Author's Note: A few people have expressed concern about this not being a Syaoran/Sakura pairing. I'm sorry, but this really is Eriol/Sakura, and I'm not changing that. It comes at the request of other readers with other tastes. Fear not! If you like my writing, and you love S+S, there are a few stories I've written with them! Look for Zettai Daijobu, and if you can handle some (a lot of) shounen ai I'd suggest you read Generations of Card Captors and Silent Eyes. I don't write S+S often though because it's been done a lot by people who write them better, and it's hard to find a truely original plot for them.
I am thankful for all the reviews this story has gotten. I hope I can update faster next time! Please leave a review, and thank you for reading!
A Thousand Yesterdays
Yue was giving me a strange look. I wasn't entirely sure why he was here instead of Yukito, but I never asked questions about how he wanted to handle things like this. Some secret part of me was still intimidated by my moon guardian and his cool and distant demeanor. I grew to love him dearly as a friend over time, but he still reminded me of being that little girl, confused and afraid, being forced to attack the one who meant the most to me at that time.
"Keroberus mentioned that you've been spending a lot of time with Eriol lately."
I blinked in confusion. It was true, but I didn't realize it was noteworthy. "He's been a great help the last few weeks, and a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what I would have done without him."
"Be careful, Sakura-san?"
Now I was even more confused, but I nodded. What did I have to be careful of? Eriol and I had kept in touch for years through letters and the occasional phone call. He had moved back here shortly before the disastrous break-up with Kaho-sensei. I knew him well enough. What was there to be careful about?
This was Yue telling me though, so I smiled at him, looking him directly in the eye. "It's sweet of you to be concerned. Of course I'll be careful."
He smiled at me then, the same small and rather weary smile I had grown used to, but it was still a smile. I wished he'd smile like Yukito, but it was okay. I was starting to understand better why his smiles were so rare. I wondered if my own smiles were a little smaller and a little wearier since--
Well, since then.
"Everything will be fine," I assured him after a moment of silence. "Everything always works out fine. I don't know how it will this time, but that's because sometimes you don't always see the big picture. It will work out though. It has to."
I think I sounded as vulnerable as I started to feel. I didn't understand why now, when I'd managed to hold things together for at least a week now.
He didn't say a word. He hardly ever did, really. He just moved closer and held me. I didn't even know I needed human contact until his arms were around me and my face was pressed into his shoulder. I didn't feel like crying, but I felt so much comfort in that gesture, more than I could put in words.
Still, he pulled away finally and the look on his face tugged at my heart. Was he thinking about Syaoran with such pain in his eyes? Did he remember the way Syaoran had once had a crush on Yukito the same as I, and we'd both made young fools of ourselves? Did he remember any number of times when he interacted with Syaoran as himself over the years? Was that what prompted the sad look? Or was it that he thought of his own pain and loss, and was reminded of it when faced with this new twist in fate's skein?
The doorbell rang, interrupting my speculation and erasing the expression from Yue's face. Onii-chan was there, fresh from a long day at work, checking up on me and making sure I was okay. "I told Yuki I'd meet him here, and maybe we could all go out for dinner."
I turned around to find Yukito standing behind me, smiling as ever, and my heart made its customary flutter still. I couldn't help it, he was still cute, and even on my wedding day I had caught myself grinning at him like that. Syaoran had--
He had teased me about it.
"Thank you for the invitation, Onii-chan. I have other plans," I lied. I just couldn't bring myself to want to leave the house after the train of thoughts I'd just had. It would be another night of tears and food that tasted like ashes and staring at photo albums in horrified fascination while I wondered if I could open them or not. So far I didn't have the courage. "Please include me some other night, but I can't do it tonight."
"Does this have something to do with him?"
"Onii-chan!"
He shook his head. "I just got used to that brat, accepted him into our family even though he dragged you to China and back all the damn time. You are NOT allowed to see that English brat, or anyone else for that matter. You are MY imouto-chan, MY kaijuu, MY Sakura-chan. I won't allow it."
I gave a bitter laugh. "Well, that was certainly blunt. First of all, it's nothing like that. Second of all, you have no right to tell me who to date even if I WAS dating already, which I'm not! Third of all, I AM NOT A MONSTER!" I punched him in the arm. Hard. And I glared.
He glared back for a minute, and then he did something unexpected. He grabbed me. I pulled away, shocked and expecting some new attack or something, but he just held me. Onii-chan was hugging me. It was so rare, he just wasn't demonstrative like that, and I was completely shocked. It took me a moment to hug him back, but after I did I felt another set of arms circling me from behind. A rare hug from Yukito, who usually kept his distance every bit as much as Onii-chan, though in a different way. The heart flutterings started again, but I firmly told myself it was just the magic and even if it wasn't Yukito-san was like a big brother to me and was involved with my Onii-chan and there was no use feeling like this so stop it now.
It worked the same as it had for the last thirteen years since he had kindly told me that what I felt for him was a family love and that he had someone else who came first in his heart. That is to say, it worked but it left behind a wistful smile that still said, "I wish..."
"Thank you, both of you, but I'll be okay. Zettai daijobu da yo!" I smiled even though I didn't really feel it, but they knew I was right. It would all be okay in the end. It would work out somehow.
"We just worry," Yukito said softly, ruffling my hair and pulling away. He still treated me like a kid sister, and that was okay. Some things in this world hadn't changed just because Syaoran was gone.
Onii-chan returned to himself. "Speak for yourself, Yuki. If she can punch me that hard still there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure that kid knows better than to mess with a monster like her." He rubbed his arm for effect, and I wondered for a moment if I'd really hurt him. I almost apologized, but then he grinned and I knew it had to be all for show.
"You're so mean! Out! Get out of my house if you're going to tease me about being a monster! Come back when you can treat me like a grown-up instead of a little kid!"
Yes, some things didn't change. Then again, some things did change...I didn't hate him anymore for teasing me like that. It didn't make me feel small and frustrated like it had when I was little. It made me feel included, accepted by him. It made me feel nostalgic. It really made me feel like things would be okay. If he could joke around like that, things were going to be normal again.
"KERO-CHAN!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, knowing he wouldn't pull himself away from the video game willingly unless I did. I did my best to sound angry...that sometimes helped.
He grumbled as he flew into the kitchen, but one look at my face and he became defensive. "I didn't do it!"
I shook my head. "I didn't say you did anything. I wanted to ask you a question."
He floated over, hovering next to me where I stood in front of the open freezer. "What do you wa--oh."
"Where did these come from?" I was looking at a pile of chocolate ice cream bars and various candy bars that had been hidden under the frozen vegetables. "You sound like you knew something about this. Are they yours?"
He hovered in the air uncertainly. "Ah, well, maybe half of them would have been. If I behaved myself. It was a thing that we, well, you see...."
I did see. "Oh. I guess they're all yours now." I started to walk away, leaving the door open. I returned to cooking absently, wondering if I'd actually eat any of it.
"You forgot to add the vegetables, Sakura."
Kero sounded so worried. It wasn't like him. "Ah, sorry. I...I think I'll just go get fresh ones. It always feels like cheating to use frozen ones anyway." I'd gotten in the habit of buying frozen vegetables for convenience when we were both still in college. It was a bad habit...fresh food was always better.
"You've already started cooking though!"
I rushed out of the room and called behind me, "Could you stir things and make sure they don't burn?" I was running for the door. I'm not sure why I was running, I didn't think about it, but I didn't want to stop even to put my shoes on. I didn't want to stop long enough to have to open the door.
The doorbell chimed just as I was removing my slippers. I froze, knowing exactly who it would be. Why was he here, now? I sat down; losing all the drive I'd had only a moment before. I heard Kero calling after me from down the hall, coming closer, and all I could do is sit there. I felt torn. I couldn't turn around and face Kero, and I couldn't move forward and open the door.
He knocked lightly and called my name. I didn't need to hear his voice to know who it was, but I was proven right. I felt somewhat trapped. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to deal with things right now, but I wasn't being given a choice.
"Sakura?"
Kero had caught up with me while I hesitated.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?"
I nodded, standing. I suddenly felt very silly, and I couldn't even understand why I'd been acting like that. Why was I on the verge of panic? I opened the door and smile. "Hello, Eriol. I wasn't expecting you today."
He looked me over, frowning slightly. "I had a feeling that you might want to talk, but--" He broke off with a shake of his head and replaced his worried look with a smile. "Is there anything I can do?"
"I-I don't know. It's been a long day, that's all. I'm sorry if I made you concerned, I don't want anyone to be worried about me." I stood aside, gesturing for him to come in.
"The last thing I want to do is pry, but--what's going on?"
Kero is the one who answered, sounding solemn. "She found his chocolate."
"Oh, I see."
In fact, they both sounded entirely too serious. I had to laugh, but it came out as a strained and girlish giggle. "What? It's just candy." They exchanged another look, before turning their eyes back on me. "It is! It's just chocolate! What's the big deal?"
"Why don't you tell me what the 'big deal' is?" Eriol was still too calm and serious.
I walked back to the kitchen, not caring if I was followed or not. "Well, it's not a big deal then. I mean, he was just hiding candy from me, in my own kitchen. I was a little shocked, that's all. Why would he do that, you know? But, I guess a lot of people like to have a secret stash somewhere. Even newlyweds. People who shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other sometimes can't let go of, oh, old habits. Right? So I--oh."
I realized what I was saying.
"Well, you're wrong, he did trust me with everything. I'm sure he just wanted to surprise me some day or something. Or, maybe it wasn't a big deal, he just forgot to tell me where his bribe candy for Kero-chan was."
Eriol's brow furrowed. "I never said he didn't trust you."
I took a deep breath, looking around the kitchen wildly a moment. Why was I suddenly so scared?
"He did trust me," I finally found myself saying. This isn't what I wanted to say, but the dam was breaking. "He trusted me more than anyone." My voice was lowering in pitch, and I found it harder to speak. "He shouldn't have trusted me though," I started to cry. "He shouldn't have trusted me at all."
"It's not your fault, Sakura-san." He was holding me tight. When had he gotten so close? It didn't matter. I let him hold me, and I cried on his shoulder as if I'd never cried before.
"How do you know it's not my fault? You weren't there. You didn't see it. I should have...should have done, something, anything MORE to save him, and I couldn't. He just looked at me and he trusted me and I failed him, and he trusted me with his life! He could trust me with his life, but not his stupid chocolate!" I couldn't talk anymore, I was sobbing too hard. I hadn't cried like this ever before. My chest hurt, and my eyes were burning as more and more tears fell, and I just couldn't hold it inside me anymore. The feeling was too big to contain, but it was too big to let out too. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there in his arms and cried until I couldn't anymore.
"It wasn't your fault," he murmured again. "It's not your fault at all. Ultimately, if anyone is to blame, it--" Eriol stopped and took a deep breath. "I--no, Clow--should never have made those cards. Should never have wished them on you. You did everything you could, but it never would have come to this if--"
"NO!" I screamed it. I wanted to run upstairs and grab the book and hold it protectively and never hear those words again. "Don't say that, please. I love each and every one of the cards, so much--"
"More than you loved Syaoran?"
Why was he doing this? How could he say such a thing? I opened my eyes to find Kero hovering nearby, looking at Eriol with the same worried eyes he'd been looking at me with since--for a few weeks now.
And that's when it happened.
Somewhere along the line, I'd forgotten how I used to see Eriol the person when I didn't know his secrets. I'd started looking at him like Clow, the great mage who could see the future and had given me so very much. I was awed, and I didn't see him as an equal. He'd created the cards, Kero, and Yue. He'd then created Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon. He was Eriol the Wizard of legend, reincarnation of the Great Clow Reed. He wasn't entirely human.
Until this moment. Because he hurt just as much as I did, and he said stupid things when he was feeling grief too.
Just like me.
"If it weren't for Clow, and the cards, and Kero and Yue and *YOU*, I wouldn't have had Syaoran at all. Not for any amount of time, no matter how little it seems now."
And, just like any human being, I finally saw genuine shock in his eyes. It melted away into a smile, hesitantly at first, but then it decided to stay. It was a Yue-smile, small and still all too aware of the fresh pain going on, but it was genuine. Then his smile turned rueful. "That was a stupid thing for me to say. I'm sorry for that, Sakura-san."
I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'm glad you said it instead of just holding something like that in your heart." I matched his smile with one of my own. "Stay for supper? We can talk more."
He agreed. Kero was strangely quiet, and I caught him giving us both strange looks while he cooked. I thought nothing of it, and just took over taking care of the food, but maybe I should have taken note of it. Sometimes Kero is just as silly and fun as he acts, and sometimes I find out he's a lot wiser underneath it all. It's easy to forget and dismiss him sometimes...and maybe I shouldn't have done that so easily this time.