"Whose Line is it Anyway?" is my favorite show in the world. I've seen a few alternate versions of it here on ff.net (though I can't remember who wrote them), and I was inspired to try my hand at it. I admit that one of them was based on Jak II, but I'm not stealing anything from it; I don't even remember it that well.

Disclaimer: I don't own WLIIA or Jak II. I'm simply a crazed fan of both.

Whose Line is it Anyway—Jak II Style!

by Phoenix Flower

(Audience cheers and applauds as the "Whose Line…" logo appears on screen.)

DREW: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's show—

What's your sign? Jak!

What time do you have to be back in Heaven? Keira!

I lost my number; can I have yours? Torn!

And your place or mine? Daxter!

And I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun!

(Cheers and applause as he descends the stairs to sit at his desk.)

Thank you! Hello, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"—the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right; the points are just like Krew's treadmill. (laughter)

It's Jak II week here on "Whose Line?" (applause) If you never saw the show before, what happens is these guys are gonna make up everything you see off the top of their heads. We give 'em these fakey points—just a gag to hold the show together—and at the end, we pick a random winner. The winner gets to do a little something special with me…

AUDIENCE: Whoo! Ow! (Jak pretends to spray breath freshener into his mouth. Keira smoothes her hair.)

DREW: …and the loser gets to wash the goat. (laughter)

We've got a lot of show for you tonight, and we're gonna start things off with a game called "Let's Make a Date." This is for all four of you.

(Cheers and applause as Jak, Torn, Keira, and Daxter approach four waiting stools.)

Keira, you're gonna be appearing on a dating-type show, and these are the guys hoping to be picked by you for a date. We've given them each a strange quirk or identity written on these cards. They never saw the cards before. At the end, you're gonna try to guess who they are. So, whenever you're ready, take it away.

(As he talks, the three read their cards. Daxter is number one, Torn is number two, and Jak is number three. Daxter laughs and Jak shakes his head.)

KEIRA: Bachelor number one, I love a guy with a flair for romance. Where would you take me on our first date?

(Cut to Daxter. The text on screen reads "Vin as a hamster.")

DAXTER: (holds his hands near his chest like a rodent) AHH!! Oh, you startled me! Um, uh, first date? (fidgets nervously) I, uh…oh, gosh, my hands are getting all sweaty. Y-Y-You're kinda putting me on the spot here! I-I-I've never been out with a girl before, unless you count my mom taking me to the prom. (whimpers) Uh…oh…come back to me later! (makes chattering noises and twitches his nose)

KEIRA: You seem very weird. Bachelor number two?

TORN: What?! (Text on screen reads "Frustrated gamer whose conquest of Jak II keeps getting interrupted." Torn is pretending to be pressing buttons furiously on a controller.)

KEIRA: What's your favorite thing in a woman?

TORN: (impatiently) She's gotta know when I don't wanna answer any stupid questions! I'm a little busy right now, in case you didn't notice. Oh—damn it, look what you made me do! I was so close! I blew up four of those damn cruisers, and you made me die on the fifth one!

KEIRA: You scare me, and I like that. Bachelor number three?

JAK (British accent): What do you want? (Text: "Simon Cowell.")

KEIRA: Suppose I'm having a bad hair day and I ask you how my hair looks. What would you say?

JAK: What do you mean, suppose you're having a bad hair day? Your hair is Ghastly with a capital "G." Offhand, I'd say a smurf vomited on your head. You look worse than Clay Aiken did at his Atlanta audition.

KEIRA: (looks shocked) Uhhhh…bachelor number one, same question.

DAXTER: (scratching his head with his foot, then stops to answer in a frightened voice) Huh?! Oh, man, last time a girl asked me how she looked, I couldn't sit down for a week! You look great, you look great. Don't hurt me! (Pretends to stuff food into his mouth and puffs out his cheeks.)

KEIRA: You seem very wimpy. Bachelor number two?

TORN: Shut up, I need to concentrate.

JAK: All the concentration in the world isn't going to help you. You're horrible, absolutely horrible. I'm surprised you've made it this far.

TORN: Gah! You made me die!

JAK: You should thank me for putting you out of your misery. I swear, watching you is like hearing William Hung sing. (Drew hits buzzer.)

DREW: Keira, can you guess who they are?

KEIRA: Bachelor number one is Vin.

DREW: Yes, and he's also a…

KEIRA: A rat?

DREW: No. If you don't have a gerbil, you usually have…

KEIRA: A hamster. He's Vin as a hamster.

DREW: Yes. (buzzer, applause)

KEIRA: Torn is playing Jak II and doesn't want to be disturbed.

DREW: Yes. (buzzer, applause)

KEIRA: And Jak is Simon from "American Idol."

DREW: Yes, he's Simon Cowell. (buzzer, applause)

(All four return to their seats.)

DREW: That was great. A thousand points to each of you. Now let's move on to a game called "2-Line Vocabulary." This is for Jak, Torn, and Keira.

(Cheers and applause as the three come down.)

These three are gonna act out a scene for you, but Jak and Keira each have only two lines, and that's all they're allowed to say throughout the whole scene; Torn can say whatever he wants. The scene is…Torn is leading hikers Jak and Keira on an expedition through the mountains when disaster strikes. Jak, your lines are "Should I use my gun?" and "Holy yakkow, that's huge." Keira, your lines are "What are you trying to say?" and "That can't be good." (She giggles.) That's all they're allowed to say; Torn can say whatever he wants. Take it away whenever you're ready.

TORN: Stay alert, you two. Disaster could strike at any moment.

KEIRA: That can't be good.

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: If the disastrous situation calls for it, yes, use your gun.

KEIRA: What are you trying to say?

TORN: I'm saying there could be a disaster in which he should use his gun, and there could be one in which he shouldn't. Come on, we need to climb over this peak.

JAK: Holy yakkow, that's huge.

TORN: Yes, it is.

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: No, you can't blast a hole through this.

KEIRA: What are you trying to say?

TORN: I'm saying the peak is too big and solid to blast through with his gun.

KEIRA: That can't be good.

TORN: No, not if you're too lazy to actually climb it.

KEIRA: (offended) What are you trying to say?

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: No, don't shoot her yet.

JAK: (eyes widen in shock as he notices something ahead) Holy yakkow, that's huge!

TORN: Oh, my God! It's the Abominable Snowman!

KEIRA: That can't be good!

TORN: (irritated) No, it can't!

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: Yes! Now is the time to use your gun!

JAK: Holy yakkow, that's huge.

TORN: Yes, I know you're excited that you get to use your gun, but—AHH! It's attacking me! (drops to the floor and pretends to get beaten up)

KEIRA: That can't be good.

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: Yes! I told you, use the freakin' gun!!

(Jak pretends to shoot the "Abominable Snowman." Torn stands up, clutching his own arm.)

You took too long to shoot it, and now I'm gonna suffer massive blood loss and die!

KEIRA: That can't be good.

TORN: If you say that one more time, I'm gonna rip your face off!

KEIRA: What are you trying to say?!

JAK: Should I use my gun?

TORN: Yes, please!

(He steps back to give Jak a clear shot at Keira. Drew hits the buzzer, and the audience cheers and applauds as they return to their seats.)

DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go away!

Well, you heard the man; stay tuned for the next chapter!

By the way, I put in that Clay Aiken joke because it seemed like something Simon would say; it does not reflect my opinion of Clay. I love him!