Author's Note: Welcome back everyone. This took longer than I was planning, but I'm finally back from a month of insane novel writing. ~falls over~
I do hope that people are still following this story and others I write. Please, please, please leave a review. Thank you, thank you, thank you for those of you who already have.
Slowly Awakening
How long had it been? Logically I knew it was six months today, but my heart was screaming conflicting messages. Sometimes it felt like just yesterday, but sometimes it felt like it had happened too long ago to be remembered. I had to think about it to remember what he looked like.
I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like.
"I wish you would talk to me again," I whispered that night. "It's been six months since I let you down, six months since I failed you. Can't you forgive me for letting you die? I should have tried harder, I should have done more, but I was--"
I was what? I was knocked out, that's all. So, midnight came and went, and by the time I woke up with the wind blowing hard against us and the rain pelting us with daggers of ice, he had been dead long enough that it was impossible for me to change. Not that I didn't try...not that I didn't ask the cards if there was any way, any way at all, that they could help or change the past or something. In the end, even Time had spread his hands helplessly and shook his head, nearly as torn as I was. Time had been one of his cards, in the beginning. The cards that he had captured had shifted their loyalties to me the night Yue had pronounced me Mistress of the Cards, but I'd never begrudged any of them their fondness for the one I loved so much. I couldn't blame them, after all.
So, even Time and Return had admitted the futility of the attempt.
I had tried anyway.
I almost died for it, but it was no less than what I felt I deserved after all.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Syaoran."
I looked at the clock and frowned. There would be no sleep tonight. Six months exactly, and the clock was recounting those exact moments to me as I lay in bed pretending to sleep. I didn't think anything short of heavy narcotics or the Sleep card could force my eyes closed this night though. I'd give anything to see him again. Even if it couldn't be like it had been, even to see him like the night of the funeral. It was a wild and crazy hope, but he'd done it that once. He should be able to do it again.
I crawled out of bed, unable to stay there in this state of mind.
"Please. I miss you so much it hurts. You said you didn't want to hurt me, so come back. Please come back to me."
It wasn't fair. Onii-chan could have done it. Or, he could have told me if there was anything Syaoran wanted to tell me. He'd seen Okaa-san until the day--
Until that day.
I looked at the clock again. Five minutes until midnight. Otou-san would be fast asleep so I couldn't call him. He'd been so much help the last six months too, especially at times when I felt like this. He understood. He'd been there. He saw Okaa-san die too, and he'd survived it.
'Tou-san had done it. So could I.
Otou-san hadn't been able to see Okaa-san either. Just Onii-chan. Onii-chan had all the Sight in the family. So, I couldn't--
Wait.
In the family.
I knew someone, someone who had become very close and very dear to me, someone who could see spirits and could tell me if there was something I needed to hear.
I quickly changed my clothes, refusing to stop and think about it. In fact, I grabbed the book of cards to take with me, and without a thought I pulled the key from around my neck. In an instant I invoked the Fly card and was racing out the window and into the dark night. I'd done this so many times before when troubled by insomnia or when a strange feeling prickled the hairs at the back of my neck. No one ever looked up and saw me, especially at night. Tomoeda was such a sleepy place at night usually that no one had any reason to look up and watch a girl flying through the dark sky. I wore a dark cloak though, not wanting to be too conspicuous just in case.
The moon was full and the damp air clung to me as I slipped through the dark night. The unique and unmistakable scent of autumn was further proof to me that time was, indeed, passing. Had it been a rainy spring shower that pelted us that night? That night the moon had been hidden, but it had been perfectly black in the sky. New moon. I remember Yue had been so silent and withdrawn earlier, so I'd just sent him home to--
No.
I wasn't yet ready to revisit those events. I could almost handle remembering the after and the hopeless striving to make it all better, but the before was still too much for me. Is that strange? I don't know.
I found myself hovering over a balcony, hesitating before I'd allow myself to land. The room was dark. The whole house was dark. Weren't they back already? Belatedly I realized that they might still be in England. It had been a week ago though, right? I tried to figure it, and the best I could come up with was a week ago, but I couldn't remember if he'd said they'd be back this day or the next.
I went ahead and landed, feeling drained and defeated. I sat with my back against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest. I draped my arms across the tops of my knees then, and cried into my arms for a while. I just couldn't take any more of this night. My brain wouldn't shut down, wouldn't let me sleep, and my only hope for finding some peace may or may not be asleep on the other side of this wall. I wrapped my cloak around me tighter, shivering from both the cold and emotional overload.
I heard myself murmuring, "I'm sorry," again and shook my head. I needed to stop that. At this point they were useless words, just something I couldn't stop saying for some reason. I could barely remember why I'd said them in the first place.
The balcony door opened quietly beside me.
I was only vaguely aware of it. Somehow it just didn't seem real to hear the doorknob click open as it turned, or to see it swing slowly open. It was so silent as it opened, and I heard the wood creak softly as weight settled onto the beams and planks the balcony consisted of. Eyeglasses flashed the reflection of a distant streetlamp for a moment, framed by long black hair that seemed to spill everywhere. He was a shadow figure as he looked around, looking for me in the darkness of the night. Only when he closed his eyes did he turn his luminously pale face toward me. "Sakura?"
All I could do was stare at him as he blinked sleepily at me. I hadn't really wanted to wake him up. I just--I wasn't sure what I'd wanted. I was numb as I watched him kneel before me. "Sakura, it's cold outside."
"I know," I said, nodding.
"Would you like to come in?"
I nodded again, taking the hand he offered in support. His hands were so warm it felt like my fingers were on fire at first. I began to wonder how long I'd been out there as I rose to my feet carefully. My limbs were stiff from staying too long in one position and I shivered again.
He took note of this and easily picked me up with one smooth motion. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned into his warmth. He smelled of spices and sandalwood, and I wondered if he'd been doing something with incense. Making some, burning some...I realized just how much I didn't know about how he performed his magic. I had the cards. Syaoran had used his own methods handed down through his family. So, what was Eriol's method? In this, he was so much above me....
"Stay here," he murmured as he set me down on his bed. Yes, it looked rumpled and the covers were tossed carelessly aside...I'd woken him up.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, but he had already left the room.
I looked down at the pure white sheets with a small smile. It was somehow just like him I thought. The heavy comforter was dark blue, and the pillowcases were trimmed with gold and black, but the sheets were white and soft and pure--
I was reading too much into this. I knew I was. But, some small romantic part of me wanted to paint him into the role of prince charming because I needed one so badly. I needed someone to save me from myself and all the horrors I saw when I closed my eyes at night. A knight in shining armor to--
No.
Syaoran had been my knight. He'd been my everything. So, why was I even thinking like this?
Eriol returned with tea, setting it on the bedside table. "This should warm you up a little."
"Thank you," I said softly, taking the cup he offered me, and holding it in my hands. It was too hot on my frozen fingers, but I bit my lip and shifted the cup from hand to hand as it got too uncomfortable. If it was this hot in my hands though, I didn't want to take a drink yet. So, I warmed my hands first, staring at the pale liquid inside.
"I made it weak, the way you like it," he said, sipping his own tea. "So, you don't have to be afraid to take a drink." He tried a smile with this, but he was still clearly not awake enough to pull it off.
"I'm just waiting for it to cool off a little," I said. I looked back down at the cup and tried to focus...he'd looked so adorable, still sleepy like that. "I'm sorry that I woke you up. I wasn't really thinking."
"You weren't the one who woke me, Sakura. It's okay." He took the cup from my hands and held my frozen fingers in his palms.
This time the warmth infused me, sweeping through my body. I was blushing, my heart was racing, and somewhere in there my mind had stopped working. I just stared down at where he touched me and stared at his hands. The fingers were long and slender, dexterous from long years of magical working. His skin was pale, but still had a healthy glow from spending time outside...sun-kissed but not weather beaten. His grip was firm and gentle at the same time, and I could feel strength in those hands that went beyond just physical. Placed against the black fabric of his robes, his skin seemed almost luminous, enhanced by the not-quite physical glow his magic gave him.
I leaned closer, wanting nothing more than to be near him. I wanted to be as close to him as I could, though my heart pounded in apprehension as I did so. I leaned my head against his shoulder again, this time thinking clearly of what I was doing. My hands would have trembled nervously if he hadn't been holding me so tightly. I didn't dare look up at his face, I didn't want to see surprise or shock there as I leaned closer. He finally let go of my hands and draped his arm around me, pulling me closer.
It was so hard just to breathe.
"Eriol," I whispered his name, not sure why. What was it that I wanted from him? I...didn't want this to end. I didn't want to be let go. I was scared to be alone right now.
I looked up, searching his eyes. I watched myself as my hands came up and carefully pulled his glasses from his face...watching as if from a distance while my body did things I could only wish I had the bravery to actually do. I was about to set his glasses aside when his hand covered mine, giving me pause.
"Sakura?"
He wasn't stopping me; he was just looking at me. Without his glasses he looked so much younger...he looked for once like he was my age. Even when we'd been children, even before I knew who he'd once been, he had looked so much older, but now he didn't. He was just another person now.
Well, another person with almost unearthly good looks and eyes like the midnight sky on a full moon.
Why hadn't I noticed before?
But, I'd never been this lonely before. Ever. Maybe something of what I felt now was from missing Syaoran so much and knowing I'd never feel him hold me like this again. Maybe that's what was pulling me so much that I dared to want what I'd never sought before.
Or, maybe being with Syaoran this whole time had kept me from seeing someone else I could love?
I couldn't think of this any more. I had to do something. I had to know for sure. I had to find out what would happen if I took a chance.
I brushed my fingertips lightly against the smooth skin of his cheek and he shivered. It was now or never. I'm sure I was bright red, blushing so hard he could probably feel the heat radiating from my cheeks, but I moved forward anyway. At the very last second I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his in a soft kiss.
My world held still while I waited, wondering if he would kiss me back.
I almost pulled away, almost came to the conclusion that I'd acted foolishly, when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. He returned my kiss, slowly and gently, so restrained even now, and I couldn't hold back the thought that Syaoran had never kissed me like this. He'd kissed me thoroughly, reverently, passionately, but...not so carefully. This was so gentle, so slow, and so careful that I felt like a delicate thing that would shatter if he pushed me just a little bit further.
And, maybe he was right. Maybe I would shatter.
By some mutual agreement the kiss deepened and I felt a tear slide down my face. I didn't know why though! Why would this make me cry? He immediately pulled away, gently wiping the tear away with his thumb. Again he held me close and he stroked my hair slowly, comfortingly.
"Six months," he murmured softly into my hair. "That's...not a lot of time. You should try to get some sleep, then we can talk in the morning."
I nodded, still crying more, but I didn't move away. I felt so safe and warm in his arms, so protected from everything. I didn't want to move again, ever.
He just held me, even as I fell asleep in his arms.