Chapter Two: The Blue-Eyed Devil
"What have I gotten myself into?" I said on my way back to the Kokiri Forest. I had a feeling that I had signed up for the impossible mission, and what's worse I got this nagging-ass fairy telling every five minutes to look, watch out, hey, or listen to something that was insipidly obvious, such as how to open a door or what a sign said that I could clearly read myself.
I got back to the forest, or as far as I could go because that dumb ass walking poster boy for halitosis stopped me "What happened back there to the tree?"
"Nunya bidness, now let me pass!"
"Did he die?"
"Yeah, and?"
"It's all your fault!!! You went out there and killed him!!! How could you?!?"
I started to tell him what really happened, but I was getting dizzy from all the fumes coming from his mouth. He started to walk away anyway so I just let him believe what he wanted to. He wasn't anyone important anyway.
I was running out of the Kokiri forest when a voice stopped me "So, you're leaving?"
"Got to, got some things that I have to take care of." I said without turning around. I recognized the voice as Saria's and I didn't want to give her any eye contact. She might take that as me wanting to stay and be with her.
" I always knew you would leave the forest someday, because you're not like me and everyone else around here. But that's okay, it's your differences that I love so much. Well, I've got something for you," I turned around, and she handed me an Ocarina. "It may come in handy on your travels."
"Yeah, I'm really going to need this in case of danger," I said sarcastically. "I can play my enemies to sleep,"
"Just take it, stupid ass. Besides you can remember me every time you play it." I rolled my eyes, but I had my head down so she couldn't see. "Make me one promise before you leave. Link."
"What's that?"
"Promise you'll come back and see me again."
I knew I'd be back someday, but I didn't want to get her hopes of on what I would be coming back for. So, instead of answering her, I ran.
After crossing a big field I got to Hyrule Castle Market. It was a bustling place where you could buy lots of things, including the best weed I'd ever smelled. I was tempted to stop and get a dime, but I didn't know what type of person this Princess Zelda would be. So I promised myself that I would get some on my way back to the forest. I figured the visit with the Princess wouldn't be long anyway. I saw the castle off in the distance and started off that way when a cute girl stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Hi! You must not be from around here. Your clothes are different."
"What, you ain't never heard of KorikiWear? All the folks in the forest are wearing this."
"Oh, so you're from the forest? I'm Malon of Lon Lon ranch."
"Hey sweetie, I'm Link. I have to go to the castle and I would love some company as pretty as you to join me."
She giggled. "I would, but I can't. My dad went to the castle to deliver some milk, and I was supposed to wait here for him to get back. He'd be sore at me if I left. It has been a long time though, I wonder what's taking him so long?"
I didn't want to have to deal with any fathers today, so I started up the trail to the castle. "Alright, cutie, but if you change your mind, you know the way to the castle." I ran off.
Once I got to the top of the trail, I saw that getting to the castle wouldn't be as easy as I thought. There was a gate blocking the rest of the way to the castle. It wouldn't be too much of a problem. I saw a vine on the cliff a little way back that I could climb up. I did that, and jumped down on the other side of the gate. I started again up the trail, but not too far before the castle guards caught me and threw me back over the gate. I got up, and dusted myself off only to see Malon standing over me. "You ok, Link?"
"Yeah, the only thing hurt is my pride. Thought you had to wait for your pops?"
"Yeah, but I was getting worried. Look, could you do me a favor?" She batted her big eyes at me, my biggest weakness.
"Anything, sweetie."
"I want you to look for my father, his lazy ass probably fell asleep somewhere around the castle. I'll give you this egg that I've been incubating very carefully if you agree to."
"Sure, why not? Anything for a pretty lady." I took the egg and climbed up the vine again. Once I got up there I looked at the egg again. "What in the blue hell am I going to do with this?!?" I figured there was no time to worry about that. The sun was getting ready to rise and I needed to get to the princess so I could get home. I pocketed the egg and looked around. There were a few guards, but with some careful running I could get past them all. So I ran, hiding behind trees and basically avoiding the sight of the guards. I got to the castle just as the sun was coming over the horizon. Just then something started shaking in my pocket. I looked inside and instead of the egg I put in there, there was... a chicken? I guess it hatched in the time that it took me to get up here. Well, I guess it would make good eating once I get home. Now, I was up at the castle, but thanks to the guards the front door was out of the question. I swam around the moat to the side of the castle. I knew that the water from the moat had to come from somewhere, and sure enough there was a drain just big enough for me to crawl into. There was just one problem. It was up high on the castle wall and I couldn't climb it. I climbed up to the sidewalk to see if there was anything on it to help me get up there. Just then I heard snoring. I looked around and saw a man sleeping on the sidewalk next to a couple of boxes. I could push the boxes down to the lower sidewalk to help me jump over to the drain, but that man was in the way. I had to wake him up. I shook him a couple of times, and yelled in his ear, but nothing worked. Just then I had an idea. I had a chicken in my pocket, and chickens crow. I took it out and sure enough, it crowed loud enough to wake the lazy bum sleeping in the way of progress.
"Can't a guy get a little shut eye around here?"
"Why don't you go home and get some sleep if you're tired?" I said.
"Hello? And who might you be?"
"Well, I might be Santa Claus, but I ain't, who are you?"
"I'm Talon of Lon-Lon Ranch."
This was that girls father that I was supposed to be looking for! Good, I'd killed two birds with one stone. "You know your daughter is out there looking for you? She's been waiting for you in the market overnight and..."
"You say Malon's looking for me?!? I messed up, leaving her alone like that. I'm lucky that children's services isn't on my ass. She's gonna let me have it when she sees me. Aaaah!!!" He ran off to his daughter.
Well, one task down, one to go. I pushed the boxes down so I could use them to get in the drain, hopped them , them and entered.
*Sigh* More guards. I figured they wouldn't be too much trouble if they didn't see me, so I snuck past the lot of them, and entered the castle's garden.
Upon entering. I saw a little girl peering in the window across the garden. I assumed this was the princess that I needed to see, so I ran up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, suprised.
"Huh? Who are you?"
I've got to get a name tag or something, I'm tired of everyone asking me that question. Just as I was about to answer, she continued "How did you get past the guards?"
"Walked. Anything else you need to know?"
"Wait, is that... is that a fairy?"
"No, it's an annoyance, you can have her if you want" I don't know why, but somehow, she looked familiar to me. I shook it off and let her continue.
"Then you must be, from the forest."
"Wow, two for two, you are very smart, for a girl."
"Do you have it?"
"Naw I don't have it!!! I strap up everytime I dive into the skinz... oh, you're not talking about that, what are you talking about?"
"Do you have... that green and shining jewel? I dreamt about dark clouds covering the horizon, but then from the forest comes a shining light, and in that light was a boy with a fairy carrying the Kokiri emerald. Do you have it?"
"Uhh, yeah, I came here to give it to the princess so if you can tell..."
"I knew it, you are the boy from my dream!!! Oh, I've gotten so carried away I haven't even introduced myself. I am Princess Zelda of Hyrule."
"I kinda guessed, well, if you can take this emerald off my hands I can be on my way..."
"You can't leave yet, there is more of the story you need to know." She batted her big blue eyes that I could have sworn that I've seen before. But I was hooked anyway, so I sat down so she could tell me the story. She told me that this was one of three stone that open the realm that holds the Triforce, the power orb of the land that will grant the wish of anyone who holds it. If someone with a good heart wishes upon it, it will lead Hyrule into a golden age of prosperity, if someone with an evil heart wishes upon it, it will send Hyrule into darkness. But the only things needed were the jewels and the Ocarina of Time to get to the Triforce.
"Okay, that's all fine and dandy, but what does all this have to do with me?"
"We'll get to that, first I need you to look in the window here." I looked in. "See the dark man there? I believe he is the one trying to get the jewels." Sure enough, a man walked up and bowed in front of the King, a man who looked familiar as well. " He says he is here to help my father, but I know he's lying. What I want to do is get the jewels and hide them. That way he can't get to them with his two-faced ass."
"Fine, good luck on getting those jewels." I started to walk off.
"You don't understand. I need you to get those jewels for me. I can't leave the castle."
"Can't your father have someone in his court to do it?"
"I told him about my dreams and what is to happen, but he didn't believe me. You have to help or Hyrule and the rest of the world will fall into peril!!!"
"What's in it for me?"
"Well," she batted her eyes and got a little closer. "I could give you this." She kissed me full on the lips, passionately. "Only better, and a whole lot more naked."
"Guh-huh-huh, okay." So I agreed. But she was a cutie and I already told you that I was a sucker for eye-batting, and she gave me a hard-on just from that kiss.
"My attendant will show you the way out. Come back here as soon as possible with the other two stones and I will keep the Ocarina of Time safe."
I nodded sheepishly and walked off towards the way I came in. I saw a tall lady dressed in black and damned if she didn't look familiar too. "Once I am finished I have got to get checked out by a psychiatrist about all this deja-vu that I'm having," I thought to myself.
She looked down at me as though she was scanning my thoughts "My role in the Princess' dream was to teach the boy from the forest a song that will help him on his journey. You are he, correct?"
"Naw, I'm LeRoy Jones."
"Take out your ocarina," she said, sounding exasperated. She whistled a song and I played it back for her on the ocarina. "The guards will lock you up if they see you leaving, let me take you out of the castle.
We went back to the entrance of Hyrule market and she pointed east of the castle. "Your journey begins there, That is Death Mountain. The next jewel you need, the Goron Ruby, will be there. You might want to stop in the village at the foot of the mountain before you climb it, Kakariko Village. That is where I was born."
"Whoop-de-doo. Why do I want to stop there?"
"Cuz there are things there that you will need on your journey, you nitwit. Just do as I say and come back to the castle as soon as possible, you little snot."
She stepped back and threw something like those poppers that you get on the Fourth of July. When the smoke cleared, she was gone.
"
"What have I gotten myself into?" I said on my way back to the Kokiri Forest. I had a feeling that I had signed up for the impossible mission, and what's worse I got this nagging-ass fairy telling every five minutes to look, watch out, hey, or listen to something that was insipidly obvious, such as how to open a door or what a sign said that I could clearly read myself.
I got back to the forest, or as far as I could go because that dumb ass walking poster boy for halitosis stopped me "What happened back there to the tree?"
"Nunya bidness, now let me pass!"
"Did he die?"
"Yeah, and?"
"It's all your fault!!! You went out there and killed him!!! How could you?!?"
I started to tell him what really happened, but I was getting dizzy from all the fumes coming from his mouth. He started to walk away anyway so I just let him believe what he wanted to. He wasn't anyone important anyway.
I was running out of the Kokiri forest when a voice stopped me "So, you're leaving?"
"Got to, got some things that I have to take care of." I said without turning around. I recognized the voice as Saria's and I didn't want to give her any eye contact. She might take that as me wanting to stay and be with her.
" I always knew you would leave the forest someday, because you're not like me and everyone else around here. But that's okay, it's your differences that I love so much. Well, I've got something for you," I turned around, and she handed me an Ocarina. "It may come in handy on your travels."
"Yeah, I'm really going to need this in case of danger," I said sarcastically. "I can play my enemies to sleep,"
"Just take it, stupid ass. Besides you can remember me every time you play it." I rolled my eyes, but I had my head down so she couldn't see. "Make me one promise before you leave. Link."
"What's that?"
"Promise you'll come back and see me again."
I knew I'd be back someday, but I didn't want to get her hopes of on what I would be coming back for. So, instead of answering her, I ran.
After crossing a big field I got to Hyrule Castle Market. It was a bustling place where you could buy lots of things, including the best weed I'd ever smelled. I was tempted to stop and get a dime, but I didn't know what type of person this Princess Zelda would be. So I promised myself that I would get some on my way back to the forest. I figured the visit with the Princess wouldn't be long anyway. I saw the castle off in the distance and started off that way when a cute girl stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Hi! You must not be from around here. Your clothes are different."
"What, you ain't never heard of KorikiWear? All the folks in the forest are wearing this."
"Oh, so you're from the forest? I'm Malon of Lon Lon ranch."
"Hey sweetie, I'm Link. I have to go to the castle and I would love some company as pretty as you to join me."
She giggled. "I would, but I can't. My dad went to the castle to deliver some milk, and I was supposed to wait here for him to get back. He'd be sore at me if I left. It has been a long time though, I wonder what's taking him so long?"
I didn't want to have to deal with any fathers today, so I started up the trail to the castle. "Alright, cutie, but if you change your mind, you know the way to the castle." I ran off.
Once I got to the top of the trail, I saw that getting to the castle wouldn't be as easy as I thought. There was a gate blocking the rest of the way to the castle. It wouldn't be too much of a problem. I saw a vine on the cliff a little way back that I could climb up. I did that, and jumped down on the other side of the gate. I started again up the trail, but not too far before the castle guards caught me and threw me back over the gate. I got up, and dusted myself off only to see Malon standing over me. "You ok, Link?"
"Yeah, the only thing hurt is my pride. Thought you had to wait for your pops?"
"Yeah, but I was getting worried. Look, could you do me a favor?" She batted her big eyes at me, my biggest weakness.
"Anything, sweetie."
"I want you to look for my father, his lazy ass probably fell asleep somewhere around the castle. I'll give you this egg that I've been incubating very carefully if you agree to."
"Sure, why not? Anything for a pretty lady." I took the egg and climbed up the vine again. Once I got up there I looked at the egg again. "What in the blue hell am I going to do with this?!?" I figured there was no time to worry about that. The sun was getting ready to rise and I needed to get to the princess so I could get home. I pocketed the egg and looked around. There were a few guards, but with some careful running I could get past them all. So I ran, hiding behind trees and basically avoiding the sight of the guards. I got to the castle just as the sun was coming over the horizon. Just then something started shaking in my pocket. I looked inside and instead of the egg I put in there, there was... a chicken? I guess it hatched in the time that it took me to get up here. Well, I guess it would make good eating once I get home. Now, I was up at the castle, but thanks to the guards the front door was out of the question. I swam around the moat to the side of the castle. I knew that the water from the moat had to come from somewhere, and sure enough there was a drain just big enough for me to crawl into. There was just one problem. It was up high on the castle wall and I couldn't climb it. I climbed up to the sidewalk to see if there was anything on it to help me get up there. Just then I heard snoring. I looked around and saw a man sleeping on the sidewalk next to a couple of boxes. I could push the boxes down to the lower sidewalk to help me jump over to the drain, but that man was in the way. I had to wake him up. I shook him a couple of times, and yelled in his ear, but nothing worked. Just then I had an idea. I had a chicken in my pocket, and chickens crow. I took it out and sure enough, it crowed loud enough to wake the lazy bum sleeping in the way of progress.
"Can't a guy get a little shut eye around here?"
"Why don't you go home and get some sleep if you're tired?" I said.
"Hello? And who might you be?"
"Well, I might be Santa Claus, but I ain't, who are you?"
"I'm Talon of Lon-Lon Ranch."
This was that girls father that I was supposed to be looking for! Good, I'd killed two birds with one stone. "You know your daughter is out there looking for you? She's been waiting for you in the market overnight and..."
"You say Malon's looking for me?!? I messed up, leaving her alone like that. I'm lucky that children's services isn't on my ass. She's gonna let me have it when she sees me. Aaaah!!!" He ran off to his daughter.
Well, one task down, one to go. I pushed the boxes down so I could use them to get in the drain, hopped them , them and entered.
*Sigh* More guards. I figured they wouldn't be too much trouble if they didn't see me, so I snuck past the lot of them, and entered the castle's garden.
Upon entering. I saw a little girl peering in the window across the garden. I assumed this was the princess that I needed to see, so I ran up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, suprised.
"Huh? Who are you?"
I've got to get a name tag or something, I'm tired of everyone asking me that question. Just as I was about to answer, she continued "How did you get past the guards?"
"Walked. Anything else you need to know?"
"Wait, is that... is that a fairy?"
"No, it's an annoyance, you can have her if you want" I don't know why, but somehow, she looked familiar to me. I shook it off and let her continue.
"Then you must be, from the forest."
"Wow, two for two, you are very smart, for a girl."
"Do you have it?"
"Naw I don't have it!!! I strap up everytime I dive into the skinz... oh, you're not talking about that, what are you talking about?"
"Do you have... that green and shining jewel? I dreamt about dark clouds covering the horizon, but then from the forest comes a shining light, and in that light was a boy with a fairy carrying the Kokiri emerald. Do you have it?"
"Uhh, yeah, I came here to give it to the princess so if you can tell..."
"I knew it, you are the boy from my dream!!! Oh, I've gotten so carried away I haven't even introduced myself. I am Princess Zelda of Hyrule."
"I kinda guessed, well, if you can take this emerald off my hands I can be on my way..."
"You can't leave yet, there is more of the story you need to know." She batted her big blue eyes that I could have sworn that I've seen before. But I was hooked anyway, so I sat down so she could tell me the story. She told me that this was one of three stone that open the realm that holds the Triforce, the power orb of the land that will grant the wish of anyone who holds it. If someone with a good heart wishes upon it, it will lead Hyrule into a golden age of prosperity, if someone with an evil heart wishes upon it, it will send Hyrule into darkness. But the only things needed were the jewels and the Ocarina of Time to get to the Triforce.
"Okay, that's all fine and dandy, but what does all this have to do with me?"
"We'll get to that, first I need you to look in the window here." I looked in. "See the dark man there? I believe he is the one trying to get the jewels." Sure enough, a man walked up and bowed in front of the King, a man who looked familiar as well. " He says he is here to help my father, but I know he's lying. What I want to do is get the jewels and hide them. That way he can't get to them with his two-faced ass."
"Fine, good luck on getting those jewels." I started to walk off.
"You don't understand. I need you to get those jewels for me. I can't leave the castle."
"Can't your father have someone in his court to do it?"
"I told him about my dreams and what is to happen, but he didn't believe me. You have to help or Hyrule and the rest of the world will fall into peril!!!"
"What's in it for me?"
"Well," she batted her eyes and got a little closer. "I could give you this." She kissed me full on the lips, passionately. "Only better, and a whole lot more naked."
"Guh-huh-huh, okay." So I agreed. But she was a cutie and I already told you that I was a sucker for eye-batting, and she gave me a hard-on just from that kiss.
"My attendant will show you the way out. Come back here as soon as possible with the other two stones and I will keep the Ocarina of Time safe."
I nodded sheepishly and walked off towards the way I came in. I saw a tall lady dressed in black and damned if she didn't look familiar too. "Once I am finished I have got to get checked out by a psychiatrist about all this deja-vu that I'm having," I thought to myself.
She looked down at me as though she was scanning my thoughts "My role in the Princess' dream was to teach the boy from the forest a song that will help him on his journey. You are he, correct?"
"Naw, I'm LeRoy Jones."
"Take out your ocarina," she said, sounding exasperated. She whistled a song and I played it back for her on the ocarina. "The guards will lock you up if they see you leaving, let me take you out of the castle.
We went back to the entrance of Hyrule market and she pointed east of the castle. "Your journey begins there, That is Death Mountain. The next jewel you need, the Goron Ruby, will be there. You might want to stop in the village at the foot of the mountain before you climb it, Kakariko Village. That is where I was born."
"Whoop-de-doo. Why do I want to stop there?"
"Cuz there are things there that you will need on your journey, you nitwit. Just do as I say and come back to the castle as soon as possible, you little snot."
She stepped back and threw something like those poppers that you get on the Fourth of July. When the smoke cleared, she was gone.
"