Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto. Period.
A note before it starts: First, I don't even have an excuse why I wrote this. Second, there will naturally be spoilers. What's in existent in the manga as of now is pretty much fair game. Third, I usually choose a higher rating than necessary. Fourth, I'm just having fun. Be warned.
Chapter One: The Village of Lions (and Lionesses)
Uzumaki Naruto, wide whiskered grin and orange attire flashing in the sunlight, bounded on the dirt road bound to the town of Shishio with the energy of three 170 feet waterfalls and the din of five. He was tallest in team 7 now, and, being all arms and legs, was more dizzying than ever before.
"Sensei, sensei, sensei," he crowed. "Can we stop for lunch now? Please? Pretty please? We've been walking for five hours already–and that's after two hours of morning exercises. I'm hungry, I'm hungry!"
"Shut up, Naruto," said the only female member of our group. "Last time you complained, he took your obento, and you had to beg scraps from us, remember?"
Haruno Sakura. She didn't turn out quite so bad, pretty green eyes and infectious smile taking eyes off her infamous forehead. Her pink hair, flowing to her lower back and glinting in the sunlight, attracted the sight of even her clueless prey. She knew her hair was gorgeous, and she flaunted it, flipping back locks of it from her face with suave, unaffected movements. Honestly, I tried telling her it's a convenient way for the enemy to haul her within range of decapitation, but you know how it is with teenagers: fashion first before functionality.
"Hn," came another comment sarcastically. "Wouldn't be surprised if you sprout extra limbs at the rate you're going, idiot."
A young man appeared between Naruto and the girl. The smug smirk on his face suited the cocky stance. Oddly red eyes trained on the blond mockingly, but the owner said nothing else. A derisive sniff was all, coupled with a careless gesture that beat even the adorable Sakura's. Droplets of water scattered, spattering on the glowering Naruto's face, and with a shaft of sunlight glinting on jet black hair, dazzling all like a star, the newcomer strutted away in satisfaction.
Breathe, people, breathe!
Yes, that's him all right, Sasuke, the sole Uchiha remaining in the Konoha. As if the clan's gene pool pooled their best on the last progeny, that young man happened to be both a genius and an adonis. He fits the cliche of tall, dark, and dead–er, handsome, pretty well. Several foreign "bingo" books at least mentions his name and his sharingan, proof of his rising importance in world of the shinobi. As for his personality... well, as his teacher, I'd have to concede it does need some tweaking.
"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, SASUKE?!"
"I see. Haven't figure it out yet, as usual."
"WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS WHY GET ME ALL WET, DAMMIT!"
"Tell him, Sakura. All this time with morons dehydrate me."
"WHY YOU–!"
"Naruto..." interrupted Sakura. "SHUT UP!"
"Hey–!"
"Obviously, Kakashi-sensei gave him an order without us noticing. Will you tell us what you did, Sasuke-kun?"
"Heh. You also dehydrate me."
Okay, so his emotional intelligence does need more than a little tweaking.
I suppose you noticed that our team is a little louder than the average ninja. Since they were all progressing well in terms of the three ninja skills taijutsu, genjutsu, and ninjutsu, I decided to rectify this certain problem now, as well as hone their concentration and attention to detail.
Communication is a key to successful team work. This continuous exercise I set up–you could call it a game–involves my sneaking orders or information to one member of the group. The other two should be able to notice or intercept the exchange, and act on their findings. For example, yesterday at lunch I gave a team member a piece of tissue paper bearing instructions to put ground chilli peppers on his seat mates' ramen. Knowing their own team and the surrounding area, the others should have been alerted of the communication, especially because the napkin holder was easily accessible to the four of us. Failing that, they should have at least noticed their teammate spilling and mixing pepper into their bowls.
Now, Naruto managed to sniff out the extra spiciness of his favorite meal but was too late to warn Sakura; she had to suffer through swollen lips for some time after the momentary surge of fire on her tongue. Needless to say, Sasuke was currently the only one on his toes at this game. Naruto was still too energetic to pay attention, believing I won't do anything that serious, while Sakura was easily distracted by his antics.
That morning, I had casually tried to trip all three with the fishing net (inconspicuously, of course). At least, they all managed to evade that, but only Sasuke caught on and sneaked away when he heard the distinct tinkling of a brook to fish our lunch.
"Here's a clue, moron." Sasuke tossed Naruto some trout stringed together.
Naruto's initial indignation was replaced with amazement. "You actually fished yourself?" he said. "Sensei actually ordered you to fish instead of me?"
"Uh, actually I suggested it to everybody," I interjected.
"Yeah, Naruto," said Sakura in irritation. "Sensei and Sasuke-kun beat us again."
For once, Naruto didn't even care about his rival beating him. After all, he wasn't the one who was cold, wet, and oozing with brook sludge.
"Sasuke fished for lunch today! Sasuke fished for lunch today! Bwahahahahaha!!!"
"Aurgh!" groaned Sakura in frustration. "Let's just build a fire so Sasuke-kun can dry off."
~~~
Nearly an hour later found us all finishing a meal of grilled fish. I decided to give them a respite from our little game, and allowed them to enjoy the day's catch. Also, I noticed Sakura staring at me from the corner of an eye. Even Naruto was sparing me a glance once in a while.
"You know, I still think the best fish we ever caught was that giant shiny thing from two years ago," said Naruto. "Too bad Kakashi-sensei took away such a beauty."
"You idiot," said Sakura, almost perfunctorily. "Silver arawanas are too expensive to eat. They're decorative."
"So what? I caught it."
"Yeah–in the fish pond of that Fire Noble's vacation house!"
"That was a pretty amazing place, huh? When I become Hokage, I wonder if they'd invite me to stay there; I'm sure they won't let me sleep in the kennels again!"
"Speaking of which," Sakura said, turning towards me. "Kakashi-sensei, you haven't really told us anything about the mission we have right now."
Right then, I was reading the second volume of "Sowing Seeds On the Elysian Fields," a new series by Jiraiya-sama. I was getting to the part where, true to the title, the heroine, a young Grass kunoichi, and her– well, never mind that. Regretfully, I tucked the book back into my bag.
"Where are we going, first of all?" Naruto asked.
"The town of Shishio," answered Sasuke. "Two hundred ri from Anyeuri, a major city of the Fire Country."
"Excellent," I said. "Now, explain to your team mates how you came to that conclusion. You can do that even while you're all doing something else, right?"
"This morning, when you were sparring with Sakura, you used the Lion Combo to get out of a tight spot. You didn't have to. She was open on the upper left corner and a blow there would have locked the fight on a stasis. Plus, you could have easily blocked her attack."
"Yeah, I thought that was weird, too," said Naruto. "We all know sensei's a tightwad when it comes to energy, and he's always preaching about assessing the fight and using the right moves and efficiency and all that. I thought he just went for it 'coz it's unpredictable, being your move and all that. What's the point, though?"
"Oh, I see," said Sakura then. "Shishi Rendan. Shishio. Same kanji. Sasuke-kun figured it out when he saw which route we took, and since Shishio is one of the towns we would potentially hit using this path..." She nodded in understanding. "Honestly, though, I didn't even know I was open when we were practicing taijutsu this morning."
"You blocked the combo, anyway," I assured her. "But it's still Sasuke on the lead in this game, you two. Anyone care for another fish?"
"Bah!" said Naruto. "And there's no fish left, sensei. Just tell us about the mission. You were late again this morning, that's why we ran out time for briefing. Pervy sennin got you drunk last night, didn't he?"
I didn't get that drunk. Besides, it was the Godaime who got me drunk, not Jiraiya. "Naruto," I said with a sigh. "Are you planning on listening at all? Anyway, this is a class B mission. As already said, we are going to Shishio. We are going to be escorting the youngest daughter of an important noble to their estate in Anyeuri city."
"Oh, wow," said Naruto. "A princess, finally! Is it an assassination attempt? What?"
"But we genins aren't usually given B-class missions," said Sakura.
I scratched my head. "Actually, this is supposed to be only a class C mission. You're right, Naruto. It does involve an assassination attempt, and in a way Laya-sama is a princess. However, she's a very minor noble, and the assassination plots found days ago were actually against her uncle. Apparently, her father dotes on her, she being thirteen years younger than the previous child."
"Ach! A kid," Naruto said in disappointment. "So her father just wants to make sure, right?"
"Right. But he insisted on paying for an A class mission. After haggling for a while, the village managed to make him agree to a B-class mission rating. However, it's still a waste of manpower to send chuunin to this mission, so they decided to send us."
"That's kinda deflating," muttered Sakura.
"The Godaime trusted you for this job; that's honor enough." I slapped her on the back. "Anyway, don't just dismiss this as an easy mission. Nothing is ever fully predictable. Besides, there are several important things I want you all to remember. First of all, it is very important for us to remain unseen."
Sasuke snorted. "As applicable to all shinobi. Better take notes, Naruto."
"Shaddap!" replied the other.
"It's also very important for us not to be so sneaky."
"Eeeh?" Naruto frowned at me. "That sounded stupid, kinda."
"The Kila family doesn't want to alert their enemies of their knowledge of this assassination plans," I explained. "The other reason why genins were picked for this mission, is that the family wanted ninjas who weren't too high profile (in the ninja world, of course). Assassins would probably be shinobi and could possibly recognize mobilization of hired protection. With you genins and one lone sensei being sent to protect the princess, it would seem like the ordinary escort for protection against roving bandits. Their enemy would have no reason to suspect the Kila family then."
"Oh, I see."
"The taijutsu exercises this morning was a refresher of sorts. I'd like you to lay off high level ninjutsu–or anything high level for that matter. Stick to what's expected from genins. Do we understand each other? Sasuke? Naruto?"
"Yes, sensei," replied the latter, blue eyes serious.
"What's the second thing?" asked Sasuke as he nodded.
"The second thing is, the princess might be a little, uh, hard to handle."
"So what else is new?" groaned Naruto.
"Baby-sitting," agreed Sakura.
"Well, try to be tolerant of her whims and idiosyncrasies. Give her what she wants, as long as nobody's safety is compromised."
"We know, we know," said Sakura glumly. "The reputation-- therefore the safety–of our village is at stake."
"Perfect," I said, business-like, rising to my feet. "Now, you three would all get ten laps for punishment when we get home. You all know enough how important speed is, and you're all lolling about like in a picnic. None of you took my hints to start cleaning up, either. And you, Naruto--I feel like I have fish lips, pointing at your mess with my pursed mouth. Sheesh, I wasn't even testing you guys."
"I got the hint," muttered Sasuke. "But you won't get me twice in one day."
"Oh? Want an extra 40 for laziness?"
~~~~
"There's too much... space."
Naruto sounded somewhat offended. The town of Shishio was definitely arranged differently from the village of the Leafs. Unlike the pleasantly snug arrangement of buildings at home, houses here are placed far apart, have spacious lawns, and are sometimes fenced in. He was probably impressed, too, at the enormous garden we had to cross to reach the front door of the mansion–Konohagakure village could fit there in a squeeze.
"A waste," Sasuke agreed.
"But it's beautiful, all the same," said Sakura, breathless. "And this mansion... It's even bigger than the Hyuga's."
The door opened before any of us pressed the doorbell. A stiff looking fellow led us in. I heard my students suppress their respective reactions on seeing the elegant landing. "Laya-sama is awaiting you," he said. "Please follow me."
We were lead up the marble staircase, our travel-weary (and soiled) feet treading on the expensive carpet.. All three were rapt in wonder and were silent–even the irrepressible Naruto. I must admit, even I had to whistle once or twice. Several halls later, we reached what appeared to be an office, a sign outside the door announcing its duties.
"Servant Registration?" I saw Sakura mouth. Beside her, Sasuke shrugged.
The inside of the office didn't look like one at all. A divan was found beside one window, overlooking a small garden surrounded by hedges. Reclined there, in a position only Jiraiya-sama's description could do justice to, was one of the most beautiful woman I've ever met–and trust me, I've met many of them. Her curvaceous body was full and lush in the rich red of her brocaded gown. Black hair, if possible, even darker than Sasuke's, flowed dead straight from her stately head, shining and reflecting like a still pond. Eloquent brown eyes studied us as we approached.
"Welcome," a quiet, mellifluous voice issued forth from those sensuous red lips. "I trust your journey had been safe and uneventful."
"It was, my lady," I answered, bowing respectfully.
That gorgeous mouth curved with pleasure. "Charming, you are," she said. "And sporting a mask, too. How mysterious."
Her gaze turned to Naruto.
"Such pretty blue eyes," she said judiciously. "You're quite a handsome fellow, you know–in a bright, boyish sort of way. And hungry, too, I'd wager. What is your name, boy?"
Naruto was obviously pleased that he was noticed. "Uzumaki Naruto, miss," he said, proudly beaming.
"Naruto-kun, feel free to tell these gentlemen what you'd like to eat for dinner."
"Gee, thanks! You won't have to ask me twice. Uh... What about you? What's your name, miss?"
The smile that crept to her face was of amusement. She rose from her seat gracefully and bowed in a manner befitting her rank. "I am Kila Laya, your hostess."
"Ah, you're the princess." Naruto threw back his shoulders, arms akimbo. "Don't you worry, we'll protect you!"
She bowed again. "My life is in your hands, then, my champion." Her eyes went next to Sasuke. "Oh my..."
Poor Naruto forgotten, Laya-sama approached the dark-haired young man. "How intriguing," she murmured, a lacquered finger coming to rest on her chin.
Sasuke boldly returned her examining stare. "Is there something on my face?" he asked, thankfully without venom in his voice.
"Oh, nothing most people don't," she replied nonchalantly. "But I have to say your face is definitely more beautiful than most. If the presents I get from my suitors are half as interesting as you, dark one, I'd certainly be more attentive and more eager to unwrap them."
"..."
She sighed, and such pretty little sigh it was. "Let's forget about such foul topics. At any rate, I'm glad you honor my house with your presence, pretty boy." She winked at him surreptitiously before pivoting to glide out of the room. I noticed she ignored Sakura's presence–the girl noticed it, too.
"We are glad to be of service, lady," I answered for Sasuke before Sakura could.
Laya-sama gave a queenly nod. "Chuchu-san, please minister to my guests."
"As you command, lady," said an official-looking person at the opposite end of the room. He approached us, took us all in one glance, and bowed. "Sirs, I shall make no attempt to use euphemisms. The questions I will ask are frank and concise and anatomically correct. Please spare me the courtesy to answer truthfully."
I nodded. Dueling with long, convoluted sentences was a formality in these parts that could last hours. I figured the less flatteries exchanged, the less undiscussed expectations, the clearer the agreements.
"Very well. Will the gentlemen be so kind as to each disclose the length and diameter of their penises?"
TBC...
~Friday, January 16, 2004 (1:52am)
edited: January 16, 2004 (9:06pm)
Woosh! Chapter one done. =) What a pervy butler... Kya!!
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EDIT: I'm sorry, Naruto-kun! I spelled your name wrong (among other things). T-T Anyhow, thanks to Midnightcrow for the heads up. ^_^ -030304