It's funny.
I've always wondered what it would feel like to die. Would it hurt? Would I feel nothing at all? Would my life really flash before my eyes? What I really didn't expect was the horrible sensations. Of course it hurts. The utter agony is overwhelming as my life slowly slips away.
The taste of death is awful. I can taste my own blood, catching in my throat. It reminds me of the bitterness I went through after my Padawan's death. He was ready. He had been ready for the trials for a long time. I simply held him back because I didn't recognize his pure devotion and maturity to his Jedi path until it was too late.
You know, I really could have stopped it. I had gone off on one of my solo missions that I was always eager to accept. Sith, I'll never know why I liked to be so alone. To wallow in my own self pity? Force, I was an idiot. My Padawan was at the Temple when the call was made for all available Jedi to go and fight on Geonosis. He went, perhaps because he knew I would have gone if I had been in his place. He went, because he knew that blasted Obi-Wan and his Padawan needed help. He went, because he knew that evil would preside if the Jedi did nothing. And so my Padawan died, died in that cursed Arena. So much blood hit the sand that day, all blood of heroes sacrificing their lives for justice and peace.
I wish I could say the same for my blood, but that is not true. I was never big on justice and peace and living for the Code. Well, I used to be. But that changed. That all changed when I went on that undercover mission. That was the one mission that I will always regret accepting. I truly learned of all the bad stuff in this galaxy. I saw horrors, pain, and suffering. I saw all the injustices, the lies, and the cheatings of those who were twisted by greed and hatred. The more I was around it, the more it grew on me. When I returned to the Order, adjusting back to the Code never quite fit. The elder Jedi would always scowl behind my back thinking, 'There she goes. One of the most rebellious Jedi ever to have lived...'
I almost laugh when I think that my last stand would be for something completely against the Order. I am lying here, dying, because of love. Because of revenge and because of my bitterness.
I couldn't stand to see the heartbreak of the one I loved most dearly in life. I wonder what would be worse. Knowing that I could have died with my Padawan instead of lying here crumpled in an insignificant ball, or knowing that I failed and my Padawan went to the Dark Side. Yes, I think the later is worse. I die today because I wanted revenge for the man I love. I wanted revenge because both his apprentice and his daughter had been taken from him. The stench of death is rank. I smell dried blood and my own sweat. It is the most rancid thing I have ever smelt. I almost wonder if the stench will kill me before I truly fade away.
After the battle on Geonosis was over, I remember docking my starfighter on the Republic ship that was holding the wounded and the dead Jedi. I ran through the wounded, praying that he still lived. He did. I stayed with him most of the night. We amused ourselves by recalling our many adventures of old. Over all, we could only recall him saving me once. He was a bit stubborn and insisted on twice, but it didn't matter because I had come to his rescue one too many times. It was probably the best conversation I ever had with him. On that subject, I will always forever hold in my heart the conversation we shared when I almost left him.
You see, Palpatine was the hidden Sith Master. With his influence over Anakin, the young Jedi soon turned. He almost killed Kenobi and his own wife, Padme, for that matter. Kenobi was in healing when I spoke to him. He was lying on a bed, looking quite beat up. I stroked his hair, until he awoke. We spoke briefly, but I knew I had to tell him that I was leaving. He wouldn't have it. I remember the conversation oh so vividly, like it was just yesterday...
"What do you plan on doing now that the Order is non-existent?" He asked, his blue eyes holding a deep sadness. She shifted in her seat beside him, looking towards the ground. Obi-Wan watched her for a moment, then frowned. "Tell me, please."
"Look, Obi-wan. There's nothing left for me here. Sure I could keep on fighting, but to what purpose? To be slaughtered like everyone else? My Padawan is dead. The Order has fallen. There's nothing left."
"Stay. Please." He took her hand, almost pleading with her.
"Why should I?" Her voice cracked, emotion screaming through it.
"For me. Because of me. Stay with me." Obi-Wan whispered. She stared at him, suddenly aware that he knew what she felt for him. And she was scared. Scared that he knew and scared that he might feel the same way. She looked deeply at him. In that moment, their eyes were completely clear to each other. Every emotion and secret held inside were open to each other, plain as day. She gasped for air, and he sat up suddenly, drawing her into his arms. She began to weep, bitterly.
"I love you. I have for a long time. A very long time. Please stay with me. Stay with me forever. You are all I have left. Stay with me. Marry me." Obi-Wan whispered into her hair, into her long blond locks.
She shook, not knowing what to say. She drew back to look at him, staring into his endless seas of blue. He was serious. "I love you too." She whispered. He waited for more, but her answer never came. He held onto her, hoping she would answer. But she never did. She looked at him.
"You wanted to know where I was going. I'm leaving to kill Palpatine."
He drew back and stared at her. "You'll be killed. You can't."
"I have to."
"No. I won't let you."
She sprung to her feet, away from him. "You can't stop me Kenobi. I will do it. It was his fault that my Ferus died. Ferus was like a son to me. It's his fault."
"You can't have revenge. It's the way of the dark side." He pleaded with her. She wouldn't listen.
"So be it." She almost left, but stopped. She glanced at him for what she thought would be their last, but halted. He was crying. In all of her life, she had never seen Obi-Wan Kenobi cry. His tears were bitter and full of pain. The last thing he had left in his life was leaving him. And then, her revenge seemed a whole lot less important. She could never break his heart. Never.
She ran to him and took him into a strong embrace. "I will marry you, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I will."
I wish I could see him again. Really, really wish I could. He's probably still on Tatooine, watching the boy grow. And me, I left him to go after our daughter. On our journey to Tatooine, where we thought we would be safe, we stopped at a spaceport to refuel. There, our ship was raided and our daughter was abducted by Imperials. Palpatine himself took her under his wing, teaching her lies and darkness.
We continued on to Tatooine, not knowing where our daughter was. We had searched everywhere we could, but she was gone. But that wasn't good enough for me. I remember the last conversation I ever had with Obi-Wan Kenobi, my husband and best friend.
"So. You are leaving, aren't you?" He came up behind her, his scent filling her nose. She turned to him.
"Yes. I can't stay here, knowing our daughter is still alive. I can't sit still and watch her grow up with Imperials." She whispered. He took her in his old, loving arms. And then she understood that he knew what she had to do. And sadly, they both understood that she would never return.
"I know. To me, you are like a fire. You are beautiful in every way, but must always be in motion. You must always burn. I understood that you would leave to find our daughter before you even decided to go. I will not stop you. I would go with you were it not for a promise I made to an old friend. I promised to watch the boy. I loved our daughter deeply, but I can't leave. So I know I must say goodbye. Only know this, that no matter what, I will forever be with you. Right here." He pointed to her heart. She knew that he meant her very soul, the part of her that would live on in the Force.
"I love you, Kenobi." She wept into his chest, holding on for what would be their last. He leaned down and kissed her softly. He pulled back and whispered to her,
"And I love you too, Siri."
I failed. I wonder if he'll ever know that I failed so miserably. I didn't even see my daughter. She wasn't even there. Only Palpatine and his infamous Apprentice, Darth Vader were in that dark chamber. I realized the moment that I leapt through the air vent that they both knew I was coming. That's why my daughter wasn't there. My sweet little Mara Jade Kenobi was hidden from me. They couldn't even let me see her before they killed me. I fought Vader for all I was worth. For everything. But he won. So here I am.
It's kind of funny.
The sensations I feel are fading know. I feel as if I am leaving my body, slipping into the Force. Yes, I fall away. I think over everything I had ever done, everything I had ever been. A Jedi, a pirate, a master, a wife, and a mother. Is there a hero in any of that? I suppose I'll never know. I'm almost dead now, so I'll never know. Well, Force, you've heard everything. I'll let you be the judge, because I'm gone.
Is there a hero in any of that?
Was my life worth living?
I'll never know in this life.
I can see the Force now.
It is so bright, so very bright.
I know I will see my Mara and my Obi-Wan again.
We will see each other somewhere in the pureness of the Force. Somewhere in the white essence of the Force...
It's so bright...
So very bright...
Goodbye.
I've always wondered what it would feel like to die. Would it hurt? Would I feel nothing at all? Would my life really flash before my eyes? What I really didn't expect was the horrible sensations. Of course it hurts. The utter agony is overwhelming as my life slowly slips away.
The taste of death is awful. I can taste my own blood, catching in my throat. It reminds me of the bitterness I went through after my Padawan's death. He was ready. He had been ready for the trials for a long time. I simply held him back because I didn't recognize his pure devotion and maturity to his Jedi path until it was too late.
You know, I really could have stopped it. I had gone off on one of my solo missions that I was always eager to accept. Sith, I'll never know why I liked to be so alone. To wallow in my own self pity? Force, I was an idiot. My Padawan was at the Temple when the call was made for all available Jedi to go and fight on Geonosis. He went, perhaps because he knew I would have gone if I had been in his place. He went, because he knew that blasted Obi-Wan and his Padawan needed help. He went, because he knew that evil would preside if the Jedi did nothing. And so my Padawan died, died in that cursed Arena. So much blood hit the sand that day, all blood of heroes sacrificing their lives for justice and peace.
I wish I could say the same for my blood, but that is not true. I was never big on justice and peace and living for the Code. Well, I used to be. But that changed. That all changed when I went on that undercover mission. That was the one mission that I will always regret accepting. I truly learned of all the bad stuff in this galaxy. I saw horrors, pain, and suffering. I saw all the injustices, the lies, and the cheatings of those who were twisted by greed and hatred. The more I was around it, the more it grew on me. When I returned to the Order, adjusting back to the Code never quite fit. The elder Jedi would always scowl behind my back thinking, 'There she goes. One of the most rebellious Jedi ever to have lived...'
I almost laugh when I think that my last stand would be for something completely against the Order. I am lying here, dying, because of love. Because of revenge and because of my bitterness.
I couldn't stand to see the heartbreak of the one I loved most dearly in life. I wonder what would be worse. Knowing that I could have died with my Padawan instead of lying here crumpled in an insignificant ball, or knowing that I failed and my Padawan went to the Dark Side. Yes, I think the later is worse. I die today because I wanted revenge for the man I love. I wanted revenge because both his apprentice and his daughter had been taken from him. The stench of death is rank. I smell dried blood and my own sweat. It is the most rancid thing I have ever smelt. I almost wonder if the stench will kill me before I truly fade away.
After the battle on Geonosis was over, I remember docking my starfighter on the Republic ship that was holding the wounded and the dead Jedi. I ran through the wounded, praying that he still lived. He did. I stayed with him most of the night. We amused ourselves by recalling our many adventures of old. Over all, we could only recall him saving me once. He was a bit stubborn and insisted on twice, but it didn't matter because I had come to his rescue one too many times. It was probably the best conversation I ever had with him. On that subject, I will always forever hold in my heart the conversation we shared when I almost left him.
You see, Palpatine was the hidden Sith Master. With his influence over Anakin, the young Jedi soon turned. He almost killed Kenobi and his own wife, Padme, for that matter. Kenobi was in healing when I spoke to him. He was lying on a bed, looking quite beat up. I stroked his hair, until he awoke. We spoke briefly, but I knew I had to tell him that I was leaving. He wouldn't have it. I remember the conversation oh so vividly, like it was just yesterday...
"What do you plan on doing now that the Order is non-existent?" He asked, his blue eyes holding a deep sadness. She shifted in her seat beside him, looking towards the ground. Obi-Wan watched her for a moment, then frowned. "Tell me, please."
"Look, Obi-wan. There's nothing left for me here. Sure I could keep on fighting, but to what purpose? To be slaughtered like everyone else? My Padawan is dead. The Order has fallen. There's nothing left."
"Stay. Please." He took her hand, almost pleading with her.
"Why should I?" Her voice cracked, emotion screaming through it.
"For me. Because of me. Stay with me." Obi-Wan whispered. She stared at him, suddenly aware that he knew what she felt for him. And she was scared. Scared that he knew and scared that he might feel the same way. She looked deeply at him. In that moment, their eyes were completely clear to each other. Every emotion and secret held inside were open to each other, plain as day. She gasped for air, and he sat up suddenly, drawing her into his arms. She began to weep, bitterly.
"I love you. I have for a long time. A very long time. Please stay with me. Stay with me forever. You are all I have left. Stay with me. Marry me." Obi-Wan whispered into her hair, into her long blond locks.
She shook, not knowing what to say. She drew back to look at him, staring into his endless seas of blue. He was serious. "I love you too." She whispered. He waited for more, but her answer never came. He held onto her, hoping she would answer. But she never did. She looked at him.
"You wanted to know where I was going. I'm leaving to kill Palpatine."
He drew back and stared at her. "You'll be killed. You can't."
"I have to."
"No. I won't let you."
She sprung to her feet, away from him. "You can't stop me Kenobi. I will do it. It was his fault that my Ferus died. Ferus was like a son to me. It's his fault."
"You can't have revenge. It's the way of the dark side." He pleaded with her. She wouldn't listen.
"So be it." She almost left, but stopped. She glanced at him for what she thought would be their last, but halted. He was crying. In all of her life, she had never seen Obi-Wan Kenobi cry. His tears were bitter and full of pain. The last thing he had left in his life was leaving him. And then, her revenge seemed a whole lot less important. She could never break his heart. Never.
She ran to him and took him into a strong embrace. "I will marry you, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I will."
I wish I could see him again. Really, really wish I could. He's probably still on Tatooine, watching the boy grow. And me, I left him to go after our daughter. On our journey to Tatooine, where we thought we would be safe, we stopped at a spaceport to refuel. There, our ship was raided and our daughter was abducted by Imperials. Palpatine himself took her under his wing, teaching her lies and darkness.
We continued on to Tatooine, not knowing where our daughter was. We had searched everywhere we could, but she was gone. But that wasn't good enough for me. I remember the last conversation I ever had with Obi-Wan Kenobi, my husband and best friend.
"So. You are leaving, aren't you?" He came up behind her, his scent filling her nose. She turned to him.
"Yes. I can't stay here, knowing our daughter is still alive. I can't sit still and watch her grow up with Imperials." She whispered. He took her in his old, loving arms. And then she understood that he knew what she had to do. And sadly, they both understood that she would never return.
"I know. To me, you are like a fire. You are beautiful in every way, but must always be in motion. You must always burn. I understood that you would leave to find our daughter before you even decided to go. I will not stop you. I would go with you were it not for a promise I made to an old friend. I promised to watch the boy. I loved our daughter deeply, but I can't leave. So I know I must say goodbye. Only know this, that no matter what, I will forever be with you. Right here." He pointed to her heart. She knew that he meant her very soul, the part of her that would live on in the Force.
"I love you, Kenobi." She wept into his chest, holding on for what would be their last. He leaned down and kissed her softly. He pulled back and whispered to her,
"And I love you too, Siri."
I failed. I wonder if he'll ever know that I failed so miserably. I didn't even see my daughter. She wasn't even there. Only Palpatine and his infamous Apprentice, Darth Vader were in that dark chamber. I realized the moment that I leapt through the air vent that they both knew I was coming. That's why my daughter wasn't there. My sweet little Mara Jade Kenobi was hidden from me. They couldn't even let me see her before they killed me. I fought Vader for all I was worth. For everything. But he won. So here I am.
It's kind of funny.
The sensations I feel are fading know. I feel as if I am leaving my body, slipping into the Force. Yes, I fall away. I think over everything I had ever done, everything I had ever been. A Jedi, a pirate, a master, a wife, and a mother. Is there a hero in any of that? I suppose I'll never know. I'm almost dead now, so I'll never know. Well, Force, you've heard everything. I'll let you be the judge, because I'm gone.
Is there a hero in any of that?
Was my life worth living?
I'll never know in this life.
I can see the Force now.
It is so bright, so very bright.
I know I will see my Mara and my Obi-Wan again.
We will see each other somewhere in the pureness of the Force. Somewhere in the white essence of the Force...
It's so bright...
So very bright...
Goodbye.