-Buffy-
I'm jittery. I can't go to sleep. It still feels like he's out there. It could just be residual butterflies from that kiss. Oh God, why did I go kiss him? I'd almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like, ok so I hadn't but I'd almost managed to convince my self that I'd almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like. I've just got to get out of here, get some air and walk it off. Please, please, please let there be a vamp or two, or a whole horde, out tonight.
I head to Restfield cemetery. I haven't patrolled there in a couple of days and it's bound to have something worth hunting, or at least that's my fondest wish. I can't make the tingles go away, it's like the very air is charged with magic. I roll my shoulders and keep walking through the rows of headstones and crypts. I know I'm not being as stealthy as usual. I want to do cartwheels when I see a vamp leap the ornate wrought iron fence and amble toward a crypt.
I do a back handspring and land in front of him. "Sorry, I'm really off my game tonight. Ex came into town and you know how that can just completely throw everything off." Like I said, I'm really off my game tonight. Seeing Angel threw me.
"I could always use a midnight snack." Fang boy says.
I block a right hook and catch him in the chin with an uppercut. He stumbles back. I'm not entirely sure he knows who I am. I think he expected an easy kill. I'm really going to have to talk to my PR person. I catch him in the chest with a side kick. He falls to the ground. For Pete's sake, I know I wasn't specific when I wished for vamps but this guy isn't even enough to get my mind off homework much less Angel. And just exactly who is Pete, I think as I pummel the vamp hook, jab, duck, sidekick, roundhouse. I mean he had to be someone important to have an entire saying made up about him. I think I went to high school with a Pete. Dodge, roundhouse, pop, shake it off, elbow to the ribs, flip the vamp over my head, stake to the heart. I totally went to school with a Pete. He was the Jekyll and Hyde guy. I killed him, or rather Angel did. And so things come back full circle to Angel.
I hop up on top of a tall headstone and perch there, my feet swinging. Riley is a good guy. Any girl with half a brain would want him. I mean he's a complete hottie, he's a sweet guy. He's normal in each and every sense of the word. But when I close my eyes I see marble pale skin and dark, soulful eyes. When Riley and I pass a mirror, a large pane of glass, I avert my eyes from our reflections. I avoid laying my head on Riley's chest. The thump thump there is so loud it hurts. I hate snuggling with him. His skin is hot and his breath is wet and all I want is to get away. I know I'm seriously screwed up. I jump off the headstone with a sigh.
"Is this a private brooding party, or can anyone join?" Angel says stepping out of the shadows.
"It's invitation only." I grumble. I can feel him turn to leave. "Angel, wait. Consider this your invitation. Sorry I'm a grumpy girl tonight."
He falls into step beside me. He's waiting me out. He knows if he's silent long enough I'll fess up and tell him what's going on. I used to play a game with myself, just to see how long I could hold out. It was never more then a few minutes. Most things haven't changed with time.
"I'm sorry, about earlier." I say.
"You are?" I see the look of hurt that crosses his eyes.
"It's-I just-it makes everything more confusing." I start and stop, trying to explain.
"Confusing?"
"Riley doesn't deserve this. He's a good guy. He's good to me. He loves me-"
"Buffy, I heard this in LA-"he starts saying.
"It's not his fault that you own me heart and soul." I finish
"I didn't want to-"he falls silent as I finish speaking.
There's a silence that falls over us. The tension is so thick you'd need a very sharp sword to cut it.
"I can't do this, Angel. I can't pretend to be happy anymore. I swear most days my face hurts from smiling all the time. I'm hurting an innocent, nice guy. I can't do normal. I'm not normal. I've had the picnics in the sun and you know what, I find myself wishing for moonlight. I've been made love to and I felt more loved when you were holding me both of us trembling from wanting each other so much. Being normal is killing me, Angel."
"What do you want, Buffy?" he asks me calmly.
"Did they amputate your brain in LA? I thought I just told you what I wanted." God he is obviously the stupidest man on the planet.
"Buffy, nothing has changed. I can't give you anymore then I could when I left you last year." He says.
"And I didn't want anymore then you could give last year, Angel."
That thick silence envelopes us again. Mutually, silently we agree to walk back to my dorm room. We walk so close my shoulder brushes his arm but neither of us reach out to touch the other. We both know it would only take a touch, like embers to dry paper. We stop in front of the dorm hall. I turn to face him.
"Think about it, Buffy. Think about everything you'd be giving up."
"I have." My voice wavers a bit and I hate myself for it.
"Think about it some more. I'll be close by when you decide you want to talk." He leans toward me. I think he's going to kiss me. Please let him kiss me. He takes a step backwards. I can see what that step costs him in his eyes. He wants to give me time to think, time uncluttered by kisses and promises. He takes another step backwards. I watch him go.
"Angel, no matter what, I'm still your girl." I whisper
He smiles at me that special half smile reserved for me and me alone and I know he heard me.
I'm jittery. I can't go to sleep. It still feels like he's out there. It could just be residual butterflies from that kiss. Oh God, why did I go kiss him? I'd almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like, ok so I hadn't but I'd almost managed to convince my self that I'd almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like. I've just got to get out of here, get some air and walk it off. Please, please, please let there be a vamp or two, or a whole horde, out tonight.
I head to Restfield cemetery. I haven't patrolled there in a couple of days and it's bound to have something worth hunting, or at least that's my fondest wish. I can't make the tingles go away, it's like the very air is charged with magic. I roll my shoulders and keep walking through the rows of headstones and crypts. I know I'm not being as stealthy as usual. I want to do cartwheels when I see a vamp leap the ornate wrought iron fence and amble toward a crypt.
I do a back handspring and land in front of him. "Sorry, I'm really off my game tonight. Ex came into town and you know how that can just completely throw everything off." Like I said, I'm really off my game tonight. Seeing Angel threw me.
"I could always use a midnight snack." Fang boy says.
I block a right hook and catch him in the chin with an uppercut. He stumbles back. I'm not entirely sure he knows who I am. I think he expected an easy kill. I'm really going to have to talk to my PR person. I catch him in the chest with a side kick. He falls to the ground. For Pete's sake, I know I wasn't specific when I wished for vamps but this guy isn't even enough to get my mind off homework much less Angel. And just exactly who is Pete, I think as I pummel the vamp hook, jab, duck, sidekick, roundhouse. I mean he had to be someone important to have an entire saying made up about him. I think I went to high school with a Pete. Dodge, roundhouse, pop, shake it off, elbow to the ribs, flip the vamp over my head, stake to the heart. I totally went to school with a Pete. He was the Jekyll and Hyde guy. I killed him, or rather Angel did. And so things come back full circle to Angel.
I hop up on top of a tall headstone and perch there, my feet swinging. Riley is a good guy. Any girl with half a brain would want him. I mean he's a complete hottie, he's a sweet guy. He's normal in each and every sense of the word. But when I close my eyes I see marble pale skin and dark, soulful eyes. When Riley and I pass a mirror, a large pane of glass, I avert my eyes from our reflections. I avoid laying my head on Riley's chest. The thump thump there is so loud it hurts. I hate snuggling with him. His skin is hot and his breath is wet and all I want is to get away. I know I'm seriously screwed up. I jump off the headstone with a sigh.
"Is this a private brooding party, or can anyone join?" Angel says stepping out of the shadows.
"It's invitation only." I grumble. I can feel him turn to leave. "Angel, wait. Consider this your invitation. Sorry I'm a grumpy girl tonight."
He falls into step beside me. He's waiting me out. He knows if he's silent long enough I'll fess up and tell him what's going on. I used to play a game with myself, just to see how long I could hold out. It was never more then a few minutes. Most things haven't changed with time.
"I'm sorry, about earlier." I say.
"You are?" I see the look of hurt that crosses his eyes.
"It's-I just-it makes everything more confusing." I start and stop, trying to explain.
"Confusing?"
"Riley doesn't deserve this. He's a good guy. He's good to me. He loves me-"
"Buffy, I heard this in LA-"he starts saying.
"It's not his fault that you own me heart and soul." I finish
"I didn't want to-"he falls silent as I finish speaking.
There's a silence that falls over us. The tension is so thick you'd need a very sharp sword to cut it.
"I can't do this, Angel. I can't pretend to be happy anymore. I swear most days my face hurts from smiling all the time. I'm hurting an innocent, nice guy. I can't do normal. I'm not normal. I've had the picnics in the sun and you know what, I find myself wishing for moonlight. I've been made love to and I felt more loved when you were holding me both of us trembling from wanting each other so much. Being normal is killing me, Angel."
"What do you want, Buffy?" he asks me calmly.
"Did they amputate your brain in LA? I thought I just told you what I wanted." God he is obviously the stupidest man on the planet.
"Buffy, nothing has changed. I can't give you anymore then I could when I left you last year." He says.
"And I didn't want anymore then you could give last year, Angel."
That thick silence envelopes us again. Mutually, silently we agree to walk back to my dorm room. We walk so close my shoulder brushes his arm but neither of us reach out to touch the other. We both know it would only take a touch, like embers to dry paper. We stop in front of the dorm hall. I turn to face him.
"Think about it, Buffy. Think about everything you'd be giving up."
"I have." My voice wavers a bit and I hate myself for it.
"Think about it some more. I'll be close by when you decide you want to talk." He leans toward me. I think he's going to kiss me. Please let him kiss me. He takes a step backwards. I can see what that step costs him in his eyes. He wants to give me time to think, time uncluttered by kisses and promises. He takes another step backwards. I watch him go.
"Angel, no matter what, I'm still your girl." I whisper
He smiles at me that special half smile reserved for me and me alone and I know he heard me.