The sun is streaming in through the open blinds and I close them with
not even a glance to the sun. LA must be going through a heat spell
because it's been warm in the dark and the days sweltering. Last night I
had opened the windows for hope of a breeze, whoever owns this place is to
cheap for air conditioning. Spike had growled that I better close them
before the day comes, and I shot back that he better stop telling me what
to do.
Later he told me to beg for him, and I did.
Last night had definitely been one of the better ones. There's a part of him that must like the sex soft because unless I'm forceful with it, he's gentle with me.
If I wanted gentle, I would have stayed with Riley.
We had gotten into an argument before the sun had even disappeared beneath the horizon. He had ridiculed me about my fashion sense, saying I needed more leather and less cotton. I asked what a vampire from the Victorian era knew of today's clothing and he said more then I did.
This coming from a guy that has nothing outside the color palate other then black.
We went patrolling that night, first time since he brought me here. It felt like the entire night was mine alone, haven't had that elation like feeling for longer then I would like. It's finally come to be that the Slayer and Buffy have one in the same life. Now I'm only trading predatory demons for a neutered one. Well, that's not all together true, Spike does a well enough job of torturing me in ways the chip doesn't recognize. But that didn't become an issue until later, for now the cemetery was mine. None of the vampires knew who I was, had no idea until they met my eyes as they dusted. One of them knew Spike, not about the chip though. The demon thought Spike had come back to take over again, do what he couldn't in Sunnydale, seems that story got around just fine.
I laughed as Spike subjected himself to the fledglings ramble, that is, until he mentioned Angel.
"Your grandsire is hunting us now." The vampire had said in a hushed tone. "Taking down the demon world and doing a hell of a job at it. Now that your back in the mix, we can kill the traitor." He smiled, fangs glinting in pale moon light. I stopped my giggling at the sound of Angel's name, and Spike noticed. "William the Bloody's on our side." The vampire continued proudly, but as he finished Spike shoved him up against a crypt wall and cleanly staked him.
The darkness which had seemed so inviting before was now closing in and all I wanted was to escape back toward the light. I hadn't thought of Angel, hadn't let that thought creep in. It hurts to admit, but it's more painful to think of Angel then of Riley.
Hell, I've come to the point where I can think of my husband without flinching.
And it scares me.
I move away from the blinds and back toward the bed where Spike still lays. I've never been one for sleep, but I guess for vampires it's a different story, they are nocturnal creatures after all. I crawl in with him anyway and pull a thin sheet to cover my nude body. Spike had noted last night that I look best bare and for that reason I can't bring myself to dress.
The room is lighted by fragments of the sun and I close my eyes as my head sinks into the pillow wondering what am I looking for. How can my disgust for Spike turn to wanting praise from him in just a few short years? Have I become so dependent on this demon. . . this thing that I can't function outside of his embrace.. . that I can't live a normal life?
The thoughts scare me because I threw away my world to be with him. For some reason, I become frightened, so much that my breaths becomes short and my heart beats faster.
As if on cue I feel a strong arm snake itself around my body to pull me closer. Soft kisses are pressed into my collarbone and shoulder. I reign in my fear and turn my head to meet him in a kiss.
"Morning luv." He whispers, running his tongue over blunt teeth as if to recapture the moment.
I force a smile. "Morning."
The fact that I'm troubled is painted deeply in my eyes, and he knows it. He also knows better then to bring it up, it'll come to the light in due time, it always does.
~ ~ ~
I was pleasantly surprised to find the refrigerator fully stocked with edible human food. I had half expected to have to run out to the grocery store, which was something I was not looking forward to. Instead I found an assortment of goods that would last me at least a week.
For the first few days I only snacked on crackers and cheese, with the occasional yogurt or fruit. Tonight I was looking forward to actually making something of substance, so I pulled out mushrooms, ham, not so fresh lettuce and the rest of the ingredients for making a chef salad.
Spikes watched TV on the couch while I threw the lettuce in a bowl and tossed in some tomatoes. I'm looking at the brand of salad dressing when he calls me over.
"Yeah?" I ask, my eyes on the television to see that what he's watching. My Softmore college picture is on the channel 5 news and it takes me a moment before I can listen to what the reporter is saying as my hand grips the bottle of dressing.
". . . Buffy Summers was said to have gone missing six days ago. Sunnydale police report that they have no sightings of her since the disappearance. However, there is reason to believe that she was abducted by a male friend who the family says has a history of violence. We have not been able to get a hold of a photo of the suspect kidnapper, but friends say he is 5'5, peroxide blonde hair and goes by the name of Spike. In other news, top analysts say that the Supermarket Strike may be going on for some time now as there have been no talks between the managers and the union. . ."
I had to soften my grasp on the bottle, knowing that if I squeezed any harder it would have broken. There was silence aside from the mummer of the news which I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I should have known that my friends would look for me, that Riley would drive to the ends of the earth to find where I had gone. Filing a police report should have been something I expected.
This was the second time today I found herself afraid of the consequences of my decision.
Spike just sits there, eyes watching me as I move back to the kitchen to finish my salad. There's nothing I can do about it, I chose to leave and I can't go back. Some consequences you just can't face, going back to the life you left is one of them.
I lay out a cucumber and pick up a knife, beginning to chop the vegetable into bite sized pieces.
A voice nibbles on my thoughts that I have run before, and I have returned. After I killed Angel I disappeared, but I came back. I had something to come home to then, my mom, my friends, Giles and Dawn. I had school to finish and a hellmouth to protect.
None of that exists anymore. Dawn and mom, my flesh and blood are gone, ashes in the dust of the earth. My father. . . well, Giles was my father in my eyes and he abandoned me in the wake of Dawns death. I still haven't forgiven him for that. Willow and Xander no longer have to look to me for a purpose in life. Willow has her magic and Xander has Anya.
I know Spike is there before he wraps his arms around my torso and spoons his body against mine. Allowing myself to relax in his embrace and stop cutting.
"Pet, you going to be ok?"
My breath is shaky and I can't bring myself to say anything. My brain can't even function enough to think properly.
"Pet?" He questions again and I can feel his cool breath on my neck.
I take in a deep breath. "I'll be all right." I pick up the knife again and continue slicing the cucumber, waiting for him. Waiting for something, anything to break me out of this limbo of emotion. Instead I focus my attention on the blade sliding though the green skin of the vegetable.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Bird, there's no shame in this." As he speaks his hold becomes stronger.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"They can't take you back if you don't want to go. Can't make you something your not, can they pet?"
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Said it yourself, your not apart of that life anymore. Not the girl you once were."
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"You've changed Summers and I've watched it. Your primal now, a force that can't be tamed."
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Well. . ." He trails, breath heavy on my skin. "Not by a human anyway, certainly not by that ponce of a husband. . ."
Chop. Chop. Slice.
The knife slid into my skin as I listened to his mummers. I yelped, drawing my forefinger up to watch the blood spill from the tip. Spike stopped talking and I hid a sigh of relief. I'm not sure how much longer I could listen to that. I wasn't sure if it was so outlandish that I only kept from hitting him out of curtsy, or that I was standing in shock because it was the pure truth.
His arms unlace from my body and he comes around me to hold the finger in his hand. Before I can grab for a towel he brings me into a searing kiss, that for a moment, lets me forget about everything. I feel his lips leave mine and then transfer to the blood pouring from my finger. He sucks, cautiously at first but then harder as he searches for the blood underneath the skin. I'm reacting to it, my heart races against my chest and my skin breaks out in a cold sweat. Every nerve on my body is alert and I feel alive as he drinks the blood from me. I start to get wet from and I just can't find the power to push him away, no matter how embarrassed I am by it. Just as I think I might scream, he relents and removes his lips from my finger.
His head draws back and I see that he's in game face. Yellow eyes narrow under heavy eyelids that seem to be in an induced state of pleasure. Mouth is part way open as though it would detract from the blissful state to close it. I watch in fascination as he morphs back to his human guise.
"Were out of packaged blood." He notes casually and then stops to watch the reaction on my face, I'm not sure what's seen there. "Not going to match what I just had though, pity that." He says it like a compliment, but I'm to stunned to take it as one.
I let him drank him from me.
I swore I would never let anyone, anything drink from me.
Angel was an exception, and even then that was an intimate experience.
This was just. . . primal.
"Can you get me a toothbrush?" I ask quickly to get my mind off of what just happened.
He stares at me, bafflement in his eyes. "A toothbrush pet?"
I shrug, I know I had packed the darn thing when I had pulled my stuff together, but somehow it had gotten lost anyway. "Could, you please?"
He nods and leaves without another word.
I'm grateful, because the moment the door shuts I can stop fighting the emotion and just cry it out.
Later he told me to beg for him, and I did.
Last night had definitely been one of the better ones. There's a part of him that must like the sex soft because unless I'm forceful with it, he's gentle with me.
If I wanted gentle, I would have stayed with Riley.
We had gotten into an argument before the sun had even disappeared beneath the horizon. He had ridiculed me about my fashion sense, saying I needed more leather and less cotton. I asked what a vampire from the Victorian era knew of today's clothing and he said more then I did.
This coming from a guy that has nothing outside the color palate other then black.
We went patrolling that night, first time since he brought me here. It felt like the entire night was mine alone, haven't had that elation like feeling for longer then I would like. It's finally come to be that the Slayer and Buffy have one in the same life. Now I'm only trading predatory demons for a neutered one. Well, that's not all together true, Spike does a well enough job of torturing me in ways the chip doesn't recognize. But that didn't become an issue until later, for now the cemetery was mine. None of the vampires knew who I was, had no idea until they met my eyes as they dusted. One of them knew Spike, not about the chip though. The demon thought Spike had come back to take over again, do what he couldn't in Sunnydale, seems that story got around just fine.
I laughed as Spike subjected himself to the fledglings ramble, that is, until he mentioned Angel.
"Your grandsire is hunting us now." The vampire had said in a hushed tone. "Taking down the demon world and doing a hell of a job at it. Now that your back in the mix, we can kill the traitor." He smiled, fangs glinting in pale moon light. I stopped my giggling at the sound of Angel's name, and Spike noticed. "William the Bloody's on our side." The vampire continued proudly, but as he finished Spike shoved him up against a crypt wall and cleanly staked him.
The darkness which had seemed so inviting before was now closing in and all I wanted was to escape back toward the light. I hadn't thought of Angel, hadn't let that thought creep in. It hurts to admit, but it's more painful to think of Angel then of Riley.
Hell, I've come to the point where I can think of my husband without flinching.
And it scares me.
I move away from the blinds and back toward the bed where Spike still lays. I've never been one for sleep, but I guess for vampires it's a different story, they are nocturnal creatures after all. I crawl in with him anyway and pull a thin sheet to cover my nude body. Spike had noted last night that I look best bare and for that reason I can't bring myself to dress.
The room is lighted by fragments of the sun and I close my eyes as my head sinks into the pillow wondering what am I looking for. How can my disgust for Spike turn to wanting praise from him in just a few short years? Have I become so dependent on this demon. . . this thing that I can't function outside of his embrace.. . that I can't live a normal life?
The thoughts scare me because I threw away my world to be with him. For some reason, I become frightened, so much that my breaths becomes short and my heart beats faster.
As if on cue I feel a strong arm snake itself around my body to pull me closer. Soft kisses are pressed into my collarbone and shoulder. I reign in my fear and turn my head to meet him in a kiss.
"Morning luv." He whispers, running his tongue over blunt teeth as if to recapture the moment.
I force a smile. "Morning."
The fact that I'm troubled is painted deeply in my eyes, and he knows it. He also knows better then to bring it up, it'll come to the light in due time, it always does.
~ ~ ~
I was pleasantly surprised to find the refrigerator fully stocked with edible human food. I had half expected to have to run out to the grocery store, which was something I was not looking forward to. Instead I found an assortment of goods that would last me at least a week.
For the first few days I only snacked on crackers and cheese, with the occasional yogurt or fruit. Tonight I was looking forward to actually making something of substance, so I pulled out mushrooms, ham, not so fresh lettuce and the rest of the ingredients for making a chef salad.
Spikes watched TV on the couch while I threw the lettuce in a bowl and tossed in some tomatoes. I'm looking at the brand of salad dressing when he calls me over.
"Yeah?" I ask, my eyes on the television to see that what he's watching. My Softmore college picture is on the channel 5 news and it takes me a moment before I can listen to what the reporter is saying as my hand grips the bottle of dressing.
". . . Buffy Summers was said to have gone missing six days ago. Sunnydale police report that they have no sightings of her since the disappearance. However, there is reason to believe that she was abducted by a male friend who the family says has a history of violence. We have not been able to get a hold of a photo of the suspect kidnapper, but friends say he is 5'5, peroxide blonde hair and goes by the name of Spike. In other news, top analysts say that the Supermarket Strike may be going on for some time now as there have been no talks between the managers and the union. . ."
I had to soften my grasp on the bottle, knowing that if I squeezed any harder it would have broken. There was silence aside from the mummer of the news which I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I should have known that my friends would look for me, that Riley would drive to the ends of the earth to find where I had gone. Filing a police report should have been something I expected.
This was the second time today I found herself afraid of the consequences of my decision.
Spike just sits there, eyes watching me as I move back to the kitchen to finish my salad. There's nothing I can do about it, I chose to leave and I can't go back. Some consequences you just can't face, going back to the life you left is one of them.
I lay out a cucumber and pick up a knife, beginning to chop the vegetable into bite sized pieces.
A voice nibbles on my thoughts that I have run before, and I have returned. After I killed Angel I disappeared, but I came back. I had something to come home to then, my mom, my friends, Giles and Dawn. I had school to finish and a hellmouth to protect.
None of that exists anymore. Dawn and mom, my flesh and blood are gone, ashes in the dust of the earth. My father. . . well, Giles was my father in my eyes and he abandoned me in the wake of Dawns death. I still haven't forgiven him for that. Willow and Xander no longer have to look to me for a purpose in life. Willow has her magic and Xander has Anya.
I know Spike is there before he wraps his arms around my torso and spoons his body against mine. Allowing myself to relax in his embrace and stop cutting.
"Pet, you going to be ok?"
My breath is shaky and I can't bring myself to say anything. My brain can't even function enough to think properly.
"Pet?" He questions again and I can feel his cool breath on my neck.
I take in a deep breath. "I'll be all right." I pick up the knife again and continue slicing the cucumber, waiting for him. Waiting for something, anything to break me out of this limbo of emotion. Instead I focus my attention on the blade sliding though the green skin of the vegetable.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Bird, there's no shame in this." As he speaks his hold becomes stronger.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"They can't take you back if you don't want to go. Can't make you something your not, can they pet?"
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Said it yourself, your not apart of that life anymore. Not the girl you once were."
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"You've changed Summers and I've watched it. Your primal now, a force that can't be tamed."
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"Well. . ." He trails, breath heavy on my skin. "Not by a human anyway, certainly not by that ponce of a husband. . ."
Chop. Chop. Slice.
The knife slid into my skin as I listened to his mummers. I yelped, drawing my forefinger up to watch the blood spill from the tip. Spike stopped talking and I hid a sigh of relief. I'm not sure how much longer I could listen to that. I wasn't sure if it was so outlandish that I only kept from hitting him out of curtsy, or that I was standing in shock because it was the pure truth.
His arms unlace from my body and he comes around me to hold the finger in his hand. Before I can grab for a towel he brings me into a searing kiss, that for a moment, lets me forget about everything. I feel his lips leave mine and then transfer to the blood pouring from my finger. He sucks, cautiously at first but then harder as he searches for the blood underneath the skin. I'm reacting to it, my heart races against my chest and my skin breaks out in a cold sweat. Every nerve on my body is alert and I feel alive as he drinks the blood from me. I start to get wet from and I just can't find the power to push him away, no matter how embarrassed I am by it. Just as I think I might scream, he relents and removes his lips from my finger.
His head draws back and I see that he's in game face. Yellow eyes narrow under heavy eyelids that seem to be in an induced state of pleasure. Mouth is part way open as though it would detract from the blissful state to close it. I watch in fascination as he morphs back to his human guise.
"Were out of packaged blood." He notes casually and then stops to watch the reaction on my face, I'm not sure what's seen there. "Not going to match what I just had though, pity that." He says it like a compliment, but I'm to stunned to take it as one.
I let him drank him from me.
I swore I would never let anyone, anything drink from me.
Angel was an exception, and even then that was an intimate experience.
This was just. . . primal.
"Can you get me a toothbrush?" I ask quickly to get my mind off of what just happened.
He stares at me, bafflement in his eyes. "A toothbrush pet?"
I shrug, I know I had packed the darn thing when I had pulled my stuff together, but somehow it had gotten lost anyway. "Could, you please?"
He nods and leaves without another word.
I'm grateful, because the moment the door shuts I can stop fighting the emotion and just cry it out.