Disclaimer: All you recognize is JKR's. I, sadly, do not own Severus. I couldn't care less about not owning Lily. Don't mind, me- I'm just jealous.
A/N: God, it's been quite some time, hasn't it? I apologize for taking so long to update. Strange, just when I do decide to update, it is when I have to write a final paper for a philosophy course I took this summer. I really have to go and work, now. Enjoy this chapter, it is very intense and occasionally sappy but I loved writing it. Not beta-ed, I couldn't wait to post this. I just hope that there aren't too many mistakes.
Feel free to review and tell me that is sucked. (Or even better, tell me you liked it!!)
The Farewell
By Coesius
Chapter-4
His face was cold and closed, a visage carved into granite, and he stood there frighteningly still, burning a hole through her forehead with his intense obsidian gaze.
"Aren't you going to let me in?" she asked, her voice a pained whisper. Her green eyes were wide and held a sorrow in them that broke his heart. No, he had to be strong.
He stepped aside and opened the door wider to let her in. She walked inside with small hesitant steps. There was no light lit inside; only the grayish glow of the sky before rain, which gave the sparsely furnished living room an eerie white sheen. She stood beside the sofa before the large windows. The flat had a strange desolate look; no pictures on the walls, nothing decorative, nothing personal. Just the basic needs, enough to make it practical. She shuddered.
"Nice house," she said. "Dark and dreary." Not a great way to start a conversation, but anything was better than that silence chilling her to the core.
"I hardly think you came here to criticize my decoration skills," he answered coldly.
"No, you are right, I didn't." she said. Now that she was here, she couldn't find anything to say.
"Then why are you here?" he said, his eyes hard and his voice as devoid of emotion as ever. There he was, standing by the door, as if waiting to throw her out any moment. His arms were crossed and his back painfully straight. She sighed. Now that he had asked, she realized that she didn't know either.
"I honestly don't know," she said, looking up at him with desperation in her eyes. But he didn't move an inch; he just kept on staring right through her. "I talked with Albus after… you know. Well, he told me… how you had come back to the Light and that you were working with us now." she said, hesitating at each word. "And I just…" she shrugged.
"Oh, so that's why you are here. To brag about how you had been right. To say that you had told me so. And give me a pat on the back while you are at it." he said, all pretense of indifference and composure now gone. " 'Good job, Severus. I am proud of you- I knew you could do it', " he mimicked her voice. While talking, he had taken a step closer to her, making wild gestures with his arms and his face twisted in rage.
"No!" she cried in horror. "You are being unfair, you know that is not why I am here!"
"Then why are you here?" he shouted. "What the hell do you want from me?" He had totally lost control now. He wanted her to go, to go away and not bother him. He couldn't afford to see her anymore; he couldn't afford to remember how much he… No! This was not happening! He walked towards the window, looking at the city outside. He waited for his breathing to slow down. He had to calm down.
"I… I didn't think. I just had to come here, had to see you after I talked with Albus." she said, her voice again down to a strangled whisper. He turned away from the window and their eyes locked across the room. The tension in the room was worse than ever and she sighed. "I missed you, Severus."
"And that solves everything, doesn't it? You missed me? Ha! That's rich! You missed me. What do expect me to do now? Take you in my arms and confess my undying love for you?" he burst out. She would not fool him again. "The boy you knew is no more, Lily. He is dead. I have seen so much, done so many unspeakable things…" he paused, his throat constricting. "Me coming back means nothing. You won't find what you are looking for here."
"You are still so blind Severus. The same blindness that led you to Him still binds you."
"Do not presume to know what led me to Him! You don't know anything about me!"
"No. No- you didn't let me, did you? But I still know you better than you think Severus. I say you are blind and that's what you are. You look into the mirror and all you think is how you're not worthy! Just like you did when we were together. You spoke of love and never really understood what you were saying, what love entailed," she stopped to draw in a breath and then continued, her voice rising.
"I loved you Severus, with all your faults and your pettiness at times. I loved you and you drove me away. I would have been there for you, if you had just gotten your head out of the sand and had reached out. But you don't do that, do you? Now you think the boy I loved is dead. Strange, because I seem to be looking at him right now," she looked at him with such feeling that he felt like he was drowning. He opened his mouth to object; she couldn't thrust aside those years with the Death Eaters like that. But beating him to it, she went on, "I don't deny that you have gone through a lot, God knows so have I. But I look at your eyes and no matter what you say; it is my Severus that stares back at me. I loved you Severus, you just never understood how much."
That took all the angry energy away from him. He seemed deflated and lost as he walked over to the sofa and sat down. She softly sat down on the other end of the sofa and pulled up her knees, hugging them.
"I just never felt worthy. I doubt I ever will," he whispered. She was fooling herself; he knew it and he was being fooled with her. She could not accept him like this. "But do not doubt my love."
"It wasn't enough, was it?" she replied, refusing to look at him.
"On the contrary," he said, catching her eyes and holding them. It angered him that she would think of his love like that. His love was all he had that meant something, the only thing that could redeem him. "I was branded, the summer after the sixth year. They would have killed you. I couldn't draw you into it." he confessed. "I killed that summer, Lily. I couldn't touch you with those hands."
She had nothing to say. She didn't understand. But how could she ask why? Where was the point? A few hours, even minutes, ago she would have given anything to know, but now she felt like it just didn't matter anymore. The answer wouldn't change anything. He was sitting next to her and that was what mattered.
"Potter?" he said, interrupting her thoughts. She looked at him with confusion but then saw that his gaze was on her wedding ring.
"Yes." She sighed, "He supported me a lot after you left. He was very patient and loving. He became a large part of my life, to the point that I grew very fond of him and realized how much I needed him."
Severus didn't want to hear this. He could have cheerfully strangled Potter at that moment. He hated him more than ever, seeing the look in Lily's eyes. And he hated himself even more. He had no right to be jealous. It was his fault, all his fault. "I'm… glad, someone was… there for you," he forced out.
His breath hitched when Lily reached out and took his hand in hers. "I wish I could love him like he loves me," she said, her eyes seeming too big for her face. Finally saying out loud the thought that had plagued her ever since she had uttered her wedding vows.
"You don't… love him?" he asked, shamelessly hopeful.
"I would not have stayed here this long if I did, Severus. I would have been happy for you because you came back and that would have been it," she answered. "Don't mistake me, he means a lot to me. But…" she paused and then sighed. "Severus."
He couldn't take it anymore. This was a dream; was she saying what he thought she was saying? Months, years of keeping himself in check, schooling every reaction, wearing all those masks; all that tension and all the despair, it just seemed to burst inside of him at that moment. There was no coherent thought except one name that he kept whispering like a mantra in his head. "Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily…"
Skin met skin and she was in his arms. She was lost; there was nothing but him, and only him at that moment. Together. He carried her to his bedroom; buttons, there were too many buttons. He could feel her; she was for real. He was drunk on her scent; he wanted to hold her until there was no her and him but only them, together as one. For that moment alone, he would live a thousand lifetimes in hell, in torment. He felt worthy; he felt her love. She looked at him, strands of her red hair stuck to her forehead and neck with their sweat.
She looked at him and said, "Remember us, Severus. Remember us like this; in love and as one." She was crying; he kissed her tears away, not realizing that he was crying, too.
A/N: This isn't the end; there is one more chapter to go. Yes, it is sappy, and yes, there is no real smut to make up for it. It seems to me that I am writing this for myself, more than for posting it online. This is just the way this story is coming out; I can't seem to edit it to be less intense. I just hope you like it.
Please review and let me know what you think.