A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! Please, keep them coming!
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Two: I'm An Ordinary Man
The journey from Dol Amroth was a long one for Hallahiriel. Boromir refused to let her ride with him so she sat squeezed between the luggage and Faramir on nearly the tail end of the horse. Faramir led her through the door as Boromir lagged fitfully behind. A small, older woman approached, wiping her hands dry on her apron. Her graying hair was pulled back neatly and she was adorned in an exquisite, simple maroon dress.
"Good day, masters! How wonderful to have you home!"
Faramir smiled warmly at her; "It's good to be home, Corerith!"
Boromir nodded in agreement, "Never have I heard a more true statement. Dol Amroth was fine with the exception of our lodgings. We have a perfect specimen of the sort of scruff there that has tagged along."
Corerith turned her attention to the girl, who looked quite rumpled. Corerith smiled mildly, "Who is this?"
Hallahiriel smiled in return, "Me name is Hallahiriel, I'm a barmaid at the Finicky Fief. Master Boromir's gonna teach me to be a proper lady, 'e is."
The woman put her hands on her hips and turned to Boromir; "Surely she's joking. You know nothing of women, let alone how to teach someone to be one. Besides, it is improper to bring such a common girl here and fill her head with such promises and wild ideas. We have no place to keep her."
Boromir smiled playfully, "No worries, she'll sleep with the hunting hounds."
Hallahiriel's eyes snapped shut and her fists clenched in frustration, "Awww-Oooh-Ooo!"
Corerith clasped her hand over the girl's mouth and spoke sternly, "Sush, you silly thing. We have no need for such noises here."
Hallahiriel's face fell as the woman removed her hand; "I want to be a lady, is all."
Faramir smiled in a comforting manner, "Corerith, please take Hallahiriel to the bath, clean her thoroughly and then help her choose a new wardrobe."
Corerith shook her head, "But Master Faramir, what about her parents?"
Hallahiriel turned scornful; "I ain't got any. Not worth mentionin', they are."
Corerith placed a finger beneath the girl's chin, "How old are you, girl?"
Hallahiriel stood proud, "I'm twen'ny three, and I'm a good girl I am."
The older woman turned to the two men, "What if she's married?"
Hallahiriel blushed and chuckled, "Gooooooon."
Boromir shook his head, "A new sound."
The girl continued to chuckle loudly, "Who'd wanna marry me?"
Boromir smiled, "Why, Hallahiriel, when I'm through with you, men will be throwing their noble selves from all corners of Middle-Earth just to earn a bit of your attention. You'll have to beat them off from every angle. Offers of marriage will become a commonplace thing and so will the finest jewels and gowns. You'll be able to swim in them."
Hallahiriel looked terribly frightened, "Yeh've gone mad you 'ave. I don't want no men thowin' themselves at me! I wanna go back to Dol Amroth, yeh hear!"
Boromir held her at arm length, "Come now, girl. You shouldn't turn down our generous offer. Live here with clean clothes, baths, clean sheets, and good food. If you did, you would surely be the most ungrateful scalawag ever to grace Middle-Earth. Hallahiriel, you will live here for six months. You will learn manners and you will learn to speak the proper language flawlessly. If you behave you will be rewarded with fine garments and other pretty things. If you are naughty, Corerith has permission to lock you in the dungeons. At the end of the six months, we shall take you to a dinner at Prince Imrahil's. If he fails to see the Princess, and only the barmaid-he will expose you for what you really are and then lead you to the tower and rid you of your head. He will mount your head an a pole to warn other barmaids from ever attempting the same feat."
Faramir stepped to his brother, "Why must you scare the poor girl with lies? Hallahiriel, no such thing will ever happen to you, I won't allow it."
Hallahiriel gave him a thankful grin, "Yeh're a right fine gentleman, Cappin' Faramir."
Boromir nodded to Corerith, "Scrub her completely clean, burn the clothes she's wearing and find her new ones. Then you may show her the quarters."
Corerith led Hallahiriel gently by the wrist and up the stairs. Hallahiriel looked disdainfully at Boromir, wanting nothing more than to pull out his reddish-chin length hair.
~~
As evening approached, Faramir and Boromir lounged by the hearth in large chairs. Corerith had been on her task for nearly three hours and many yells and kicks could be heard from the general direction of the bath. Suddenly, with tiredness worn on her face, Corerith emerged at the top of the stairs. Upon hearing her footsteps, Boromir and Faramir turned to meet the sight of Hallahiriel freshly scrubbed and radiant descending down the stairs.
They both rose to their feet, as the once-filthily girl approached them. Hallahiriel wore a simple cream colored dress tied about the waist with a deep blue sash. Her skin, still pink from the rigorous bathing, shone pale and fair. However, Faramir was most astonished by her hair, for it was not the color of brass; but a rich coppery gold. It fell in soft waves over her shoulders and framed her round face that looked curiously at them.
As her grey-blue eyes prodded them anxiously, Faramir thought he heard his brother's breathing stop.
Faramir seized the moment, "What a spectacular transformation! You look every bit of the lady, Hallahiriel."
The girl gave him a toothy grin and laughed loudly, "That I do, don' I. I thank yeh greatly!"
Boromir smiled in spite of himself, "Looks like a lady, yes. Sounds like a lady, no. No worries, Halla. You soon shall. We start lessons tomorrow. It will be long and arduous, no doubt. Go to bed fair guttersnipe, we have much work to do."
Hallahiriel grunted in disgust at Boromir, but ultimately felt too tired to fight. She nodded gently and then trudged up to her quarters.
~~
A/N: Next chapter-Hallahiriel's father comes for money, lessons drive Halla mad, and Boromir shows the side we all know and love. This is different, fusing two well-known stories with original characters. I pray that I am doing them both justice.
While you wait for my next chappie-try reading my two other stories "A Sorta Fairytale" and "Judgement of the Moon and Stars."
Thanks! Please read and review!
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Two: I'm An Ordinary Man
The journey from Dol Amroth was a long one for Hallahiriel. Boromir refused to let her ride with him so she sat squeezed between the luggage and Faramir on nearly the tail end of the horse. Faramir led her through the door as Boromir lagged fitfully behind. A small, older woman approached, wiping her hands dry on her apron. Her graying hair was pulled back neatly and she was adorned in an exquisite, simple maroon dress.
"Good day, masters! How wonderful to have you home!"
Faramir smiled warmly at her; "It's good to be home, Corerith!"
Boromir nodded in agreement, "Never have I heard a more true statement. Dol Amroth was fine with the exception of our lodgings. We have a perfect specimen of the sort of scruff there that has tagged along."
Corerith turned her attention to the girl, who looked quite rumpled. Corerith smiled mildly, "Who is this?"
Hallahiriel smiled in return, "Me name is Hallahiriel, I'm a barmaid at the Finicky Fief. Master Boromir's gonna teach me to be a proper lady, 'e is."
The woman put her hands on her hips and turned to Boromir; "Surely she's joking. You know nothing of women, let alone how to teach someone to be one. Besides, it is improper to bring such a common girl here and fill her head with such promises and wild ideas. We have no place to keep her."
Boromir smiled playfully, "No worries, she'll sleep with the hunting hounds."
Hallahiriel's eyes snapped shut and her fists clenched in frustration, "Awww-Oooh-Ooo!"
Corerith clasped her hand over the girl's mouth and spoke sternly, "Sush, you silly thing. We have no need for such noises here."
Hallahiriel's face fell as the woman removed her hand; "I want to be a lady, is all."
Faramir smiled in a comforting manner, "Corerith, please take Hallahiriel to the bath, clean her thoroughly and then help her choose a new wardrobe."
Corerith shook her head, "But Master Faramir, what about her parents?"
Hallahiriel turned scornful; "I ain't got any. Not worth mentionin', they are."
Corerith placed a finger beneath the girl's chin, "How old are you, girl?"
Hallahiriel stood proud, "I'm twen'ny three, and I'm a good girl I am."
The older woman turned to the two men, "What if she's married?"
Hallahiriel blushed and chuckled, "Gooooooon."
Boromir shook his head, "A new sound."
The girl continued to chuckle loudly, "Who'd wanna marry me?"
Boromir smiled, "Why, Hallahiriel, when I'm through with you, men will be throwing their noble selves from all corners of Middle-Earth just to earn a bit of your attention. You'll have to beat them off from every angle. Offers of marriage will become a commonplace thing and so will the finest jewels and gowns. You'll be able to swim in them."
Hallahiriel looked terribly frightened, "Yeh've gone mad you 'ave. I don't want no men thowin' themselves at me! I wanna go back to Dol Amroth, yeh hear!"
Boromir held her at arm length, "Come now, girl. You shouldn't turn down our generous offer. Live here with clean clothes, baths, clean sheets, and good food. If you did, you would surely be the most ungrateful scalawag ever to grace Middle-Earth. Hallahiriel, you will live here for six months. You will learn manners and you will learn to speak the proper language flawlessly. If you behave you will be rewarded with fine garments and other pretty things. If you are naughty, Corerith has permission to lock you in the dungeons. At the end of the six months, we shall take you to a dinner at Prince Imrahil's. If he fails to see the Princess, and only the barmaid-he will expose you for what you really are and then lead you to the tower and rid you of your head. He will mount your head an a pole to warn other barmaids from ever attempting the same feat."
Faramir stepped to his brother, "Why must you scare the poor girl with lies? Hallahiriel, no such thing will ever happen to you, I won't allow it."
Hallahiriel gave him a thankful grin, "Yeh're a right fine gentleman, Cappin' Faramir."
Boromir nodded to Corerith, "Scrub her completely clean, burn the clothes she's wearing and find her new ones. Then you may show her the quarters."
Corerith led Hallahiriel gently by the wrist and up the stairs. Hallahiriel looked disdainfully at Boromir, wanting nothing more than to pull out his reddish-chin length hair.
~~
As evening approached, Faramir and Boromir lounged by the hearth in large chairs. Corerith had been on her task for nearly three hours and many yells and kicks could be heard from the general direction of the bath. Suddenly, with tiredness worn on her face, Corerith emerged at the top of the stairs. Upon hearing her footsteps, Boromir and Faramir turned to meet the sight of Hallahiriel freshly scrubbed and radiant descending down the stairs.
They both rose to their feet, as the once-filthily girl approached them. Hallahiriel wore a simple cream colored dress tied about the waist with a deep blue sash. Her skin, still pink from the rigorous bathing, shone pale and fair. However, Faramir was most astonished by her hair, for it was not the color of brass; but a rich coppery gold. It fell in soft waves over her shoulders and framed her round face that looked curiously at them.
As her grey-blue eyes prodded them anxiously, Faramir thought he heard his brother's breathing stop.
Faramir seized the moment, "What a spectacular transformation! You look every bit of the lady, Hallahiriel."
The girl gave him a toothy grin and laughed loudly, "That I do, don' I. I thank yeh greatly!"
Boromir smiled in spite of himself, "Looks like a lady, yes. Sounds like a lady, no. No worries, Halla. You soon shall. We start lessons tomorrow. It will be long and arduous, no doubt. Go to bed fair guttersnipe, we have much work to do."
Hallahiriel grunted in disgust at Boromir, but ultimately felt too tired to fight. She nodded gently and then trudged up to her quarters.
~~
A/N: Next chapter-Hallahiriel's father comes for money, lessons drive Halla mad, and Boromir shows the side we all know and love. This is different, fusing two well-known stories with original characters. I pray that I am doing them both justice.
While you wait for my next chappie-try reading my two other stories "A Sorta Fairytale" and "Judgement of the Moon and Stars."
Thanks! Please read and review!