Thoughts in recollect after the episode "Masks".
Disclaimer - I don't own the Teen Titans.
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"He did not trust, and you did not trust us."
Those words haunted him, dancing around his brain and chanting in his ears, never ceasing, and allowing him no sleep. How could he have betrayed them? Betrayed her? Thinking about it now, that really was what he had done.
In his desire to catch Slade ounce and for all, he had crossed the line. He had broken the law to preserve peace. Heaven only knew what Slade would have done with those chips. But that didn't excuse him, and he knew that now. Even Slade himself had said, "Two wrongs don't make a right." And he was right. Even through all of the evil inside him, Slade was right. Now it was as though he was watching a bad movie over and over in his brain, replaying the events of the previous days like a broken record. His own actions sickened him, but at the time it had seemed so right...
That look on her face, in her emerald eyes. She had been so disappointed in what he had done. No, not at what he had done, in him. She could not understand why he would do such a thing, to commit a crime to catch the criminal. That in turn made him a criminal, and it was doubly worse because Slade had ounce again been two steps ahead of him in both knowledge and tactics. Slade had betrayed the betrayer.
And though Robin hated to admit it, even in the privacy of his own room, that was what he was, a betrayer. He had kept vital information from his team. He had put them all in danger. He had put Star in danger. He was a fool.
He still could not get over that look in her eyes as she exited his room. It tore up his heart into tiny pieces, threw it to the ground and stomped it into the dirt. He could handle the criticism, the lectures, and even the anger that was directed at him, but not her disappointment. It made him hate and dispise himself for letting her down. It destroyed him from the inside out, this guilt inside of him that refused to be brushed aside. It ate at his soul in a way he never felt possible.
"I wish to understand..."
How could he hope to make her understand why he had done it? She knew how much he wanted to catch Slade, how the desire to put him away for good haunted him, consumed him. Every encounter left him no further than where he had been. It was intoxicating, the desire to find the elusive man who knew all about him and his team. In truth he didn't understand it himself.
Batman would have been ashamed of him. That thought registered mildly in the back of his subconscious. At the moment, he really didn't care. All he cared was how she felt about it. What she was thinking. He supposed she thought he was scum of the lowest form. He sure did.
Not able to sleep, he rose to get a snack. He entered the kitchen stealthily. The light of the moon illuminated the floor as he maneuvered his way carefully in the dark towards the fridge.
"Robin?" A sweet voice called his name. He turned to see her glowing almost in the light of the moon.
"Are you ill, Robin? Why are you up at this hour?"
Yes, I'm ill, he wanted to answer. I sicken of myself, and worse, I obviously sicken you.
"No, Star, I'm fine. I can't sleep. I just came down for a snack. Why are you up?"
She moved to stand next to him, gesturing to the couch.
"Would you like to talk, Robin?"
They walked over and sat next to each other silently. Her sigh broke the silence. Robin hung his head in shame.
"I - I'm sorry Starfire. I shouldn't have become a criminal to stop a crime. I know that now. Do you hate me?"
His question hung in the air for several minutes. The tension was thick as she contemplated her answer.
"No, Robin, I could never hate you. I forgive you for not trusting us."
"Thanks Star. I needed that."
"Shall we retrieve our snacks and return to our rooms then?"
"You go ahead Star. I think I'll stay here a while."
Starfire nodded.
"All right, Robin. Good night."
Starfire rose and returned to her room as quietly as she had come.
At least she didn't hate him, and even forgiven him. Those words alone were comforting to Robin as he sat and watched the moon high in the sky above the tower.
So even if he was a betrayer, a criminal even, he could live with that. And he could face tomorrow.
Come what may.
Disclaimer - I don't own the Teen Titans.
---
"He did not trust, and you did not trust us."
Those words haunted him, dancing around his brain and chanting in his ears, never ceasing, and allowing him no sleep. How could he have betrayed them? Betrayed her? Thinking about it now, that really was what he had done.
In his desire to catch Slade ounce and for all, he had crossed the line. He had broken the law to preserve peace. Heaven only knew what Slade would have done with those chips. But that didn't excuse him, and he knew that now. Even Slade himself had said, "Two wrongs don't make a right." And he was right. Even through all of the evil inside him, Slade was right. Now it was as though he was watching a bad movie over and over in his brain, replaying the events of the previous days like a broken record. His own actions sickened him, but at the time it had seemed so right...
That look on her face, in her emerald eyes. She had been so disappointed in what he had done. No, not at what he had done, in him. She could not understand why he would do such a thing, to commit a crime to catch the criminal. That in turn made him a criminal, and it was doubly worse because Slade had ounce again been two steps ahead of him in both knowledge and tactics. Slade had betrayed the betrayer.
And though Robin hated to admit it, even in the privacy of his own room, that was what he was, a betrayer. He had kept vital information from his team. He had put them all in danger. He had put Star in danger. He was a fool.
He still could not get over that look in her eyes as she exited his room. It tore up his heart into tiny pieces, threw it to the ground and stomped it into the dirt. He could handle the criticism, the lectures, and even the anger that was directed at him, but not her disappointment. It made him hate and dispise himself for letting her down. It destroyed him from the inside out, this guilt inside of him that refused to be brushed aside. It ate at his soul in a way he never felt possible.
"I wish to understand..."
How could he hope to make her understand why he had done it? She knew how much he wanted to catch Slade, how the desire to put him away for good haunted him, consumed him. Every encounter left him no further than where he had been. It was intoxicating, the desire to find the elusive man who knew all about him and his team. In truth he didn't understand it himself.
Batman would have been ashamed of him. That thought registered mildly in the back of his subconscious. At the moment, he really didn't care. All he cared was how she felt about it. What she was thinking. He supposed she thought he was scum of the lowest form. He sure did.
Not able to sleep, he rose to get a snack. He entered the kitchen stealthily. The light of the moon illuminated the floor as he maneuvered his way carefully in the dark towards the fridge.
"Robin?" A sweet voice called his name. He turned to see her glowing almost in the light of the moon.
"Are you ill, Robin? Why are you up at this hour?"
Yes, I'm ill, he wanted to answer. I sicken of myself, and worse, I obviously sicken you.
"No, Star, I'm fine. I can't sleep. I just came down for a snack. Why are you up?"
She moved to stand next to him, gesturing to the couch.
"Would you like to talk, Robin?"
They walked over and sat next to each other silently. Her sigh broke the silence. Robin hung his head in shame.
"I - I'm sorry Starfire. I shouldn't have become a criminal to stop a crime. I know that now. Do you hate me?"
His question hung in the air for several minutes. The tension was thick as she contemplated her answer.
"No, Robin, I could never hate you. I forgive you for not trusting us."
"Thanks Star. I needed that."
"Shall we retrieve our snacks and return to our rooms then?"
"You go ahead Star. I think I'll stay here a while."
Starfire nodded.
"All right, Robin. Good night."
Starfire rose and returned to her room as quietly as she had come.
At least she didn't hate him, and even forgiven him. Those words alone were comforting to Robin as he sat and watched the moon high in the sky above the tower.
So even if he was a betrayer, a criminal even, he could live with that. And he could face tomorrow.
Come what may.