The Devil and Jimmy Neutron
by Gary D. Snyder
Part 11:
Well before 8:00 PM Jimmy and Cindy were in the lab, setting it up with tables and chairs to make an impromptu courtroom. After that they spent the remaining time going over possible strategies for breaking the contract.
"First," Jimmy said, "we should make sure that Lou held up his end of the bargain. Did he fulfill all his obligations of the contract?"
Cindy thought about this. "Well, yes."
"Are you sure?"
"You flunked the test and I got a perfect score."
"But," said Jimmy, "are you sure he was responsible for that?"
Cindy considered that point. "No, I can't be sure of that. It might have been coincidence."
"That's a possible way out. Vox!" he called. "Calculate the probability of my flunking a test and Cindy getting a perfect score through random chance."
Vox's large screen displayed:
2,179,143 to 1
"Well, so much for that idea," said Jimmy. "You're sure all the terms that voided the escape clause were fulfilled?"
"Yes." Cindy sighed. "I guess there's no way out, is there?"
"Not necessarily. I've had Vox scanning the Internet for all references to breaking these kinds of contracts. Let's see what's turned up." Seating himself at the main console Jimmy pressed a button and skimmed a list of options. "It says one way is through a selfless act of redemption. Have you performed a selfless act since you made the contract?"
Cindy went through the events of the past few days. "I did try to warn you not to do this."
"Hmm. I don't think a warning is enough. But thanks for trying." Jimmy thought of something. "What did you mean when you said it was me Lou wanted?"
"Hello!" Cindy said. "Even with the size of your ego and your head you haven't caught on yet? The Yolkians, Professor Calamitous, the space bandidos – you've messed up some major evil big time. Don't you think the Lou would be anxious for some payback because of what you've done?"
"I suppose that's possible," Jimmy conceded. "Or maybe…"
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe he wants me out of the way because of something that's going to happen."
Cindy looked worried. "I never thought of that. What do you think he might be up to?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now we need to worry about this trial." He resumed studying the list. "It says another way out is to beat Lou in a fiddle contest. You wouldn't happen to know how to play the fiddle, would you?"
Cindy looked scornful. "If you mean the violin, no, I don't play the violin."
"I doubt you could have won anyway," said Lou's voice. Jimmy and Cindy turned at this in time to see Lou emerging from the shadows next to to Jimmy's reactor. "I've had a long time to practice and some very excellent instructors through the years." He folded his arms. "I have to give you credit. I figured you'd have decided that things were hopeless and not even bother to show this evening."
"Like I said," replied Jimmy through clenched teeth, "bring it on."
"Excellent. I like that kind of spirit. It's so much more fun to break. But as you say, let's begin." He clapped his hands. "Let me introduce you to the court. First, your judge, the Honorable Roy Bean known affectionately as the Hanging Judge." From the shadows a boy about Jimmy's and Cindy's age emerged, dressed in western attire and wearing a six-shooter in a holster at his hip, and took his seat at the head table.
"Now," Lou went on, "The foreman of your jury, Eddie Teach, known to one and all as Blackbeard." A second boy appeared and walked over to the first chair of the makeshift jury box.
"Wait a minute!" said Jimmy. "Are all the people in court going to be kids?"
Lou looked faintly surprised. "I thought you wanted a trial by Cindy's peers. The only way to satisfy that is for them to be the same age as her. I wouldn't want the case thrown out on a technicality." He gave them both a thin smile and went on. "But rest assured they're all mine. Eddie's contract gave him what he needed to start his career as a pirate."
"A ship and crew?" asked Cindy.
"Dramamine," answered Lou.
Teach looked sheepish. "I loved the sea, but she didn't love me," he said. Cindy rolled her eyes and Jimmy shook his head.
Lou continued to call in the jurors, announcing each as they appeared. Some Cindy and Jimmy knew by name and reputation, but others they didn't. "Al Capone, prototypical mob boss. Johnny Dillinger, long-time most-wanted gangster. Lizzie Borden of poetic fame. Johnny Hardin, good shot with a bad temper. Bennie Arnold, Revolutionary turncoat. Millie Sedgewick, innovator of the cafeteria lunch special. Billy Scott and Simone Beauregard, co-founders of the Jar Jar Binx Fan Club. Donny Fenwick, inventor of disco. Roger Finch, proponent of direct-to-video movies. And possibly the most vile of the lot, Myron Fletzger."
Cindy had to ask. "Who's Myron Fletzger?"
Jimmy apparently knew, for she could hear him gritting his teeth angrily. "He invented the pop-up ad."
Despite her dire situation Cindy couldn't stop herself from reacting to this. "That was you?!" she cried furiously. "You resource-grabbing, cookie-setting, bandwidth-hogging –"
Judge Bean hammered on the table before him with the butt of his revolver. "Order in the court!" he shouted. "Mr. Fletzgar is not the person on trial here." He gave Mryon a dirty look. "Unfortunately."
Lou took his place at the plaintiff's table. "The court of the darned stands ready."
"Of the darned?" Cindy repeated.
"They're only 11 years old," Jimmy explained. "How much trouble could they have gotten into so far?"
Judge Bean cleared his throat. "Is the plaintiff ready?"
"Ready, your honor," replied Lou.
"Is the defense ready?"
"It is, your honor," Jimmy answered.
The judge hammered his gun against the table. "Then let's get this trial on the trail."
End of Part 11.
Author's Notes:
Everyone has their own idea of who should be on a jury of the darned. Some of the names in this chapter are (or were) actual people, and the rest are fictitious although they represent people who actually or potentially created things that I find to be totally odious. Readers are free to substitute whoever they feel should actually be on a jury of this type.