The Devil and Jimmy Neutron

by Gary D. Snyder

Part 3:

When Cindy got back to the classroom she was surprised to find that Miss Fowl was not present and that Principal Willoughby was waiting there instead. After all the students had arrived and were seated he began to speak.

"Class," he said, "I'm afraid that your teacher Miss Fowl has come down with an unexpected case of laryngitis and has had to go home early today. Since it's too late to find a substitute teacher, the thing to do would be to send you home early…" At the mention of going home early all the students began to cheer. Principal Willoughby allowed this to go on for about 5 seconds and then waved his arms to quiet the exuberant students. When the tumult subsided he continued. "…but rather than compromise your academic futures I decided that I would fill in for her instead." This announcement brought a collective groan. "Now, I don't know what Miss Fowl had in her lesson plan for today, " the prinicpal went on, "but as we educators like to say, 'When in doubt, pull the pop quiz out'. So everyone please pull out a sheet of paper and pencil, write your name and today's date on the top, and number the paper from 1 to 5."

With some grumbling the students complied and waited for the quiz to begin. Before the quiz could begin, however, Jimmy raised his hand. "Principal Willoughby," he said, "if you don't know what Miss Fowl was covering how do you know what to quiz us on?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Principal Willoughby replied. "This quiz is a general-purpose quiz. I'm sure you'll all do very well on it. Any other questions before we begin?" There were none. "All right then. You'll all have one minute to write you answer to each question. Ready? Here we go.

"Question #1. What English word is most often spelled incorrectly?

"Question #2. How many times can you subtract 3 from 12?

"Question #3. What are the four new states in the Union?

"Question #4. How much dirt is in a hole 1.5 feet wide by 1.2 feet long by 1.75 feet deep?

"Question #5. Which month of the year has 28 days?"

Once the quiz was completed Principal Willoughby collected the papers and graded them while having the students study their recitations for the next day. Cindy already knew her piece for tomorrow and instead passed the time wondering when she would have the experience of seeing Jimmy humiliated. At this point she almost believed that her conversation with Lou had been a daydream and that the contract she had signed had been totally imaginary. She was startled from her reverie by Principal Willoughby's voice announcing the results of the quiz.

"Congratulations, Cindy!" he was saying. "You had a perfect score. Well done! And the rest of the class also did very well…except, I'm sorry to say, one student."

Carl hung his head. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh no, no, no, no!" Principal Willoughby assured him. "You actually got 80% on the quiz. No, I'm afraid that Jimmy was the one who got every one of the answers wrong."

"What?!" Jimmy exclaimed.

"I'm afraid it's true," the principal said. "Question 1 asked which English word is most often spelled incorrectly. And you answered –"

"I answered, that, based on frequency of word usage in combination with homonymic variations, the English word most often spelled incorrectly was 'too', as it is often spelled 'to'," Jimmy replied.

"Yes, well, actually, the English word most often spelled 'incorrectly' is actually 'incorrectly'."

Jimmy was stunned. "Is that what that question was about?"

"Yes it was. Now, for the second question, you said that 3 could be subtracted from 12 4 times."

"Because it can!"

"No, it can't, because after you subtract the first 3 the number is 9 and not 12 any more. The correct answer is that 3 can only be subtracted once from 12."

Jimmy tried to respond to this, but couldn't seem to get anything out other than "But –"

Principal Willoughby continued. "Now, for the four new states you answered, 'New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii'. I'm afraid that's only partly correct. The four new states are actually New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, and New York."

Jimmy continued to listen, dumbfounded.

"And the amount of dirt in a hole 1.2 feet by 1.5 feet by 1.75 feet is not 3.15 cubic feet, as you answered. There is no dirt in any hole of any size. And finally, " Principal Willoughby concluded, "although it is true that only February has exactly 28 days, every other month of the year has 28 days as well."

"Yeah, Neutron," said Butch "Even I know that!" He began laughing, joined in by all the other students in the class.

Principal Willoughby shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. I would never have believed it, but it appears that Cindy has the high score for the quiz and that you have the lowest."

"But…but…" Jimmy stammered, "…those are all trick questions!"

"No one else in class seemed to have any problems with them," replied the principal. "And remember, Jimmy, sometimes it's not what's said that's important. It's what's left unsaid that really matters."

Jimmy hung his head, his ears burning from the laughter of the other students. "How humiliating," he muttered, just loud enough for Cindy to hear.

Cindy had gotten her wish.

End of Part 3.