man that I have always seen before… Because in truth he is about as haunted by his choice as I am.
How can I face him in just short, quick hour? I'll only have sixty minutes to control my breathing and drive to my flat, grab my clothes and shampoo. I'll only have three thousand six hundred seconds to stop my hands from shaking and my lip from trembling. How am I going to resist throwing my arms around him and whispering promises that are as hollow as a bird's bone yet as true as the sunrise?
I'm at the well, the Bone-Gobbler's Well, and by the gods, I once again feel the power of it pulsing between my fingers, which grip the wood as if it is my only anchor to this world, as if I will float off into the sky if I let go. It's so simple, a dry well brimming with magic that can take me backwards and forwards in time the cause of all my pain and sorrow, happiness and joy.
I fall to my knees and press my cheek against the rough wood. Gods help. Gods save me. If I could change this all… If I could go back in time and kill Onigumo before he was turned into the monster Naraku by hundreds of common youkai, youkai that ate out his flesh and his corrupted soul, I would. Just to erase all that has been done, to give everyone a better chance…
I realize I'm crying, and it surprises me. I haven't cried in nine years. My cheeks are wet with warm liquid, the salt stinging my cracked lip. Is this real? Am I dreaming? I raise a hand to touch my damp cheek, pulling it away to gaze at it. The tears make my skin sparkle and shine as I turn it in the blazing sun, the one of late spring hovering in the sky above me.
Suddenly I'm angry. Angry that my love, an emotion that was so strong yet a great weakness, has turned me into something I hate; a simpering girl who has nothing better to do than cry about things that probably will never change.
I stand, my feet no longer shaky, but the world spins around me, spinning, spinning, spinning, gone into oblivion, wrong and right mixed into shades of gray. I resist the urge that overtakes me, the one that makes me want to throw up all over the ground.
Taking my yellow pack into one hand, the pack that has seen all my adventures ever since the beginning when I was dragged through the well by the low class youkai, Centipede Jourou, and jump into the well, feeling the magic engulf me as the black and brown stone becomes liquid light, blue swirling with the stars of tomorrow.
My scuffed sneakers hit the bottom of the well, sending a shock throughout my whole body. I stand once again from my kneeling position, my mind blank, nose and eyes burning. My fingers are cold. I stagger up the ladder that my grandfather and brother put in the well when I first began my time traveling, walking out of the small shrine without a backward glance, into the sun once again.
I stare at the gray, even stone as I walk. I don't want to look up to see the Goshinboku tree, though I know what it will look like; the green leaves unfurling while sunlight dances through the buds, the light wind that ruffles my hair making the branches sway. I pass through it's shadow and even to me that feels like I've dirtied something as pure as the spirit of the majestic and ancient tree.
Taking the stone steps two at a time, I think about the weirdest thing; why Miroku became a blacksmith of all things, why he gave up his priesthood. He had told us that he was a pure being, the evil of his hand and his human ways balancing out the pure energy that came from the long line of monks his family came from. Because the evil energy was gone, he became too pure. Also, if he wanted to marry Sango, he explained as he tossed the hoops into the stream, each one making a distinctive splash as it hit, he would have to give up his priesthood. The followers of Buddha could not dedicate their lives to their god and have a family.
His faith ran strong, but his love for his wife and would-be family was stronger. He would suffer in this life, he said, but he would choose to reborn a thousand times over if it meant that he could be with Sango only once.
Love like that was love that I could never share with Inuyasha.
My arm freezes, key to my car in hand, as this thought enter my head. I want to get rid of it, to chase it away like a cat chases a mouse. But I can't, because deep down I know it's true. I may love him, and he might love me, but he chose Kikyou and that was the end of the chance that I might have had to love him the way Miroku and Sango love each other.
All because of one choice. The world that I have dreamed of for so long just fell around me and a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. Let them fight over me. Let my heart be torn. This is karma. This is a pre-destined fate. This is what happens when the lives become hopelessly tangled in the fabric of time. Now I see that what has happened is the only way for things to have happened.
I smile, a shaky smile after so much truth. Truth hurts. Nothing is more radical than the truth. And nothing has ever made me cry as hard as the truth.
Tears course down my face, the pain making my chest constrict. I can't stop crying, blood from biting my lip so hard running along with the tears. I know that I need to stop if I want to cover all this up and get back to the Sengoku Jidai in time. But I know I can't, so I won't try.
Anybody else have goosebumps? *lip trembles* Kagome has just realized that no matter what, things will never be right. She might have Inuyasha in the end, or she might just have to watch Inuyasha and Kikyou live out their lives. But, oh-ho, what is this? The plot bunnies have attacked the poor authoress? It is snowing to beat high hell and Aeja might not have school tomorrow? This is very good, very good indeed… *strokes imaginary goatee*