Title: A Life Not Worth Living

Author: Chickiee-Dee

Rating: R for subject matter

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or its characters.

Summary: AU. I can't do it anymore, I can't live like this. Sydney is depressed. S/V. Rating for subject matter. REVAMPED.

Authors Notes: Sydney is 16. Vaughn is 21. The idea for this fic came to me when I was out walking the other day. It's a bit depressing but the main reason I wrote this was because, I know what its like to feel like you don't belong. The best thing I ever did was talk about how I felt and with help from other people I was able to move past that feeling and I'm the better for going through that experience. The main reason I wrote this was to show what could happen if people don't get the help they need. I don't condone Sydney's actions in this and I could never do that to myself, I have too much to live for. That being said, enjoy and let me know what you all think. Thanks to Caitlin (Caysha) and Brianna for reading this over for me. You guys Rock!!

A Life Not Worth Living

It hurts. It won't stop. Make it stop.

I grip my hair tightly and pull hard, shaking my head vigorously. These voices won't go away. They taunt me day and night 'Your useless Sydney Bristow, who'd want you?'.

I throw a picture of my mother across the room. It smashes against the wall and glass fragments cover the carpet. I collapse onto the floor and sit there rocking back and forth, trying to stop the voices, crying continuously. Eventually I fall asleep in that position, tears soaking my knees.

A four-year Sydney is running around the house, her mother chasing after her. Sydney is screaming at her "No mummy, I don't want it!!" she yells. She runs into a room and slams the door. After a moment Sydney opens the door and as she runs out she bangs into her mother, knocking Laura onto the hard floor. Her mother screams in pain. Sydney doesn't stop to help she keeps running, knowing that her father would have heard her mother yell as she hit the ground.

There's a flash. 

Sydney's sitting on a chair at the hospital. Jack comes out and tells Sydney that her mummy isn't having a baby anymore, that her little brother or sister went to heaven. "Good" she replies stubbornly "I wanna go home now." She folds her arms across her chest. Jack tells her that she has to wait because her mummy wants to see her. Sydney shakes her head and yells that she doesn't want to see her mummy.

There's another flash. 

Sydney is standing next to an open grave, crying into her fathers chest "I want mummy to be here, I was mean and I wanna tell her I'm sorry and I don't want her to be an angel anymore." She buries her head deeper into Jack's chest. He tries his best to comfort his daughter, to no avail.

The scene abruptly changes.

A big black figure is chasing a Sydney down the road. It yells at her telling her that she is useless and that she killed her younger sibling and that because she hated her mother, she died. It tells her that her father hates her because she is a horrible murderer. An image of her father's bloodied body appears and the voice said that her father was happy because he could be with his wife and that he was glad he didn't have to be near her anymore.

Sydney woke up in a cold sweat. She wiped her eyes trying to clear the fresh tears from them. Syd looked up at the clock that sat next to her bed. 3:32. Standing up on her shaky legs she walked to the bathroom that adjoined her bedroom. She splashed water onto her face and as she looked in the mirror, Sydney didn't see the beautiful person that she was, all she saw was the image of a murderer. Abruptly, she looked away and walked out of the room, switching off the light as she left. Sydney headed downstairs, she knew her father was away on one of his 'trips' so she went over to his liquor cabinet and took out a bottle of scotch. She did this frequently. Go downstairs in the middle of the night and take her dad's scotch, drinking til she passed out. It helped her forget the dreams. She pulled a glass from one of the cupboards and poured herself a drink. She sculled it and the liquid burnt her throat. She poured another and drank it just as fast; she made a mental note to get Vaughn to buy another bottle to replace this one. She had drunk practically the entire bottle while her father was gone. She briefly entertained the idea of calling Vaughn and inviting him over, but she remembered the time. She poured herself another drink and another and another until she had passed out on the table.

She awoke a few hours later to the blinding morning light. She blinked and looked at the empty bottle that stood before her, shaking her head as she looked over at the clock. 9:57. Shit. She was late for school. She hurriedly had a shower, revelling in the feel of the warm water washing over her body. It was a warm morning but Sydney pulled a thick jumper on over her t-shirt, to hide the cuts that covered her arms and her stomach. Running downstairs she didn't bother to get breakfast before rushing out the door and beginning the seven-block walk to school.

*****

Sydney arrived home late that afternoon. She had been kept after school for being tardy and because when she got there she reeked of liquor. When she arrived at her house a smiling Vaughn was standing outside waiting for her to return. She let him in and they dumped their stuff on the floor before attacking each other with lips and hands. They had sex right there in the lounge room and after it was over Vaughn pulled two bottles of scotch and a bottle of vodka out of his bag. She grinned at him and after dressing she grabbed one of the bottles and stuck it in her fathers liquor cupboard, grabbing two glasses before returning to the living room, where Vaughn had opened the vodka. She kissed him. "Thought you'd want a drink," he said as he poured them each a drink. "Like you wouldn't believe" she replied as she sipped the liquid. They had just finished their second drinks and Vaughn was about to pour them each another when Sydney turned his face towards her and began to kiss him, passionately. He responded and they shed their clothes and had sex again.

It was late by the time Vaughn left; they'd drunk most of the vodka and made a start on the scotch. After Vaughn had gone Sydney went upstairs and began to pick up the pieces of the shattered photo frame. As she looked at the picture of her mother the voices began in her head again 'Who'd want you?' they taunted 'Vaughn doesn't love you, its just sex. Your father doesn't love you, he wants you dead.' Sydney picked up a piece of glass and began to run it over the surface of her arms, legs and stomach. Blood spilled out of her stomach and she cried in frustration. This wasn't the first time she had cut herself. Her arms and stomach were covered in scars from where she had cut herself with the kitchen knife. She gave up after a while and put the bloodied piece of glass on her bureau and she pulled out her diary. She flipped through the pages and found a blank one. She sat down and began to write another entry. After writing for half an hour she slammed the covers shut and threw it on the ground. She climbed onto her bed and rolled over and fell into a restless sleep.

The next morning she awoke to the loud buzzing of her alarm. Sydney picked up the clock and threw it across the room. Climbing out of bed she stepped into the shower, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. The water ran over her body and she washed the dried blood from her arms, stomach and legs. Sydney stepped out from the shower and dressed quickly. Heading downstairs she put a load of washing on before fixing herself some breakfast. She was interrupted by the phone ringing. "Hello."

"Sydney, its Dad."

"Hi Dad."

"Look I was just calling to tell you that I'll be home this evening."

"Ok, I'll see you then. I have to get ready for school."

"Bye Syd." Sydney didn't answer; she just hung up and dialled Vaughn's number.

"Hello" his voice answered.

"Hey its me."

"Syd, what's up?"

"Dad's coming home today so you can't come over. Would you meet me at lunchtime?"

"Sure Syd, see you then. Bye."
"Bye." Sydney hung up the phone and she began to clean the house, washing the glasses she and Vaughn had used for their drinks and discarding the empty scotch bottle. By the time she finished cleaning it was getting late and she left for school.

Lunchtime rolled around and Sydney walked out of the school building to find Vaughn standing there, bag slung over his shoulder. Sydney practically ran over to him. She grabbed his hand and led him behind the bike sheds. She tore into his flesh and he responded to her advances. They had sex and after it was all over they hastily redressed and Vaughn pulled a water bottle out of his bag. "For you" he said handing it to her. She looked at him funny. "Water?" she questioned. He shook his head and she unscrewed the lid, taking a swig. "Vodka?" He nodded. She took another sip and kissed him "Thanks." She tried to give it back but he refused to take it. He kissed her again before they reappeared from behind the sheds. Vaughn walked off towards his car and Sydney went back towards the school, sipping her drink as she went. She didn't make it very far before a teacher stopped her. The teacher pulled Sydney aside and looked her over before grabbing the bottle from her hands. He unscrewed the lid and sniffed its contents. He grabbed Sydney by the arm and dragged her to principal's office. Principal Davids wasn't happy. He suspended her for two weeks and he called her father as well. After calling Jack they looked at Sydney, who had forgotten to put her jumper back on after meeting Vaughn, and saw the collection of scars up her arms and the fresh cuts, she'd done last night. She turned away from them and tried to cover her arms, exposing her stomach as she did so. Her principal gasped, the cuts on her stomach were deeper than those that covered her arms and her latest cut looked as though it was about to bleed again. Sydney got up and ran from the room, taking her vodka as she did so. She kept running without bothering to stop until she'd made it home.

She ran through the door and up to her room. Tears were streaming down her face. She threw herself onto her bed. Moments later she got up and went downstairs. She picked up the phone and called Vaughn. Ten minutes later he was at the door. She answered it and pulled him inside. She began to take his clothes off, needing validation that she was worth something, and he responded. After they slept together she grabbed the scotch from her fathers liquor cabinet and they began to drink it. They were lying naked on the couch together drinking the scotch when her father came through the door. He was shocked to find his only daughter naked with a man, sculling scotch. Jack totally lost it and began to yell at them. Sydney pressed her body closer to Vaughn's and they hid their naked forms behind a large cushion. She remained unaffected by her father's yelling and continued to drink the scotch, as though she was trying to drown out his yelling. Jack left the room for a moment to allow them time to dress. They did so quickly and when they walked out to the kitchen Jack was standing there with a stern look on his face. Sydney stood there holding the bottle, still sipping at the liquid. Vaughn wrapped his arms around her tiny body. Jack was disgusted with his daughter and made a move to take the scotch from her hands. She pulled it away from him and handed it to Vaughn. He took it from her and took a swig. Jack was about to punch him. Vaughn stepped back and pulled Sydney with him. Jack stepped away from them and looked his daughter over; he could clearly see the cuts that covered her arms and some of the cuts that covered her stomach. Jack softly told Vaughn that he wanted to speak with his daughter alone. Before leaving he looked into Sydney's eyes, they told him that she didn't want him to leave but he figured that Jack wasn't a man to be messed with. As he was leaving Sydney pulled him into a passionate kiss. Jack stood there watching as Sydney stuck her tongue in Vaughn's mouth and he responded by sticking his tongue in her mouth. She began to lean in closer to him and guided Vaughn's arms under her shirt. Her hands began to wander over his body and after a few minutes they broke apart. Jack looked like he was about to beat the living crap out of Vaughn, so he promptly headed for the door, handing Sydney the scotch bottle as he left.

After Vaughn had gone Jack exploded again and began to yell at her again. "What the hell do you think your doing, drinking in school, cutting yourself, having sex? That guy is like six years older than you, its illegal."

"He makes me feel like I'm worth something. I don't care if its illegal, I'm not gonna stop sleeping with him and you can't make me" she yelled back "I'll fuck him if I want to, I'll drink if I want to, you can't stop me." She turned and ran upstairs, slamming the door as she entered her room. Jack decided not to chase after her, that was until he realised that she had taken the scotch and a bottle of whisky with her. He ran up the stairs and barged into her room and found her sculling the whisky like it was water. It was then that he noticed the empty scotch and vodka bottles on her floor, the knife with dried blood on the blade and the broken glass stained with blood. After Jack barged in Sydney got up and ran out of the room taking her whisky with her. Jack climbed in his car and followed her up the road. She was swigging from the bottle the whole time. She went to Vaughns flat. He answered the door and pulled a sobbing Sydney inside. She began to kiss him, they had begun to shed their clothes and he was about to enter her when Jack barged in. He pulled Vaughn off her and threw him to the ground. Sydney grabbed her clothes and quickly threw them on before running out the door again.

Jack left Vaughn on the floor and chased after his daughter. After a couple of blocks he'd lost track of her so he went back to Vaughn's, figuring that the arsehole who was screwing his daughter would know where she had gone. By the time he arrived back at Vaughn's flat, he had gone. Having reached the end of his tether Jack went back to their house. Meanwhile Sydney had met up with Vaughn. He'd found her walking the streets and picked her up. They stopped at a bottle shop and Vaughn came out carrying four bottles, one vodka, one scotch, one whisky and one rum. He drove them to the beach while Sydney drank rum the whole way. He pulled into the parking lot and took her out onto the sand where they finished what they were doing before Jack had interrupted. They spent the whole night drinking and they passed out in each other's arms.

Sydney stayed at Vaughns for a few days and they spent their days drinking and having sex. For Vaughn their relationship meant something, he loved her and he wanted to look after her, protect her from harm, truthfully whenever he saw her she took his breath away. Deep down it meant something to Sydney as well although to her, it was mostly validation. Sydney trying to show the voices in her head that she was worth something to someone. The voices didn't stop though, they were constantly taunting her, telling her that she wasn't worth anything and that no one wanted her.

When she returned home Jack was at work. The voices in her head had completely taken over, they seemed to be controlling her and she had begun to believe what they were saying. Before she left Vaughn's she had sex with him one last time, though he didn't know that they would never have the chance to have sex again. She went up to her room, a vodka bottle held tightly in her left hand and she periodically drank a mouthful. Once in her room she sat on her bed and buried her head in her hands. Pulling a piece of paper from her diary she began to write and after finishing her writing, she picked up a fragment of broken glass.

Jack found her that evening; lying on the floor in her room, blood still oozing from her wounds. Her eyes frozen open in fear. Several cuts lined her arms, legs, face, chest and stomach. Blood covered her body and had begun to seep into the carpet. The empty vodka bottle lay on her left side, near her diary. The glass fragment still in her hand. Jack knelt down by his daughter hopelessly searching for a pulse. Tears began falling from his eyes as he called an ambulance, even though she was clearly dead. He sat by her side, crying until the ambulance arrived. The paramedics were shocked by her appearance. Vaughn, who had come to see how Sydney was, came in moments after the paramedics. The sight of Sydney took his breath away, the women he loved, was lying there covered in blood, cuts all over her body, he fell to the floor and began to cry uncontrollably. One of the paramedics picked up Sydney's diary and handed it to Jack. He took it carefully and opened it to the last entry,

I can't do it anymore, I can't live like this. Knowing that I killed my younger sibling, knowing that my mother died thinking I hated her, knowing that my father doesn't want me, knowing that I'm worth nothing. It's unbearable. I want out. I'm a failure, the voices, they tell me so. They tell me I'm a murderer and that no one will ever love me. I can't do it, I can't take it. This is the only way. I've tried my whole life to make up for killing my sibling, I can't, anything I do won't be enough, I don't want to be here. I don't deserve to be here, I deserve to be in hell, where I can rot forever and ever and ever. I'm a plague on humanity; I'm the lowest of all life forms. I mean nothing to anyone. I don't deserve to live so I'm going to take my life in the most painful way I can imagine.

More tears began to fall as Jack finished reading that. He quickly left the room and went downstairs, pulling out a bottle of vodka from his cabinet. He was overcome with emotion as he poured glass after glass after glass. He read Sydney's diary from start to finish and he cursed himself, for not noticing sooner that his daughter needed him. He shook his head at how much she hated herself, and how she thought she was worthless. The entry that intrigued him the most was a recent one that expressed her suspicions that she maybe pregnant. Jack threw the book across the room; he didn't want to know anymore. Tears rolled freely down his cheeks 'Why?' he thought 'Why did this have to happen to her?' he poured another drink. He couldn't remember the last time he had had this much to drink.

The paramedics had left long ago with her body. They were taking her to the morgue, where she would stay until the funeral. Vaughn was still upstairs crying uncontrollably. After a long while he came downstairs, intending to go home and drink away his pain. As he reached the bottom of the stairs Jack called him over. He obliged, thinking he owed the man that much at least. Jack showed him her last diary entry and Vaughn's tears once again surfaced. The two men sat there that night, drinking, sharing stories about Sydney, both putting aside their mutual hatred even if it was only momentary.

Sydney was buried next to her mother a week later. Doctors preformed an autopsy and told Jack that she was pregnant when she died. Jack had also asked if his only child suffered as she died. They returned with grim news, telling him that she killed herself slowly but with the amount of alcohol she had in her system she can't have felt much pain. Jack laid the blame for her untimely death upon himself while staff at her school were also blamed for not noticing her depression sooner. Sydney's death devastated everyone at her school. Although as she kept to herself and rarely spoke with other people, they were all completely shocked. They held a memorial service for her at school and planted a tree in her honour. Vaughn was deeply affected by her suicide. He visited her grave daily, taking fresh flowers and he spent hours sitting there talking to her. Sydney's death affected a lot of people, in her mind she thought that no one cared for her, that no one loved her and that she had nothing to live for. That's not true, people cared about her, she just didn't see it and she killed herself before she realised.

THE END

A/N: What did you all think??? Was it good or bad??? Review and let me know. Yeah I know it was depressing but like I said, I've kinda been there and the best thing I did was get help. I don't condone any of the self-mutilating behaviour that Syd did and I'd never go as far to injure or kill myself, I have too much to live for. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK, I'D APPRECIATE IT.

LOL Alyce.

P.S A not so simple life and three little words will be updated soon. I started the second chapter of three little words and I'll get it posted ASAP. J