Author's Note: Yes, Peacewish-sensei. I am a sadist...or at least, I am where my writing is concerned. Or, I may be a masochist since I'm suffering right along with everyone else.
I'd like to thank everyone who has left a review for this. You're all helping me a great deal by putting up with me while I write such a dark and depressing thing. It's just something I need to get out of my system. Thank you all.
Chasing a Dream
It still took a while before I could let myself accept my father's words and the lesson he tried to teach me. I understood what he was saying now, but it didn't stop me from being scared. If I didn't let anyone else in, they wouldn't suffer when I eventually died, and I....
I wouldn't....
That's where I always got stuck.
It was impossible to pretend that I wouldn't hurt to lose them, sooner or later. If I cut ties with everyone now, it would hurt, and then it would hurt again to lose them and never have had the chance to spend all that time with them. But, it hurt so much to love someone and see them die. How did people go on, all over the world, knowing that in the end everyone now living would die, everyone would leave them or they would leave everyone behind?
Some people didn't go on. Depression, insanity, and suicide were common escapes in a hopeless world. But, there were people like Otou-san who managed to become better people and care more about others, even after losing someone they loved. I would just have to learn how.
I started by apologizing to Onii-chan and Yukito and Yue. We talked a bit, but after the last disaster the words came out too strained to go much beyond polite conversation. I apologized to Tomoyo and Meiling next, and that was a lot less formal. Meiling yelled at me. A lot. Tomoyo just smiled, gave me a hug, and told me she could never stay mad. My best friend is a saint. Truly. I don't know how she does it, but I'm thankful for it. I left their place that night, feeling more hopeful than I could remember in a long time. I almost felt like my old self again.
That left only one more person I needed to see, and apologize to.
But, how could I?
I found myself standing in front of Eriol's house, outside at the gate, looking across the perfectly groomed front yard to the imposing front door. Since when had it started to look so forbidding? I couldn't bring myself to touch the gate, let alone set foot inside. He'd hate me. He'd never forgive me. I'd been so rude, I couldn't imagine what he thought of it at all.
I stood there for a long time, torn, until the light came on in Eriol's room. I saw his silhouette against the window, and I saw him turn in surprise when the light turned on. He then turned back to look outside--
He'd been watching me the entire time.
Part of me wanted to run and never look back. The problem was, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to run. Did I really want to run to him, or away?
I closed my eyes. "He's been my friend for a very long time," I whispered to myself. "If that ends now, it's all my fault. I can't let that happen. Eriol is my friend." I squared my shoulders and took a step forward, unsurprised when the gates swung open of their own accord, and the light in Eriol's window was extinguished. I let my feet lead the way, bringing me ever closer to the door, until I stood before the opening aperture, watching as Eriol was revealed to me.
"Please come in," he said, voice revealing nothing.
I nodded, stepping inside and taking off my outdoor shoes as if in a dream. Everything felt surreal as I went through the motions of a normal visit, following Eriol to the sitting room with a floaty sort of feeling in my head. He wasn't smiling, he wasn't frowning, he was just there, perfectly blank for once in all the time that I'd known him. He stood behind the large red chair, exactly like the one he'd once offered me when we were little and I'd visited his house the first time. This time though, I didn't feel Clow's presence. That was long gone, with the original chair and the original house, and this chair felt only like him, only like Eriol.
Eriol took a seat on the nearby couch, leaning back to stare at the ceiling for a moment. He didn't speak, and I felt like I could not. I wanted to, and I tried to say something a couple of times, but my mouth could not agree on what words it should be forming. I stared down at my hands, willing the words to sort themselves out so I could talk, and I almost missed what he finally said.
"I remember," he began softly, "I remember so many things. Clow tried so hard to ensure your happiness. He was sure you would love--that you--that he--in the end that the one you would love--"
"Yue?" I guessed.
He nodded. "And, when that didn't happen, there was Syaoran. And there was Kaho. Everything should have worked out perfectly like that, and you would have had your happy ending. I tried so hard, and all I wanted was for you to be happy, Sakura." There was a catch in his voice I'd never heard before, a vulnerability revealed in his tone that I never expected from him of all people.
"You succeeded," I assured him quickly, needing to make this all better somehow.
"Only for a while. The problem with having such power is, though your successes are wonders to behold, so are your failures. I thought I could spare you from that, I hoped I could keep your heart pure and joyful even with the burden of responsibility I was placing on your shoulders, but in the end I failed spectacularly."
"You can't blame yourself, Eriol."
"Can't I?" He sounded hollow now, though tears glittered in his eyes. "I failed you. I failed Sakura, the one person I never wanted to see hurt, the one person who always meant more to me than anyone else."
I didn't know what to say. I was thrilled to hear his admission that I meant so much to him, but he was in so much pain over this that I felt guilty. He'd been in pain this whole time, and I hadn't noticed anyone else but me. Some people might say that I was justified in my selfishness; I'd lost my husband after all, my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life.
But, how could I think I was falling in love with Eriol if I wasn't even paying attention to how he was feeling?
For half a second I was tempted to use that reasoning as an escape. Maybe half a second, maybe less. I'm not sure. It didn't last long though. Before I could even consciously reject that train of thoughts, I was in motion. I stood up from the chair and knelt in front of Eriol, cupping his face with my palms and tilting his face upward so he would look me in the eye.
"You didn't fail me."
His expression didn't change as he looked at me, but I could feel how unconvinced he was. He felt my sincerity, but that was not enough to change how he felt....
"Eriol, that night was the worst night of my life. He and I...we were just going out to eat, and on our way home we both felt something strange. He wanted to go straight home, but I had to know what it was. It could have been some new enemy, it could have been someone in need of help, or it could have been--anything really. I had to know. So, I made him turn the car around and drive past the park, just to see if we could spot anything. We got there, and I couldn't see a thing, but Syaoran just glared at me. 'There, it's just a restless spirit. Again. Happy?'"
Eriol was showing signs of listening to me, of my words getting through to him. He also looked confused as to why I was telling him what happened after all this time. Well, I was a little shocked myself.
"We were arguing. We didn't pay attention. We were just going home, as usual. Nothing to pay attention to. I still don't remember what happened next. I was yelling, thinking he was acting just like Touya, and thinking I should just squish him like a bug some day so he'd stop picking on me. I also knew I didn't mean it...not the thought, and not what I was yelling. I think I remember a bright light, but it took a while to remember even that much. The next thing I knew was that everything was dark, and I wasn't in the car anymore. I heard an ambulance I think. I turned over and saw him lying down next to me, and his eyes were open, and I thought he would be okay. I thought he was so cold because it was windy and raining, and I said something about his hands feeling like icicles.
"That's when I noticed he wasn't blinking or looking around."
I had to stop talking for a moment. It was the first time I'd willingly thought about it. It was the first time I'd talked about it at all. I forced myself to take a few deep breaths before I went on.
"So, you see why I know all about who might and might not be at fault. All the magic I had could not change what had already happened, all because I did a stupid thing like lose consciousness at the wrong moment. I blamed myself for not being powerful enough. I blamed myself for being too curious. I blamed myself for fighting and distracting him at the wrong moment. I've hated myself for six months."
He moved his hands as if he wanted to wipe away my tears, but I could not shed any. I felt strangely divorced from the events I described, as if talking about it had made it so it happened to someone else. I knew it was me, but I felt like it wasn't...or maybe I wasn't. But, it made me feel empty to speak like this.
"Sakura, I should have saved you from this pain. Somehow, some way, I should have been able to--"
"No." I shook my head violently from side to side until I made myself a little dizzy. "That's the point. You were sitting there, telling me it was your fault somehow, and you weren't even there. If I couldn't do anything, neither could you. And I realized it was time to stop. It already happened. I can't bring him back, and if you could you would have already."
"You're right, I can't," he said.
"Neither of us is all powerful. There's nothing we could do, and there's nothing we can do now."
"I don't indulge in self-pity often," Eriol said wearily. He took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, and then he pulled me off of the floor and onto the couch next to him. "It's just been difficult to see you suffering so much, and to hear every day from Syaoran how I was messing everything up and making things worse. He still doesn't like me very much."
That was hardly comforting. I bit my lower lip, looking down at my hands. "He's probably angry with me then."
Eriol shook his head. "Hardly. He wants you to be happy, no matter what. That's all he really wants now."
"Even if you're the one that makes me happy?" I looked at him hopefully.
He paused, taking on a posture of listening, and I knew this would be no idle answer. He smiled slightly, nodding, and then looked deep into my eyes. "As long as you're happy. That's what matters to him the most."
I couldn't help myself. I began to cry, unsure if the tears sprung from the grief of being reminded of his loss, or if they were tears of happiness and hope. Eriol wrapped me in a comforting embrace, and I felt my heart would burst from all the emotions built up inside me.
"If I make you happy," he murmured softly in my ear, "than I'm luckier than I deserve. Perhaps that's reason enough for Syaoran not to like me."
"I wish I could talk to him, just once more."
Eriol nodded, softly kissed my cheek, and left the room without another word. I was confused, wondering if I'd said the wrong thing. He hadn't looked hurt or angry or anything like that, but what made him leave?
I felt hands covering my eyes from behind, forcing them closed. The fingers were cold as ice and I almost jumped, but a familiar scent hung in the air that made me pause. My heart stilled. I quickly raised my hands to grasp the cold hands resting on my face, and I almost whirled around with an exclamation of joy.
"No, don't look."
The words were an almost soundless whisper, but the voice was unmistakable.
"Syaoran!"