Author's Note: Art immitates life, life immitates art, and from one the other is continually drawn. I know that this story is difficult for some to read, but I only hope that it can be a comfort to someone someday.
If that just looks like random rambles to you, that's okay. Just enjoy the story, please, and know that I appreciate all my readers. Give someone a hug, tell someone you love them, and take care of yourself. Thank you.
Running Away
I had grown used to waking up alone, so the empty bed did not surprise me. Still, for some reason it felt strange and I couldn't remember why. It wasn't until I opened my eyes that I remembered I wasn't in my own bed. This was Eriol's bed, and his sweet scent was surrounding me. The other side of the bed was cool to the touch though, so I'd been alone for quite some time. I blushed as I remembered my forwardness from the night before, and I touched my lips as I remembered the sweet and gentle softness he'd graced me with. Such a careful kiss...what did that mean?
But, he'd kissed me in return. He didn't have to--
Or did he?
Was that why he was gone now? Had he held me and returned my kiss only out of kindness? What did he really think of me now?
There was only one way to know.
I slipped out of bed, taking note that I was still fully clothed but my cloak had been carefully set aside. I hadn't been wearing shoes in the first place, so that wasn't an issue at all...I draped my cloak across my arm and padded quietly from the room. My only concern was for Eriol's sense of propriety in front of his guardians. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea if they saw me coming from his room. I needn't have worried; they were nowhere to be found. I couldn't be sure of that at the time though.
I heard his voice coming from another room and drifted silently toward it. I didn't want to disturb him if he was doing something important, or working magic that required concentration. That wasn't enough to keep my curiosity from propelling me forward to see for myself what was going on. It was nothing though. He was just sitting down in his library, book draped across his lap....
He wasn't looking at the book though. His eyes were focused on empty air a few feet away. He looked both sad and apprehensive, and he spoke again. "I just can't do this to her. I don't want--"
He stopped as if cut off, but I heard nothing. I knew though, I knew what he was doing. I knew who he was talking to. I didn't want to believe it, but the knowledge was there despite my defenses slamming me into denial. I stared at the empty space before him and felt my knees grow wobbly.
"Syaoran, I--"
I gasped when he said the name, forcing me to face the truth. His eyes immediately locked onto mine, but I ran away before he could say a word or do a thing. I don't know if he ran after me, but I took off like he was. Though I was still on the second floor of the house, I pulled out Through and used it to pass through the outer wall, and then Fly gave me wings to take me home. I just wanted to run and keep running and never think about what had happened last night or what I'd overheard this morning.
But, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Last night I'd come to Eriol to ask him about getting in touch with Syaoran. I was so lonely, I missed my husband so much, but instead I'd kissed someone Syaoran had once seen as a rival. How could I betray him like that? Was he watching...had I forced him to watch while I kissed someone else?
I'd never know.
And then the words I'd overheard began playing in my head as I tried to make sense of what Eriol had been saying. Was I the one he didn't want to hurt? What did he mean by that? And, if so, what suggestion had he been denying? What was it that he didn't want? My head began spinning so hard I could no longer fly straight. I landed on the top of an apartment complex and held my hands to my head, wanting to cry but too overloaded to do it. Instead I just sat numbly until I could set everything aside and go on.
Tomoyo was sitting on her couch, stroking Meiling's hair as she listened to me. Meiling was lying stretched across the couch, staring at the ceiling, and I could see the tears forming in her eyes as I brought up painful reminders to her. They listened quietly as I told them about what happened last night, and what I'd woken to this morning, and even most of all my guilty rambling.
Of course, it was Meiling who suddenly sat up and wiped the tears from her eye. "All he ever wanted was to make you happy, Sakura. So, you can stop right there! Syaoran wanted to be the one to make you happy, but since he can't, I'm sure he wants someone to. Stop beating yourself up with this; if you really need to be beat up, I'll teach you how to fight!"
I was shocked by how upset she was. No, I expected her to be angry with me, but not for those reasons. I thought she'd hate me for kissing Eriol, for betraying Syaoran, but this was unexpected.
Tomoyo stood next to her girlfriend and placed a hand on her shoulder. She leaned over to whisper in Meiling's ear. She calmed after a moment of listening to Tomoyo's words and then nodded. Meiling gave me a pitying look, then left the room. I opened my mouth to protest, but Tomoyo was sitting down next to me, draining my will to fight with her calm presence.
"Syaoran and I were a lot alike in some ways," she began, to my utter confusion.
"No, you--" I was shaking my head, but she cut me off with a gesture.
"Yes. We were. Either of us would have done anything, sacrificed anything just to see you happy. He and I talked about it once, just before Meiling and I decided to try a relationship with each other. He told me that I could," she paused, taking a deep breath. "He said I should look after my own happiness, because he would ensure yours. No matter what."
I have long been aware of how my best friend feels about me. It took a while to accept, and I was really confused at first, but when I was safely wrapped in Syaoran's arms he had asked me a few leading questions and I realized she loved me in a way I didn't quite understand. I knew it, I accepted it, and I appreciated it for what it was, but I was bewildered how she could be in love with me without wanting anything more than what we had. I'd never had the courage to ask her directly about it though. Maybe now, while she was taken and I had problems of my own...?
"Tomoyo, I--"
Again she wouldn't let me talk. I bit my lip, waiting for her to go on.
"Even in death, or maybe especially in death, I can't imagine Syaoran would do anything to make you unhappy. If you can be happy with Eriol, you should be. And, if I'm wrong, I don't think Eriol would lie to you about whatever Syaoran has said. So, if you ask him--"
It was my turn to interrupt.
"No."
She looked exasperated. "Sakura, be reasonable."
I stood. "You've been my best friend for a long time, and I love you very much, but please don't say such a thing to me ever again."
She looked at me as if I'd slapped her. I almost wanted to apologize, but I didn't want to take back what I'd said. I couldn't take hearing it, no matter who said it, so I just walked away. I heard Tomoyo say something, and I think Meiling protested as I headed toward the front door, but I didn't listen to a word they said, and I think something about my stance must have warned them off because the protests didn't last. I just walked directly home, where I knew Kero would talk and talk for hours on end and wouldn't feel the need to tell me to relax and be happy when I couldn't. I just couldn't.
The next day Onii-chan and Yukito came over. I didn't know either of them would talk to Tomoyo for any reason, but apparently they had, and they backed her up and told me I should call her. Onii-chan even yelled, telling me I was being stupid, and pointing out that if he was telling me to give any guy a chance it had to be worth listening to. I summoned Yue.
"Yue, take him out of here before I do something drastic." I was trembling with barely suppressed rage.
Touya opened his mouth to say something, but Yue was the wiser of the two. "We'll do this again some other time, after she's calmed down."
I almost protested, commanding my guardian to never bring it up, but I stopped. Since when had I commanded either of them? This was getting out of hand. Still, they both left before I could grow angrier with them and do something...well...drastic. I don't know what I would have done, but I had a feeling I'd regret it.
A full week passed before anyone else tried to talk to me. The next person to come to my door was Otou-san, and we ate a nice dinner in silence before the talking began.
"I heard you've been seeing someone," he said as I began clearing the dishes from the table.
I continued clearing the table in silence for a bit, and he just waited, helping me. We were both in the kitchen when I leaned against the sink and crossed my arms. "I was. Is that wrong of me?"
"Sakura, I just want you to be happy."
It wasn't fair--"What is this sudden concern everyone has for my happiness?"
He only smiled his usual calm smile, and I instantly felt guilty for snapping at him. "When people care for each other, that's what is important to them. You are my daughter, so your happiness is very important to me."
I never understood how he could always take things so calmly. He'd been an absolute saint when I was a teenager, and I cringed now at some of the things I'd done then. No matter what though, he smiled and he was nothing but caring.
"Is it bad of me to see someone else? After Okaa-san died, you never even looked at anyone else. Why can't I be happy with what I had, and stop wishing for something I shouldn't have?" I was crying, and I found myself being held closely. 'Tou-san stroked my hair while I sobbed into his shoulder, making soothing sounds.
He eventually wiped away my tears and lifted my face so he could look me in the eye. "I've been asking myself the same thing, Sakura. I'm seeing someone else as well, after all this time, and I had hoped to find your understanding."
His words were a splash of cold water across my face.
"You are?" How could I have been so self-absorbed? Why didn't I know? Why was my first thought, 'how could he do this to me?'
"Yes. I started dating her about a year ago, and things have only recently become serious. I haven't wanted to burden you with it, since you are still healing, but I don't want to see you holding yourself to an impossible standard because you think I did."
Was that what I was doing?
"It's okay to love someone else?"
His smile melted away my fears more than any words could, but he went on anyway. "Of course. When your Okaa-san died, I never stopped loving. Nadeshiko would have been sad to think I let her death close off my heart, to anyone. We honor the dead by continuing to live, not by dying at their side."
"I don't know if I can," I said tearfully, but I was trying to wipe my eyes. It hurt to keep crying so much.
"It's okay to be afraid, Sakura, as long as you don't let that fear imprison you."
I didn't understand what he meant at first. I didn't want to understand. But, later that night, I began to realize. I was so scared of losing someone else, of not being able to save another life with all this useless magic, that I had been withdrawing from everyone. I was looking for excuses to shut people out, to be angry with them so I wouldn't have to care anymore.
Through seeking freedom, I was imprisoning my soul from all love.