Harsh Reality and the Lies We Told
It was easy to live the lie. After a while it became a force of habit; the names, the actions, the looks, the insults, everything..it was just so damn easy. It was genuine enough at first, but when the pretenses and short tempers faded away, the truth was rather obvious. However, the lie was still easier and simpler to live. Believing in it meant fewer emotions to sort through, less questions to ask or never ask, and no answers that might disappoint. In short, there was less chance of getting hurt.
I had grown accustomed to the way we interacted; I hadn't realized that he had wanted a change. I should have seen it in the way his eyes looked immediately after I caught him staring at me. Or those little smiles that almost looked like his typical smirks, but really weren't. At the time, they were confusing; I'd never seen them before on his face. I would stand there, a little mystified, watching the gleam in his eyes and the secretive smile, completely unthinking. Then he would laugh; I was sure he was laughing at me and so I'd glare at him and storm away. It was much easer that way.
He sent up so many signals, which were obvious to everyone, except of course me. Even his other fiancées had recognized them for what they were and started to relinquish the hopes they had built up over the years. The walks home from school were less frequented by unsolicited propositions for dates and free food. He and Ryouga had a confrontation a month before that went very badly very quickly; I'm still not sure exactly what it was that they talked about, but I have a very good idea now. I haven't seen Ryouga or P-chan since.
He's gone out of his way to be nice to me and all I could do was become suspicious and end his attempts with cruel words. I think, now, that I was afraid, maybe I wasn't ready for the change, as much as I needed it at the time. So I forced the issue away, behind layers of anger and denial. However, he wasn't fooled by my appearance, as I was.
We were sitting on the porch late after dinner; the family was occupied with their own traditional nightly activities. He had somehow managed to maneuver us both outside, where we sat side-by-side watching Nerima dark and quiet. He was tense, which was a complete contrast to his typical laid- back persona. I knew he was building up to something with the way he kept taking furtive glances at me, but I didn't push the matter. I was surprised when he snatched my hand from where it lay on the porch and held it in his own. For several minutes he didn't say I word, instead he sat there in silence, drawing strength from the diminutive contact. Then he took a deep breath and turned to face me.
"I, uh, have something I really wanted to say to you for a while," he briefly bit his lower lip and drew another deep breath as I waited for him to continue. His eyes clouded over for a moment, then he seemed to reach a resolution within himself and gazed steadily in to my eyes.
"Akane, I love you. Do you..love me?"
I looked into his pleading eyes, and I felt my stomach turn in on itself and my throat close up in a painful twist. The words in my mind became jumbled and twisted as I tried desperately to regain the façade I had meticulously perfected. However, it was gone.
I hung my head and closed my eyes tight, shaking my head as the knot in my throat tightened. I stood with statue-like frigidness for several long moments, avoiding his face and the accusation I believed must be there. I knew that at any second he would call Liar and I would be exposed and defenseless.
"I see," he said in a tight and pain filled voice as he dropped my hand, turned and left me behind. Hearing him say that was worse, worse than Liar ever could have been.
I wanted to run to him, stop him from walking away and out of my life forever. I wanted to tell him .. tell him .. I'm not sure exactly .. anything. I just couldn't stand and watch him walk away hurt and angry, but I did. I watched him leave through tear-blurred eyes, and felt my lie crash down around me. I knew, at that moment, that I could no longer deceive myself or anyone else, but then again it was too late. He was gone and I was alone, facing the harsh reality I had built for myself.
I found him six weeks later, at Ryugenzawa? He'd been there for quite some time, training mostly and living the way he had before he had ever met me. I didn't ask him why he had went to Ryugenzawa, it wasn't important at the time. Now, I wonder if it had to do with Shinnosuke and that time I had ran away, he had almost lost me then, to another boy and a dragon. In the end, however, I had come home with him, and maybe, just maybe, he wanted and needed to remember that now, even though he had lost me for good.
The man I saw there was not the same one that I had lived with only six weeks ago. It looked as though the life had been steadily drained from him. His steps, which once moved with fluid grace and ease, seemed so mechanical and tired. I believed he hadn't slept very well or eaten much in the past weeks. When he noticed me and my intent gaze, he turned his head and found something interesting on the ground. However, for that brief instant that I saw his eyes, I knew something was wrong; the spark that was Soatome Ranma was missing, replaced by the vacant look of depression. I felt something in my chest shrivel and I fought back the tears.
He wouldn't meet my eyes and entirely ignored me for the first two days. However I refused to leave, I had screwed this up so many times in the past, but this time, I promised myself, would be different. That is, if he ever decided to talk to me again.
I knew he wouldn't, I would have to take the initiative with him for once. I approached the fire he sat next to and joined him with about five feet between us. Whenever I got too close, he would walk away without a word.
"Ranma?"
He ignored me and continued to gaze vacantly in to the fire, but I know he had heard me. So I continued to sit in silence, waiting for him to acknowledge me.
"Why'd ya come here?" he asked with a little venom.
Something within my chest twisted a little at his heartless words. I wondered if that was how he felt when I had rejected him. It hurt, a lot, and I couldn't stand to leave it at that. I had to tell him as plainly as I could, because if I didn't I was sure he'd leave me with out a second glance. In fact, he began rise as I thought through this.
"To bring you back," I responded.
"I'm not coming back, Akane," he said coldly. "Not for Pop, Mr. Tendou, Shampoo, Ukyou or anyone else."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and spoke in a voice that was barely a whisper, "What about me?"
He looked down at me with a certain amount of regret, which quickly turned to resentment. "You don't want me, remember?"
I shook my head violently, "No, Ranma. I do."
He looked hurt and sad. "Not like I want you."
Fierceness crept into my eyes and I stood, glaring at him.
"No. I do want you Ranma! I love you!"
He looked skeptical and sadly shook his head. "No, Akane. You said you didn't, why is now any different?"
"Because I decided I couldn't be afraid of change anymore; it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After all, change brought me you."
He looked up at me with a glimmer of hope in his cloudy eyes and I couldn't keep a small smile from my lips. He still cared, after all I had said and done, he still hoped for a future with me. I felt a wave of guilt overcome me at the thoughts of my vicious words and actions; I dropped my head as the hot tears leaked from my eyes.
"Ranma, I'm so sorry.." I started to sob, "I was s-such a-a..."
I felt his arms wrap around me and his lips brush against my ear.
"Kawaiikunee tomboy?" he offered lightly, almost affectionately.
"Y-yes!" I sobbed even harder in to his chest, clutching at his shirt and burying my face in it. If I didn't know any better I thought I heard him chuckle.
"But, ya know somethin'?" he asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone.
I sniffed in response and looked up to meet his eyes. God, he looked better! The light was back in his blue eyes and that smug smile crept across his face.
"You're my kawaiikunee tomboy," he said as he pulled me tighter.
I smiled at him and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"And you're my insensitive baka," I responded as the tears cleared my eyes.
We sat like that for an hour and watched the fire die down. The next morning, we packed up our things and left for Nerima. As he took my hand, I realized once again that the reality was so much better than the lie if you were willing to fight for it.
It was easy to live the lie. After a while it became a force of habit; the names, the actions, the looks, the insults, everything..it was just so damn easy. It was genuine enough at first, but when the pretenses and short tempers faded away, the truth was rather obvious. However, the lie was still easier and simpler to live. Believing in it meant fewer emotions to sort through, less questions to ask or never ask, and no answers that might disappoint. In short, there was less chance of getting hurt.
I had grown accustomed to the way we interacted; I hadn't realized that he had wanted a change. I should have seen it in the way his eyes looked immediately after I caught him staring at me. Or those little smiles that almost looked like his typical smirks, but really weren't. At the time, they were confusing; I'd never seen them before on his face. I would stand there, a little mystified, watching the gleam in his eyes and the secretive smile, completely unthinking. Then he would laugh; I was sure he was laughing at me and so I'd glare at him and storm away. It was much easer that way.
He sent up so many signals, which were obvious to everyone, except of course me. Even his other fiancées had recognized them for what they were and started to relinquish the hopes they had built up over the years. The walks home from school were less frequented by unsolicited propositions for dates and free food. He and Ryouga had a confrontation a month before that went very badly very quickly; I'm still not sure exactly what it was that they talked about, but I have a very good idea now. I haven't seen Ryouga or P-chan since.
He's gone out of his way to be nice to me and all I could do was become suspicious and end his attempts with cruel words. I think, now, that I was afraid, maybe I wasn't ready for the change, as much as I needed it at the time. So I forced the issue away, behind layers of anger and denial. However, he wasn't fooled by my appearance, as I was.
We were sitting on the porch late after dinner; the family was occupied with their own traditional nightly activities. He had somehow managed to maneuver us both outside, where we sat side-by-side watching Nerima dark and quiet. He was tense, which was a complete contrast to his typical laid- back persona. I knew he was building up to something with the way he kept taking furtive glances at me, but I didn't push the matter. I was surprised when he snatched my hand from where it lay on the porch and held it in his own. For several minutes he didn't say I word, instead he sat there in silence, drawing strength from the diminutive contact. Then he took a deep breath and turned to face me.
"I, uh, have something I really wanted to say to you for a while," he briefly bit his lower lip and drew another deep breath as I waited for him to continue. His eyes clouded over for a moment, then he seemed to reach a resolution within himself and gazed steadily in to my eyes.
"Akane, I love you. Do you..love me?"
I looked into his pleading eyes, and I felt my stomach turn in on itself and my throat close up in a painful twist. The words in my mind became jumbled and twisted as I tried desperately to regain the façade I had meticulously perfected. However, it was gone.
I hung my head and closed my eyes tight, shaking my head as the knot in my throat tightened. I stood with statue-like frigidness for several long moments, avoiding his face and the accusation I believed must be there. I knew that at any second he would call Liar and I would be exposed and defenseless.
"I see," he said in a tight and pain filled voice as he dropped my hand, turned and left me behind. Hearing him say that was worse, worse than Liar ever could have been.
I wanted to run to him, stop him from walking away and out of my life forever. I wanted to tell him .. tell him .. I'm not sure exactly .. anything. I just couldn't stand and watch him walk away hurt and angry, but I did. I watched him leave through tear-blurred eyes, and felt my lie crash down around me. I knew, at that moment, that I could no longer deceive myself or anyone else, but then again it was too late. He was gone and I was alone, facing the harsh reality I had built for myself.
I found him six weeks later, at Ryugenzawa? He'd been there for quite some time, training mostly and living the way he had before he had ever met me. I didn't ask him why he had went to Ryugenzawa, it wasn't important at the time. Now, I wonder if it had to do with Shinnosuke and that time I had ran away, he had almost lost me then, to another boy and a dragon. In the end, however, I had come home with him, and maybe, just maybe, he wanted and needed to remember that now, even though he had lost me for good.
The man I saw there was not the same one that I had lived with only six weeks ago. It looked as though the life had been steadily drained from him. His steps, which once moved with fluid grace and ease, seemed so mechanical and tired. I believed he hadn't slept very well or eaten much in the past weeks. When he noticed me and my intent gaze, he turned his head and found something interesting on the ground. However, for that brief instant that I saw his eyes, I knew something was wrong; the spark that was Soatome Ranma was missing, replaced by the vacant look of depression. I felt something in my chest shrivel and I fought back the tears.
He wouldn't meet my eyes and entirely ignored me for the first two days. However I refused to leave, I had screwed this up so many times in the past, but this time, I promised myself, would be different. That is, if he ever decided to talk to me again.
I knew he wouldn't, I would have to take the initiative with him for once. I approached the fire he sat next to and joined him with about five feet between us. Whenever I got too close, he would walk away without a word.
"Ranma?"
He ignored me and continued to gaze vacantly in to the fire, but I know he had heard me. So I continued to sit in silence, waiting for him to acknowledge me.
"Why'd ya come here?" he asked with a little venom.
Something within my chest twisted a little at his heartless words. I wondered if that was how he felt when I had rejected him. It hurt, a lot, and I couldn't stand to leave it at that. I had to tell him as plainly as I could, because if I didn't I was sure he'd leave me with out a second glance. In fact, he began rise as I thought through this.
"To bring you back," I responded.
"I'm not coming back, Akane," he said coldly. "Not for Pop, Mr. Tendou, Shampoo, Ukyou or anyone else."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes and spoke in a voice that was barely a whisper, "What about me?"
He looked down at me with a certain amount of regret, which quickly turned to resentment. "You don't want me, remember?"
I shook my head violently, "No, Ranma. I do."
He looked hurt and sad. "Not like I want you."
Fierceness crept into my eyes and I stood, glaring at him.
"No. I do want you Ranma! I love you!"
He looked skeptical and sadly shook his head. "No, Akane. You said you didn't, why is now any different?"
"Because I decided I couldn't be afraid of change anymore; it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After all, change brought me you."
He looked up at me with a glimmer of hope in his cloudy eyes and I couldn't keep a small smile from my lips. He still cared, after all I had said and done, he still hoped for a future with me. I felt a wave of guilt overcome me at the thoughts of my vicious words and actions; I dropped my head as the hot tears leaked from my eyes.
"Ranma, I'm so sorry.." I started to sob, "I was s-such a-a..."
I felt his arms wrap around me and his lips brush against my ear.
"Kawaiikunee tomboy?" he offered lightly, almost affectionately.
"Y-yes!" I sobbed even harder in to his chest, clutching at his shirt and burying my face in it. If I didn't know any better I thought I heard him chuckle.
"But, ya know somethin'?" he asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone.
I sniffed in response and looked up to meet his eyes. God, he looked better! The light was back in his blue eyes and that smug smile crept across his face.
"You're my kawaiikunee tomboy," he said as he pulled me tighter.
I smiled at him and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"And you're my insensitive baka," I responded as the tears cleared my eyes.
We sat like that for an hour and watched the fire die down. The next morning, we packed up our things and left for Nerima. As he took my hand, I realized once again that the reality was so much better than the lie if you were willing to fight for it.