Author's Note: Half of the reason for this story being rated "R" is this chapter. I go into detailed flashbacks on how Syaoran died. It gets...ugly. It's not Stephen King quality, but if that sort of thing will get you to stop reading what I write, feel free to approach the flashbacks with extreme caution and keep in mind I have warned you and I *did* rate this appropriately.
That said, please accept this humble offering. I've been getting some glowing reviews...and others of a more mixed nature. Still, I'd like to thank you for spending the time to let me know what you think and let me know you are reading this. I can't express how much it means to me. Thank you!
Shadows and Shades
I was fed up. He was supposed to be my husband, not a pain in my ass like my big brother. "It's not my fault I can't see the damn things! Okay? Lording it over me, just because you had better training and you're Clow's direct descendant."
"That has nothing to do with it! You should just use a little bit of common sense instead of dashing off every time something feels a little bit funny. It's a big world out there, Sakura, and you can't go around gawking at every little thing that comes along."
"It's not every little thing! Having the cards gives me a responsibility to the community, to protect the people around me. I need to know what's going on, so I can keep everyone safe!"
"You can't keep everyone safe. You'll just wear yourself out trying, and on the one day you can't fix everything you'll be consumed by it. Come on, the world will not end if you don't go out in the cold and rain to investigate every ghost with an anxiety attack."
"Syaoran!!!" I was crushed. He didn't understand. He never would either. I'd had all this handed to me, and I had to justify it somehow! Eriol would be so disappointed in me if I didn't.
I fingered the Big card and contemplated the same image that had helped me survive childhood with a mean tyrant of a big brother. The thought of growing huge and squashing him like the narrow-minded insect he was acting--
"Syaoran!!!" I shouted again, but this time it was terror and not anger or hurt that motivated me.
"What?" He was still looking at me, and not at the road, so he didn't see it coming at all.
I had my hands on the cards, pulling Shield from the deck even as we collided with the truck in front of us. We both hit the windshield, having stupidly forgotten our seatbelts in our irritation. The windshield felt like a wall at first, then it gave and scattered like glittering jewels. My eyes lost focus and
"Just close your eyes," he said softly, and I could feel his breath against my ear. He no longer felt cold to the touch, but he wasn't generating any heat either. He was just...there. I could feel him, and it was hard to imagine that he wasn't really, physically, there behind me.
"I can't see you again?"
"No." His voice was flat, final. "I am not really here, Sakura. If I keep appearing and reminding you of what you lost, I'll keep you chained to me and you'll never have a chance to live your life again."
"But, I love you." That was the answer. That was the key. Those words were supposed to be the solution to everything.
"I love you too. That's why I can't stand to see you suffer over this. It was a stupid, senseless accident, but it was meant to be. It was my turn, so stop blaming yourself."
"I yelled at you. The last thing you saw from me was anger and resentment, even though--"
"No. I'm seeing you right now, and I've seen you many times since the accident. There is no 'last thing' in death, and you need to stop telling yourself that. You should have known, after the funeral, when I came back and told you to be happy. It doesn't matter what was said that night, it doesn't matter what mistakes we both made while I was still alive. More than anything else in the world I loved you while I was living, and I still love you just as much now that I'm dead."
His hands were still covering my eyes, and I clung to his wrists like a lifeline. "I know you said I should be happy. I just can't do it though. I can't do it without you."
"In all this time, you haven't been happy even once?"
The dim light made the windshield glass glitter around me on the black pavement. I could feel cuts and bruises, but I knew those were superficial. I was fine. I would survive.
The first thing my fingers encountered was the book that held the Sakura Cards. It was the source of illumination by which I made out my surroundings--street lamps were at the exact distance where they did no good and the car's headlights, still shining, were pointed in the wrong direction. I hugged the book to my chest and rolled over onto my back. I wasn't ready to sit up yet.
I was startled when I looked to my other side and saw Syaoran laying there. He looked shocked, surprised by something, and he was looking right at me. I smiled reassuringly and reached for his hand, twining my fingers through his, but his hand was ice cold and his fingers were stiff. I was distracted from my thoughts as I heard his watch beeping the hour--something that had always annoyed me in the beginning of our marriage when I was trying to sleep and that had awoken me every hour. It was amazing how fast I got used to it though, and how comforting I found the sound some nights.
I glanced at my watch and saw that both hands were pointing upward. I frowned, thinking that it wasn't right that it should be so late already. And yet--it had been such a long evening. Dinner with Onii-chan and Yukito-san, then a movie after that. We were talking about something...about what to do tomorrow, I think...but Yue appeared and said he felt something strange. I realized I felt it too and Syaoran grudgingly admitted that he did as well. It was a full moon though, and Yue looked ready to fall asleep on his feet, so I said we could handle it alone. It had taken a fair bit of driving to pinpoint the feeling, and then--
He wasn't moving. It was while I was replaying the evening's events that I realized that he wasn't blinking, or moving at all.
"Syaoran?"
Nothing. Not a moan or the lightest breath, and his eyes were staring straight into mine. His hand had not moved when I'd taken it. The ice cold was not because we were lying on the ground in the middle of a cold spring storm. It was because--
"No, it can't be."
I carefully sat up, moving closer. His beautifully clear brown eyes did not track me. He did not see me at all. I crawled closer, ignoring the glass shards as they dug into the palm of my right hand and my knees...my left hand held the book protectively. I must not lose the cards. They were the only hope I had.
"Syaoran, wake up." But, that was a stupid thing to say. He couldn't wake up, and I knew it. He would never wake up. He was
Yes, I'd been happy. I couldn't say it though. I couldn't admit it out loud when he was holding me so close, and I was remembering so vividly all the things that hurt so much about losing him.
He sighed. "He makes you happy. Don't deny it, I've seen it with my own eyes. Sure, you have been happy on your own a few times, but you're always happier when Eriol is around." He sounded resigned. Not entirely happy, but not exactly unhappy either.
I nodded slowly, cautiously. "He knows what it's like for me. He understands about the cards, and--"
"And you're falling in love with him."
I stiffened. I couldn't read the emotion in his voice. If I could just see his face--
"It's okay, Sakura. It's what I've been trying for."
"What?"
"Since the moment he came back to Japan for the funeral, I've been trying to get him to be there for you. He wanted that just as much as I did, so it wasn't difficult, but at the picnic when I saw how he could make you laugh and forget all about your pain I knew I wanted nothing more than to see you like that again. Even if it means you're with him."
"If you would rather that I not be around him, I'll do anything you ask of me, even if--"
"Weren't you listening? I just said he makes you happy. That makes me happy. Well, content at least. You don't have to feel lonely if you don't want to, understand? Don't give up your one chance to be almost as happy as you were with me out of some silly sense of guilt. Besides, I've been working too hard at this for too long for you to walk away from it now."
Working too hard, too long? That's when it clicked, how many times in the last half year that Eriol had shown up just when I needed him. Eriol would knock at my door unannounced and say he was just in the neighborhood on those nights when I was at my lowest. Even when I'd been on the balcony, when I'd flown over here--hadn't he said explicitly that I wasn't the one who had woken him?
What if Syaoran--?
"Were you watching when I kissed him?" I blushed bright scarlet, but I had to know.
I heard the ambulance in the distance, and I knew I was running out of time. I had to do something before anyone else saw us, to avoid awkward questions. Syaoran would never forgive me if the next thing he knew I was being questioned about using magic. How many times had he lectured me that "There are just some things most people aren't ready to deal with!" over the years?
The cards were stirring more now, anticipating my request.
"Time."
The card took corporeal form before me, looking like an old man with an hourglass. The scene froze around us, taking on a monochromatic hue that I had grown accustomed to over the years. The card looked at me with sorrowful eyes, even as I felt him sapping my strength. "Mistress, I'm sorry."
"You haven't even tried yet! You have to rewind everything and make it all not happen!"
"It is already past midnight. There is nothing I can do. He is beyond my powers to return to you." Time's words were weary and strained, but not without hope.
"Which card can help me? All of you! Tell me who can help!"
They stirred, but none came forward. Every second I held the scene frozen from outside intrusion drained me further, and I was already injured. I had to hurry, so their hesitation was hardly welcome.
"Return! You can bring me back to yesterday! Take me back, and I'll tell myself not to go out! Please." Return slowly took form in addition to Time, and the world wavered around me. It was a mistake to have both of these cards active at the same time, but I wasn't rational. Somehow, I willed the darkness away and pushed back my weariness. "Help me!"
The two cards exchanged a look, and then Return shook his head sorrowfully. "I can let you see yesterday, but to change it? No."
"You have to! Please! This is Syaoran, I can't just let him die!"
Time took a step closer. "He is already dead."
"NO!"
"The consequences could be catastrophic, Mistress." Return was trying so hard, but I could not listen. I could not give up hope even as my vision grew dark and fuzzy at the edges, and their voices were coming at me from a greater and greater distance over the ringing in my ears.
"There is no consequence greater than losing the man I love."
"I cannot do what you command."
There was a long silence. He finally said, in a rather choked voice, "I was there."
It was exactly as I'd feared. And yet, if he was there, and he'd seen me do that, and this is still what he wanted, how could I refuse? It was so strange that I could feel relief and guilt in equal measure like this. He had seen me at my weakest, when I turned to someone else, and he still loved me. He still held me in his arms and watched over me and wanted me to be happy.
There were no words.
"I can't stay here much longer," Syaoran whispered in my ear. "I can't tell you what to do with your life, but please listen to me. If you had been the one to die, and I was the one left behind, what would you do? What would you want me to do? How could I do any less, when I know how loving and generous you are? It would be selfish of me to want to keep you from the rest of your life. I'm in no condition to be selfish."
Tears were racing each other down my cheeks, and I felt unworthy of his generousness. I didn't know what I would chose in the same situation, so how could he tell me he would do no less than I would? What if I was selfish? I didn't think I would be, but I didn't know.
"He irritated me so much," he went on in a wistful tone. "He was so mature, and suave, and he knew so much. He had all the things I was still struggling for, from the very first time he showed up in Tomoeda. You know all that, you were there. He was too good, and I couldn't compete. I was always afraid, deep down inside, that I would have to, and I would lose. Until the day you and I got married, I was afraid you'd measure me against his standards and find me lacking.
"Now, I can think of no one else I'd rather see you with. I can't think of anyone else who is worthy of you, if I can't have you. More than anything, I'm thankful for the time we did have, for the time I had you for my wife."
"I'm so lucky to have known you at all," I said softly. "I always thought I was the one who didn't deserve you. I still think so, especially now. You've done so much for me."
"I wish I could do more."
Before I would have passed out again, the cards withdrew. I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open, let alone protest. As the effects of Time were released I heard the warbling scream of the siren grow closer and I saw movement from the opposite direction out of the corner of my eye.
"Sakura!"
Yue was there, carrying Onii-chan and looking paler than he had been earlier. He was reflecting my suffering and magic use. I could see it in his eyes that he knew what had happened.
"No!" I tried to scream it, but my protest sounded so weak. I was on my hands and knees, close enough to be kneeling in what was now revealed to me to be a wash of blood. I looked up, too stunned to cry, and I watched as Yue became Yukito before the ambulance actually arrived. He rushed forward, but he looked sickened by what he saw.
What could he see that I didn't?
"Sakura, don't move," Onii-chan warned me as he came closer. He looked slightly ill as well, and for some stupid reason I didn't listen to him. I moved closer.
I had to see what was wrong.
From the angle I'd been at, I could not see the top or back of Syaoran's head. I'd just seen his face, and even that had been difficult in the pale light. Where I thought his hair had been, where it should have started, was the beginning of a ragged wound. A massive tangle of blood, hair, bone, and other things were visible as the headlights swept over the area. I could see it all, and thought with some detachment that he must have curled up somehow before he was thrown through the windshield. He clearly landed on his head...on the ground was evidence of that. Blood was still pouring out. Tissue everywhere. What was I feeling, what was I seeing? What exactly had my hands been in? What was seeping through the fabric of my pants?
I screamed.
Somewhere inside me, I had never stopped screaming.
I'm not sure how, but I found it within myself to give a weak laugh. "I wish you could do more too, if only so that you wouldn't be dead anymore."
His hands slid down from my eyes, caressing my cheeks, then came to rest on my shoulders. He chuckled and then kissed my cheek lightly. It was so real I could almost smell his aftershave, and I swear I felt the beginning of raspy stubble on his chin. My heart skipped a beat and I leaned closer to him, wanting to feel more and more.
"I love you so much," he whispered. "So much more than I could ever find the words for."
I had to do it. I had to try. I needed to see him one more time no matter what he said, now that he wasn't guarding my eyes.
I turned quickly, suddenly. Maybe if I caught him by surprise--
For a second I saw something dark, like a shadow hanging in midair. Before I could blink or try to focus my eyes it faded to nothing, and I felt a blast of freezing air. The room was cold for a minute, long enough to notice I could see my breath. Then there was nothing. No touch, no shadow, no strange feeling, no unnatural cold, and no words.
I'd been warned.
Still, I'd had to try.
"I love you too," I whispered. "I miss you."
The room remained still.