Author's Note: I'd like to thank my reviewers, both new and familiar. I'll be making an effort to make this less sad in the future, but we've got a few things to go through first. Please take a moment to leave a review if you read this chapter, I treasure every good word and use honest criticism to improve my style where I can. Thank you.
Anywhere But Here
"Wake up, Sakura-chan."
I curled tighter around my pillow. "That was yesterday. I don't have to get up today."
"You have to wake up some time."
I finally placed the voice through my sleep-hazed mind and sat up. "What time is it?" Eriol was standing in my room, looking at me with sadness in his eyes.
"It's two in the afternoon. You've had more than enough sleep now. Keroberus said you've been asleep since midnight--that's fourteen hours."
I thought about giving Kero-chan a lecture about who his current master is and where his current allegiance should lie, but the thought immediately came to me that Kero would just be worried. I sighed. "He's the one that let you in?"
Eriol's brow furrowed. He looked so concerned, like he was about to frown, but I've never seen him actually frown. "Sakura-chan, he came over to my house because he couldn't wake you. I'm sorry, but because of that I let myself in."
I rolled back over and stared at the wall for a while. I wasn't sleepy anymore, but I was still tired. I'd had dreams, so many dreams all night, and I'd woken up from them many times. "Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine. I'm just tired."
I felt the mattress dip behind me, then warm hands pressed against my shoulders and pulled me gently to a sitting position. I allowed myself to be guided by him, finding myself surrounded by his embrace. I pressed my head into his shoulder and held him tightly in return, feeling more like a lost child than I ever had when I had faced the many trials of capturing the cards. All those years ago, and ever since, Syaoran had been the one that supported me and held me and gave me his strength.
"Are you ready to talk about what really happened yet?"
I clamped my eyes tightly shut and shook my head. I couldn't even think about it. How could I talk about it? Somehow, Eriol understood. He just held me and stroked my hair, and eventually I felt silly sitting there with him comforting me when I couldn't even cry. It wasn't very productive if I couldn't cry, right? I sighed and pulled away.
"I saw him last night," I began softly. "I've never seen a ghost before, just felt them. It's scary to not see something and know it's still there, when you don't know what it is or what it wants to do, but this was Syaoran. Even though he was a ghost, even though I knew that, I wasn't scared. I just missed him. I wish I could see him again. I know he's around still, I know he's watching me, but I can't see these things on my own, despite the cards and the magic and everything. There are so many things I can't do."
I didn't want to say the last, but the words came out anyway. I think he understood.
"It takes a lot of energy for a spirit to appear to those who don't have the Sight," he said sadly.
"I know. I was scared to let anyone know about the magic before, but when things settled down I talked to Onii-chan about what he knew. I couldn't believe how much he had learned from all the ghosts he had seen before. I should have told him before, but he would have teased me--" I broke off with a shrug. It was all ancient history. "So, he told me about ghosts. Syaoran taught me other things. I still don't know everything, but I try..."
I lost my train of thoughts.
"Time never stands still," he said softly, looking into my eyes. "Even with magic, there are heartbeats and memories and somewhere, something is still measuring time."
I shuddered. I didn't want to think about time. I didn't really want to think about magic. I nodded. "I've noticed."
"Maybe it's too soon to say this, but you have to start thinking of the time that's passing. Life is going on around you, and people will worry about you if you've stuck yourself in a state of mind where time doesn't matter. I'll be very worried about you."
I looked at him questioningly, but he didn't say anything else. "I'll be okay, I'll survive. You don't need to worry about me." I tried to smile and reassure him.
It must have fallen flat.
He kept looking at me with those piercing blue eyes, and he finally frowned and stood. "Can you be ready to leave in five minutes?"
I nodded; confused but agreeable. He simply bowed and walked out of the room.
I wore something simple, just jeans and a pink shirt Tomoyo had made for me. I had no idea what Eriol had in mind, but he seemed to approve when he saw me. We were out the door in exactly five minutes, and I was surprised at how good it felt to be walking out in the sunshine. For a while it didn't matter where we went, as long as it wasn't in the house Syaoran and I had moved into together. Then we began walking familiar streets and a chill ran down my spine.
"We're going to the park?"
He nodded with a serious expression on his face. "I'm in the mood for a picnic. Kero, Spinel Sun, and Ruby Moon will join us there with the food, if that's okay with you."
I looked downward, staring at the sidewalk directly ahead. An occasional small crack would appear with a blade of grass or a stray weed, but it wasn't something one found often in Tomoeda. Just the occasional slight imperfection that reminded you that this was still the real world, and real things could happen.
I nodded. That was fine. The antics of the guardians would be a welcome distraction, even if I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for so much enthusiasm right now. Four days. I'd been a widow for four days. My stomach clenched and I was certain I wouldn't be able to eat a bite. Then I remembered his smile last night as he told me to live on without him.
"Yeah. A picnic sounds fine." I smiled weakly over at him, trying to forget all the time I'd spent at that park growing up. Ten years of my life there...I didn't want to think about the last ten years.
"I know what you're thinking of, Sakura-san."
Yes, I figured he would. Even without the ability to read my mind, he would. "What else should I think?"
"Some of those were the happiest times of your life. You can still have happy times there, even without him. If you let yourself."
I looked at him, losing my stride. He walked ahead a few paces, and then turned to look at me, waiting. "It's all moving too fast. I can't let go like that. I can't just forget--"
He took a step closer, too close, wiping away tears I was only half aware of shedding. "I'm not asking you to forget. I never want you to forget. That's the last thing anyone should ask you."
"Then...you want me to remember?"
He nodded slowly. "I missed so much. I came back once a year? Yes? No, less than that. I came back a few times while we still grew up. I was here for your graduation. I came back for the wedding." He slumped. "A lot less than once a year. Well, I wanted to come back once a year. Kaho-san always did."
I winced a little. He hadn't mentioned her even in letters for years. I pretended he hadn't said it. "It's okay, we kept in touch."
"The point is, I was hoping you'd tell me some of the things I missed. The little things. Syaoran was my 'cute little descendent' after all, and I regret not knowing him better. Could you find it in your heart to tell me what I missed?"
I had a feeling I knew why he was asking. It wasn't just to catch up on the past. He didn't want me to forget because he wanted me to remember. That was almost worse. Remembering was so painful right now. But, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to tell the world even a tenth of what was missing now.
"If that is your wish," I said softly. I smiled up at him and began walking again.
By the time we arrived at the park, I had slipped into a fog of memory. It wasn't all happy, but I couldn't stop talking. Eriol was so easy to talk to. He was so attentive, as if nothing in the world mattered but the words that came from his mouth. I told him about the time Syaoran and I had ridden bicycles through the park when we were in high school, and Kero had smelled crepes cooking from one of the vendors and popped out of my bag so suddenly that we had both almost fallen. It was spectacular to see Syaoran flip so perfectly from his bike to avoid crashing into the rail by the playground. He had landed perfectly on one of the posts and glared for an hour at my bag. Needless to say, Kero didn't get the pleasure of crepes that afternoon....
Eriol laughed. "I can almost hear him whining about it now."
I pointed. "That's because Nakuru-san is just over there with the picnic basket. Kero-chan *is* complaining about not getting any crepes."
We both stopped, laughing hard. Some things never changed. "Clow and Keroberus shared that weakness. Such a horrible sweet tooth, and the fights over the last chocolate could get vicious." His eyes twinkled merrily behind his glasses. "I loaded Spinel Sun with the weakness I did in hopes to avoid incidents like that. Well, partially."
"I always wondered about that actually."
I felt the glare before I saw it. Nakuru's handbag had sprouted a small black head with piercing eyes as we approached. "So have I," the dark sun guardian chimed in.
Eriol was snickering, trying to hide the action with a raised hand. We were all staring at him with undisguised curiosity now, and all he could do is try to contain his laughter. Then I thought about it. Serious, stuffy Spinel Sun while high on sweets...could I have resisted? From what I had learned of Clow, and what little I knew of Eriol, it made perfect sense. He'd want a companion that could challenge and stimulate his mind and be a serious conversationalist, but he would also want to have fun. How many times had Kero mentioned that Clow had had a twisted sense of humor?
I started to smile, thinking of that particular weakness being visited on Yue. I'd never do it, I wouldn't dream of it, but the mental image was irresistible. I started laughing despite myself, locking eyes with Eriol as we shared in the mirth. I tried to stop when Kero started demanding to know what was so funny, but it was like a dam breaking. By the time I was ready to stop laughing, I was sitting on the grass with tears of joy streaming from my eyes. Eriol was a little calmer about it, but he hadn't stopped smiling the whole time.
That's when it hit me. How dare I be happy when he was dead? How could I justify laughter so soon? Why was I doing this? What would people think? Syaoran would understand, he told me himself that he wanted me to move on, but what was Eriol thinking about my outburst? What if someone saw me and thought I was dishonoring my husband's life? What if--
Eriol's hand was on my shoulder. I looked up at him, and was met with compassion and understanding. "It's good to hear you laugh like that. You know he'd want you too, so don't feel guilty. He knows how much you love him, and no one else matters, okay?"
I nodded, finding calm in his words.
"Let's eat."
His suggestion was met with much enthusiasm...including, surprisingly, from me.