Title: Gone Away
Author: Kora
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Feeds me!
Summary: [Songfic] Lucian misses Sonja and remembers their first kiss.
Author's note: Another part of my own devised LucianSonjaverse I suppose, as this could follow 'Moonlit Meeting' and 'Silver Bells' but can be read separate. This little ficlet helped my muse to start humming again - woo hoo!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lucian, Sonja or anything else - the song 'Gone Away' belongs to Offspring and those peoples. If I could own anything it'd probably be Raze - I kinda want to do a fic with him for some bizarre reason - and all because I mention him for all of two seconds here - LOL.
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His boots crunched on the crab grass as he walked through the graveyard methodically, weaving through cold headstones, fingers idly running along the ones he liked more than others. Some were dark gray, almost black, while others were so bright white, so vibrant they appeared to glow in the night like moonstones.
Some were the normal shape, a square with a curved top, while others were more elaborate - heart shaped or mere plaques stuck deep into the earth. A few rose high into the sky, pillars commemorating the person below, possibly a hero of war. Statues of angels over mothers, babies over children. Flowers dotted here and there, most fake, some real and fresh, a small portion dying over the beds of dirt and grass.
One tomb in particular caught Lucian's eye and he stopped before it. It was a large squared headstone, big enough to cover two stretches of grave. It belonged to a married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Loeb. Carved deep into the stone were the words, 'Joined together forever, in the beauty of heaven'.
Had they died together? Had they expected it - seen it coming? Lucian wiped some moss from the headstone, feeling the cold, smooth surface. He looked at the date and saw they had died nearly fifty years ago. How old would that make them today? Would they have children? Grandchildren?
A huff sounded behind him. Not directly behind, of course. He'd have to say about three miles away to his northeast. Raze. The deep voiced werewolf was never much one for conversation but then, he didn't need to speak when he all ready knew. He was one of the few that truly knew. And now he was watching over Lucian, making sure he was all right.
Lucian probably should have been outraged at having his privacy encroached upon or, more logically, upset that Raze wasn't more discreet, but he was neither. While he didn't consider himself friends with anybody, Raze was something to him. More than a solider but not a friend - just something.
Besides, it was probably well and good enough he did have someone watching his back as he did this. He tended to get…distracted.
No matter where they traveled, where they ended up he always felt this compulsion - this burning desire to come to one of these human death grounds. A cemetery. The place where they collected and gathered their corpses like a pack of baseball cards. It was supposed to be healthy - a place where one could come and visit those they had lost, where they could remember.
He would label it as morbid if he wasn't who he was. After all, hadn't he spent decades mourning for what he had lost? What he remembered? He did not even have a place to go to do so, no, he had to carry it everywhere.
Mortals came to this one place where their loved ones dwelled and purged it all out. Lucian did not have the luxury. There had not been enough left of Sonja to collect and bury. She had been ashes, broken and tiny, fragmented. He could not even have scooped up a handful of her to save - not that he would have wanted to.
Just the thought of it, the memory of her scorched face, that look of absolute agony forever etched on her…
No, he could not bear it. But would it have been better to have been mortal and placed her deep under the cool earth? To think of worms devouring and eating away at her porcelain flesh? He could not picture her in a coffin with her eyes closed, never to open. He could not picture her rotting away…
But then, he had gotten something close enough, hadn't he? But in swift order. He'd seen her fall apart quickly, seen her catch fire - like watching it all in fast forward - closed eyes, death, rotting…
He realized his hands were clenched into fists and a deep growl reverberated in his chest, teeth feeling sharp, eyes burning. The moon did not hold her sway over him, he could change now - he could give into the monster inside and run with the night. The beast called to him, wanting to be freed. Wanting to roam and feast, to take in all of the night.
Instead he struck a powered fist outward, a headstone near him exploding into rubble. He looked at it and wanted to howl in anguished defeat. He should not have done that. How would he feel if someone…
But then he didn't care. Sick, morbid humans trying to hold onto what they had lost with pretty pieces of stone, nothing more than decaying flesh and bone deep in the ground, forever encased in polished, overpriced boxes…
And for what? To make themselves feel better? The same reason they went home at night, knelt by their beds and prayed. Hoping some deity above gave a shit and cared. That he would listen and - and watch over, take care off…
Heaven.
What was that? It was supposed to be perfection, right? But you had to die to get it? Well he hadn't had to die. He had been to heaven. He had been there and it had been in Sonja's arms. With her. Through her. That had been his heaven but what now? She was dead so it was denied him? Was this hell then? It sure felt like it - so what happened when he died? He all ready been to heaven and lost it, he was living in hell now so what next for him?
Would he be reunited with Sonja in this deity's great palace or would he simply be lost to the winds…
He slumped down next to Mr. and Mrs. Loeb's tombstone and leaned his head back against it, feeling the cold seeped into him. His eyes were mere slits and to his left he could see fresh flowers on a new grave. How nice of them. Stupid humans. Decorating mounds of dirt and the dead that rested beneath.
His eyes closed and he found his mind wandering, drifting…Sonja…
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"Let me see! Let me see!" she gasped, reaching, trying to grab the sketchpad from him. Lucian couldn't help but laugh at her eagerness as he fought to hold on to the pad, twisting this way and that out of her reach, pad raised high above him, "It's just a work in progress, no where near done…"
"Please! Please! Puh-leeeeeeeeeeease!" she drew out, little voice chirping, eyes twinkling like stars.
"I don't know…"
"Just a peek! A peek!"
"And what, if I bestow this honor upon you, shall I get in return?" He knew it was crazy to tease her this boldly. She was royalty. He was a servant. But when they managed to actually get time alone together he forgot so easily…
For a princess she acted so casual, almost like a child, which was odd for her age. But in response to such comments she always pointed out there was nothing wrong with always holding on to a slice of childlike enthusiasm. Otherwise immortal life would be quite unbearable.
If you were going to live forever, you might as well have fun forever. Right?
This was Sonja's way of thinking. But she wasn't entirely frivolous. When it came to being serious she was set and determined. Her mind was studiously focused on learning. As was her way, she often researched and learned behind her father's back. He was furiously against the further increase of his daughter's knowledge. As far as he was concerned she had learned more than enough for any woman but Sonja was not be denied.
She wanted to know about everything - from English literature and science to politics and current events. Especially events within the underworld. She focused greatly in on vampire and lycan relations. She considered herself the future. She had some handhold in power, in the elite. She wanted to see a friendly, peaceful liaison between the two species - a peaceful coexistence. Freedom as opposed to slavery.
"We are brothers and sisters of Corvinus. Not one should have more power over the other." Was her unheard argument, though Lucian was privy to it. He was not sure he could agree exactly, as such an idea seemed impossible. But with someone like Sonja fighting for it, how could he not believe?
He would believe anything she said, he would follow her to the death. He loved her more fiercely and passionately than any being on the planet. However, he was not even sure if she knew. He kept it to himself, so quietly, so secretly. If she knew…
The idea of a union between them was madness, another impossibility…
But still - Sonja the carefree, Sonja the learned, Sonja the activist - he loved all facets of her. At this moment she was more the carefree. The child who struggle against his strength to catch a peek at his notepad.
But she stopped fighting now, pondering over his question, a mischievous look crossing her features, "What do you want in return?"
"Um…well…" Now he pondered what to ask for. It had been a mere jest but now…
"What would you like, hmm?" Her voice couldn't be that suggestive. Could it? She wouldn't…
Impossible…
"How about…a kiss?" she ventured, one finger twirling a light strand of hair, eyes cast downwards bashfully, upper lip curled up just so.
"Um…uh…" Lucian usually considered himself a well-spoken man. At this moment, he was not that man.
"Let me see the sketch pad," she said, voice firm, eyes narrowed slightly in determination.
He resigned the pad to her open hand without a thought.
She looked down at the sketch of herself. So lovingly each stroke had been made - lead pencil on paper perfectly outlining each part of her. It was like looking into a mirror. He had captured her so well. She wished fresh blood was in her veins so she could have blushed, "This is…so beautiful. She can't be me and yet…she looks so much like me…but - but so beautiful?"
Her voice was wavered but her words brought power to his veins, enflaming them as he said passionately, "You are beautiful, Sonja. And that's what I drew. You. Beautiful."
She looked at him, eyes coated in a light sheen of tears, glistening, "No one's ever…"
He scoffed, voice dry, "You can't expect me to believe-"
"No, they've - said it but...never have I believed…never has it meant-"
"Sonja."
"Lucian, I…I think I owe you, hmm? A kiss?" her bottom lip was trembling as she edged forward towards him. He was so warm in comparison to herself, he gave off heat and she could feel it. She wanted to absorb it, warm herself up in it. In him.
"Sonja." He breathed the name again. The person who carried it was the center of everything right now, like a black hole drawing him into its focal point, the only center. His universe.
"I - I've never…I mean I have, but never…" she could only gasp the words out as her breath joined his, she was so close. When he breathed out she breathed in, they were fluid, together and yet weren't even touching. In seconds the connection would be made complete.
His hands rose up, gently resting on her back, lightly, barely touching, drawing her closer, deeper into the circle of his arms. Then her mouth was on his, touching, brushing so gently. Lip against lip, noses bumping awkwardly. She let out a little puff, a smile playing about her mouth in her embarrassment, the want to blush again upon her.
Instead she tilted her head properly and placed her mouth over top his again. See? Not so hard. Or was it? They were connected now, kissing. But not really kissing. Right now it was just flesh on flesh but then his jaw dropped just enough, mouth opening.
She gasped slightly, copying him and their lips tangled, wet and closing on each other. He drew on her bottom lip, almost close to sucking, and he knew all thoughts had been stopped - his brain having exploded, heart liquidating with his stomach to pool at his feet. Blood was surging to one spot but he didn't even feel that. He wasn't even sure if he was still breathing. The rush of blood in his veins pounding overpoweringly and all attention on his mouth and hers, on their meeting and caressing so.
A tiny noise, something akin to a mewl, eased out of her aching lungs - her body suffering from the same maladies as his own, her fingers rising to thread through that long mane of hair she'd always admired. She realized she had closed her eyes on impact of their mouths and for now all she could do was feel the lustrous strands of dark hair run between her fingers.
A sigh left her, a way to calm herself, as she drew back slightly, head tilting to the other side, thinking this would be better. Maybe the kiss would be deeper this way, make the connection smoother.
Somehow, of its own accord, his tongue eased out, wetting her top lip. Another gasp, then what he thought he'd never hear. A threadbare moan. He responded, a groan tumbling out of him as he felt control seize him, a power unlike any he'd ever known, as his fingers splayed on her back, hands more sure as he drew her as close as he dared, lips securing over hers, tongue stoking inside the moist cavern of her mouth.
Another moan, followed by her fingers tightening in his hair, her own tongue meeting his tentatively. He thought he'd roll over and die right there at the exquisiteness of it but instead he merely played his tongue along hers, answering as they began to kiss completely, fully.
Her eyes dared to ease open and she could see his loving face so close to her, see her hands in his hair - pale against the dark and his facial hair was so soft against her smooth skin, tantalizing it, making it so sensitive.
Then he drew back from her and she from him. The first thing she noticed was his sketchpad tossed carelessly to the side, laying on the cold floor. Thoughts of kissing him had caused it to slip from between her fingers.
A wash of upset spilled through her. She should not have dropped it, she should pick it up. But she was in his arms right now and his hands were on his back, she could feel each fingertip.
Instead she cuddled closer to him and he responded by tucking her in, head resting on the top of her scalp. His eyes still closed in bliss, "Sonja."
"That was…Lucian…"
He could not speak again, still too lost in wave after wave of joy. After all this time, after all this wanting…he had kissed her. He had kissed her and it had been more than he had ever imagined.
Suddenly a shaky giggle left her and she murmured, "Your beard…it was fuzzy…I had not expected that."
The comment was so absurd and unexpected that he chuckled, eyes finally easing open, "You did not enjoy it?"
"Oh no," she burrowed in deeper, smelling in the wonderful scent of him, face against his strong, broad chest, speaking into it, "No. It was fantastic. I loved it."
"Good, good." He breathed, and held her tighter, arms gripped around her firmly. Chin moving marginally from left to right so he could feel the silkiness of her hair against his face.
He spied the art pad to one side and silently thanked it for this.
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Lucian's eyes opened and he felt frozen. Had he merely remembered or had he dozed? Had that been their first kiss? He could not remember clearly. There had been so many kisses…all gone now, none every again…
What he wouldn't give to trade places with her. To have saved her life, why had Viktor not simply killed him? But then he would never punish her to this. Not to the life he lived. He would spare her from living on without him as he had to do without her. How would things had been if she had been the one to….
He could not bear to think of it. He supposed in some ways he was as foolish as the mortals. He much preferred envisioning Sonja in some clandestine paradise. Let her be happy. Let her be in the warmth…finally, in the light…
Lucian sighed and rose to his feet. He would deal with the cold, with the unfairness of a life without her. It was trying at times, she seemed forever away but he would endure. He would see his dream, her dream, accomplished. He would find away to link the species together.
There would be some form of peace.
Even if, without her, he would always be at unrest. Angry. A shot resounded then and he ducked, rolling to one side as a chunk of the Loeb's tombstone exploded into dust. He hid behind a large stone statue, confused and sniffed the air, his ears picking up a hiss.
Vampires.
He chuckled darkly and felt the beast inside calling again and he did not ignore it. He gave over to the change, howling into the night for Raze, now relieved he was close. Vampires attacking him here. Good. He was in the mood for a fight.
Gone Away Lyrics
Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away