A/N: Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! Feel free to e-mail me
anytime! Please read, enjoy and review!
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Five: Just You Wait
Boromir journeyed to the main hall the next afternoon to prepare his father for his last minute dinner guest. As he opened the thick door, he saw his father, Denethor, the Steward of Gondor speaking to Lady Brumwen and her son, who had already arrived. When Denethor caught sight of his eldest son, a smile washed upon his face, "Boromir? Whatever are you doing here?"
Boromir embraced his father warmly; "I have come to tell you of more company."
He lead his father away from the other dinner guests and whispered, "Faramir and I are conducting an experiment, and we need you're help."
Denethor's brow wrinkled, "Faramir? He's coming? What a disagreeable surprise. He promised never to come to such meetings."
Boromir frowned a bit, "He is a good man, Father. He doesn't cause trouble."
Denethor shook his head and waved his hand, "Nevermind, boy. Lady Brumwen has a lovely young daughter at home, Therassa, I believe. She is close to your age and I think that it would suit you well to meet her. It's time to discuss the future of our house."
Boromir's eyes bulged a bit, "Father, I have as much use for a screech owl as do I for a wife. I have no plans to marry-especially not that horrid woman's daughter."
Denethor sighed, "Son, it troubles me so that you have not found a maid--"
Boromir huffed, "About our experiment. Faramir is bringing down another guest. She is a young lady from Dol Amroth."
Denethor grinned and patted his son's shoulder, "Ah, from whence your mother came. She must be lovely then. My Boromir having a love affair! When shall we announce the betrothal? What is her name, this creature that will bring our house an heir?"
Boromir waved the questions away and laughed fully, "Father, you are getting ahead of yourself. It is not a love affair, for pity's sake. She is nothing but a barmaid. However, she has been transformed from a mere guttersnipe. We are trying to pass her off as a lady, she will attend a ball at the end of five months and we thought we should, er, test her out."
"One of her sort? A brassy barfly-here?"
"No worries father, she has strict instruction on what to speak about. She is to remain on the subject of the guests health and the weather."
Denethor relented and nodded, "Very well, then. Come, let me introduce you to our guests."
Lady Brumwen was short and toadlike, her grey hair wrapped into a severe bun. She wore an extravagant gown, heavily beaded and covered in embroidery. She patted Boromir's face and grinned, "Ah, such a handsome man. A perfect match for my young Therassa. You really must meet her, Lord Boromir."
Boromir grimaced, "I fear that my time is needed elsewhere at the moment, Lady Brumwen."
Her son, Owynvan, was younger than Faramir-twenty-three at the most. He stood proud before Boromir, though he stood smaller and stature. His hair was a dark brown and his features finely chiseled.
"It is good to meet you, Lord Boromir. Rarely is such the chance given because of your travels."
Boromir wished to sneer at the boy, but could not find the energy to do it. He still craved sleep after the deprivation he experienced for a month. Boromir nodded and grumbled, "Indeed."
Suddenly, the hall door opened and in walked Faramir with Hallahiriel on his arm. Boromir looked awestruck and studied the girl closely. Corerith had indeed worked magic, for Hallahiriel was stunning. She wore a deep blue gown, the color of twilight, fitted to the waist. A cream colored sash was slung low about her hips and offset the tiny white flowers that Corerith weaved into her coppery hair. The top was tied back from her face, but the rest tumbled down her back in burnished auburn waves. Her skin glowed with such radiance, that it was as if they had all been embraced by a sunbeam.
Hallahiriel smiled brightly at Boromir as she neared close to him. Faramir came to a halt infront of his brother, father, and the guests. Faramir nodded at his brother knowingly, seeing the look on Boromir's face. Boromir took Hallahiriel by the hand and kissed it gently, "Lady Hallahiriel."
She fought the urge to blush and trilled eloquently, "Lord Boromir."
Boromir offered her his arm and she took it happily. Boromir presented her to his father and to the other guests, "Father, Lady Brumwen, Owynvan; this is Lady Hallahiriel from Dol Amroth. She is a guest here in our city."
Denethor appraised the look of the girl and gave a small smile, "It is very good to meet you my dear girl."
Hallahiriel gave a small curtsy, "And you, My Lord. It is kind of you to let me come."
Boromir smiled as Hallahiriel's speech never faltered. He caught sight of Lady Brumwen, who looked on disapprovingly. The older woman grimaced and then sighed, "Pray tell, Lady Hallahiriel what calls you to Minas Tirith?"
Hallahiriel looked worriedly at Boromir; she did not know how to answer. She cleared her throat and responded, "I am here on personal business, my lady."
Lady Brumwen looked quite unsatisfied with her answer, feeling quite sure that this girl is the reason that Lord Boromir would not consent to meet her daughter. Therassa (in her opinion) was quite superior to Hallahiriel in every way.
Lady Brumwen opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by her overzealous son, Owynvan.
"Mother, don't interrogate the girl, she is but a guest."
Owynvan took Hallahiriel's free hand and kissed it flirtatiously. Hallahiriel tried not to lash out at him for being saucy, but she controlled her feelings and emitted only a mild blush across her cheeks. Owynvan smiled warmly, "Lady Hallahiriel, it is an honor to meet you. Might I inquire how long you will be in the city?"
Hallahiriel nodded, "For quite awhile."
She clutched on to Boromir, not wanting to let the young man any closer. Boromir suppressed a laugh as he watched Owynvan struggle for Hallahiriel's attention. As they made their way to the dinner hall, Hallahiriel remained on Boromir's arm with Owynvan nattering on beside her. Hallahiriel spoke little but gave polite nods to him, really hoping that he would just disappear.
As they sat at the table, Hallahiriel gave Faramir pleading glances to sit on her other side, so that Owynvan would not. Faramir, reading her body language perfectly, swooped in before Owynvan could touch the chair. For certain, he did not wish to sit next to Lady Brumwen and have her try to pass of her daughter on him. As Faramir flanked Hallahiriel with Boromir, Owynvan looked a bit disappointed and sat on the other side with his mother.
Unfortunately, for Hallahiriel, Owynvan stared a hole through her from across the table. She ignored him as the others carried on polite, yet civil conversation. She listened to Boromir curiously, she was beginning to think that he did not care to converse with anyone unless they were his father, his brother, or Corerith.
He had been quite pleasant to her recently-
But that was only because she had improved. He was one step closer to winning the wager.
As they ate their meal, Hallahiriel lost herself in her thoughts-until a questioning voice grabbed for her attention.
"Lady Hallahiriel, might I inquire of your family in Dol Amroth?"
Hallahiriel looked from Faramir to Boromir to find some clue as to what she might say. Boromir shrugged and Faramir waved her on. Hallahiriel's gaze fell back on Owynvan and she swallowed roughly, "Well, there is really not much to tell."
Owynvan remained persistent for every morsel of information, "What of your father and mother?"
She looked frightened, but decided that it would be no good to lie. She, after all, was a very good girl.
"My father is a saucy drunkard who would rather see me slinging beer in a grimy tavern in Dol Amroth, than here in Minas Tirith."
An awkward silence stole the breath from the table. Everyone just stopped. Hallahiriel felt Boromir slouch slightly and groan. Lady Brumwen looked shocked, but intrigued at the light at the end of the tunnel for her precious Therassa, "Slinging beer? Surely you are joking, Lady Hallahiriel. What does your mother think of this?"
"The woman my father calls my stepmother is nothing of the sort. She's mean-spirited and horrible. He's never married her properly, the ass."
Lady Brumwen drew a sharp breath in shock at the girl's language. Lord Denethor nearly choked on his bread and Boromir slapped him on the back and grumbled under his breath about "the blasted girl." Faramir stifled a chuckle while Owynvan laughed boisterously and out loud.
Brumwen looked appalled at her son; "There is nothing funny about this Owynvan."
Faramir ushered Hallahiriel from her seat and nodded to Boromir and the guests, "It's getting late. I fear that Halla and I have much to attend to."
Faramir gave a little bow and pulled Hallahiriel from the dining hall. As he led her to her quarters, Hallahiriel began to cry, "Oh Faramir, I am sorry. I just thought it would be awful to lie. However, everything just got away from me."
Faramir smiled and patted her hand, "You supplied me with a good laugh, lady. I am your ally, but I fear that Boromir will be quite cross."
Hallahiriel's stomach turned and she whimpered as Faramir opened the door. ~~
An hour later, Boromir came huffing through the door to find his brother reading by the fire. Faramir looked up from his book idly, "Whatever is wrong, brother?"
Boromir's handsome face twisted slightly, "I had to negotiate with father if he was to allow Halla to stay."
Faramir closed his book, "And what are the terms?"
"I have to call on that horrid Therassa."
Hallahiriel poked her head from behind the wall and stepped out slowly too meet the two men. Boromir eyed her angrily; she wore her nightgown and a deep amber colored robe. He could see that she had been crying and now she hung her head in such shame that her bottom lip quivered.
Faramir rose and stood beside Hallahiriel; "All and all I think it went well. Halla did not falter with her speech. Not once."
Hallahiriel looked shocked at Faramir's defense and Boromir nodded. He laughed heartily, "Indeed! She spoke beautifully! Exquisitely! Even the horrible filth that came from her mouth was presented as a love poem!"
Hallahiriel gaped at Boromir, trying to decipher his true feelings. Boromir came close to her and touched a strand of hair, "Look at her Faramir! When she came through those doors, I thought it was an elf-maid I saw and not the lowly barn rat we discovered in Dol Amroth. Hallahiriel was captivating! She spoke beautifully, walked beautifully, and ate beautifully! It did go well, you know. She had us all fooled until she poisoned us with poor taste and subject matter in wonderfully proper speech! Yet, there is still one fooled. That inane Owynvan wishes to court our barmaid."
Faramir looked surprised, "How did this happen?"
"The silly boy came up and asked me. It seems that he was quite taken with her."
Faramir laughed, "And what did you tell him?"
"No. Halla has enough problems without the likes of him. She needs to concentrate on her lessons. She's almost there, Faramir. She needs some smoothing around the edges. That's all. Despite the fiasco this afternoon, she has come leaps and bounds."
Hallahiriel looked up at Boromir calmly, "Why did you tell him no?"
Boromir sighed, "Because Halla, there is much to do and very little time in which to do it."
"He wants to call on me, Boromir. Not you."
Boromir sighed very thickly, "Let us remember, Halla, that I have to call on Owynvan's frightful sister tomorrow because of you. Keep it up and I will have to marry her."
Hallahiriel called to him as he walked away, "But Boromir-"
Her turned slightly and smiled, "Trust me, Halla, I'd much rather spend tomorrow with you yelling at me all afternoon."
~~
A/N: Next up: Halla sees Owynvan, Boromir calls on Therassa, Brumwen does detective work and Faramir does damage control!
Please Read and Review!
*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before "Fellowship". Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter Five: Just You Wait
Boromir journeyed to the main hall the next afternoon to prepare his father for his last minute dinner guest. As he opened the thick door, he saw his father, Denethor, the Steward of Gondor speaking to Lady Brumwen and her son, who had already arrived. When Denethor caught sight of his eldest son, a smile washed upon his face, "Boromir? Whatever are you doing here?"
Boromir embraced his father warmly; "I have come to tell you of more company."
He lead his father away from the other dinner guests and whispered, "Faramir and I are conducting an experiment, and we need you're help."
Denethor's brow wrinkled, "Faramir? He's coming? What a disagreeable surprise. He promised never to come to such meetings."
Boromir frowned a bit, "He is a good man, Father. He doesn't cause trouble."
Denethor shook his head and waved his hand, "Nevermind, boy. Lady Brumwen has a lovely young daughter at home, Therassa, I believe. She is close to your age and I think that it would suit you well to meet her. It's time to discuss the future of our house."
Boromir's eyes bulged a bit, "Father, I have as much use for a screech owl as do I for a wife. I have no plans to marry-especially not that horrid woman's daughter."
Denethor sighed, "Son, it troubles me so that you have not found a maid--"
Boromir huffed, "About our experiment. Faramir is bringing down another guest. She is a young lady from Dol Amroth."
Denethor grinned and patted his son's shoulder, "Ah, from whence your mother came. She must be lovely then. My Boromir having a love affair! When shall we announce the betrothal? What is her name, this creature that will bring our house an heir?"
Boromir waved the questions away and laughed fully, "Father, you are getting ahead of yourself. It is not a love affair, for pity's sake. She is nothing but a barmaid. However, she has been transformed from a mere guttersnipe. We are trying to pass her off as a lady, she will attend a ball at the end of five months and we thought we should, er, test her out."
"One of her sort? A brassy barfly-here?"
"No worries father, she has strict instruction on what to speak about. She is to remain on the subject of the guests health and the weather."
Denethor relented and nodded, "Very well, then. Come, let me introduce you to our guests."
Lady Brumwen was short and toadlike, her grey hair wrapped into a severe bun. She wore an extravagant gown, heavily beaded and covered in embroidery. She patted Boromir's face and grinned, "Ah, such a handsome man. A perfect match for my young Therassa. You really must meet her, Lord Boromir."
Boromir grimaced, "I fear that my time is needed elsewhere at the moment, Lady Brumwen."
Her son, Owynvan, was younger than Faramir-twenty-three at the most. He stood proud before Boromir, though he stood smaller and stature. His hair was a dark brown and his features finely chiseled.
"It is good to meet you, Lord Boromir. Rarely is such the chance given because of your travels."
Boromir wished to sneer at the boy, but could not find the energy to do it. He still craved sleep after the deprivation he experienced for a month. Boromir nodded and grumbled, "Indeed."
Suddenly, the hall door opened and in walked Faramir with Hallahiriel on his arm. Boromir looked awestruck and studied the girl closely. Corerith had indeed worked magic, for Hallahiriel was stunning. She wore a deep blue gown, the color of twilight, fitted to the waist. A cream colored sash was slung low about her hips and offset the tiny white flowers that Corerith weaved into her coppery hair. The top was tied back from her face, but the rest tumbled down her back in burnished auburn waves. Her skin glowed with such radiance, that it was as if they had all been embraced by a sunbeam.
Hallahiriel smiled brightly at Boromir as she neared close to him. Faramir came to a halt infront of his brother, father, and the guests. Faramir nodded at his brother knowingly, seeing the look on Boromir's face. Boromir took Hallahiriel by the hand and kissed it gently, "Lady Hallahiriel."
She fought the urge to blush and trilled eloquently, "Lord Boromir."
Boromir offered her his arm and she took it happily. Boromir presented her to his father and to the other guests, "Father, Lady Brumwen, Owynvan; this is Lady Hallahiriel from Dol Amroth. She is a guest here in our city."
Denethor appraised the look of the girl and gave a small smile, "It is very good to meet you my dear girl."
Hallahiriel gave a small curtsy, "And you, My Lord. It is kind of you to let me come."
Boromir smiled as Hallahiriel's speech never faltered. He caught sight of Lady Brumwen, who looked on disapprovingly. The older woman grimaced and then sighed, "Pray tell, Lady Hallahiriel what calls you to Minas Tirith?"
Hallahiriel looked worriedly at Boromir; she did not know how to answer. She cleared her throat and responded, "I am here on personal business, my lady."
Lady Brumwen looked quite unsatisfied with her answer, feeling quite sure that this girl is the reason that Lord Boromir would not consent to meet her daughter. Therassa (in her opinion) was quite superior to Hallahiriel in every way.
Lady Brumwen opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by her overzealous son, Owynvan.
"Mother, don't interrogate the girl, she is but a guest."
Owynvan took Hallahiriel's free hand and kissed it flirtatiously. Hallahiriel tried not to lash out at him for being saucy, but she controlled her feelings and emitted only a mild blush across her cheeks. Owynvan smiled warmly, "Lady Hallahiriel, it is an honor to meet you. Might I inquire how long you will be in the city?"
Hallahiriel nodded, "For quite awhile."
She clutched on to Boromir, not wanting to let the young man any closer. Boromir suppressed a laugh as he watched Owynvan struggle for Hallahiriel's attention. As they made their way to the dinner hall, Hallahiriel remained on Boromir's arm with Owynvan nattering on beside her. Hallahiriel spoke little but gave polite nods to him, really hoping that he would just disappear.
As they sat at the table, Hallahiriel gave Faramir pleading glances to sit on her other side, so that Owynvan would not. Faramir, reading her body language perfectly, swooped in before Owynvan could touch the chair. For certain, he did not wish to sit next to Lady Brumwen and have her try to pass of her daughter on him. As Faramir flanked Hallahiriel with Boromir, Owynvan looked a bit disappointed and sat on the other side with his mother.
Unfortunately, for Hallahiriel, Owynvan stared a hole through her from across the table. She ignored him as the others carried on polite, yet civil conversation. She listened to Boromir curiously, she was beginning to think that he did not care to converse with anyone unless they were his father, his brother, or Corerith.
He had been quite pleasant to her recently-
But that was only because she had improved. He was one step closer to winning the wager.
As they ate their meal, Hallahiriel lost herself in her thoughts-until a questioning voice grabbed for her attention.
"Lady Hallahiriel, might I inquire of your family in Dol Amroth?"
Hallahiriel looked from Faramir to Boromir to find some clue as to what she might say. Boromir shrugged and Faramir waved her on. Hallahiriel's gaze fell back on Owynvan and she swallowed roughly, "Well, there is really not much to tell."
Owynvan remained persistent for every morsel of information, "What of your father and mother?"
She looked frightened, but decided that it would be no good to lie. She, after all, was a very good girl.
"My father is a saucy drunkard who would rather see me slinging beer in a grimy tavern in Dol Amroth, than here in Minas Tirith."
An awkward silence stole the breath from the table. Everyone just stopped. Hallahiriel felt Boromir slouch slightly and groan. Lady Brumwen looked shocked, but intrigued at the light at the end of the tunnel for her precious Therassa, "Slinging beer? Surely you are joking, Lady Hallahiriel. What does your mother think of this?"
"The woman my father calls my stepmother is nothing of the sort. She's mean-spirited and horrible. He's never married her properly, the ass."
Lady Brumwen drew a sharp breath in shock at the girl's language. Lord Denethor nearly choked on his bread and Boromir slapped him on the back and grumbled under his breath about "the blasted girl." Faramir stifled a chuckle while Owynvan laughed boisterously and out loud.
Brumwen looked appalled at her son; "There is nothing funny about this Owynvan."
Faramir ushered Hallahiriel from her seat and nodded to Boromir and the guests, "It's getting late. I fear that Halla and I have much to attend to."
Faramir gave a little bow and pulled Hallahiriel from the dining hall. As he led her to her quarters, Hallahiriel began to cry, "Oh Faramir, I am sorry. I just thought it would be awful to lie. However, everything just got away from me."
Faramir smiled and patted her hand, "You supplied me with a good laugh, lady. I am your ally, but I fear that Boromir will be quite cross."
Hallahiriel's stomach turned and she whimpered as Faramir opened the door. ~~
An hour later, Boromir came huffing through the door to find his brother reading by the fire. Faramir looked up from his book idly, "Whatever is wrong, brother?"
Boromir's handsome face twisted slightly, "I had to negotiate with father if he was to allow Halla to stay."
Faramir closed his book, "And what are the terms?"
"I have to call on that horrid Therassa."
Hallahiriel poked her head from behind the wall and stepped out slowly too meet the two men. Boromir eyed her angrily; she wore her nightgown and a deep amber colored robe. He could see that she had been crying and now she hung her head in such shame that her bottom lip quivered.
Faramir rose and stood beside Hallahiriel; "All and all I think it went well. Halla did not falter with her speech. Not once."
Hallahiriel looked shocked at Faramir's defense and Boromir nodded. He laughed heartily, "Indeed! She spoke beautifully! Exquisitely! Even the horrible filth that came from her mouth was presented as a love poem!"
Hallahiriel gaped at Boromir, trying to decipher his true feelings. Boromir came close to her and touched a strand of hair, "Look at her Faramir! When she came through those doors, I thought it was an elf-maid I saw and not the lowly barn rat we discovered in Dol Amroth. Hallahiriel was captivating! She spoke beautifully, walked beautifully, and ate beautifully! It did go well, you know. She had us all fooled until she poisoned us with poor taste and subject matter in wonderfully proper speech! Yet, there is still one fooled. That inane Owynvan wishes to court our barmaid."
Faramir looked surprised, "How did this happen?"
"The silly boy came up and asked me. It seems that he was quite taken with her."
Faramir laughed, "And what did you tell him?"
"No. Halla has enough problems without the likes of him. She needs to concentrate on her lessons. She's almost there, Faramir. She needs some smoothing around the edges. That's all. Despite the fiasco this afternoon, she has come leaps and bounds."
Hallahiriel looked up at Boromir calmly, "Why did you tell him no?"
Boromir sighed, "Because Halla, there is much to do and very little time in which to do it."
"He wants to call on me, Boromir. Not you."
Boromir sighed very thickly, "Let us remember, Halla, that I have to call on Owynvan's frightful sister tomorrow because of you. Keep it up and I will have to marry her."
Hallahiriel called to him as he walked away, "But Boromir-"
Her turned slightly and smiled, "Trust me, Halla, I'd much rather spend tomorrow with you yelling at me all afternoon."
~~
A/N: Next up: Halla sees Owynvan, Boromir calls on Therassa, Brumwen does detective work and Faramir does damage control!
Please Read and Review!