A/N: I Heart Reviews! I hope everyone continues to read this story and
enjoy it!
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Three: With a Little Bit of Luck
"But I'm tired! I'm tired! I can' do it no more!"
It was closing in on midnight and Hallahiriel was shouting at Boromir at the top of her lungs. Boromir had a frustrated look on his face, "It's 'I cannot do it ANY more.' When will you start opening your ears, you blasted girl?"
Hallahiriel rubbed her eyes wearily and yawned. Boromir fell down on an accompanying chair and rubbed the tension from his forehead. It had been a long week for them both. He looked to the girl and saw her falling asleep sitting up; her reddish hair pulled back with a cloth ribbon that matched her deep green dress. Corerith had done a great deal of work, keeping this girl clean and well groomed.
Boromir chuckled and then said sternly, "Alright, alright. We are finished for the evening. However, I expect to see you first thing in the morning and we will start exactly where we left off. It would be in your best interest to work hard tomorrow and make some progress, or else I will be in a foul mood indeed."
Hallahiriel nodded, sleep still beckoning to her. She rose quietly and walked to her quarters, leaving Boromir in his chair and alone with his thoughts.
~~
The next morning, Faramir greeted Boromir in the hall, "Good morning brother. How are the lessons coming?"
Boromir sighed, "She must be daft. She has shown no progress. I honestly think that she has learned nothing."
Faramir laughed, "She sounded quite frustrated with you as well last night. I could hear her in my quarters."
Boromir grimaced, "Don't remind me. That sound and tone is the stuff of nightmares."
Suddenly, a guard emerged at the door and approached the brothers, "Lord Boromir, there is a man here to see you. Says his name is Gweddyn and that you have kidnapped his daughter."
Boromir turned to Faramir and then turned back to the guard, "Show him in."
A few minutes later, the guard came back, leading an older man with an intolerable scowl on his face. He was short, stout and had a mass of filthy gray hair. As he walked toward Boromir and Faramir, he began to yell at the top of his lungs.
"Wha' 'ave yeh scoundrels done with me daughter?"
Boromir kept a calm look on his face, "And who are you, sir?"
The man's face flushed in anger, "Me name is Gweddyn. I 'ave come from Dol Amroth to take back me daughter, I 'ave."
Faramir looked perplexed, "What is your daughters name?"
Gweddyn scowled so deeply that the lines in his face soon became creases, "Hallahiriel. Tha' blasted girl 'as walked out of me Inn and left me short a barmaid."
Boromir turned to his brother, "The girl said that she didn't have any parents, correct?"
Faramir smiled at him matter-of-factly, "Actually, after she said that she followed with 'they're not worth mentioning'."
Gweddyn looked wounded and cried rather over-dramatically; "Me own daughter spoke such words against me?"
Boromir shot back, "Does she have a reason to?"
Gweddyn paced infront of the great hearth, "Well she always 'ad a bit o' a spat with 'er step mother she did. Come to think, she never really cared for me habits either."
Faramir raised a curious eyebrow, "And what habits might you have?"
The man scratched his head, "Wine, women and song."
Faramir looked unsurprised, "Oh."
Gweddyn gave a hostile look, "And wha' may I ask would yeh fine gentlemen find so interestin' bout Hallahiriel?"
Boromir scowled, "And what are you implying, Gweddyn? That we have some sort of sordid and ill-purposes for your daughter?"
Gweddyn shook his head, "Oh no, my lord. But I'm just askin' as a father. If she is goin' to marry yeh-I'd be losin' a fine worker."
Faramir stifled a laugh and Boromir gave the older man a look of disgust, "Marry her? Heavens, no. So you came for riches, did you?"
Faramir turned angry, "You want us to PAY you for your daughter? You want to sell her to us? Have you no morals?"
Boromir sighed, "No wonder you weren't worth mentioning. Fine, if paying you is the way to let Hallahiriel stay, then so be it. However-"
Before he could finish, Hallahiriel and Corerith descended down the stairs. Hallahiriel wore a deep blue dress and her wavy hair was tied back. As she caught sight of who was standing in the hall, her face contorted to that of anger.
Gweddyn looked at her and smiled, "Hello ladies, me name is Gweddyn."
Hallahiriel's face burned a deep scarlet, "Don't yeh recognize yeh're own daughter? Yeh despicable drunkard!"
Her father laughed heartily and then gave her a yellowed smile, "Why Halla! Look at yeh! Yeh clean up right well!"
Hallahiriel fumed, "Wha' are yeh doin' 'ere?"
Gweddyn gave her a squeeze and she recoiled, "Wha' pumpkin?"
She stomped her foot, "Pumpkin indeed! And don' yeh dare soil me good dress! I said wha' are yeh doin' 'ere?"
He sighed, "Well, yeh're step mother and I were worried. Yeh came up missin' and all. Then we found out tha' yeh'd gone off with two men-"
Hallahiriel looked to Boromir and Faramir and then back to her father, "O' I see. Yeh came 'ere to take them for somethin', eh? Another one of yeh're swindles? It ain't happenin' this time so yeh can just go back to that woman of yehr's. Yeh ain't getting' nothin' from them or from me."
Boromir smiled broadly, "Well put Halla! Now, Gweddyn my friend. You heard what you're daughter wishes. Do be a reasonable man and do what she wishes."
Gweddyn looked downtrodden, "Me own daughter."
Faramir stepped forward to the guard, "Please show this man out and give him what he needs for the journey back to Dol Amroth."
The guard looked pleased as he took Gweddyn by the shoulder and led him out. Hallahiriel still clenched her fists in anger as Boromir gave her an odd look, "Well?"
Hallahiriel cocked her head, "Wha'?"
Boromir said sternly, "Back to work. It's time to practice."
Hallahiriel looked dumfounded, "But-"
Faramir placed a hand on her shoulder and looked at his brother, "Come now, Boromir. Have some pity on her-"
Boromir laughed, "That is the last thing she needs, brother. What she needs is practice. Faramir, you stop that right this minute."
Faramir looked shocked, "Stop what?"
"Being nice to her. You'll become her sympathetic ear and she'll use it to turn you against me."
Hallahiriel cried, "Awww-Oooo! I'd do no such thing. I'm a good girl I am! Yeh've got no heart!"
Boromir stopped for a moment. Is that how she saw him? Heartless? He thought himself to be far from it. He shook off the thought and looked at her plainly, "Come now. We've got work to accomplish."
~~
A/N: Next up: By George I think Halla's got it! Boromir and Faramir take her to one of their father's banquets and she snares a suitor.
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Three: With a Little Bit of Luck
"But I'm tired! I'm tired! I can' do it no more!"
It was closing in on midnight and Hallahiriel was shouting at Boromir at the top of her lungs. Boromir had a frustrated look on his face, "It's 'I cannot do it ANY more.' When will you start opening your ears, you blasted girl?"
Hallahiriel rubbed her eyes wearily and yawned. Boromir fell down on an accompanying chair and rubbed the tension from his forehead. It had been a long week for them both. He looked to the girl and saw her falling asleep sitting up; her reddish hair pulled back with a cloth ribbon that matched her deep green dress. Corerith had done a great deal of work, keeping this girl clean and well groomed.
Boromir chuckled and then said sternly, "Alright, alright. We are finished for the evening. However, I expect to see you first thing in the morning and we will start exactly where we left off. It would be in your best interest to work hard tomorrow and make some progress, or else I will be in a foul mood indeed."
Hallahiriel nodded, sleep still beckoning to her. She rose quietly and walked to her quarters, leaving Boromir in his chair and alone with his thoughts.
~~
The next morning, Faramir greeted Boromir in the hall, "Good morning brother. How are the lessons coming?"
Boromir sighed, "She must be daft. She has shown no progress. I honestly think that she has learned nothing."
Faramir laughed, "She sounded quite frustrated with you as well last night. I could hear her in my quarters."
Boromir grimaced, "Don't remind me. That sound and tone is the stuff of nightmares."
Suddenly, a guard emerged at the door and approached the brothers, "Lord Boromir, there is a man here to see you. Says his name is Gweddyn and that you have kidnapped his daughter."
Boromir turned to Faramir and then turned back to the guard, "Show him in."
A few minutes later, the guard came back, leading an older man with an intolerable scowl on his face. He was short, stout and had a mass of filthy gray hair. As he walked toward Boromir and Faramir, he began to yell at the top of his lungs.
"Wha' 'ave yeh scoundrels done with me daughter?"
Boromir kept a calm look on his face, "And who are you, sir?"
The man's face flushed in anger, "Me name is Gweddyn. I 'ave come from Dol Amroth to take back me daughter, I 'ave."
Faramir looked perplexed, "What is your daughters name?"
Gweddyn scowled so deeply that the lines in his face soon became creases, "Hallahiriel. Tha' blasted girl 'as walked out of me Inn and left me short a barmaid."
Boromir turned to his brother, "The girl said that she didn't have any parents, correct?"
Faramir smiled at him matter-of-factly, "Actually, after she said that she followed with 'they're not worth mentioning'."
Gweddyn looked wounded and cried rather over-dramatically; "Me own daughter spoke such words against me?"
Boromir shot back, "Does she have a reason to?"
Gweddyn paced infront of the great hearth, "Well she always 'ad a bit o' a spat with 'er step mother she did. Come to think, she never really cared for me habits either."
Faramir raised a curious eyebrow, "And what habits might you have?"
The man scratched his head, "Wine, women and song."
Faramir looked unsurprised, "Oh."
Gweddyn gave a hostile look, "And wha' may I ask would yeh fine gentlemen find so interestin' bout Hallahiriel?"
Boromir scowled, "And what are you implying, Gweddyn? That we have some sort of sordid and ill-purposes for your daughter?"
Gweddyn shook his head, "Oh no, my lord. But I'm just askin' as a father. If she is goin' to marry yeh-I'd be losin' a fine worker."
Faramir stifled a laugh and Boromir gave the older man a look of disgust, "Marry her? Heavens, no. So you came for riches, did you?"
Faramir turned angry, "You want us to PAY you for your daughter? You want to sell her to us? Have you no morals?"
Boromir sighed, "No wonder you weren't worth mentioning. Fine, if paying you is the way to let Hallahiriel stay, then so be it. However-"
Before he could finish, Hallahiriel and Corerith descended down the stairs. Hallahiriel wore a deep blue dress and her wavy hair was tied back. As she caught sight of who was standing in the hall, her face contorted to that of anger.
Gweddyn looked at her and smiled, "Hello ladies, me name is Gweddyn."
Hallahiriel's face burned a deep scarlet, "Don't yeh recognize yeh're own daughter? Yeh despicable drunkard!"
Her father laughed heartily and then gave her a yellowed smile, "Why Halla! Look at yeh! Yeh clean up right well!"
Hallahiriel fumed, "Wha' are yeh doin' 'ere?"
Gweddyn gave her a squeeze and she recoiled, "Wha' pumpkin?"
She stomped her foot, "Pumpkin indeed! And don' yeh dare soil me good dress! I said wha' are yeh doin' 'ere?"
He sighed, "Well, yeh're step mother and I were worried. Yeh came up missin' and all. Then we found out tha' yeh'd gone off with two men-"
Hallahiriel looked to Boromir and Faramir and then back to her father, "O' I see. Yeh came 'ere to take them for somethin', eh? Another one of yeh're swindles? It ain't happenin' this time so yeh can just go back to that woman of yehr's. Yeh ain't getting' nothin' from them or from me."
Boromir smiled broadly, "Well put Halla! Now, Gweddyn my friend. You heard what you're daughter wishes. Do be a reasonable man and do what she wishes."
Gweddyn looked downtrodden, "Me own daughter."
Faramir stepped forward to the guard, "Please show this man out and give him what he needs for the journey back to Dol Amroth."
The guard looked pleased as he took Gweddyn by the shoulder and led him out. Hallahiriel still clenched her fists in anger as Boromir gave her an odd look, "Well?"
Hallahiriel cocked her head, "Wha'?"
Boromir said sternly, "Back to work. It's time to practice."
Hallahiriel looked dumfounded, "But-"
Faramir placed a hand on her shoulder and looked at his brother, "Come now, Boromir. Have some pity on her-"
Boromir laughed, "That is the last thing she needs, brother. What she needs is practice. Faramir, you stop that right this minute."
Faramir looked shocked, "Stop what?"
"Being nice to her. You'll become her sympathetic ear and she'll use it to turn you against me."
Hallahiriel cried, "Awww-Oooo! I'd do no such thing. I'm a good girl I am! Yeh've got no heart!"
Boromir stopped for a moment. Is that how she saw him? Heartless? He thought himself to be far from it. He shook off the thought and looked at her plainly, "Come now. We've got work to accomplish."
~~
A/N: Next up: By George I think Halla's got it! Boromir and Faramir take her to one of their father's banquets and she snares a suitor.